The proposal that never happened...

Does she have an engagement ring? Maybe go ahead and surprise her by asking her to marry you again in the manner that you had originally planned. Tell her you felt bad and wanted to get it right now. Has she ever mentioned anything about how she always dreamt about being proposed to? Just my 2 cents.

Could you renew your vows with her? You could propose (with or without a ring) and wisk her off to somehwhere that your friends and family could be waiting to watch you renew your vows.

So what! I know a couple that renews their vows every year! They do it in a fun new place! Maybe there is something that you have learned from marriage that you could vow to her (even something silly!) that you would have never thoguht of before you married. Renewing vows can be special, it doesn't just have to be because they are tarnished!

Do you want something private or public?

You could have a dinner party with family and friends over on your anniversary and surprise her with a solilique of your eternal love and a proper request of her hand in marriage.

You could do the same thing with just the 2 of you, but I would definately write out something that mentions all her best qualities.

Redguard said:

I like this idea. I'd probably go for something private. (God programmed me with a Shyness subroutine)

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Heh, the very reason that you are shy is why I would say do something public. Chances are she knows you are shy, so the knowledge that you would forsake your own comfort zone for her would probably carry a lot of weight.

I don't know how elaborate you are thinking of going but...don't laugh, here's my suggestion:

Rent a billboard on a busy street that you and she will have reason to pass right around your anniversary. Have it say something to the effect of "after the years together, I'd ask you to marry me all over again. <her name here> Will you marry me again?

I was never proposed to either. As soon as my husband told me he loved me after we'd been dating a while, he started talking about "someday" marrying me. Then after he finished his PhD, he told me that the time was right for us to marry and I should start making plans, such as booking the church and everything. I never even got an engagement ring. Part of the problem is that he is from another culture and just didn't see the point in proposing. His mother even told him a ring and a proposal is only for people who are planning to wait years before getting married.

I do feel that I've missed out, although I never bring it up to him. I personally would love to have my husband take me somewhere public and propose to me, as if we were still single. That would thrill me like nothing else! Don't think it will happen though.

If you choose to belatedly propose to your wife, just explain that you wanted to give her that experience, because you love her and want to bless her with every good thing she deserves.

murron said:

Heh, the very reason that you are shy is why I would say do something public. Chances are she knows you are shy, so the knowledge that you would forsake your own comfort zone for her would probably carry a lot of weight.

I don't know how elaborate you are thinking of going but...don't laugh, here's my suggestion:

Rent a billboard on a busy street that you and she will have reason to pass right around your anniversary. Have it say something to the effect of "after the years together, I'd ask you to marry me all over again. <her name here> Will you marry me again?

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I agree with murron, if you do something public she'll see that you're making an extra sacrifice for her. The most important thing is for both of you to stop looking back to and bringing up the past, and focus on the present and future as well as building your relationship together within the love of Christ. The billboard idea is great; I bet if you do that, many other couples who see it will be compelled/moved by it to also strengthen their own vows!

However you choose to do this, be it public or privately (although I do agree that doing it publically will carry a lot of weight with it)....you need to put into your own words (and have it really come from your heart) how much you love her, what having her in your life means to you, and that though you didn't quite get to do it the way you'd planned it years ago (when you didn't get to formally propose)...that you're doing it now. It doesn't necessarily have to be a formal "renewal" of your vows...but more of something like "I have wanted to do this for so long...and you deserve to know just how much you mean to me." That kind of thing...

Even if you just surprised her by coming home early from work one day with a dozen roses and got down on your knee and proposed in a way that said "And I would do it all over again (marrying her)....because I love you." Even that would probably make her millenium!

Whatever you choose to do, just let it come from your heart. And hey, if you think she'll somehow "ruin the surprise" again...enlist the help of your family, friends or co-workers to ensure that she'll be kept otherwise sidetracked until you get there.

Just my thoughts...

Definitely do real proposal. This time make it a surprise. Fancy dinner, romantic lighting, maybe find a great spot in a beautiful setting (think garden with a gazebo, hillside with a city view, waterfall... I don't know what's around you so I'm trying to give a range of locations). Do the whole get down and one knee thing and maybe even pretend to let your hands shake a bit when you're asking her. She wants the big deal. Just do the big deal. Even if it costs you a chunk of change. If she doesn't feel miserable about and you don't feel guilty, it will be well worth it. And I'll be you'll get some sex too! (tease, tease)

i am completely w/girlie girl on this one... i am sure you know already what she would have wanted as a proposal... and if you don't, pump her.. and do what she wanted, AND what you had always envisioned doing...

don't say "again"... i recommend that you do this whole proposal in a way that she can quote word for word to her friends, and they never know that there are children, or that you had been married for 2 years, or ANY of that... show her none of the basic argument of "you never proposed" in your request...
and if it means an airplane going by, and putting it in clouds, or if it means a billboard at a baseball game, or a sign hanging off a bridge by 2 of your friends while you row her underneath it, then do that... AND, you can take it step further, and when she says "yes".. you can have a HUGELY ROMANTIC WEDDING. her and your most intimate friends and/or sisters will be at a designated place, where when she says yes, you can drive or row, or walk, or ride in the carriage and be let off , and there will be the minister waiting to marry you where her closest female friends will be standing there w/flowers and her favorite color on... have it arranged so that when you and she say "i do" they throw rose petals at her...

again, don't put "will you marry me again," or any of that.. just put will you marry me..

