Do People Treat You Differently?

ShetlandRose · Apr 3, 2004

I'm curious. Do you ever feel that people treat you differently because you have physical challenges? If yes, how?

I was a daily assistant for a quadriplegic for some years. He is a wonderful, highly intelligent guy--a good person and with courage that I admire, plus he is quite handsome. When I would assist him as we went to public places, it was amazing to me how people would react to him. I know they felt uncomfortable, but they would either ignore him as if he wasn't there by averting their eyes or talk to him loudly as if he were deaf or in a simple manner as if he were stupid. It was irritating to both of us. In addition, I used to receive obvious sympathetic looks. They figured I was his wife and wasn't it a shame....

When I tore the ligaments and tendons in one knee and was immobile, then on crutches, and then used a cane, I just knew what would be coming. If I went to a store, people looked away. If I asked a question, they would answer in a manner that told me they thought my disability made me dumb. Even some friends (and I use that word loosely) pretty much dropped me until I could walk better.

Now, to be generous, I know that people are people, not perfect, and don't understand everything ...but... Sheesh! Have you had similar experiences? Do you wish an opportunity to vent?

Cranberry · Apr 3, 2004

There's the "shopping with company" issue!

If I'm accompanied by a non-disabled friend, I have a harder time getting and keeping the attention of clerks. Clerks seem to prefer dealing with my friends than me even when we're shopping for me. If I ask a question, they'll answer it to my friend rather than me. Most of my friends know better tho and are quick to remind clerks who they should be dealing with.

There's also the "Puppy syndrome" thing.

I get touched a lot by other people, be they acquaintances or strangers. A lot of men touch me in ways they wouldn't dare touch other men. When I had a head full of hair, it was common for people to pet me on the head and ruffle my hair. That was a common way to greet me. Even strangers would do it on occasion. I don't know that many professionals with university graduate degrees who get petted that way by male strangers. Thank God I'm now completely and utterly bald!

I think too many people still buy into the myth that disabled persons are sexless and perpetual children. There's a good side to that tho. Because they think I'm asexual, many people, especially men, feel more comfortable showing affection to me by touch. It's just weird when strangers do it tho.

One of my friends has osteogenesis imperfecta. It's a physical development problem mainly affection the skeleton. She's tiny and has a baby face. She also can't walk and uses a wheelchair. Strangers assume she's a little girl and treat her as such. She sort of got used to it by now, but she still feels the need to rant about it now and then. It's kind of understandable. She's 42, holds a Ph.D. in linguistics and is an university teacher.

Most people are nice toward me and other disabled persons over here tho. The annoying things they do they usually do out of ignorance rather than meanness. They have good hearts but they just don't know. If I don't let people treat me differently, they usually are happy to treat me like everyone else.

:wave:

aimejl · Apr 3, 2004

When I was in school I was treated as if I could not do anything for myself. I may have a disability but I can fend for myself. I would like help when I ask for it, but I hate being treated like I am two years old.

Jinnapiban · Apr 3, 2004

Cranberry said:
There's the "shopping with company" issue!

If I'm accompanied by a non-disabled friend, I have a harder time getting and keeping the attention of clerks. Clerks seem to prefer dealing with my friends than me even when we're shopping for me. If I ask a question, they'll answer it to my friend rather than me. Most of my friends know better tho and are quick to remind clerks who they should be dealing with.

There's also the "Puppy syndrome" thing.

I get touched a lot by other people, be they acquaintances or strangers. A lot of men touch me in ways they wouldn't dare touch other men. When I had a head full of hair, it was common for people to pet me on the head and ruffle my hair. That was a common way to greet me. Even strangers would do it on occasion. I don't know that many professionals with university graduate degrees who get petted that way by male strangers. Thank God I'm now completely and utterly bald!

I think too many people still buy into the myth that disabled persons are sexless and perpetual children. There's a good side to that tho. Because they think I'm asexual, many people, especially men, feel more comfortable showing affection to me by touch. It's just weird when strangers do it tho.

One of my friends has osteogenesis imperfecta. It's a physical development problem mainly affection the skeleton. She's tiny and has a baby face. She also can't walk and uses a wheelchair. Strangers assume she's a little girl and treat her as such. She sort of got used to it by now, but she still feels the need to rant about it now and then. It's kind of understandable. She's 42, holds a Ph.D. in linguistics and is an university teacher.

Most people are nice toward me and other disabled persons over here tho. The annoying things they do they usually do out of ignorance rather than meanness. They have good hearts but they just don't know. If I don't let people treat me differently, they usually are happy to treat me like everyone else.

I appreciate hearing your comments on this subject... I am not physically disabled (you didn't mention anything about mental disorders... whew!)

