My little girl is scared of death...

HeatherJay · Aug 23, 2005

I'd love some advice here...

My 6 year old has recently started crying spontaneously. When I ask her what's wrong she says she's afraid that we (my hubby and I) are going to die. I try to assure her that we're going to be around a good long time and we're not going to leave her (I mean, what else do you tell a 6 year old?) but she's still afraid.

She says she's also afraid of dying. She says she doesn't want to die. Of course I tell her she's only a little girl, she's not going to die anytime soon either (once again, what else would you tell a 6 year old?).

I try to hug her and reassure her that death is something that happens to all of us whenever we've served whatever purpose that God has for us here on earth. I tell her that heaven is a wonderful, beautiful place where no one's ever sad or sick or mean to one another. And I make sure to tell her that heaven is a place where we'll all be together.

She cries and says that she knows all that, but she doesn't want things to change...she doesn't want to go to heaven because she just wants things to stay like they are now.

I don't know what else I can say to her. We've had the same scene two or three times now. It breaks my heart to see her so worried, even though I know there's nothing to worry about.

I'd appreciate any advice you guys have got. Also, do you have any good book recommendations? I mean more along the lines of children's books that I could read to her to help her understand that death is not something bad or scary.

We've always been really open about this issue and my girls have both been to several funerals before...I don't think that's the problem.

I suspect that it has to do with something she's heard from her friends or on the bus about death, and now she's afraid. Similarly, her friend once told her there was going to be a tornado (we were having thunderstorms) and she's since become terrified of tornadoes every time it even rains. :doh:

What can I do...I hate seeing her so worried about something like this.

Linnis · Aug 23, 2005

My nephew went through this, although I couldn't blame him with his mother leaving he's used to people leaving. I told him God watches over us and protects us and everything will be okay. I also told him he's got a beautiful angel watching over him even when he's asleep and that he can pray whenever he feels scraed and God will listen.

Basically for 2-3 weeks I had to stay within eye sight, then another 2-3 within ear shot and now he's okay.

My nephew's been afraid of Tornados every rain storm has his next to hysterical, I have yet to figure out how to stop this. He's not allowed to watch the weather channel but I tell him rains good because tornados can't be formed in the rain. Normally he freaks out for a while but I have yet to get him over it for good.

Leanna · Aug 23, 2005

I wish I had something useful to say.... but I don't know anything.

But good luck and I hope it passes soon!!

Since she is only 6, it seems that maybe she is pretty smart though, I thought kids went through that a little older....

HeatherJay · Aug 23, 2005

Leanna said:
I wish I had something useful to say.... but I don't know anything.

But good luck and I hope it passes soon!!

Since she is only 6, it seems that maybe she is pretty smart though, I thought kids went through that a little older....

Thanks.

She's a very sensitive child. AND she's a thinker...she tends to over analyze things. And she likes structure...she likes to know exactly what to expect. And when she doesn't know exactly what to expect, she gets really insecure and scared. It's just like she told me...she does NOT like things to change. I know that all these things are contributing to her fear.

LOL, I spend A LOT of my time talking and explaining things in detail to this child. That's sort of why I'd love a book that I could read to her to help her wrap her brain around the whole concept. I think that would make her feel better.

I guess at the very least I should be happy that she opens up and talks to me about her fears. I just wish I knew all the right things to say to her, though. I sit there while she's crying in my lap and pray that God would give me the words that would bring her comfort and peace. :sigh:

I guess all I can do is my best, huh?

And my hubby's no help, really. I mean, he tries to comfort her, but he just tells her it's no big deal, don't worry about it (which does not make her feel better). He tries, but I just really don't think he knows her the way that I do...he doesn't see all the little intricacies that make her who she is. I try to explain it, but he just rolls his eyes, lol. What can I say...he's a man...he doesn't fully understand me either.

Andry · Aug 24, 2005

HeatherJay...sounds like a phase, but a difficult phase nonetheless. I pray the Lord give you and DH wisdom and patience, and DD comfort and assurance.

My 0.02, sounds like you've raised her like good moms would, and she's being exposed inevitably to outside information, ie. schoolfriends and such.

You may need to back up a bit on the life and death thing. Right from the beginning with our son (he's 5), we've always said that life never ends....but continues forever. The difference is the transition between heaven-earth-heaven. We've told him before he was born he was in heaven. God blessed us with him here on earth, by being born, and (as you've also taught), once his purpose here on earth is completed, he'll return to heaven, by dying. That's an oversimplification I know, but he's comforted knowing that in the end, we'll all meet up in heaven again anyways. And that line between heaven and earth is a very slim line.

Hope this helps.

Caprice · Aug 24, 2005

(((HUG)))

Sounds hard, I don't have much to suggest other than keep her mind busy, maybe she won't have the chance to think about that too much.

I also occasionalyl get myself emotional about the idea of death, usually because of the bad dreams I have regularly. I can imagine that is very difficult for you (and her, of course) to deal with.

HeatherJay · Aug 24, 2005

andry said:
HeatherJay...sounds like a phase, but a difficult phase nonetheless. I pray the Lord give you and DH wisdom and patience, and DD comfort and assurance.

My 0.02, sounds like you've raised her like good moms would, and she's being exposed inevitably to outside information, ie. schoolfriends and such.

