The following is my testimony that I had to give last Friday night at a mother daughter banquet. I'm posting it here because I felt that God wanted me to, thinking it may help someone else, who may have been where I was...
My Testimony
I have had alot of good examples in my life. There are three of them here. My Grandma Allbaugh, my Grandma Wilson and my mother, Janet Jones. If I were to stand here and tell you about everything that each of them have done for me, taught me, and been good examples of for me, I would have been the speaker tonight. So I chose to tell you about my mom and myself . Grandma and Grandma, I love you both so much. Thankyou for all that you have given me over the last 29 years. And thankyou for loving me inspite of all of my mistakes. And to all of my sisters here, I love you all !
My mom. I have more admiration for her then any other person in this world. Through all of her trials and suffering she has not only taught me, but showed me to lean on Jesus for everything, no matter how big or small. And she has been the most awesome example of that.
Inspite of that, at 18 years of age, I moved out and moved on. I left my mom, and her house, and on some step, around some corner, I left God. It wasn't something that happened over night, it was something that happened so quietly, that I didn't even realize it was happening.Then it was done. I was gone. I had left his presence. I had quit leaning on Jesus .
I went 11 years that way. Making some HUGE mistakes and some very bad judgement calls. I have hurt my mom, my grandparents, set a poor example for my younger sisters(Jadi,Joni,Amanda and Lindi, I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you guys so much !) and my brother, and the worst part of all was that I had hurt my children. My beautiful babies that I would gladly give my life for. I couldn't understand how God could possibly forgive me after all of that was said and done.
Well, God did forgive me. Forgiving myself, was a whole other matter. I couldn't understand why I had 5 beautiful healthy children, when my brother had a baby with spina bifida. I couldn't understand why I had the most amazing new husband, my David, this big beautiful new house, new furniture, a new van...all of these things were mine and I knew I deserved it the least. Out of anybody I knew. I was miserable inside. Finally in a meeting with our new pastor, he said "Your right! You don't deserve it. None of us deserve anything that we have! But God gave it to you anyway.That's how much he loves you." I came home and I prayed for God to heal my heart , and that day, he did.
In Hosea 6:1 it says that God wounds us so we'll come to him to heal us. For some of us, this may be hard for us to comprehend or accept. I've learned that it simply meant that he loved me so much that he allowed painful, awful, circumstances, stemmed from my own choices to come into my life.He knew in the end, that it would draw me closer to him, into a deeper relationship then ever before.
I personally would never have chosen the ways God chose to bring me to that point of full surrender- but his ways were not my ways.
Isaiah 55:9 says, "As the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways." Basicly, he says " Deal with it! "
Now. Here I am. I'm forgiven and with his help, I've forgiven myself.Now,what about my children. How can I ever fix their lives, mend their hearts, heal their wounds? Last Sunday night, I had yet another episode with my ex-husband. After everyone had went to bed, I was sitting at the kitchen table and I got out my prayer journal and I started writting. The first paragraph said" God I am really struggling here right now. Why do I feel like it's too late to teach my kids about you? Your ways? Why do I feel like the damage that has been done in their little lives is irreversible? God I don't know what to do !!! To say !! I try so hard to keep the peace and all I ever get in return is hate, and nastiness. I can't ever find the words to say to them to make them see what I want them to see without making him look bad.(..I meant their dad) I want to explain things in a way that glorifies you !
If you can imagine this, I am sitting there, sobbing. Truly crying out to God with my words. Begging for peace and for answers. Even begging for Him to just return so that none of us, especially them would have to face any more confusion.
Two things happened within 24 hours.
First, immediately after I was done crying out to God, I opened my Bible and God literally gave me Psalm 27: 5 & 6 - For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high, above my enemies who surround me.
I went to bed after that with a peace knowing no matter what, He is on my side, and he will be with me every step of the way. And he will give the help and the answers and when needed the shelter I need from things Satan puts upon me, including people from my past life.
The next day I was told about the book" The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. I went and bought it. It has changed my life. I urge all of you to get it .
What God said so clearly to me, in the very first pages was this : You DO NOT have to be a perfect mommy, just a praying mommy. If you are not lifting your kids up to me every single day and every single aspect of their little lives up to me , you ARE leaving their lives to chance. I can do nothing.
There is such a thing as Inheritance of Family Bondage. In other words we reap what we sow. Our children reap what we sow. And their children. Proverbs 13:22 says- A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous. Unless ,we stop it. Prayer can stop anything. God can stop anything. In order for Him to stop it though, we have to ask it. And believe it. Matthew 21:22 says:" Whatever things you ask for in prayer,believing,YOU WILL receive" . I am praying every day for deliverance for my children from that bondage. And I have given them to Him. And I will continue to do so every day, all day, as long as I live. He has given me a promise and I will stand on it.
So, I'll say this in conclusion. Through my pain, my heartache and my tears, my loss of love and my loss of self worth. Through my mothers pain and her heartache and her tears and her prayers, all of her lost moments and lost hours of sleep , I heard Gods voice. He picked me up, brushed me off , wrapped his arms around me and my babies, and gave me a second chance. And I am learning to lean on Him more and more every day. To surrender my all, moment by moment, day by day. Learning to be emptied of self and filled with Him.Learning to be thankful for all that he has given me inspite of my sin. He is no longer just part of my life, something I knew something about. He IS my life. And I am choosing to live every day in HIS presence.
