damaged goods

urbanfaerie · Feb 7, 2004

i'm supposed to be getting ready to go out. but as usual i'm having a hard time putting that 'everything is ok' mask on. :sigh:

cuz nothing's ok. nothing ever was ok. nothing ever will be ok.

i can eat normally, i can do away with the hurting myself scene, i can pretend i'm better. but inside i know i'll always be damaged goods.

my best friend, my only friend i really ever had, someone i could confide in, treats me like my father does.. and it hurts, cuz again this was a man i had trusted, and he took that trust, and has used it against me.

i feel... used and abused.

what made a perfectly good christian, turn on me like that? i just don't understand. i'll never understand, why it is this continueously happens to me. why do i attract slime? do i have a sign on my forhead that allows these ppl to friggin think they can run my life and walk all over me?

hurt me..cuz thats all i'm good for. i'm just a toy.

i'm just damaged goods, and thats all i'll ever be.

i have to see a cardiologist next week. my doctor suspects, when i was using ipecac and starving, that its ****ed up my heart. i'm eating normally now, and fattening up like a ****ing heifer, but that don't do a bit of good, i've already ruined my heart.. now its just worsening.

my scars. i havent self injured since christmas. which is really good for me. but my scars...they'll always be a reminder of how dirty and disgusting i am. i'll always have that visual reminder. ppl in my lab class have seen em. no-one asks, and i don't tell. but i'm sure i'm known as the freak. the retard.

one girl, who hates me, she's always making snide remarks. she came into class with a magazine, with my picture and had asked me if it was me. since then she's hated me. i have the lowest weight in the class, and its always fluctuating. ppl are starting to make jokes that i have a eating disorder. heh..if they only knew how right on they were. but this one girl, she really pounds it on me. if i come in class eating cake, she'll yell outloud better watch out, shawna's bout to run to the bathroom. *****.

i don't like to hate ppl..but she is really started to p.iss me off.

last week i stayed as far from the instructor as possible. but no matter how busy i'd act, or be, he'd make me someway or another come see him. i've given up. just let the ****er use me. i'm just a toy. time n time ppl have proven that to me again.

i've just had enuff.

it just seems this **** is never ending. i must deserve it, cuz it keeps happening. God don't love me, i'm unlovable.. thats why he allows it.

at nite when the rest of the world is sleeping, i sit down, and try to hold back tears..but i can't. they fall, like rain, every night.

i get to thinking why do i even bother trying to get better. my whole life i;ve done nothing but destroy myself. here i am 20 yrs later trying to put the pieces back together again. its just useless. why get better? whats the use..

why does God allow this? the answered why...
he hates me just as everyone else does.

i'll always be damaged goods.
put me out of my misery

Rosa Mystica · Feb 7, 2004

Oh Sweetie :hug:

,

I'm so, so sorry you feel this bad. I know what you mean by putting a mask on. I do it too. I'm really sorry to hear your friend has broken your trust. That's one of the worst things in the world, to have your trust broken. A couple of things:

1) Are you getting help for the eating disorder (I forgot what your post said about this)? If so, please consider it. This is a very serious matter.

2) You are NOT disgusting. I have a friend who has scars from self-injury. I don't think she is ugly-looking or disgusting. Just hurt, that's all. If the scars really distress you that much, you might want to look into getting surgery to reduce their appearance.

3) You want to know why God is doing this to you. He's not. Satan hurts people, not God. Unfortunately, some of the people you come into contact w/ sound like they take their cues from the Evil One.

I can't write more at the moment (pressed for time). I just wanted to give you some encouragement. PM me if you want. We can talk some more about this.

God Bless You!
Rosa

Tsaxgurl317 · Feb 7, 2004

sorry I have nothing to say. I suck with words. You know where to find me if you need me. :hug:

jarhar001 · Feb 7, 2004

I am sorry to hear about your pain. I will pray for you. Always remember that the devil is the author of negative thoughts. I would give some more advice, but I'm not in the best psychological state myself. Blessings and Love, Jarhar

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Feb 7, 2004

Urban, I understand. It hurts. I had a tough time when I was in high school and college, too.

It's true: abuse changes the way we perceive ourselves, and the way we perceive ourselves really makes a huge difference in the way we present ourselves, and people do pick up on it. But it also has a way of shaping the way we perceive *others*.

Here's what I did when I was a kid and had a couple of physical ailments at that time that the other kids didn't understand, and they made fun of me: I would look at them quietly, gently, and not say anything for a minute. Really let silence get their attention. And then I'd say very quietly, with compassion for them, "It's by the grace of God you're not the one who has to go through this. I'll pray for you, that you never have to. I wouldn't wish it on you."

And then I'd quietly look at them until they looked away. When I did this, I never had a repeat performance of the lashing out, which is usually a sign of insecurity on their part.

