Using the oldest as free babysitting

Linnis

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A friend of mine has 4 kids, the oldest is 14. Beginning at 12, her oldest who was in grade 6, had to mind a 8, 6 & 4 year old everyday after school from 3:30 until 6:30 when mum got home. Single mother I can understand the need etc Now that she's 14 and the other kids are 10, 8 and 6, she's with them more than my friend, their mother. She doesn't see anything wrong with going out 2-3 nights from work, until after 10pm. She expects her 9th grader to make sure the house is clean, dinner is cooked, kids do their homework, have a bath and in bed. If the younger kids choose not to listen to their big sister my friend lays into her daughter.

Now at this I got mad. She's 14 & she's taken on the role of mother so that her own mother can go out and have fun. I told her it shouldn't be the expected plight of the oldest child to have to care for her mother's younger children. I can so see that girl who's very smart for 14, running off with the first boy she meets and having sex too young just to get away from her homelife. Low and behold, now she's 16, moved out, dropped out and living with her boyfriend, using her 9th grade education to work at Zellers.

How much "babysitting" should be expected out of the oldest child? What would you consider too much? When does it become that the parent is expecting too much and depending too much on their oldest child?



 

Leanna

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Yes that is very wrong. Often children who go through this grow up bitter. I have met people who were oldest in a big family that had to do all the work for mom and they never want to have any children. My stepmom was the second oldest of 6 children (and the oldest was stubborn) so my stepmom did tons of dishes every day and played mother a lot. She is still hurt from this and says this is the reason she never makes Christine (my half sister) do any chores. She wants to preserve her childhood.
 
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homeschooling_Momma

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I know how you feel about seeing your friend do this with their children.

I get so frustrated and its even to the point that Ive stopped the friendship because of it. I simply cant stand to see them use their child like that...so many nights a week....

I wish that parents wouldnt do this, but we cant be their boss......but I do think that when these children are grown they will be more bitter than the child that didnt get treated this way....

I feel sorry for little ones that are forced to be grown long before their time.......

will be praying for your friend.
 
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GolfingMom

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My older sister started watching us when my mom had to go to work. My dad was working 2 full time jobs and my mom also needed to begin working. She started working when I was 8 and my older sister was 10 and my younger sister was 6. She was in charge of making us breakfast and getting us off to school...my mom was home by the time school was out...During the summer break she was in charge of us all day until my mom got home. We each had our chores to do EVERYDAY and well...we all turned out ok. That's b/c my mom didn't abuse the "system" of having my older sister watch us.
 
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Robinsegg

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I'm the oldest in my family (sister's 5.5 years younger, brother's 12 years younder), and I babysat for my parents quite a bit, mostly after entering high school. However, I did it as a service, willingly, because they needed to see my grandfathers (both of them) in the hospital.

I agree. It's okay on an irregular basis for a number of hours, but not all night. Older sib shouldn't be expected to be the parent and get everything done just like the parent would.

Rachel
 
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This friend of your expected way too much!

My sil had her oldest watch his younger brothers between the time they got home from school and when she got home from work. They were 12, 9 and6. I think it was about 2 hours. I didn't like the idea but she wouldn't take me up on my offer to go sit with them till she got home. Whatever.

When you're asking your child to give up being a child so you can that is too much. I would say for a night out every other week would be ok, and I can understand the afterschool thing but don't like it.
 
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Linnis

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Sure, after school is 3 hours, I understand that. Or needing to go out once in a while for 4-5 hours *but* a 12 year old in charge for more than 8 hours, most of them after dark?

Sure kids have to help out, pull their weight as they get older etc but should they become second parents to thier younger siblings?
 
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Chrystal-J

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I feel that is wrong. I was the youngest of 5 and I don't feel that there is any amount of time that's Ok to leave a 12 or 13 year old in charge of younger children. (Other than the occasional run to the store.) When I was growing up, my parents both worked. We were left alone for about 45 minutes until my mom got home. And even in that short amount of time there were so many problems. Our house almost burned down twice (with no adult to make sure we all got out). No-one was hurt (by the grace of God) but I thought it was foolish to leave 5 children home alone. And that was only for 45 minutes! I would never leave any child home alone for hours. Plus, it's wrong to turn the oldest child into the mother. She didn't chose to have these children, her mother did and her mother should be the one to make the needed sacrifices.
 
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wanderingone

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I believe if financial need and family situation requires it then all family members need to contribute to whatever it takes to keep the family going. I don't think children should have to watch their siblings and/or care for the home so mom and dad can socialize several times a week.
 
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sunshiinedays

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My sister (8 years older than me) took care of me a lot when I was young due to my mother being "sick". The sickness was usually an excuse for not wanting to parent. My poor sister had to bring me everywhere... I even went on her first date :( She really resents missing out on a lot of her own childhood/teen years because she was forced to take care of me. Forthermore, sh once confided in me that it made her question whether or not to have children of her own someday.

I think that in the example Linnis provided, that is too much. I don't see anything wrong with an older child watching the younger ones when the parents run to the store for something, or for the occassional night out. I could even understand if the family was poor and using their own children to babysit was their only option... but not just so the parent(s) can go out and have fun all the time. If your own pleasure comes at your child's expense, that's wrong.
 
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jgonz

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I believe if financial need and family situation requires it then all family members need to contribute to whatever it takes to keep the family going. I don't think children should have to watch their siblings and/or care for the home so mom and dad can socialize several times a week.

I agree completely.
 
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RedTulipMom

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WOW! i could see her having the daughter babysit after school till she gets home from work if she is a single mom and cant afford a babysitter. But having her watch them till 10 at night so she can go out a couple nights a week..thats just WRONG! Doesnt she have a mother or sister or friend who would watch those kids atleast part of the time??
 
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