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Why can't I really get friends?

KGirl

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Ok, I'm not gonna stop following God, but I'm really frusterated at Him. I got that off my chest, though the actual subject isn't really about that.

They say "To get a friend you must be a friend." That is only true to an extent. I recently moved here and met some nice girls from church. I get along with them great and we all exchanged numbers. They all claim they're so "busy" and don't have time to hang out or talk on the phone much other then church. Then WHY are they so PERFECTLY able to answer the phone and talk for a while?! I have to call them and they can talk then, but why is it so hard for them to call me?

I also don't just want that. I want a friend/friends that I can hang out with other then just church. It's not working that way.

Also, I don't go to school. I just got a job at Burger King that I start Tuesday, so I'm hoping maybe I can make friends there or something..

I know these girls like to talk to me, and they'd say occasionally "Thanks for calling." and "I'm here for you whenever you need me."

Also, the longer I go alone, the less I have social skills. It usually is hard for me to get adjusted to new places and people. I just want a couple of good friends or so that I can hang out with.

The pastor I saw last Sunday said how we have feelings/longings in us of how our lives should be, which would probably be more like how we should try to achieve being. The devil wants us to believe that we should lower our standards and not believe that things in our lives could be better. He used examples of someone who thinks we should be poor. He said that no one should feel like they should be poor.
Well, I feel like I should have friends just like everyone else. I'm sick of being lonely. The only people I've talked to here other then church are my parents, and a long-distance boyfriend who is going to go to the military next month or so. What if HE leaves, and I have no one to really talk to except my parents?

Am I doing something wrong? I've been praying for at least ONE friend.. That hasn't even happend.
Am I being ungreatful? Do you think God's plan was to give me the friends at church but not be able to hang out with them during the week, and not have them call me? I don't get it. I'm getting depressed and I feel like crying again..
 
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Hopeful

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aww, sorry but maybe they are truly busy, join a volunteer centre or something, so at least you dont have to be alone, but i have these freinds too, and anytime we have to do group workk, they choose other people, i mean i know i am not that dumb, but i dont know why. they are still my friends though, :hug:
 
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KGirl

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I have good news.. My mother was in the room when I vented to her about the girls not calling me and me not having a friend. She said that my uncle knows of this girl my age who needs a friend too that goes to his church, and he's pretty close by. :) So I'm hopeful.

And thanks for the reply. :hug:
 
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Deamiter

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I don't have much advice on how to get friends to call you, but I can tell you with certainty that you're not alone. I'm much the same way, with some good friends who are always 'there for me' but I can go MONTHS without receiving a call on my cell phone (I've actually been keeping track for a while). I'm attending a small Christian university, and there are people all around me who know about my struggles, and STILL I get no phone calls - even when I've been really bad and shut myself in my room for days! It would be easier for me to actually meet my friends in person, as obviously we're at the same school, but often with depression comes a feeling that makes me want to hide everything, so it doesn't always work that way.

Anyway, the only solution I see is to get out and force contact with your friends. They honestly don't mind (as they've told you) and often in a college setting, they might be working (or supposed to be working) on school stuff 12 hours a day! Their not calling you should not be seen as rejection, or lack of REAL friendship, but as a product of their environment, where they can see their friends in person whenever they like. It certainly sucks (!) but it's not abnormal, and you're not alone.

One thing that is VERY important in all this - remember what it's like when you make a friend who's the same or worse off than you. I don't mean compare yourself to everybody but you could be the one who makes your friend's life bearable if you call twice a week or something. This isn't supposed to make you feel better or anything, but God will use your experiences to touch somebody's life if you let Him.
 
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urbanfaerie

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being lonely does get tough, i sympathize.

why don'tcha join a club, or a gym, or soething that ur interested in. its a good way to meet new ppl that share ur interest. also, those chicks that go to ur church ..why don't ya take the initiative, and invite em over for a cookie bake or something, fun n girly. sometimes people want to be ur friend, but don't know how to push their way into ur life. so be the leader not the follower ;)
 
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KGirl

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Maybe.. I've invited them to things, though they always say they're busy.
Though my original question is.. If they're so busy, why do they have time to answer the phone and talk?

Here's another question.. I might be going away traveling when I get married to my fiance going into the military. If I travel I won't have relatives saying "There's this person here who needs a friend.." How do you spot if someone needs a friend?
 
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JillLars

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If they're so busy, why do they have time to answer the phone and talk

Going out to do something usually involves more time then talking on the phone does, for example, its 4:30, I have to be somewhere at 6, I haven't showered yet, or eaten lunch, or yadda, yadda, yadda, I can talk on the phone for a while, but going out and doing something really isn't an option. Some people also have funny work schedules, I work overnights and some of my friends still don't understand why I can't just get together for lunch anytime, because I have to sleep during the day.
 
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joyinchrist

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KGirl said:
I have good news.. My mother was in the room when I vented to her about the girls not calling me and me not having a friend. She said that my uncle knows of this girl my age who needs a friend too that goes to his church, and he's pretty close by. :) So I'm hopeful.

And thanks for the reply. :hug:
 
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Salsa_1960

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I've got to start out this post by telling you that I'm "preaching to myself" because I've not been doing this AND I NEED TO be doing this....but here are some of my thoughts.

I have found that not all of my friends are the same age as me. For various reasons (that I won't go into in my post) I have been unemployed a good chunk of my life.

Most of the people that I know who are my age are employed and so so busy with their own lives. It isn't that they don't like me or don't care about me. They are just too darn busy.