I have one child who shys away from someone with a disability and another who feels it is her life's amibition to walk up to them and find out what their problem is.... makes life lots of fun! Anyway, it's interesting to watch the responses of the person & others around ... some folks are more open to that than others. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what the "appropriate" thing is, but I believe that if my child feels comfortable & confident enough to approach someone it's okay.

My child that shys away only does that with people she doesn't know. She has befriended a classmate that has down's syndrome and has trouble with some of the other students.

I think that what you said about folks having good hearts is true.... it's just they don't want to do or say something wrong, so they think it's better to not do or say anything.

The one thing I teach my daughters is that every person they see is loved by and is a child of God.

jp

Cranberry · Apr 3, 2004

Jinnapiban said:
I have one child who shys away from someone with a disability and another who feels it is her life's amibition to walk up to them and find out what their problem is.... makes life lots of fun! Anyway, it's interesting to watch the responses of the person & others around ... some folks are more open to that than others. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what the "appropriate" thing is, but I believe that if my child feels comfortable & confident enough to approach someone it's okay.

I love kids and when one asks me about my disability I always take some time to answer her. The only disabled persons I know who don't like to deal with inquisite kids are newly injured and still grieving or those who just don't enjoy the company of children, no matter the topic of their questions.

I personally believe it's important to allow children to ask their questions about the more "mysterious" aspects of life like illness, disability and death. It reduces the odds these topics will become taboo in their mind and that they'll grow up into adults who are uncomfortable around disabled persons, for exemple.

I'm not the uncontested master of etiquette (I'm more like a politically incorrect crip) but I thought I'd try to determine what would be the best way for a parent to deal with a kid who is eager to interact with disabled persons and discover what happened to them. So let's pretend I'm a famous columnist on etiquette called "Mister Fufu".

It's hard to be a parent. It's rewarding I'm sure. But it's a hard job because you got to teach tons and tons of things to your kids about the world and people. But as much as I have sympathy for the overworked parents of the world, I'd like to add three more things they should teach their kids. I'm a cruel guy I know.

1) Teach kids to introduce themselves (just their first name or nickname! You gotta be careful too) first and to learn the name of the disabled person.

2) Teach kids that not all disabled persons will be fine with answering questions about their disability (try to explain why as best as you can). They should ask permission to the disabled persons first before asking about the disability itself. If they agree, then it's okay to ask questions.

3) Teach kids to thank the disabled person for having answered their questions.

I can't guarantee anything but I think very few disabled persons would have a problem with kids and their inquisitive nature (Don't all kids ask questions about everything anyway?!) if they all did these little things.

Also, a positive side effect of teaching kids these three simple rules would be that, eventually, we would have much less bad mannered adults running around. I can't tell you how many times in my life I've been asked questions about my sex life with a disability by complete strangers in weird places, like elevators. That's so rude! You need to ask me what's my name and tell me yours before you do that. Tsk.

I'm sure you're a great mother Jinnapiban. You got it right when you say: "I don't know what the "appropriate" thing is, but I believe that if my child feels comfortable & confident enough to approach someone it's okay.". Frankly, I think you have the correct attitude. Everything I added appeared in my post mainly because I have this weird fantasy about being an etiquette columnist named Mister Fufu.

I wish you and your daughters long, healthy lives.

:wave:

Leader of the Banned · Apr 3, 2004

You wouldn't believe how many people have told me that diabetes is somehow an "advantage" because I "get to take insulin"....HUH??????????

Cranberry · Apr 3, 2004

aimejl said:
When I was in school I was treated as if I could not do anything for myself. I may have a disability but I can fend for myself. I would like help when I ask for it, but I hate being treated like I am two years old.

Hello Jaime,

Did you get comments along the lines of "You should learn your limits" or "You should accept your limits, pride will only make yourself more miserable" when you refused help? People who want you to be humble rather than proudful but are themselves the opposite of that, believing they're in a better position than you to evaluate your own limits even tho you're the one who lived with your disability all your life... Oh the irony.

Bye!

Jinnapiban · Apr 3, 2004

Cranberry said:
I love kids and when one asks me about my disability I always take some time to answer her. The only disabled persons I know who don't like to deal with inquisite kids are newly injured and still grieving or those who just don't enjoy the company of children, no matter the topic of their questions.

I personally believe it's important to allow children to ask their questions about the more "mysterious" aspects of life like illness, disability and death. It reduces the odds these topics will become taboo in their mind and that they'll grow up into adults who are uncomfortable around disabled persons, for exemple.

I'm not the uncontested master of etiquette (I'm more like a politically incorrect crip) but I thought I'd try to determine what would be the best way for a parent to deal with a kid who is eager to interact with disabled persons and discover what happened to them. So let's pretend I'm a famous columnist on etiquette called "Mister Fufu".

