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InTheFlame

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I'd be shattered. Upset, angry, and probably very closed off for a few weeks. I'd need absolute transparency from him for months before I'd even come close to reconciliation. WOULD I stay with him? I'd like to think so. But the marriage would be very, very strained for ages. I'd need a counsellor to take out all my upsetness, anger, hurt, etc for a while so I didn't completely destroy the relationship.

Oh - I had a look at that thread. I'd be mortified if I knew hubby had the opinion that the other woman was so much better than me. I mean, I'm tough, but we're still talking shattered self-esteem and self-confidence. Hubby thinks I'm awesome, and that really helps me in tough times. One thing I'd say to the guy involved... no-one's ever as great as they seem when you feel stuck with someone else. Stop glamourising what you can't have and start appreciating the unique creation that you do. Otherwise your marriage WILL go down the toilet no matter what.
 
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Epoh99

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ProfessorMom said:
I would be devastated, crushed, shocked, bewildered, wounded, angry. Honestly, I don't know what I would do. I know I would run to God, but I don't know what I'd do next.

I agree with you. I would have those same emotions but I don't know what I'd do next.

Since this hasn't happened to me I say I would separate immediately with no reconciliation because "once a cheater always a cheater." (Yes, I know God can change anyone.)

However, close friend of mine is going through this as she caught her husband cheating on her. In the past she always said, "I'd kill him if he cheated on me. Women who stay with a cheater are stupid. I'd kick him to the curb." Now that she's going through this it's a different story. She told me recently that she can't believe how she's reacting to this situation by putting up with his garbage and staying with him. She never would have imagined staying with a cheater.

So, I honestly don't know what I would do.
 
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bliz

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I cannot imagine how very hurt I would be, or how it would impact me, or how long and what process it would take to reconcile and trust again, but I would not want to end the marriage. We have nearly 30 years in together and I am not about to cash it in becasue of one mistake.

I would hope that my husband would respond that way if it were me. And if that is what I would want from him, it is unacceptable of me to not work to forgive him.

If the cheating were continual, and he were unrepentant, different story.
 
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Amélie Unbound

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About whether or not to tell the wife, the thing about situations like this is that the truth usually comes out sooner or later anyway. For example, the woman he cheated with could confess and it could come out that way. And it will be far worse if the wife hears it from someone else besides her husband. So I definitely think he needs to tell her.

What I don't think the husband should do is tell his wife that the other woman is better than her. That would just be the cruelest thing he could do. It made me sick to read that he even thinks such thoughts. In fact, every time he has such a thought I think he needs to take it captive and give it to Jesus. He has got to get rid of those thoughts and feelings and choose to love his wife and see her as the most beautiful woman alive. He needs to forsake all others, not only with his body but also his thoughts. It might be impossible to do on his own, but nothing is impossible with God.
 
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MaraPetra

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When I first learned of my then-husband's affair, it literally felt like someone kicked me in the stomach and stole the very breath from my lungs. I'd suspected it for over a month, but I didn't think he would take his marriage vows so lightly. I came across his and her emails to one another while doing maintenance on our computer. He thought he'd erased those emails...But he didn't realize that they automatically saved to the "sent" folder, and he was very religious about hitting the "reply" button on her emails, which gave me both her words, and the headers which let me know when the messages were sent.

Suddenly, everything I had ever done for that man seemed such a waste, and I felt as though the marriage itself was a travesty. He had told me he loved me that morning, for crying out loud! And there I was, reading the emails that told me how the affair had started, how long it had lasted, how it had progressed from flirtation to the physical. I read his words demeaning me, calling me "distant", "cold" and "a ___" (rhymes with witch). I read her words as she lovingly teased him about me, saying things like, "I love you (Oops! Better not let the wife see this!)."

Suddenly, everything that I thought had been stable and rock-solid seemed as shifting as sand. I had spent almost nine years with the man, and I suddenly felt like I never knew him at all. Our new daughter was only ten months old, and I remember holding her and sobbing helplessly, because what I'd counted on to be the one constant in my life was no longer there in an instant. For me, everything changed when I realized the betrayal. I changed when I found out about it.

I called him at work and asked him if he had a good lawyer. He asked, "Umm...Why? What are you talking about?" I replied, "I found Leslie's and your emails to each other." At the time, he worked fifteen minutes from home. That day, he made it home in seven minutes.