I know I've told you this before, but there are ways you can regain control, even though you don't feel like it right now, or see how. There will come a day when you will see yourself not as dirty or disgusting, but as broken. And when you find a way to have the same compassion for yourself as you have for others, you will be able to turn around and heal so many others who are suffering from this. And then the pain will either go away or be far less intense.

:hug:

urbanfaerie · Feb 7, 2004

thanks ya'll.

nothing really u can say. it won't fix anything. same **** diff day. i'm sorry for repeating same ole same ole, tho.

meh.. this should been in my journal. i think i meant for that, just a lil bit scatter brained. i'm sorry.

i better shut up 'fore i apologize again.

just sad..

Risen Tree · Feb 7, 2004

'Faerie, I disagree. I truly believe there is a beautiful and glorious You, locked up deep within yourself. She is there. And she is alive.

We will bring her out. Alive.

desi · Feb 7, 2004

Join the club, I'm damaged goods too. Most of us are and have problems. When you accept it and move on with your life you will grow as a person.

Risen Tree · Feb 7, 2004

desi said:
Join the club, I'm damaged goods too. Most of us are and have problems. When you accept it and move on with your life you will grow as a person.

desi...there's more to this story than you may be aware of. It just isn't as simple for urbanfaerie as just accepting things and rolling on.

desi · Feb 7, 2004

Rising Tree said:
desi...there's more to this story than you may be aware of. It just isn't as simple for urbanfaerie as just accepting things and rolling on.

Not accepting them and staying where she is is always an option too.

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Feb 7, 2004

Urban, you're right about this: no one can take any of this away...except for you. We can sympathize, and we can share our experiences, but you're right. No one can make this go away but you. The hard part is getting to the point where you can accept that and are ready for the journey back to recovery. Sure; it will be a lot of work, but nothing is as much work as bearing this load of depression.

I really wish you the best. When you're ready for the next step, holler. There are a lot of people who will help you with this process. But the only person who can actually change things will be you. And you can do it, regardless of how you feel or what you perceive about your situation. We're rooting for you.

Deamiter · Feb 8, 2004

The God I serve is the Lord of damaged goods. There is nothing I can EVER do to be good enough for God, and yet He loves me for some fool reason. I have cut myself, starved myself, debased myself, and even tried to kill myself... but He won't ****ing leave me alone. My God stalks damaged people. But He never pushes the relationship, and He NEVER asks something that is impossible. He'll leave you alone if you ask, but no matter how far I've thrown Him, He always answers on the first ring.

I really don't understand! My God is obsessed with me, He never forgets me, and He loves me enough to let me screw up my life in the promise that it only takes a choice to be His beloved servant and child. I've failed a test because I saw a scar on my arm, and couldn't read the questions for the next hour. I've screamed, cried, and sworn at my Lord. Somehow, though, all he does is hold me closer. My life is often less than worthless, but inexplicably my God gives me hope when I least want it.

I don't get it, but MY God deals in damaged goods. I guess he claims that He's making a profit 'cause of this Jesus guy, but no accountant I know would touch His books!

MeetJoeBlack · Feb 8, 2004

Stay Happy girl, and remember whenever you encounter any bad things from people that it is Sin inside them that is causing them to do those stuff. So Forgive them just as Our LORD forgives us, it'll make you feel better! Continue to pray hard and draw strength from Our LORD and Father GOD, pray with utmost faith and you will be blessed greatly!

I'd like to share Psalm 23 with you now, and as you reflect on it, let the Holy Spirit come inside of you and give you great strength!

---
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Psalm 23

cyberwing · Feb 8, 2004

Precious One,
Don't let this happen to you!! You are as Whitehorse has said, beautiful! Please go to my CF homepage and find the painting, "Through Whose Eyes". This is what you are doing dear one. You are looking at yourself through the evil whispered comments of the enemy!!! Jesus told us to above all GUARD OUR HEARTS!!! Don't listen to what the enemy has to say about you, it's all LIES! The devil is a liar and the father of lies!
Now, get your hands on this book. "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge It is the most awesome, eye-opening book I've read in a LONG time! It is setting me free! I am finally understanding all the rotten things that happened to me in my life and what the true intent behind these things really was! It will help you understand too UrbanFairie. You have a gifted and wonderous spirit within you that the enemy FEARS and he is bent on destroying you. This book will give you the tools to understand him and his devices and live in victory!!!
If you just need a shoulder sometime, I'm just a pm away precious one. :hug:

~Cyberwing

daughter of the king · Feb 8, 2004

A Daddys cry.

My Little Girl,
Why cant you see?
I want to carry you if only you let me,
I can help you but you have to let go.
Give it up girl, you cant bet this alone.

My Darling
Dont be mad at me, I havent left you.
You dont know how much it hurts me,
To see you like this.
Every tear you cry,
I cry too.
It breaks my heart, to see you dying inside.