It's hard to be a parent. It's rewarding I'm sure. But it's a hard job because you got to teach tons and tons of things to your kids about the world and people. But as much as I have sympathy for the overworked parents of the world, I'd like to add three more things they should teach their kids. I'm a cruel guy I know.

1) Teach kids to introduce themselves (just their first name or nickname! You gotta be careful too) first and to learn the name of the disabled person.

2) Teach kids that not all disabled persons will be fine with answering questions about their disability (try to explain why as best as you can). They should ask permission to the disabled persons first before asking about the disability itself. If they agree, then it's okay to ask questions.

3) Teach kids to thank the disabled person for having answered their questions.

I can't guarantee anything but I think very few disabled persons would have a problem with kids and their inquisitive nature (Don't all kids ask questions about everything anyway?!) if they all did these little things.

Also, a positive side effect of teaching kids these three simple rules would be that, eventually, we would have much less bad mannered adults running around. I can't tell you how many times in my life I've been asked questions about my sex life with a disability by complete strangers in weird places, like elevators. That's so rude! You need to ask me what's my name and tell me yours before you do that. Tsk.

I'm sure you're a great mother Jinnapiban. You got it right when you say: "I don't know what the "appropriate" thing is, but I believe that if my child feels comfortable & confident enough to approach someone it's okay.". Frankly, I think you have the correct attitude. Everything I added appeared in my post mainly because I have this weird fantasy about being an etiquette columnist named Mister Fufu.

I wish you and your daughters long, healthy lives.

Thank you for your kind words and advice Mister Fufu... hee hee

I appreciate the insight, especially about introducing ourselves... one weird thing about children is that they can play for hours with someone on a playground & when it's time to leave & I ask them what their friends' name is, they have NO clue.... It's kinda cool, but I agree that it will help us have less rude adults later on.

Something that I have been teaching my girls since they were babies is that "we are ALL weird". Now I know that is a strange thing to tell someone, especially someone you love, but I really believe it is an important thing to know. There are so many influences from our society that communicate that some people are "perfect" or have it better than others and I don't fall for that theory. I certainly don't want my girls believing that either.

One thing I would like to share with you... people are weird and rude about asking others about their sex life no matter what!!!! It truly amazes me how personal folks can be... I like to give them specific and unbelievably exciting answers just to see if they buy them!

btw - you would make a terrific columnist! Pursue the dream!

Jinna

aimejl · Apr 3, 2004

Cranberry said:
Hello Jaime,

Did you get comments along the lines of "You should learn your limits" or "You should accept your limits, pride will only make yourself more miserable" when you refused help? People who want you to be humble rather than proudful but are themselves the opposite of that, believing they're in a better position than you to evaluate your own limits even tho you're the one who lived with your disability all your life... Oh the irony.

Bye!

No, but I have gotten We only try to help you but you always say no. They only offer help when I don't need it and when I actually need the help they give me snotty looks or ignore me. They just don't understand that I know my limits and that I will ask for help when I need it.

sobresaliente · Apr 4, 2004

I have never had much of a problem with this in my life....There are times when I get treated differently, but many times these instances work out in my favor.

People whom I know are always willing to lend a helping hand and for that I am grateful...it would an awful thing to get injured over something that could very well have been avoided just by asking for a little help.

Sobresaliente

Didymus · Apr 10, 2004

i hate it when people gush over my daughter because she is slow and if she wasn t they would ignore her.

Miss Mayberry · Apr 10, 2004

Didymus said:
i hate it when people gush over my daughter because she is slow and if she wasn t they would ignore her.

My mom has the tendency to do that. I am involved in equine therapy for physically and mentally challenged children and adults. I often tell stories to my mom about the kids that make me laugh or cry and I don't know what all, and she says things like "Aww. Poor kid". I respect her and don't want to correct her; I'm afraid she'll think I'm just being a hard-hearted jerk. But they aren't "poor kids". They don't pity themselves, so she shouldn't pity them, either. Right? :scratch:

pieman3141 · Apr 13, 2004

They try. I'm usually very upfront, so I don't take no ****. Having communications difficulties, though, I do allow for people to help "translate" if they're simply not getign it.

Cranberry · Apr 17, 2004

Miss Mayberry said:
My mom has the tendency to do that. I am involved in equine therapy for physically and mentally challenged children and adults. I often tell stories to my mom about the kids that make me laugh or cry and I don't know what all, and she says things like "Aww. Poor kid". I respect her and don't want to correct her; I'm afraid she'll think I'm just being a hard-hearted jerk. But they aren't "poor kids". They don't pity themselves, so she shouldn't pity them, either. Right?

My opinion: You're right. I also think you're very smart.
I hope you enjoy being involved in equine therapy because I suspect you're very good at it. Hopefully you'll keep doing it a loooooong time.

