A deal breaker?

eatenbylocusts · Oct 13, 2005

I'm so glad to have found this site. I need some unbiased opinions. I am divorced with kids. I was matched online with a wonderful mid 40s Christian man who is a virgin. Our relationship has comfortably progressed very quickly in just over a month and we are attending classes to prepare for marriage. We are not engaged. My ex gave me herpes while I was pregnant with my youngest. I don't know when I should share this information with my SO. We have 4 more weeks of classes. My child is doing well in school, but she may have some residual effects from her illness. I really didn't want to reveal her medical history until my SO got to know her a little bit more. That opportunity may be happening this weekend. Since Herpes is so prevalent today (1 in 4 sexually active-most unaware) I had not anticipated this being a problem, but I never expected to find a man in his 40's still saving himself for marriage.
The question is not if I should tell him, it's when should I tell him.

Inperfected · Oct 13, 2005

I've heard a saying "honesty is the best policy", and i think in this case, it's so true.

If you had waited til you were 40ish... would you want to be told? If he loves you the way you say seem to make out he does, then he may be a little shocked, but he won't judge, and i suspect wouldn't break the relationship for it.

MagicStar723 · Oct 13, 2005

Ditto to Imperfected. If he loves you and this relelationship is meant to be, he will accept it.

livingondreams · Oct 13, 2005

I think it would be best to tell him as soon as possible. If this is a relationship that God wants for you and this man to continue in, he will accept it. He will probably be rather shocked at first but God will work in his heart.

ChildOfGod20 · Oct 13, 2005

i agree. i'd tell him as soon as possible. if its meant to be then he'll accept this and things will work out

Maeyken · Oct 13, 2005

I think if you are preparing for marriage, you should definitely tell him right away! If your relationship is that serious, a topic like this should have already been discussed (in my opinion).

I understand your hesitence in regards to your daughter, but at the same time, if he is marrying you, he is marrying your family, and he needs to have the full information- no secrets! If you are planning for marriage, there should not be secrets like this.

Jesus-is-the-1 · Oct 13, 2005

I definitely think you should tell him as soon as possible. Chances are he will be okay with it; I'm sure it will be shocking, but I doubt he will leave you over it. BUT, it is a serious thing, and he has the right to know. Pray that God will give you the right words to say and that your future husband will have a soft heart and be understanding.

Ruukah · Oct 13, 2005

Sooner isn't always better. I think you were very wise to wait this long. The more he gets to know you and your children, the more attached he becomes and more accepting he is likely to be when you do tell him. There's nothing deceptive about that when you're not even engaged yet; information like that is very personal and should be shared only on a need-to-know basis.

eatenbylocusts · Oct 13, 2005

Someone posted that I should've already brought this up since we were considering marriage, but we spoke of marriage on the first date. He clarified when we met that he was not dating for fun, he was looking for the wife that God would have him marry. He brought up the marriage classes shortly after the second date. What I have is not life-threatening and it is usually the woman who has a more difficult time with the virus than a man. I would go on suppressive treatment if we married and from the studies that I have read there has been great success in preventing transmission. He's not looking for a virgin-the only women that he had been dating before me all had been divorced. The only difference between me and many others is that I know what I have and so I can take precautions to keep him from getting the virus also. Logically I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is a sensitive issue.
As far as my daughter is concerned-I just want him to be able to see what she is like before I tell him how she almost died and how she is an awesome miracle because she didn't die and she isn't mentally retarded like 90% of the cases like hers. Since he doesn't have kids I thought it would be good for him to see her in action before I lay out this scary-sounding stuff.
There is no way I'm going into marriage or even engagement with "secrets". I'm just confused about when the right time is. But there has been no declaration of love on his part yet and I'm just about there. He has been driving this relationship forward in a very logical manner, so I'm thinking that I'm really the one who will be suffering if our relationship does not work out, but I could be wrong since I don't really know how man's brain really works.

Maeyken · Oct 13, 2005

Ok, I am confused. You guys are taking marriage classes but you are not really planning on getting married? To me, marriage classes are something you take after you have agreed you are getting married to that person. Perhaps our ideas of marriage classes differ.

I guess you guys aren't that far into the relationship. I thought you had decided you were going to marry each other, and if that was the case, I'd think you should have already shared your info with him. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

MN John · Oct 23, 2005

Tell him right away. If this should turn out to be a deal-breaker, don't you want to know now rather than just before you would be getting engaged?

eatenbylocusts · Oct 23, 2005

JAKG said:
Tell him right away. If this should turn out to be a deal-breaker, don't you want to know now rather than just before you would be getting engaged?

You need to read my update titled broken heart. I'm just going to have to believe that it was God who put it on my heart to tell him last week even though it caused our break up last night. I don't understand it-it seemed like we were perfect for eachother and it just seemed like God had meant for us to be together.

Iggster · Oct 23, 2005

Well. I'm so sorry to hear that about you and your daughter. I'll definitely keep you two in my prayers.

You did a very brave thing. It takes a lot of courage to have done what you have done. And because you loved him, even as a brother in Christ, you were straightforward with him. I admire you for your honesty. I'm sorry for the way it turned out. But it's a lot better than waiting weeks from now to see what could happen. You may have fallen for him even more. Who knows.

