Endless misery

angelgabriel · May 6, 2002

Dear Christians, I'm currently living with a pain that is very unbearable. I need advice on a few things. I hope anyone can help. I'm at the point where I'll try anything.

I was baptized in the name of Jesus Christ about 5 years ago, at the age of 20. Everything was going great. I had just gotten married and my wife later gave birth to my first of two sons. After the 3rd year I began to backslide. I began spending too much time away from home. I became consumed by my studies and full-time work. At this time, I stopped going to church. I lost track of the important things in life.

During the 4th year, my wife gave birth to second son. The birth of my second child seemed to make our marriage a bit better for the time being.

Then came the 5th year. I wrapped up my final semester at the university but my marriage was falling to pieces. I began drinking and one day I came home and told my wife that I wanted a separation.

After we separated we never got back together again because of my selfishness. I began dating an ex-girlfriend from out of state and became consumed by her.

To make a long story short. Things didn't work out between the ex-girlfriend and my wife and I got divorced.

One year passed, and I began to feel guilt, pain, and misery inside of me. I hate myself for not attempting to make my marriage work. I hate myself for hurting my ex-wife, a woman who I've now learned, I'm IN LOVE WITH. I hate myself for breaking up my family unit. My kids deserve better than this. I feel like I've failed them.

I've been going to church 3 days a week for the past 2 months and I've been getting close to God. God is working inside of me to make me a better person but the pain of my past mistakes continually haunts me. To top it off, I now have no drive to begin attending law school as I had originally planned before this whole mess occurred.

I now want to correct my past mistakes and become a man of God. I want to become the best father in the world, the best son, a best friend to the world. I have so much love to give but my pain hinders me from proceeding with it.

I ask you my Christan brothers and sisters, to assist me with any advice that you all may have.

How do I cope with this pain?

Will God ever grant me the opportunity to correct things with my ex-wife and get back together with her?

Should I listen to that little voice inside of me that tells me to follow a certain dream that I've always had rather than go to law school?

Thank you all for listening. God bless you all.

OldBadfish · May 6, 2002

Welcome to CF angelgabriel!!

I am sorry you are hurting!
I think you should choose a career/education option that will best benefit your children. Is your ex willing to talk about your relationship? Is there a chance of reconciliation? Keep praying and going to church, and even when things don't look too bright remember to smile and just praise Jesus!
There is always time to pray, just make sure you genuinely praise the almighty Christ!!!(he likes this!).

I am praying for you gabriel(if I may call you that). :pray:

angelgabriel · May 6, 2002

Originally posted by Badfish
Welcome to CF angelgabriel!!

I am sorry you are hurting!
I think you should choose a career/education option that will best benefit your children. Is your ex willing to talk about your relationship? Is there a chance of reconciliation? Keep praying and going to church, and even when things don't look too bright remember to smile and just praise Jesus!
There is always time to pray, just make sure you genuinely praise the almighty Christ!!!(he likes this!).

I am praying for you gabriel(if I may call you that).

Thank you Badfish. I really appreciate that.

I am genuinely praising the Lord, w/o a doubt. With this pain there is no other way to go about it.

To answer your questions, she tried to reconcile with me twice after we separated but I wanted no part of it because I thought I didn't love her. One year passed and I figured things about but it seems it's too late.

We hang out together with the kids once in awhile. It's gotten better now. She sees that I'm changing daily. Trying to reconcile is something she doesn't like to talk about. She always throws a few things in my face, like the fact that a year ago I hurt her by telling her I didn't love her and I wanted a divorce.

Well now I've realized that I am in love with her and I want my family back but she doesn't want to think about that right now. She wants to take it one day at a time but she often "purposely" says things to hurt me and get back at me for being the bad person I was in the past.

I pray to God that he touches her heart. I have so much love for her and the world. It's so hard to express it to her though when she acts as If I'm the worst human being on Earth. Help.

amie · May 6, 2002

hi angelgabriel,
so...you messed up, hey who hasn't?...I want you to know that as a female, i believe by reading what info you have given, I think she is still in love with you, but still deeply hurt (if she was not in love with you she would not even care enough to try to hurt you with harsh words) and the fact that you have children bonds you together for life. I want you to know that I am praying for you on this one my friend, I don't like to hear about your hurt, if I could somehow take your pain away and put it inside of me then I would but unfortunately, this is your experience that you must endure. This pain that you are going through right now is a very valuable growing pain for you spiritually and emotionally...even the greatest of pains will subside with time and you have learned a lesson from all of this...you learned what is important! and you learned to love, with your whole heart! so you are getting there my friend, just take it one day at a time. Don't rush her, give her some space, she is still feeling gun shy and recovering from the emotional scars from your breakup. I will pray for her that she will see all of the good in you and that her heart may grow softer with each word that you speak to her. I pray for you angelgabriel that you may continue on with your walk with the Lord...and I will be right beside you praying always!...you posed the Question what do you do? thats an easy one my friend, you follow your heart and you follow your dreams! Reach for the moon, even if you miss you will still land among the stars...best of luck to you with love and blessings!
Amie :angel:

a big hug of moral support :hug:

Redeemed1 · May 6, 2002

Hi Gabriel. I am sorry that you are going through this. But I am also glad that you have come back into fellowship with God. My advice would be for you focus yourself as much as possible on allowing God to grow you up in Him. The fact that you have so much self-hatred is an indication that there is much healing in you that needs to be done before you can attempt a relationship with someone else, such as your ex-wife. She is very hurt, which is why she lashes out at you. She will need time to heal as well. Two people who have undergone God's inner healing have a much better chance at a healthy relationship than two people who are still hurting and still carrying so much baggage...all IMO.