You may need to back up a bit on the life and death thing. Right from the beginning with our son (he's 5), we've always said that life never ends....but continues forever. The difference is the transition between heaven-earth-heaven. We've told him before he was born he was in heaven. God blessed us with him here on earth, by being born, and (as you've also taught), once his purpose here on earth is completed, he'll return to heaven, by dying. That's an oversimplification I know, but he's comforted knowing that in the end, we'll all meet up in heaven again anyways. And that line between heaven and earth is a very slim line.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for all the replies, guys. I appreciate it. :hug:

Andry, I think you hit on an approach that I haven't tried. I have not yet approached it from the angle that 'life' doesn't end (even though that's what I've been trying to convey to her in a roundabout way) and that we've always belonged to God...so 'dying' is really just going home to Him. LOL, and I'm a Nazarene, for goodness sakes! We're the ones who view death as a celebration...we don't refer to funerals as such...we call them "home-goings."

I will try to focus on that aspect a little more and see if that's helpful.

Thanks a lot.

Leanna · Aug 24, 2005

I thought that was a great idea too, life doesn't end..... I think I will use that someday.... thanks

andiesmama · Aug 24, 2005

Here's a link to a list of some books about death & dying for children. Maybe one of them sounds like it could help you...good luck!

http://www.barrharris.org/barbooks.html

Entertaining_Angels · Aug 24, 2005

I've seen a lot of children go through this especially ones in which mom or dad watch the news with the kiddos around. We don't always think about how much they take in and how much they are really listening. I encourage you, if you are news watchers, watch the news after she is asleep for the night. I was a notorious newsaholic and have changed my viewing habits because of the anxiety it gave my son. Or, if you watch any shows with violence, just shut them off or tape them for when she's asleep. I know one gal who likes daytime television and if that alone would be enough to make me neurotic

and those shows have had a terrible effect on her children. So ban oprah too

Anyhow, even if the news or television shows are not the culprits, a great solution I found is to memorize comforting Bible verses together of which there are plenty. She's definitely old enough. My son's kindergarten class memorized the entire Christmas story in Luke (it was very cute and they were like a circus act...everybody wanted them to recite for their churches).

Here are a few good verses:
Psalm 4
8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

John 14 (my son has memorized this one as well)
1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God[a]; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going."

and

27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Isaiah 41
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Be empathetic and let her know that occasionally you've had these feelings in the past and let her know how you've coped with fear.

Really pray with her and let her be comforted by your prayers for God's safety and peace.

And, remember, if you have any anxiety, she'll pick up on it. She may get some of this from her friends but she's still at the age where mom and dad are the ones playing the biggest role in her life.

Give her the tools to overcome this anxiety and you'll be helping her with future anxieties as well. That's huge

Ah, just remembered one more thing. We've recently had some deaths in our family. I've made sure to talk excitedly about how happy they are in Heaven (they were Christians) and how I will just run up and give them a great, big hug one day when I see them again. We make Heaven sound exciting (not too hard to do, really) and our son knows that one day we'll all be together again in Heaven. He always reminds me that I'll be there first because I'm so old...gotta love that kid

Beth1231 · Aug 24, 2005

I vaguely remember going through this fearful stage around eight. Dad asked me if I remembered the times when I was small when I fell asleep in the car and woke up in my bed. You can see where this is going. I was comforted with the thought that death is as peaceful as going to sleep and being carried by Jesus to Heaven. I don't know if this is good idea with a six year old, though! You have to be the judge if she is mentally able to handle a comparison and not just jump to the conclusion that she could die in her sleep.
Plus, I would take this time as a great opportunity to teach her about trusting Jesus "no matter what" and that her life is literally in His hands (and mommy's and daddy's). A visual of large hands holding her and her family might help. I found a lot of comfort in this analogy as well when I went through that "mommy and daddy might die" stage. This is coming from a girl of "structure" who also likes to know what is going to happen. I'm grateful Dad taught me those lessons to combat my almost natural tendency to worry. Hope this helps!

Andry · Aug 24, 2005

Another thing to add, we also remind our son that his guardian angels are always ever present (and often works overtime!). This is true, and his good behavior most of the time, in some measure can be contributed to his awareness that his angels are with him everywhere. We also have very little trouble at bedtime since his angels need rest too while they're watching him sleep. Thank you Lord!

Entertaining_Angels · Aug 24, 2005

andry said:
Another thing to add, we also remind our son that his guardian angels are always ever present (and often works overtime!). This is true, and his good behavior most of the time, in some measure can be contributed to his awareness that his angels are with him everywhere. We also have very little trouble at bedtime since his angels need rest too while they're watching him sleep. Thank you Lord!

Andry, I agree. I know my son has an entire fleet of angels. He's very accident prone and they are on double duty

When my son was younger, he'd always look up at the corner of the room and babble and I always got the impression that he was talking to somebody. He's seven now and has no doubt angels are watching over him but then again I always remind him how precious he is to the Lord and how the Lord is very interested in all that he does.

HeatherJay · Aug 25, 2005

Well, I ordered 4 books today, so hopefully, I'll find some others helpful ideas in those.

I got :

Waterbugs and Dragonflies - by Doris Stickney

Someday Heaven - by Larry Libby

Angels, Angels Everywhere - also by Larry Libby

and

The Next Place - by Warren Hanson

Thanks for all the helpful advice. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

OracleX · Aug 25, 2005

My daughter also started doing this not too long ago although she is only four. Things are now just starting to turn around after weeks of talks with her about it. I just keep reassuring her that death is not something to be scared of. She understands in a child like way that when we die we go to heaven but heaven is hard thing to understand for a child. All you can do is to keep answering the questions over and over and keep reassuring her over and over. It is very hard to work through this topic, especially when the questions are so very hard to answer at times. My daughter wants to know where we will live, will her pets be there, will she see Mommys babys that have died, what will her room be like, will we have a big back yard, where will she go to school, will she be big or stay small in heaven. The questions are almost endless and can just about drive you up the wall but they are all valid concerns for a child. Do your best and answer what you can. The other thing is to read from the Bible about heaven, that will spawn more questions but she will also get some of her answers.

My little girl is scared of death...

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