He didn't realize exactly how much I knew, of course. He wasn't very savvy about the Internet, and perhaps he thought he'd just forgotten to erase a few emails. So when I asked him about her calling the house when I wasn't home, he denied it. Three times I asked. Three times he denied. So I quoted the email, word for word, from four months before, when she told him how very sexy she found his voice, and while it was comforting to hear on the phone, she much preferred it in person. His face crumpled at my words, and it was apparent that he knew I knew everything, or at the very least most of it.

It was the only time in nine years that I had ever seen my husband cry. My two miscarriages didn't even cause grief. The death of his aunt caused no tears. But he wept bitterly...Not because he regretted the affair, but because he'd been found out. For me, it was a bitter blow to an already beaten relationship to be lied to in addition to being cheated upon.

He begged me, through his tears, to stay. I tried staying for our two kids' sakes, of course. But something very precious and very beautiful died inside of me that day, and no matter how I tried, I couldn't revive it within myself. Every word he said, I doubted. His "I love you" sickened me. I became paranoid if he even left to go to the corner store alone. I didn't believe anything he said...And once, I'd hung onto his every word :cry:

Physically, I couldn't stand the sight of him, and I just couldn't bring myself to make love to him. I went to a doctor to be tested for sexually transmitted disease within a few weeks, but at the time, nothing showed up (Six months later, I tested positive for HPV. I was devastated!). Every time I saw him naked, I gagged at the thought of him going to someone else and then wanting to go to me. The body I had once adored had become obscene, defiled, and I wanted none if it. The few times he forced me, I wept bitterly afterwards, and felt disgusting.

An abused woman often doesn't realize the depth of abuse until after she leaves the situation. In my case, I lasted four months before I finally left. No matter what he called me in those nine years, no matter how he'd hurt me, no matter how hard I'd worked both inside and outside the house, no matter how he'd beaten me down, I was willing to stay. It was only when I discovered the affair, and realized that I could no longer trust him, that I left with the kids.

My first marriage was lived without God's presence, but I think God delivered me.

In my second marriage, where God plays such a big role for both of us, I still don't know if I'd have the strength to forgive infidelity. I'd like to think God's worked so many changes in my life, but I don't know if I'd be strong enough to take the betrayal a second time.
 
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Oblivious

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I would knock his teeth out - and yes, I'm serious.

After that, I really don't know what I'd do. I can see myself forgivening him. It's the forgetting that's the problem. Plus the trust that I had for him would be gone. Things would definitely never be the same again, that's for sure...:(
 
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KristiLee

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If my husband cheated on me, I would certainly go through plenty of emotions. I would seriously consider our marriage and see if the damage could be mended before ending the relationship. If I had a choice of whether he tell me or not, I would say that as long as he came to the conclusion that what he did was wrong and repented to God, I would not want to know. I believe the torment for a terrible sin like that is enough within yourself without having to add the pain on your wife's face. I see no need in putting a barrier between us if we want to work things out anyway. Not to mention I don' t want that kind of pain for myself. If I was told though, like I said, I would try to mend the relationship. I know that Satan came to steal kill and destroy the things God loves, and I believe God loves marriage. Why would I give Satan that satisfaction? That is my take.
 
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DaveKerwin

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KristiLee said:
If I was told though, like I said, I would try to mend the relationship. I know that Satan came to steal kill and destroy the things God loves, and I believe God loves marriage. Why would I give Satan that satisfaction? That is my take.
Satan is also the father of lies, shouldn't a lie be brought into the light of Christ?

God indeed does love marriage, but he hates sin. When a marriage has roots of sin, God does not love such a thing, but Satan sure does! Satan would receive no satisfaction in a confession of sin, because that is a Godly act. Satan would not receive satisfaction when a lie is brought out of darkness into light for confession and forgiveness. What do you think?
 
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Zoomer

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I hope I never experience the feeling of finding out my husband cheated. I am shocked at how many spouses cheat. I read somewhere that estimated that 30%-50% of all marriages are affected by infedility on one or both spouses part. That just blew me away. Anyway, to answer your question...

If I found out that he was hiding an affair from me, my first reaction would be the deepest pain and hurt. I would feel betrayed, lied to, and I would have a good cry. Then I would pull myself together, and confront him. There would be a lot of yelling, screaming, crying...There is nothing that I hate more than a liar and cheater. I doubt I would want to stay in the marriage after that, as I don't think I would be able to stand the sight of my husband or even be able to forgive him.