I pray God's grace, mercy, and healing for both of you.

forjesus · May 6, 2002

Healing takes time, it sounds like you are going in the right direction. Make things right between you and God first, then show your ex-wife how you feel about her. Don't just use words to show her, but actions. You owe alot to your children also, show them how you Love, and will always be there for them. Remember always put God first, then family, work and all the things of this world are not important. I pray that you can work all this out, for you and your family. God Bless, and keep you I pray.

jtcoop · May 6, 2002

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therfore will I glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therfore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches,in necessities,in persecution,in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.

angelgabriel, As I read your story I could not help but think of the apostle Paul and the throrn in his side. What a fine example of a Christian. Sounds like you two have a lot in common. Makes me wonder what plans God has laid out for you. Have FAITH or Forsaking All I Trust Him. You and your family will be in my prayers. May you continue to grow daily in your walk with Christ Jesus.

Almost forgot don't stop praying there is where you hear God's will for you.

angelgabriel · May 6, 2002

I thank you all for your kind words. I will respond to each of you individually tonight. I'm currently at work right now. God bless you all.

angelgabriel · May 7, 2002

Amie, redeemed1, forjesus, jtcoop, and the rest of you that responded before, you are all in my prayers from here on out. Thank you so much for the kind words.

It's so hard dealing with the pain but I know I'll get through it somehow. But something tells me the worst is yet to come. Maybe I'll find out that she already found someone else? I don't know. I hate thinking about that. It tears me to pieces.

Today I went to prayer with my mother. She and I met at the church and it helped me a bit. I went to the gym late at night as usual and that also helped keep my mind off of things.

Now I'm here, feeling lonely as ever. I really feel that my ex-wife hates my guts. I can't blame her for the bad person I was in the past.

All I can do is allow the Lord to keep transforming me so I can become a better all around person. I have so much love in me? Why can't she see it now Lord?

StogusMaximus · May 7, 2002

Praying.

amie · May 7, 2002

Hi angelgabriel,
you are walking along a rough path in life right now, so I am here and I am going to walk along with you for a bit...
I wish I could offer enlightening words to change your life, but will you settle for a shoulder to cry on and an infinite amount of prayers? I know that you are filled with love and at times it seems almost unbearable that you are unable to share that love with her and express it how you would like to. She is hurt and when we are hurt, humans have an innate need to strike back, to give out defenses...so it is only reasonable that she would do this. this is the time my friend when your patience will be tested. I had a friend in the EXACT situation once and he was left so frustrated at trying to win her back that he would say things to her like "get over it already" or "how many times do I have to apologize"...the wrong approach, so I want you to learn from his mistakes...have you recently tried to tell her that you would like to go into counseling with her, to make things right? have you tried to tell her that you would like a new beginning with her? I know how much you love her, it is evident in your writing. I wish I could somehow take away your broken heart, heal it, then give it back...I am praying for you my friend. I am praying that she may see all of the good within you. You are human and entitled to make your share of mistakes, and I know that you are taking a walk with the Lord, asking for forgiveness from God and your love are the 2 most commendable things you can do right now. Admitting to your mistakes shows you have grown from this emotionally and spiritually. You will get there angelgabriel. It will not be easy, it will be difficult and painful. There will be days to come when you feel so depressed that you might not even want to get out of bed. There may be days where you are driving on autopilot all day. not ever remembering how you got from point A to point B. There will be days where you will think of nothing other than her and on those days you will cry from feeling such anguish. But you know what, IT WILL SUBSIDE! I can tell you that much. Trust me on this my friend, call on him, our God...call on him, your name sake, Gabriel, the angel in heaven, he is the healer angel, he will help you. You are not alone in this world. You are loved more than you can ever realize and you are more important than you could possibly dream. Rely on the kindness of family, friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to help you through this. Follow you heart, follow your dreams, and you can't go wrong. Spend much time in prayer and I will also for you and there will be at least 2 of us kneeling before God asking for his help. He will give it. The best thing I can say about your dear love, is to be patient with her. Don't tell her the things you want to say right now, tell her the things she needs to hear. and also remember this my friend, while all of us want to live on top of a mountain, all of the beauty and growth occur while climbing it. We will help you through this. I am always here, I log on once a day and you can pm me anytime. I will help you the best that I can angelgabriel. I am praying for you with everything that I have and although I think you may be right in your statement "there is more to come" I know that you have the strength within you to get through this. I am here and if you stumble I will help to pick you up with comforting words and all of the prayers in the world. Don't stop telling her you love her. She is hurt, tell her you love her. She yells, you tell her you love her. She cries, you tell her you love her. she says harsh, hurtful words, you take a deep breath and you tell her you love her. Fight for her, she is the mother of your children and she is worth fighting for. Never stop loving with your whole being. Never. Never give up hope. Never. For without hope, we would not have faith, and without faith we would have nothing.
God Bless you my friend with love and prayers...
Amie :angel:

P.S. He will never give you something you can not handle, this too shall pass. I am praying for and with you always!
Take care of you and here is a hug :hug:

you look like you need it...blessings to you!

