Hi Iwannaflyaway , and all ,
Sorry to hear you're having a hard time .
It seems we are all destined to become everything we hate , when we hate with imperfect hatred .
Imperfect hatred is aimed at what someone " is " or " appears to be " , as if they are " locked in " to that very state of " being " / " appearing to be " .
This type of hatred is imperfect because it fails to consider / recognize / acknowledge that we are all ( in our own right ) worthy of God's wrath ; and that only The Lord's Mercy covering our past sins , and His Grace enabling us to be strong against temptation to sin , is what can deliver us from our plight of having a " date " with everlasting destruction .
And Jesus has wrought , and can work this Miraculous Salvation , in the life of anyone who calls upon His Holy Name , in the spirit of godly sorrow and belief in The Gospel of Jesus Christ .
If we have experienced the Blessedness of Salvation already , and then find ourself , being drawn away , we have " left our first love " , and are instructed to -
...I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.
Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent. <-----> Revelation 2:4+5
" Remember from whence thou art fallen " - ( This you are already apparently being led to do . )
Prayerfully , remember therefore what was the nature and the context of your coming before The Lord seeking His Salvation when faith first began to manifest in your life .
This helps to refresh Christ's Virtue in us , which enables repentance , when we " do the first works " .
Here are some verses which speak of the nature and the substance of " the first works " .
...I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. <-----> 1st Corinthians 2:2
For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. <-----> 2nd Corinthians 7:10
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. <-----> Psalm 51:17
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. <-----> Psalm 51:3
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. <-----> 1st John 1:9
Apparently , you've already been led in this direction .
My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:
And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world. <-----> 1st John 2:1+2
And along with these things consider -
The worst thing about being ensnared in sin , is not the sin itself , but the ensuing hindrance from being about The Lord's Work , as the clear conscienced and confident believers which God has called us to become in Christ .
Also note , that this world which is largely under Satan's spell , is continually trying to " advertise itself " , because it seeks it's own glory , and has little reason to expect praise from an independent source which is not a co-conspirator ; but The Spirit of Christ leads us to seek that Glory be given to God , and therefore we , as such , are not " celebrated " like those who are of this world ; but as you saw , people did notice Christ's faith in your life , and they were quietly glorifying God , and not man . And this is the nature of our calling in Christ , that we should maintain a meek and lowly image , so that the Lord's Witness in us , is not corrupted by the vainglory of humanity striving against humanity - for Jesus' Blood was shed for " the sins of the whole world " .
Therefore , remember , when we serve The Lord , He , not we , is The One in the " spotlight " , and our reward is largely " hid in Him " , for the sake of keeping The Gospel free from strife , envy , vanity , and pride .
You're at a vulnerable age and it is very important to return to the faith and deny sinful urges , for it only takes a few errors in judgment , during these times , for one's life to be negatively , and dramatically impacted , in ways which can cause much undesirable and constrictive consequence .
Therefore , prayerfully , with praise being offered to The Lord , refrain from the intoxication which impairs sensible judgment , and can cause one to be numb / dumb enough to trade away that which is truly precious and free , for that which is given to bondage and regret .
Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. <-----> 2nd Corinthians 3:17
For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. <-----> Galatians 5:13
For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. <-----> Romans 8:13-15
And account that the longsuffering of our Lord is salvation; even as our beloved brother Paul also according to the wisdom given unto him hath written unto you . <-----> 2nd Peter 3:15
May The Lord be Pleased to Renew and Refresh His Virtue and His Vision for your God-given life in Jesus Christ . Amen .
Sincerely ,
wm
a big hug.