My Testimony
I have had alot of good examples in my life. There are three of them here. My Grandma Allbaugh, my Grandma Wilson and my mother, Janet Jones. If I were to stand here and tell you about everything that each of them have done for me, taught me, and been good examples of for me, I would have been the speaker tonight. So I chose to tell you about my mom and myself . Grandma and Grandma, I love you both so much. Thankyou for all that you have given me over the last 29 years. And thankyou for loving me inspite of all of my mistakes. And to all of my sisters here, I love you all !
My mom. I have more admiration for her then any other person in this world. Through all of her trials and suffering she has not only taught me, but showed me to lean on Jesus for everything, no matter how big or small. And she has been the most awesome example of that.
Inspite of that, at 18 years of age, I moved out and moved on. I left my mom, and her house, and on some step, around some corner, I left God. It wasn't something that happened over night, it was something that happened so quietly, that I didn't even realize it was happening.Then it was done. I was gone. I had left his presence. I had quit leaning on Jesus .
I went 11 years that way. Making some HUGE mistakes and some very bad judgement calls. I have hurt my mom, my grandparents, set a poor example for my younger sisters(Jadi,Joni,Amanda and Lindi, I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you guys so much !) and my brother, and the worst part of all was that I had hurt my children. My beautiful babies that I would gladly give my life for. I couldn't understand how God could possibly forgive me after all of that was said and done.
Well, God did forgive me. Forgiving myself, was a whole other matter. I couldn't understand why I had 5 beautiful healthy children, when my brother had a baby with spina bifida. I couldn't understand why I had the most amazing new husband, my David, this big beautiful new house, new furniture, a new van...all of these things were mine and I knew I deserved it the least. Out of anybody I knew. I was miserable inside. Finally in a meeting with our new pastor, he said "Your right! You don't deserve it. None of us deserve anything that we have! But God gave it to you anyway.That's how much he loves you." I came home and I prayed for God to heal my heart , and that day, he did.
In Hosea 6:1 it says that God wounds us so we'll come to him to heal us. For some of us, this may be hard for us to comprehend or accept. I've learned that it simply meant that he loved me so much that he allowed painful, awful, circumstances, stemmed from my own choices to come into my life.He knew in the end, that it would draw me closer to him, into a deeper relationship then ever before.
I personally would never have chosen the ways God chose to bring me to that point of full surrender- but his ways were not my ways.
Isaiah 55:9 says, "As the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways." Basicly, he says " Deal with it! "
Now. Here I am. I'm forgiven and with his help, I've forgiven myself.Now,what about my children. How can I ever fix their lives, mend their hearts, heal their wounds? Last Sunday night, I had yet another episode with my ex-husband. After everyone had went to bed, I was sitting at the kitchen table and I got out my prayer journal and I started writting. The first paragraph said" God I am really struggling here right now. Why do I feel like it's too late to teach my kids about you? Your ways? Why do I feel like the damage that has been done in their little lives is irreversible? God I don't know what to do !!! To say !! I try so hard to keep the peace and all I ever get in return is hate, and nastiness. I can't ever find the words to say to them to make them see what I want them to see without making him look bad.(..I meant their dad) I want to explain things in a way that glorifies you !
If you can imagine this, I am sitting there, sobbing. Truly crying out to God with my words. Begging for peace and for answers. Even begging for Him to just return so that none of us, especially them would have to face any more confusion.
Two things happened within 24 hours.
First, immediately after I was done crying out to God, I opened my Bible and God literally gave me Psalm 27: 5 & 6 - For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high, above my enemies who surround me.
I went to bed after that with a peace knowing no matter what, He is on my side, and he will be with me every step of the way. And he will give the help and the answers and when needed the shelter I need from things Satan puts upon me, including people from my past life.
The next day I was told about the book" The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. I went and bought it. It has changed my life. I urge all of you to get it .
What God said so clearly to me, in the very first pages was this : You DO NOT have to be a perfect mommy, just a praying mommy. If you are not lifting your kids up to me every single day and every single aspect of their little lives up to me , you ARE leaving their lives to chance. I can do nothing.
There is such a thing as Inheritance of Family Bondage. In other words we reap what we sow. Our children reap what we sow. And their children. Proverbs 13:22 says- A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous. Unless ,we stop it. Prayer can stop anything. God can stop anything. In order for Him to stop it though, we have to ask it. And believe it. Matthew 21:22 says:" Whatever things you ask for in prayer,believing,YOU WILL receive" . I am praying every day for deliverance for my children from that bondage. And I have given them to Him. And I will continue to do so every day, all day, as long as I live. He has given me a promise and I will stand on it.
So, I'll say this in conclusion. Through my pain, my heartache and my tears, my loss of love and my loss of self worth. Through my mothers pain and her heartache and her tears and her prayers, all of her lost moments and lost hours of sleep , I heard Gods voice. He picked me up, brushed me off , wrapped his arms around me and my babies, and gave me a second chance. And I am learning to lean on Him more and more every day. To surrender my all, moment by moment, day by day. Learning to be emptied of self and filled with Him.Learning to be thankful for all that he has given me inspite of my sin. He is no longer just part of my life, something I knew something about. He IS my life. And I am choosing to live every day in HIS presence.
that's so touching! Praise God for taking you back to the right track!