My Daughter,
I want you to see,
I brought you your freedom, I paid a high price.
I hung on a tree, I did it for you.
But it was worth it,
And Id do it again if I knew it would set you free.

But My Princess,
The chains are unlocked,
Youre free, you just have to let go.
Dont be afraid,
Youre safe in your fathers arms.

My Beautiful Girl,
I know you mess up,
But Im still proud of you.
In my eyes youre the best.
No matter what you do,
I still love you and youll always be My Little Girl.

So my Baby,
Take my hand, hold it tight.
I wont let you down, although others might.
Everything will be OK,
You just have to trust me.
I havent given up on you, so dont you give up.
I love you forever My Girl,
Daddy

By Elizabeth Brunskill

urbanfaerie · Feb 8, 2004

the thing is, i am making big steps towards recovery. yet.. i still don;'t see anything gettin better, cept..its like i lost my only true friend (Ed) ..and he result is, losing earthly friends, and getting fat-ter i'm up to a 102 now

, and feeling vulnerable. etc etc etc. it just seems like i was better being sick, at least then things didn't hurt. i was comfortably numb.

i'm not numb anymore. i feel, and it sux.

i am moving forward, i have accepted my [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ty little life i just thnk it sux, and don't see the point of living it..sometimes.

letting go of the past...i don't think i can. i am bitter. i am angry, i am hurt.. and nothing i do in a positive way can take those feelings away..

but then negativity never did a **** bit of good either..just tucked it away for another day.

so here i am now, feeling incredibly lost, and abandoned by God.

pp can tell me, its me who abandoned God, or that he never left me to begin with, but i know differently, cuz its my life i'm living. i know what goes on, i know how unfair it is. and don't understand if God is how u all say he is, why he would let this happen, not only happen, but continue to happen. and that is why i start to lose faith.. tell me, please, WHY?

lemme quess u have no answer to that. **** happens, deal with it and move on. yea, thanx, i'm tryin, and failing miserably.

becase no matter what, nothing improves, it only worsenes.

i was 3 years old when all his began..are u telling me at three years old, i deserved this,that this was my punishment? what did i do, to get ths life?

20 years down the road of putting up with this ****, i've grown weary. and am so ready tthrow in the towel. its just never ending hurt, and there are times, i honestly don't think i can take anymore..yet it just piles on n on n on..

:sigh:

Dawn Marie · Feb 8, 2004

wvmtnkid · Feb 8, 2004

urbanfaerie. I am sad that you are feeling the way you are. And I wish I had an answer to your questions. I really do. The only answer I have is that life just isn't fair. It is never, ever gonna be fair on this earth. Why you are suffering so much just isn't fair. I totally agree. I don't know why you have to go through everything that you have. If I could make it stop for you, I would. In a heartbeat. But I also know that sometimes our sufferings make us stronger, they make us more compassionate toward others. We can identify with others in pain and can throw out a rope to help pull someone up that is drowning in life. We can say "I have been there, I know your pain, let me help." We know that telling someone to accept things and get on with your life sometimes isn't the right or best answer, because there are things that go far deeper than that person could ever imagine. We know because we have been there.

I have told you before that I think God has great plans for you. You have such a beautiful heart. Yes, it may be damaged, but sometimes damaged hearts are the most caring. Because they are damaged they feel more intensely than other hearts do. They feel what others can't. I have seen your heart. I have seen you reach out to others here on the forums. Sometimes our hearts have to be broken before they can do what they are meant to do.

And Whitehorse gave you a wonderful retort! I absolutely love what she said. You are a survivor. Don't you let anyone make you feel bad, Shawna. You hold your head high and you don't let them make you feel any less of a person. Because you aren't. I would most likely bet that the reason this girl is taunting you is because she is jealous of you. Whitehorse's response to give her back is a good one. Perhaps it will make her think just a bit about what she is saying.

:hug:

Rosa Mystica · Feb 8, 2004

wvmtnkid said:
:... sometimes damaged hearts are the most caring. Because they are damaged they feel more intensely than other hearts do. They feel what others can't.

Yes, I can attest to that. Some of the most insensitive people I know have never experienced a major life crisis. They don't know what real pain is.

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Feb 8, 2004

WV, thank you for your gracious words. :hug:

Urban, I know. I've been through a lot, too. I know how hard it is to deal with everything. But I will say this: even when it feels like God has abandoned you, please remember that how things feel and how things are can be two very different things.

Maybe it would help to think of it this way. After you've recovered, which would you rather: go through a painless life and be the person doing the hurting, or recover from your pain and be the one doing the healing?

I can tell you there's nothing rewarding or satisfying or purposeful about damaging someone who is suffering. But to struggle hard to recover from pain and use it to heal someone..well, these are the things people write books about. Who knows. Maybe it will be you writing that book.

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