Not tonight honey - for husbands

Thanks. It's always helpful to hear some of this again even if we "know" it already.

Peace,
John

revjayman said:

There are a number of reasons why a woman does not want sex, or does not want much sex, or does not enjoy sex. In order to deal with the problem, you need to try and find the root of it. I realise she probably does not want to, or refuses to talk about it, so here are some reasons for you to think about - maybe you will see her, or yourself, in one of these.

Sexually painful past:, Sex is dirty:, Stress and exhaustion:, It's only physical:, Relational problems:, Sending a message: Same thing for your wife - it's not how much you give her, it's giving her what she needs.

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Or maybe you will see outstanding roadblocks Satan uses to emotionally thwart marital unions among God's people. Its odd my sexually active single friends and coworkers never seem to have such problems.

I have this reminder in my blog and other places. One verse I follow faithfully is 1 Peter 3:7 that I will always to my best to submit to my wife's feelings and wishes. Spiritual intimacy in marriage is about partnering with God. Submission to me means "Live with your wives". The term translated "live" means "to dwell down with," and be understanding to my wife's emotions. As a husband, I am the one who should be cultivating an in-depth partnership with my wife and be sensitive to her needs. A spiritual husband ought to have sensitive spirit, a willingness to be involved, to listen, to communicate, to care. The husband is exhorted to live with his wife "with understanding."

When it comes to sex... I am fully understanding and give her emotional support first. That's my priority. To see that she is emotionally and physically cared for.

Hmm, I am about to go to the Bible for this one, but I know I am about to get hate-mail or scoffs or dirty looks, but:

"The wife doesn't have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise also the husband doesn't have authority over his own body, but the wife.Don't deprive one another, unless it is by consent for a season, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and may be together again, that Satan doesn't tempt you because of your lack of self-control"--1 Corinthians 7:4-5



I feel that women (AND men) should not excuse themselves from their wife/husband because of this or that. The sexual commitment was also made when the emotional commitment of marriage was made as well...oh, and by the way, they are connected. Usually if something is wrong in the marriage, the bedroom is the first telltale sign. For men and women, sex is a physiological AND psychological release..and an emotional bonding. It is the tangible symbol of the abstract concept of marriage.

It is not wise for a woman/man to put off their spouse for long. I mean, a night or two because of illness or whatnot...or terminal illness OR medical incapability( I am not some heartless nympho), but be reasonable...I mean, if you have to put your spouse off, tell them WHEN you will NOT put them off.

I mean, we can use some logic and moderation, right? We can approach this reasonably as men and women, right?

Not all women are this way. I want sex twice as much as my husband.

Lucky dog, huh?

Rev - nice post. It would be nice if you clarified that these are generalisations, though... some men would run into problems if they assumed their wife fitted the model and were wrong

PS. There's a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen which covers this sort of thing in more detail.

im gonna give this to my wife, we definitly have this issue

revjayman said:

If you are feeling sex starved

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Shoot, not me bro...gotta keep a stick next to the bedpost.

I complained about the lack of sex ... a year after our first child. She finally agreed and... got pregnant again. Now I am waiting again for about a year and have to be patient to become intimate (and more carefull)....
If only women also knew that a husband comes first and then the children.... Fortunately I usually feel too tired anyway after work and with two small children.
Maybe our christmas break to Afrika where her mum can look a while after the children could give us also a 'break' to become whole again

Sex does begin in the kitchen, or the laundry room My husband does the laundry and it is pretty exciting to me. The best way is to engage in initmate conversation. Ask HER how she is feeling about such and such. When a woman feels emotionally intimate she is more likely to express herself sexually.

Stress is also the biggest turn off ever. Do whatever you can to reduce it! It is not totally out of your control.

Upriser said:

I complained about the lack of sex ... a year after our first child. She finally agreed and... got pregnant again. Now I am waiting again for about a year and have to be patient to become intimate (and more carefull)....
If only women also knew that a husband comes first and then the children....

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I hear where you're coming from on this. But sometimes even a woman who knows that her husband must come first has to give attention to the kids - when your time and resources are very limited, the most urgent needs have to be met first and feeding and clothing your kids often simply have to happen before you can be intimate with your husband... plus of course children are extremely tiring! All I'm saying is, maybe your wife's priorities are right but she can't find a way to make it work in practice.

I hope your vacation works out for you.

sculpturegirl said:

Not all women are this way. I want sex twice as much as my husband.

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My predicament exactly. It seems my wife wants it more than I do...of course, I don't mind.

squatpuke said:

Shoot, not me bro...gotta keep a stick next to the bedpost.

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Dude, there is a joke here somewhere.............I can't do it............

Stress and exhaustion: Women do not have as strong a sex drive as we guys have, and things that wear on their bodies or minds destroy both their desire to have sex and their ability to enjoy it.


When I'm not in the mood, that ^ is the reason probably 95% percent of the time.

Great thread, revjayman.

Nice thread, but it doesn't apply to every women. How many men tell there wives, not tonight honey I'm tired?? My hubby does on occasion, to the ladies out there, does this worry you if it happens?? I will be the first to admit I enjoy that part of my marriage more than most women and men! And of course there is the age diff, hubby is 34 and I am 23! I pity him when I hit 40!!!

So a question for the men and women, does it hurt your feelings to hear "not tonight honey"???? The few times that hubby has said that, hurt me deeply. I don't know if men think along these lines, but I start questioning his attraction to me, his love for me, is there someone else???? The questions that pass through my mind are endless. Does this sound familiar to anyone else??

I guess sex is a bigger part of some couples marriages than others.

agyevesam said:

And of course there is the age diff, hubby is 34 and I am 23! I pity him when I hit 40!!!

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You'll probably be hearing a lot more of "not tonight honey, I'm tired" when you're 40 and your husband is 51.