OldBadfish · May 7, 2002

WOW! good post amie!

gabriel, I am still praying for you my friend!!

newworldcrusader · May 7, 2002

Pray Pray Pray! Pray for her You Your sons and Who ever else is involved. Ask God for forgivness and talk to you ex. Remember I am praying for you and God will take care of this if you let him give it up to him! Praying :pray:

1angel · May 7, 2002

wow is right amie. incredibly inspiring. I am praying too.

amie · May 7, 2002

Thanks for the sentiments friends! angelgabriel...we love you! God Bless you always! I came on this thread to see if there were any updates...it will take time and in between, you have our prayers.
Amie :angel:

solo66 man · May 7, 2002

Excellent Amie. That is a succinct response. Yes, pray and pray some more for guidance in all things, including your relationship, you career path, any and all dreams you have the good fortune to possess. In all things ask his will and you will find yourself surprised at times.
Just be thankful for what you have and keep moving forward
in Christ. Let Christ do His work in and through you, let the Holy Spirit have His way with your life. As the Book says, "Become a living sacrifice." He will give you His will in all things and if your exwife is meant to come back, after you pray for her emotional and spiritual healing, she will. God is not complicated, He just wants you to do what He wills. As you know, you already stepped out of His will once, and He has you back. That is His doing. Lean on him, He is your support.
God Bless you and guide you. He will give you peace, just ask him in Jesus name and praise Him.

angelgabriel · May 7, 2002

Thank you all once again. I cannot thank you enough.

As amie predicted, the pain grew worse. I'm going through some very difficult times. I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I keep crying out to God to help me.

I just saw my children an hour ago and I feel apart when I left them. I'm hurting so much!!!!!!!!!

I pray the lord to completely transform me and help me to leave the world ways. I don't want to drink anymore. I tried that for months and the pain never subsided.

Oh lord! Help me!!!!!! angelgabriel

amie · May 7, 2002

Hi angelgabriel,
it will ALWAYS get worse before it gets better my friend! ALWAYS! you are right on target psychologically for everything that has happened to you. You are responding just as any human being would, but what is better is that you have the capability to talk about it. Am I making you feel any better right now? of course not, because right now your pain is to great to feel the lighthearted sentiments, but your brain is absorbing the information and it will be stored in your memory bank for later use

Each and every one of us has gone through a depression at one time or another, we all have been there, and a major heartache can cause anyone to feel the way you do. You need to cry, you need to get that out. Do not internalize, it will not be condusive to your healing, it is good to cry. It is good to feel what you do instead of trying to mask the feelings (by means of alcohol and drugs) you love her and you love your children. We will ask God for help and he will deliver. I am praying for and with you. Many a great man have suffered pain like this, and somehow when it happens to us, we feel so alone and isolated. Let me tell you this, I have posted this before, but this is just an example for you on how even the greatest of men have suffered through heartache and with the help of friends and prayers, we can get through anything...here is something for you...
There was once a 32 year old man who was extremely depressed and agitated. He had all the risk factors for suicide. He had depressive episodes in the past, had a history of child abuse, had been turned down for marriage by his fiancee, and had all kinds of pressures. this mans friends provided intense support for him during this time. They moved in with him and stayed with him for a week, offering love, comforting words, and an endless supply of prayers. He recovered and later became our sixteenth president. Who's to say where our nation would be now had Abraham Lincoln not survived...
We will get you through this. It is often during our darkest times that we feel so alone, we feel so much pain, and through our tears we see no one...but you know what? the reason we don't "see" him is bacause this is the time that he is holding us so close we are enveloped within him. He hears you, he inspires me to talk to you, and He loves you more than you'll ever know...God Bless you
your friend :hug:

Amie

amie · May 8, 2002

Hi angelgabriel,
how are you feeling today?....still praying as always! and a great big hug to you too :hug:

Amie

amie · May 8, 2002

angelgabriel,
I forgot to say...right now there will be no such thing as a good day...they will all be awful and far too long, you may even find yourself coping (which most people do) by treasuring the moments when you are sleeping, just because it was in your sleep that you were able to take a break from it all. Although these days will be darkened by heartche, you may have moments, just occasionally as you heal where you will have a few fleeting moments where you think of something else other than this...cherish those and they will become more frequent. Praying for you always.
Amie :hug:

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