2 of my favorite people are a couple that had a shotgun wedding. (she miscarried one month after that wedding but they stayed married) and they had been married 25 years, when in front of 400 people he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him.. the thing is, it didn't bother her, all those years.. she knew he loved her. he protected her, took care of her, was a big brute of a man w/very gentle hands for her, for years.. he watched her across the room, even after 25 years, w/huge puppy dog eyes... but it bothered him.. he wanted her to have a "dream".. he wanted to be prince charming to her snow white, cinderella, ideas.. and finally he got the idea to give her a very very public proposal, and a hugely elaborate wedding... and he had been saving up for years for this big event.. it was truly nice, and romantic and BIG... no, i am not saying yours should be as big.

i am saying that murron is right... if you are shy, then make this a loud, outgoing, totally out of yourself no holds barred type of proposal. and never let the public know in the way it is asked, that she is already married to you..

another friend of mine took one of my old roommates to a medieval knights dinner theme, and they pulled her out to the middle, and dressed her up like a lady/princess, and he was in a "joust" or some such type ordeal where he had to fight for her hand to win her favour... the thing is, he had set it up like that movie "the cable guy"... the girl was actually scared, because the actor he had hired came in, lured her out of the audience, and once she was on the dirt he started acting like some villain..then her boyfriend comes out, and says "i will save you!!" and she started crying and telling him no no no, you'll get killed, don't do it" cuz' she thought this stranger was gonna kill her boyfriend... the crowd knew it was a joke, but evidently somethings the actor had said and did under his breath scared the daylights out of her... so when she was screaming during the whole thing, the crowd loved it!! they thought she was part of the act, which she was, but she didn't know it!

and in the end the preacher, dressed like a monk, came out and wed them, and her best friends and 1 of her sisters came out of the audience, dressed in medieval clothing, & to this day my ex-roomie's husband says he had the wedding right there in case she changed her mind... and she is one of those individuals where she has never shown any regrets... you have to hear her tell the story... she tells it fantastic... Lol!!

i can tell you i was in hysterics--i was really sore for days, i laughed so hard, j--and i kind of felt bad about it, because she had been so scared--but i felt really happy about it, because she had been complaining for months about him not proposing to her, and she was getting really grouchy about it...
--but i know i have digressed... from your previous posts you don't seem to have the medieval knights type of personality there... but then again,

if you knew this guy, you would never ever believe that he was out of himself enough to have done this.. you would never envision it...



make it absolutely, heartfeltedly romantic.

I was never proposed to either. My husband was so nervous, he just handed me the ring and waited for my response.

I'm with everyone else. Propose to her to renew your wedding vows.

Redguard said:

I want, more than anything, to "make up" for this. I'm just having trouble figuring out a fool-proof way of doing this. I think the only thing that can really match a proposal that never happened is a new proposal. But how do I do that and justify the reasoning?

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How about a vow renewal? Though I really think that your DW should forgive you and just let it go. She needs to pick her battles more carefully.

I would really encourage you to take her to Walt Disney World-you can easily surprise her with a vow renewal ceremony! The World is not just for kids. It can be a great place for adults with romance on their minds too! They do vow renalws, wedding propasals, wedding, etc. really well, just read the book below for more inof on just how romantic the World can be!

Walt Disney World for Couples, 5th Edition : Including Disney Cruise Line and Universal Orlando (Walt Disney World for Couples) by Rick and Gayle Perlmutter

Diane

I wonder if the proposal's the real issue?

Redguard, keep in mind I don't know you or your wife, so take what I say with a grain of salt... it could be way off-track.

Does she feel romanticised? Candle-light dinners, poetry hidden in her purse, roses sent to her work (which could be your home, of course!), being whisked away for a romantic weekend, rose petals on the bed, etc? Maybe she's focusing on the proposal because that's the one romantic thing that most women feel entitled to from their husband, even if he's never romantic again.

(I do like the suggestions re: renewal of vows, though )

I agree ... maybe she's bugged by something more subtle and it's just coming out this way.

Lots of people don't get proposals "properly" and I totally think she needs to let this go, if indeed her missing out is the real and actual problem. Ya, okay, there are ways to try to recreate it but there is only one authentic event and it seems to me that she is the one who spoilt it not you.

You read the Five Love Languages yet? Might be a good place to start with.

I feel terrible, there isn't a day that I don't think about it, or regret it. I feel bad when she feels compelled to make up a story whenever some girl comes by and asks, "So how did he propose to you?!?!"

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I see something very wrong with this picture. First, you are beaten up about it on a daily basis (by yourself but sometimes by her). Second, she needs to lie about it to other people? What the heck?

I know you feel like it's your job to fix this, but honestly I really believe the issue is entirely in her court. She's got to choose to either believe you when you say you loved her then and still do, or to be stubborn about it and continue to use it against you. Honestly I really feel she is sinning against you to keep this unforgiven.

As was said, IF that is the real issue.