Emma! · Oct 24, 2005

Hi

Im sorry that you are hurting from this. Can i just say though that this whole situation sounded a little strange. He was already taking you to marriage classes but hadnt ever told you that he loved you... you both met online and only knew each other for a month, and on the first date talked about marriage.

I am truely sorry that you are hurt, but by the sound of what you have said i think that maybe it was Gods blessing to you that this didnt work out. It all sounded a bit backward (no offence), just hoping that such rich blessings come from this. I am glad that you were honest and if it were meant to be it would have been.

Bless you and your daughter.

eatenbylocusts · Oct 24, 2005

Emma! said:
Hi
Im sorry that you are hurting from this. Can i just say though that this whole situation sounded a little strange. He was already taking you to marriage classes but hadnt ever told you that he loved you... you both met online and only knew each other for a month, and on the first date talked about marriage.

I am truely sorry that you are hurt, but by the sound of what you have said i think that maybe it was Gods blessing to you that this didnt work out. It all sounded a bit backward (no offence), just hoping that such rich blessings come from this. I am glad that you were honest and if it were meant to be it would have been.

Bless you and your daughter.

What I'm holding on to now is that God will direct my path and I don't need to worry about if I should've done something differently to change the outcome. I believe that God knows better than I what I need and I trust He will take care of me. I had the experience several years ago of losing a job opportunity that I desparately wanted. Thankfully I was already at a place in my life where I just put it all in God's hands and I had such peace and was able to move on without too much grieving. My later life experiences prepared me for my current job where I am self-sufficient and feel like I am serving God every day.
Just to clarify the marriage thing. He didn't say that he was going to marry me on the first date, but he said that his reason for dating/courting was to see if we were compatible for marriage. He was dating not for the sake of having a good time, but to find the wife that God wanted him to have. Honestly, with all of the sharing that we did on our first dates I was comfortable with the marriage building classes because I already had feelings for him that were based on getting to know him and not because of a physical attraction-which came a little later. It seems that he was hoping those feelings would develop later on his part, but he decided to go forward with the classes because we were so compatible. I think that was wrong and I have told him so. I am seriously wondering if he is even able to love a woman. At 45 he has never been in love so that may be part of the problem.
Before I met him I was content with my two children, but I had considered having more children if my husband to be wanted one or maybe two more. He really wanted to have more children and I was looking forward to experiencing all of that with him and I was getting excited about more children. It just hit me this morning that most likely I will probably not be having more children now and I'm suprised at how that feels. I'm actually grieving for the kids we might have had.

Leanna · Oct 24, 2005

...never mind.

Guy's awful picky for his age and situation...

eatenbylocusts · Oct 24, 2005

Leanna said:
...never mind.

Guy's awful picky for his age and situation...

Thanks for a laugh. I think it's o.k. to be picky when it comes to a mate, but I think in his case he is being unrealistic and maybe something is keeping him from expressing/feeling romantic love.

Leanna · Oct 24, 2005

Exactly!! 40- year old a virgin usually means they're holding out for some kinda perfection that doesn't exist or there's something emotionally wrong with them... oooh im scared theres someone around here thats going to send me a nasty PM

Emma! · Oct 25, 2005

eatenbylocusts said:
What I'm holding on to now is that God will direct my path and I don't need to worry about if I should've done something differently to change the outcome. I believe that God knows better than I what I need and I trust He will take care of me. I had the experience several years ago of losing a job opportunity that I desparately wanted. Thankfully I was already at a place in my life where I just put it all in God's hands and I had such peace and was able to move on without too much grieving. My later life experiences prepared me for my current job where I am self-sufficient and feel like I am serving God every day.
Just to clarify the marriage thing. He didn't say that he was going to marry me on the first date, but he said that his reason for dating/courting was to see if we were compatible for marriage. He was dating not for the sake of having a good time, but to find the wife that God wanted him to have. Honestly, with all of the sharing that we did on our first dates I was comfortable with the marriage building classes because I already had feelings for him that were based on getting to know him and not because of a physical attraction-which came a little later. It seems that he was hoping those feelings would develop later on his part, but he decided to go forward with the classes because we were so compatible. I think that was wrong and I have told him so. I am seriously wondering if he is even able to love a woman. At 45 he has never been in love so that may be part of the problem.
Before I met him I was content with my two children, but I had considered having more children if my husband to be wanted one or maybe two more. He really wanted to have more children and I was looking forward to experiencing all of that with him and I was getting excited about more children. It just hit me this morning that most likely I will probably not be having more children now and I'm suprised at how that feels. I'm actually grieving for the kids we might have had.

God bless you

eatenbylocusts · Oct 25, 2005

Last night I called the couple who had been leading our marriage building classes and I talked to the wife. I thought that my ex would've called them already since he said he would take care of it, but he hadn't. She was shocked. It was really a comfort to talk to her and she prayed for me. My ex emailed me today that he had read my emails and would be talking to me about them. I just have to pray that God's will would be done and that he would prepare my heart for what is to come.

A deal breaker?

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Got no doubt, boss

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