reeann said:
Mine isn't too severe. I disassociate right now when things are being talked about that are painful. Sometimes I hear what is being said, but I have emotions or feelings whatsoever, like I'm looking on the outside of everyone. I mostly don't remember what was being said. I'm not sure if there is anything a person can do about this. A day at a time, trusting in God, and accepting and trusting that we will be perfect in heaven
This sounds like what my husband does now. Though, it's less and less often through the years.
Sometimes, like yesterday, he becomes very very unkind and angry....I always can tell when this 'part' of him is coming because he begins to slowly 'grow into it.' He speech becomes more and more degraded, like doom and gloom and nasty tongued. He then will kind of be that way for a few days or weeks and then he kind of has a 'peak' day of it. These peak days usually bring a sort of face-off between he and I. After that, the next day, he will calmly apologize for having ever acted that way or been that mean and he is very different again.
When we first got married, these 'bad spell' days out numbered the good ones 10 to 1. Now I would say that he has those days at a few every month...10 to 2 in favor of the good days. He slowly seems to be transforming into the more even tempered lovable guy.
He still disassociates VERY frequently though, in the more mild way that you describe. I have never heard it put the way you put it here, Reann. I think that describes it well. He used to be so bad when we first got married that he would fall asleep to escape, very suddenly, at any time of the day. This would mostly happen during conversations with emotional content. Conversations that caused him to think about his own behavior or mine or ANYBODY's emotional needs. He hasn't done that for a pretty long time,now. Years. He does 'look on the outside of people' like you say, often, still. It is the thing that so frustrates me and his kids. He doesn't experience the emotions that others experience. That, too, is improving, though. His memory is still very bad, though...always has been. He especially doesn't remember his words and actions when he is in the 'bad place guy.'
I always said he seemed to have a split personailty, especially when we first married, for about the first 6 years. WHOA! What a difficult ride! He was VERY UNCOOPERATIVE with therapies, so he went largely undiagnosed for MANY years before and after we married.
These days he is actually expressing connections and missing his son. Not when asked, but on his own initiative. That was unheard of in the past.
He is a strong person and I often marvel at his stubborn survival kind of ways. When others would surely fall, he stands. I really believe the Lord honors his prayers, and even seems to noticeably favor him more, sometimes. I think the Lord loves him a lot. Somehow, he always finds a sense of humor and a stupid story to tell. It makes him as charming as he is difficult. The Lord does seem to have gifted him with some qualities that carry him out above the stormline. It's the oddest thing. I have always admired him for being such a survivor.
Thanks for writing about your milder case. I have never heard anyone describe his current state better. It's such a blessing to read so many of the similar issues with others. It feels less alone and wierd, you know?
