13 years of questions answered

Serving4Christ

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I was married for 13 years. In the marriage stirred a quietness within my heart and soul wondering everytime I saw a happy couple, "What do they have that we don't? How do they feel when they hold hands, cuddle, and touch each other affectionately? What do they see in each other's eyes that allows them to overcome their differences?"

I felt like a starving child inside and lonely. My ex was my first love; first everything. My dating was VERY minimal prior to marriage. I have not officially started dating anyone now. I went out with a friend (K) the past 3 days. The first day we took a walk up to a water fall in the rain and thunderstorms, the second day we watched a movie, and the third day we spent looking at open houses' old victorian homes/lunch/fabric stores (for her mom).

What startles me the most is that the communication K an I had never came close to that of which my ex and I had. Second, when K touched me to wipe the rain from my head she did it affectionately, and it showed in her eyes. The looks she gives me feel genuine and free of alterior motives. It felt so different from what my ex and I had. Third, she conveyed her meanings completely and expressed her needs/desires. Fourth, she listened without being distracted by formulating a reponse in her head to counter what I was saying. I realize I'm a bit older now and able to pick up on these things, but I'm wondering why it was missing in my own marriage?

Do you think it could be my determination to not make the same mistakes again, or do you think it could have been incompatibility? :scratch:
 

E-beth

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I'd say it was probably both. :)

When I met and married my second husband, I was really thrown at first by the changes in affection. It was like I was starving and didn't even think I was hungry! I didn't realize the way my ex made me feel when he had me on the emotional roller coaster. I just...lived through it.

It sounds like you are starting your healing process. Just make sure you don't fall in love with the first girl to show you some affection. Take it very very slow so your emotionalism doesn't take over your rationalism.

It sounds like good things are happening....I am happy for you.
 
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hope4today

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Dan and E'beth, your stories give me hope. In 20 years of marriage I never really felt loved, cherished or valued. A long story there. ALthough it is VERY early days for me yet ( my husband only left 10 weeks ago but is gone permanently) I hope that one day (in the future) I will know what it feels like to have a man really love me. To have someone who will want to hold my hand, who will want to touch me, who wants to be near me and spend time with me and who thinks I am beautiful ( at least in their eyes). I don't want any kind of relationship with anyone at the moment (which is right) but I still am aware that there is hope for a meaningful relationship in the future when God has healed those things which need healing in me.
Thankyou for sharing your stories. I hope Dan, that I too will learn from past mistakes and be wiser if there is a next time.

Hope
 
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Serving4Christ

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hope4today said:
Dan and E'beth, your stories give me hope. In 20 years of marriage I never really felt loved, cherished or valued. A long story there. ALthough it is VERY early days for me yet ( my husband only left 10 weeks ago but is gone permanently) I hope that one day (in the future) I will know what it feels like to have a man really love me. To have someone who will want to hold my hand, who will want to touch me, who wants to be near me and spend time with me and who thinks I am beautiful ( at least in their eyes). I don't want any kind of relationship with anyone at the moment (which is right) but I still am aware that there is hope for a meaningful relationship in the future when God has healed those things which need healing in me.
Thankyou for sharing your stories. I hope Dan, that I too will learn from past mistakes and be wiser if there is a next time.

Hope

This past year has been an obstacle to say the least. I was jailed without cause. I had to place my son who was choked by his mom back in her house while they took me to jail for her ACCUSATIONS. All dismissed by the District Attorney. I've had to file bancruptcy. I had a cardiac ablation to fix some arrhythmias. I still have neurocardiogenic syncope, meaning I pass out at no moments notice and my pulse and pressure drop. I have full custody of 3 kids ages 10, 5, and 2. I work full time in the Air Force. I take the kids to 2 visitiations for 1 hour per week and a parent nurture class she's required to take.

Obviously I don't have a whole lot of time to myself and outside of work, my adult companionship meter reading is low. With all that being said, God is Great! He is Faithful. His timing is not our timing. I do believe He nurtures us to the point He wants us and then He watches us grow.

I've had many down points in life and now, life looks so good and refreshing. I too sat in your shoes and wondered if and when it would ever happen to me.

Rest easy, the Lord is with you.
 
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lourie

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thank you for putting my feelings into words for me. I have been posting in the Marriage form but i think i should probable be in here.

I am still married but i am feeling the same things you did. I look at other people and I just dont understad them. why would they want to hold hands?? see how they smile at each other... why do they do these things?? straving is a good word for the way i am feeling!! I had an affair trying to understand this stuff and foud out that i loved the way it felt to be in love of course these things never work out and it broke my heart to go back to feeling nothing again. I think it was not so much that i was in love with him as it was that i could love that way.
 
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mlukas

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Serving4Christ said:
I was married for 13 years. In the marriage stirred a quietness within my heart and soul wondering everytime I saw a happy couple, "What do they have that we don't? How do they feel when they hold hands, cuddle, and touch each other affectionately? What do they see in each other's eyes that allows them to overcome their differences?"

I felt like a starving child inside and lonely. My ex was my first love; first everything. My dating was VERY minimal prior to marriage. I have not officially started dating anyone now. I went out with a friend (K) the past 3 days. The first day we took a walk up to a water fall in the rain and thunderstorms, the second day we watched a movie, and the third day we spent looking at open houses' old victorian homes/lunch/fabric stores (for her mom).

What startles me the most is that the communication K an I had never came close to that of which my ex and I had. Second, when K touched me to wipe the rain from my head she did it affectionately, and it showed in her eyes. The looks she gives me feel genuine and free of alterior motives. It felt so different from what my ex and I had. Third, she conveyed her meanings completely and expressed her needs/desires. Fourth, she listened without being distracted by formulating a reponse in her head to counter what I was saying. I realize I'm a bit older now and able to pick up on these things, but I'm wondering why it was missing in my own marriage?

Do you think it could be my determination to not make the same mistakes again, or do you think it could have been incompatibility? :scratch:

WOW! Does your story sound familair! I had the same experience in my 1st marrige. Not a whole lot of affection, and the wondering..
Now, I've been dating a wonderful woman for over 2 years and see the same things in her that you described in K...
I think, for me, it was incompatability from day 1 that I just chose to ignore. Especially in the affection area, I'm very affectionate by nature and my ex really wasn't at all..I didn't realize how huge of a problem this would later end up being...
Anyway, I think experience plays into it too! You , probably like me, knew after the divorce aht you DIDN'T want and what to look for in what you did!
Sounds like a great girl so far, best of luck!
 
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Serving4Christ

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To those who've responded. Thank you. These past few weeks have just been INCREDIBLE. I have heard a thousand times about rebound relationships etc... I know for close to 14 years I haven't felt this way EVER!

I have THE BEST comunication I've had. We share everything together. We talk about our differences; we talk about our dreams. When she looks me in the eyes, she speaks a million words.

When we're together, it's like time is rushing by and there can't seem to be enough time in the day. I dread bedtime because I know another day will soon pass by.

That's a stark contrast between how I felt before...I hoped my day would end in a quick death. Sad to say, but true.

I don't know what true love is with another woman, but I do know what love is with my Savior. I'm interested in learning more about what true love is with your partner.

Anyway, thanks again for those who've responded and followed me through these horrid times with the divorce, custody battles, and life struggles in general. My sincere thank you and hugs!
 
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