Now if he came to me and admitted an affair, and seem genuinely sorry... I think I would have similiar emotions as above. Yet, I would be more willing to try and work things out. However, I doubt I would be able to fully trust him again, and that in itself could cause the marriage to fall apart even more. His breaking my trust, would bother me more than the actual act of cheating, and it would be extremely tough for me to get over that since I believe trust is vital to a marriage.
 
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sarasarabobara

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I'd be crushed and devastated. As fairy tale-ish and unrealistic as it may sound, there's something inside me that believes my husband only has eyes for me. Do I recognize that men are visual? Of course. But if my husband took things one step further and cheated on me, I'd feel absolutely hurt, angry, and betrayed. If he is allowed to expect me to be faithful to him, why can't I expect the same from him?

Hugs to the women (and men) in this forum who have experienced unfaithfulness. :hug:
 
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CarrieAg93

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Epoh99 said:
I agree with you. I would have those same emotions but I don't know what I'd do next.

Since this hasn't happened to me I say I would separate immediately with no reconciliation because "once a cheater always a cheater." (Yes, I know God can change anyone.)

However, close friend of mine is going through this as she caught her husband cheating on her. In the past she always said, "I'd kill him if he cheated on me. Women who stay with a cheater are stupid. I'd kick him to the curb." Now that she's going through this it's a different story. She told me recently that she can't believe how she's reacting to this situation by putting up with his garbage and staying with him. She never would have imagined staying with a cheater.

So, I honestly don't know what I would do.

That's how I feel. I've always said I'd "kick him to the curb", but not having been there I can't honestly say what I'd do.

I would want to know though. When I was in college my roommate and a guy I was interested in got together and didn't tell me. They had every right to so it wasn't even like he cheated on me, but I was extremely hurt because all our other friends knew. Nobody wanted to be the one to tell and hurt my feelings. I figured it out and then felt like a fool because everyone else knew. I was more hurt by everyone keeping the "secret". I wasn't even in a relationship with this guy so I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if everyone knew that my husband had an affair and I was the last to know.
 
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Ilovemyhusband

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A Taffer said:
Wives, what would you do if your husband cheated on you?

(Reference this thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t2523161-had-an-affair-need-help.html)

Devastated. My beloved in the arms of another? :cry:

I have actually thought about this. If he repented..forgiveness. He would be tested for an STD. Then, it would be water under the bridge. No strain, no bringing it back up, just moving on.

If he was not remorseful...forgiveness. If it was habitual afterwards...biblically divorce. (only habitual adultery is an excuse for divorce). And....never to remarry until his death, if that should ever happen before my own.

I have really thought about this hard long before this question was asked. This is the road less travelled, but...it is one that I have committed to in front of God, my family, and my church (July 27, 2002). Not an easy choice, either, but again..one I am committed to take.
 
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Leanna

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Orchard, the reason he thinks the other woman is better is because she is the other woman. She is not the woman he is with now. 99% of the time if he were to leave his wife and live with the other woman.... in only a year's time he'd be claming his exwife was better. Its his mentality. The body of a super model and awesome sex only goes so far. If he were on the other side of the fence he would be claiming his exwife cooked better, or actually cared about her kids, or babied him better when he was sick, etc.

Furthermore in his opening statement he talks about the excitement. I do fear for this man. It is often that rush that causes repeat offenders in the affair area. He must "just say no" and refuse to allow himself to talk to women. It is as the Bible says, if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.

I do know how he feels though, and I am a woman. He is right that making such a grave mistake in allowing yourself to fall in love with someone not your spouse makes life on the morally correct side of the fence more difficult. There were things that my baby's father did differently and in my shallow mind perhaps "better." I will not get into it. But that is the price of sin, it is a memory that will have to haunt me. He is not better than my husband although my mind will try to trick me into thinking so at bad moments. As someone said (was it Orchard?) such thoughts must be taken captive. My husband is a great man and there is no excuse. This man is allowing his feelings to guide him and it does not create a victorious life. God wants us to be victorious over sin and though I fight it God will allow me to prevail. He never gives us a fight that we cannot win and by life or death I will not allow myself to harbor such thoughts.

David Kerwin, it would be necessary for my husband to confess for their to be a true cleansing and reawakening within the marriage. I truly believe there is no healing where there is no honesty. A man or woman who does not confess is living their marriage in a lie and the jilted spouse is being taken advantage of.

I did not read more than the first page, as it is the men's page.... but I do hope that one of you will please show him this website: www.marriagebuilders.com as my husband and I found it to be the most useful website on the internet to deal with infidelity.

Please have much grace with me as this post makes me rather vulnerable :help:
 
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