:wave:

ShetlandRose · Apr 18, 2004

This is interesting...to me. Being hearing disabled I need to read lips for consonants, lest I act like the elderly lady who cannot distinuish rain, main, train, brain, sane, etc. When I ask a store clerk to repeat a sentence (usually they have turned their head away and are looking at the clock on the wall or a co-worker) sometimes they seem mildly irritated. If I say that I am hard of hearing they seem impatient but speak louder (not slower). Last week I told the grocery clerk "I read lips." Wow. Instant understanding! She looked me square in the eye and s-l-o-w-l-y repeated her words. Neat! So why didn't I think of this before? Duh. Maybe thinking I am severely deaf (which I am not) or she has watched episodes of "Sue Thomas: F.B. Eye" or just creating a better picture made all the difference. I am going to keep testing this new discovery.

loribee59 · Apr 27, 2004

ShetlandRose said:
This is interesting...to me. Being hearing disabled I need to read lips for consonants, lest I act like the elderly lady who cannot distinuish rain, main, train, brain, sane, etc. When I ask a store clerk to repeat a sentence (usually they have turned their head away and are looking at the clock on the wall or a co-worker) sometimes they seem mildly irritated. If I say that I am hard of hearing they seem impatient but speak louder (not slower). Last week I told the grocery clerk "I read lips." Wow. Instant understanding! She looked me square in the eye and s-l-o-w-l-y repeated her words. Neat! So why didn't I think of this before? Duh. Maybe thinking I am severely deaf (which I am not) or she has watched episodes of "Sue Thomas: F.B. Eye" or just creating a better picture made all the difference. I am going to keep testing this new discovery.

Hiya!

I've been hearing impaired since birth, and I can tell you the frustration of dealing with people who don't have patience repeating themselves. I totally agree with you. Since I'm a bit lousy with sign language and lip reading, I do wear a hearing aid, and I do my best to 'fill in the blanks' when I have people talking to me (directly/indirectly). Long ago, Ann Landers wrote about people with disabilities, and she noticed that people have more patience for disabled people who are NOT hearing impaired. Why is it any harder to repeat something....and why do people feel they need to YELL. I can 'hear' thankyouverymuch, it's just I don't UNDERSTAND. No matter how great the hearing aid is, I'll always will have speech comprehension problems. Even after all those years, I still can't get my mom to understand. ARGH!

It's great to have a forum for disabled folks here! :clap:

~loribee59

Kira Faye · Apr 30, 2004

My mum has hearign difficulties and reads lips.......I sometimes forgoet which side she is deaf on cause u can hardly tell, until she moves me to the other side to talk. I get mixed reactiosn about my problems, some people treat my like a fragile piece of glass and some seem to think that I'm hamming it up. Most people don't notice anythign wrong until I stop using my arm period and start limping and then they half ignore it, "Kira go run down there and get that thing please." "Ummm no can' u see I'm havign difficultign standign thats why I'm lying on the counter half passed out!" And I hate people constantly asking, I have a blue wrist guard on at most times especailly during work, some kids ask and thats fine, but when people constantly pester me about it, or in soem cases grab my arm does it upset me. I hate it when my mum treats me like a piece fo glass I hardly do anythign cause I migth get sick or might become paralysied for the day, its just stupid I know my limitations I learnt after 6 yrs. Who knows better then me?

Kristi1 · Aug 26, 2004

I have been protected all my life by God, He knew I would need his Help. My Chest looks like a road map for a surgons scalple...

I walk with a cane sometimes, most of the time with a walker now. Yes, I get looks from healthy people. I usally Just Smile at them, and most of the time they smile back at me.

Blessings, \o/

KristiAnn
AKA
MsGuidedAngel

Nossa-the-Lame · Aug 26, 2004

I don't tell people I have cancer, unless I have to or unless I became close to the person. When I tell people I am under teatmen they either: A)treat me like I am an idiot(which I hate, its an insult to my intelgence) and like I can't do anything, or B)decide to stay away from me and not talk to me. So since I don't look sick, I don't say anything. There is only a very small bunch who treat me like a normal person, unless they can't cause of something.

belle1492 · Aug 27, 2004

Miss Mayberry said:
My mom has the tendency to do that. I am involved in equine therapy for physically and mentally challenged children and adults. I often tell stories to my mom about the kids that make me laugh or cry and I don't know what all, and she says things like "Aww. Poor kid". I respect her and don't want to correct her; I'm afraid she'll think I'm just being a hard-hearted jerk. But they aren't "poor kids". They don't pity themselves, so she shouldn't pity them, either. Right?

I have a friend who says "bless your heart" to everyone

And at times when I mention something that I can't do because of my disability (I'm not complaining to her just stating a fact) she alwas says "Oh bless your heart!" I love my friend, but that just drives me nuts because the way she says it sounds like she is pitying me.

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