I have, though, made friends with the elderly. I had a friend some years ago named "Malcolm." I met him in church. He was then in his mid-60s. He lived in a Veterans Home. I would go and visit him. He had Multiple Sclerosis. I don't drive. He couldn't either.....but we would get all around town on our own. He had a power scooter and I had my bike....or I would walk along with him on his scooter. In the winter we'd take a cab places or stay at the home and play SCRABBLE in the visiting section. Malcolm is only one of many elderly friends that I have made. The bad part is that you are taking a risk of getting close to someone who may die within 10 years or so. (Malcolm died about 10 years ago). The good part is, with the elderly comes much wisdom that can be passed down. IMHO, it's worth the trade-off. :)

I've volunteered too, it's been rewarding. Nursing homes often look for volunteers. If you don't have a particular talent (like playing the piano), you can go and read them letters or help someone put together a jigsaw puzzle....or whatever. Some schools will accept volunteers. (Some won't). Hospitals too. You say you are now working, so maybe I'm only talking to myself on this one. :)
 
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Deamiter

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I have a paper due in 4 hours that's not nearly good enough, so I'll be brief. They make time to talk to you on the phone because they enjoy talking to you! As JillLars said, even I pass up jazz clubs and broomball games if I'm behind in my work etc... A club or especially a sport is a really great thing as it'll throw you and your teamates together regularly, so go find something really fun.

Traveling a lot is a little more complicated, but it doesn't stop you from making friends - even friends that are more depressed. Watch yourself for a while and see how you react to people. You'll notice perhaps that you are REALLY quick to accept rejection (as you're expecting it). Somebody who REALLY needs a friend will sometimes sit in a crouded area by herself and wish for somebody to talk to... If you are jumping from base to base, you'll have a pre-built group to run with as there are quite a few women married to military men (!).

But the idea is not to go out and find depressed people to talk to. That's too close to the "friendship as a ministry" idea that doesn't work at all. You can't expect to fix these people, and you can't expect your friendship to have any noticable effect on them. But somebody who cares is important in anybody's lives.
 
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KGirl

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Lol you can be my friend Mr. Cheese. ^_* It helps, and I like having friends online, though there's just something about having a friend you can be around. Since I have a job now starting Tuesday things shouldn't be so bad. So far the people there seem nifty.. as far as I can tell. I dunno. I guess I have to be patient (which is not a big trait of mine..). Thanks for the responses.
 
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wgjones3

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I have two close friends now. One tried to kill me once, the other threatens to kill me everytime he gets mad at me. I stay freinds with both because they both need a freind. But, when I need a friend, they're usually not there. So I know what you mean about that cliche--it ain't true.

When I need a friend, I have two choices. My girlfriend, who really is my best friend (even if I can't stand her sometimes), and God. I've prayed for friends, but what I've noticed is that when God puts people into my life, I don't really open up to them and I end up driving them off without even realizing it. Well, I realize it after the fact, but not during the fact.

I've noticed the people who seem to know everybody have a few things in common. They all talk a lot, I mean they can talk to someone they've never met and have an hour-long conversation. Second, they hone in on something about the other person that they can relate to and, then, they relate to it in the coversation. Third, they're not afraid of what other people think, at least not to the degree that it keeps them from socializing. Fourth, they seem to have shallow, superficial relationships with a lot of people and only keep a few close friends.

In high school, I had a girl ask my why I didn't ever stop by her house, since we lived on the same road and I drove by nearly every day. I told her I didn't know she wanted me to, to which she replied, why wouldn't I? See, I never felt like people wanted me around. I wish I had gone over to people's houses and stuff like that, just hung out with people. So that's what I'll suggest to you. The next time you call one of these girls, see if they're busy right then, and if they're not, just go over there and hang out.

Hope that helps. I'm not very coherant tonight.
 
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katelyn

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I have a hard time making new friends too. I think part of it is my personality...I am somewhat introverted. I like being around people and talking to people, etc., but in general I will listen more than I talk, and sometimes if I do have something to say, it never gets said because I try to be careful not to interrupt people. I think this might give people the impression I don't really care about being their friend or something, which is totally not the case.

There's also the fact that I'm currently stay-at-home, and all the girls I know have jobs, so I feel like their lives are a lot busier than mine is and if I ask them to do something with me, I'll be interrupting their schedule or it will be a hassle instead of something they want to do. I probably overanalyze it all too much... However, I do wish I could meet some people who had personalities a little closer to mine. All the people I have met in my five months of living here seem rather extroverted. I would feel less overwhelmed if it was a more mixed crowd. But, I guess I have to work with what's available to me....

Hm. I guess I didn't really offer any advice here. :blush: Basically, I'm in a similar boat, and if I figure out any good ways of finding friends to hang out with, I'll let you know!
 
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poppy

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Hi there,

Kgirl and everyone, I know how you feel Kgirl about people being busy and them not phoning etc.

I think basicly that people just don't think really, they have their own friendships that they've had for a while and have a pattern of phoning each other etc. and don't realise that someone new may be feeling left out.

I think people tend to treat you a bit better when you show a bit of assertiveness, and express how you feel. Although I should follow my own advice 'cos I find it hard to do that.

So maybe next time you phone someone at the end of the conversation when they say thanks for phoning say something like thats alright, you're turn to phone me next.

And maybe pray that God will lead you to one of the girls you're trying to be friends with so that you can let her know how you feel. Maybe say something like It's quite difficult moving to a new place and trying to make new friends I am struggling a bit and see what it opens up. If you talk to a few people and still no joy then maybe you could talk to the pastor and he could maybe do a sermon on how as christians we should look out for one another and when new people come in take the initiative to call and invite them to do things instead of leaving it all up to the new person, surely there is something in the Bible about this.... I don't know I'm ramblimg on a bit. But I hope this helps..
about how do you know if someone needs a friend..chat to them for a while and say if you ever want to chat more heres my number and if they call, you know they want a friend.

Poppy :pink:
 
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