Saving my marriage...need encouragement

MLS3026533 · Feb 2, 2005

My story, I will try to be brief, although there are many demensions to my situation. I had an affair almost 3 years ago, my husband and I have struggled over the last 3 years, no communication, not letting God be head of our household. I was very confused on wether I even wanted to stay married. Well, in December my husband finally gave up on me and went on a date New Years Eve. He was gone all night returning home around noon. I was devasted, after finding out he had went on a date, I prayed and cried all night, crying out to God to bring me some answers, to heal my heart, plant the love I need in my heart to make this marriage survive.

I made a complete change in my life. I love the lord, I'm in couceling, in church and just trusting in God to light my path. My husband and I have major trust issues and now it seems he isn't sure he still loves me. He loves me, but isn't in love with me. He isn't sure he can risk another heart break.

He isn't ready for therapy and he won't wear his wedding ring. That breaks my heart. I'm trying to be patient but at times I feel he is just going through the motions. For the first time in ym life, my heart is so open to my husband. But he is having a hard time letting me back in. I would love some encouragement if anyone would like to offer.

Thanks, I'm glad to have found this site.

searle29678 · Feb 2, 2005

My posts are a great reminder of what God can do in a marriage, even when the other person seems so distant. Ask for God's forgiveness and forgive yourself and pray for Him to work out the rest. It may feel hopeless now, but you have to have faith. Sometimes things like this can turn a good marriage into a great marriage, and a bad marriage into a miracle. I'm praying for you! :hug:

Jenna · Feb 2, 2005

It's a good thing that loving someone doesn't have to mean "feeling in love".

Things are going to take a lot of time and attention, as you both learn how to turn your eyes to the Lord and live for Him. Dying to our own personal selfishness is tremendously difficult, but God is always there to aid you both in doing what is right. *hugs* We have a God who offers hope and love, who is faithful always. Things may move slowly with your husband, but it doesn't mean that miraculous things cannot happen. While you cannot make your husband 'be' any particular way, you can take very seriously your calling to be his companion and helper. He's going to need a lot of care after your affair if you want him to let you back in. I know that it hurts to think of him having been out with another woman, doing who knows what, but maybe you can make the best of it? Maybe this will help you to understand the gravity of the smallest infidelity, and bolster you in really wanting your marriage? I pray that your husband opens his heart and mind to the workings of the Holy Spirit so he can begin to heal and give himself over to the leadings of the Lord. *hugs*

MLS3026533 · Feb 2, 2005

Thank you so much, I think I just need the encouragement to stay the course. So many non-Christian friends don't understand commitment and always advise you to give up and turn to the world. My husband was a non-believer when we first married, we have never been in church together. During the time of my affair, he turned to the Lord and began going to church. I pray for his peace daily, pray for his happiness.

I'm trying so hard to be the wife he deserves, showing him love and trying to be patient. It's hard because he doesn't want to talk about it and I'm not sure where he is through all of it.

Anyways, I'm so thankful I found this site. I was posting to another site for divorce busting but it always felt like people were playing games with there spouse and I only want to have truth in our lives. No more lies....

hygienemom · Feb 2, 2005

Were you "feeling out of love" when you had the affair? What led you to take that step? When he began to reject you, did your feelings for him change?
Just some questions that popped into my head.

snoochface · Feb 2, 2005

It'll take some time to build back the trust you both lost, but it does sound like you are on the right path. Remember, he stuck with you for three years, through an affair, while you weren't sure you even wanted to be married to him still. That's a long time for him to have done that, so he must feel that commitment. I think you owe it to him to give him the time that he needs too, with patience and love. Show him every day that you love him and that you can be trusted, keep praying, stay together in church, and everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

Jenna · Feb 2, 2005

I am personally very glad that you are feeling encouraged, MLS. It can be so hard, trying to climb out of the holes that we dig for ourselves. Oh boy, don't I know it. My own marriage was faltering in a big way at one time. I had even gotten myself involved with another man via an emotional affair and a bit of inappropriate behavior. I know how terribly my husband was hurt, and how long it took for him to extend the slightest bit of trust in my direction. I had to really make an effort to nurture him for a long time before he even trusted me to go out grocery shopping on my own, it was so bad. With some determination and a lot of agape love, we've made tremendous improvements in our marriage. Things were so out of control that I became suicidal, completely shut down communication, and my husband retreated so far into himself that the only times I'd hear from him was when he completely exploded in anger over something. Slowly, we got to a point where we could talk again, and with diligence to doing things God's way, things keep getting closer to "right". I am absolutely amazed in the changes that have taken place in our marriage. Maybe because of that, I know that there is hope for you two. Boughts of stupidity don't have to mean the end of a marriage. *hugs*

seige · Feb 2, 2005

It sounds like you have had a lot of women talk about thier situations concerning the issues where a woman has an affair, almost has an affair etc. I am a man whose wife had an affair on him a year and a half ago, maybe my take on this will help you see his side a little bit easier. One of my brothers on this sight encouraged me that the male ego takes quite an impact when an affair is had by his wife. I lost all faith in myself. I felt like nothing. Unlike your husband who seems to be pulling from you I pulled close to my wife. I did not want to get divorced. I don't think your husband doesn't love you, I never stopped loving my wife- I just became a shadow of the man I used to be. I used to be driven, motivated, a "man's man." Now I'm so unsure of myself I am often fearful that even my trips to the gym are neglectful to my family and may cause her to have another affair. It sounds like your husband is fearful of his heart being broken again, I too fear for this. When we argue or when I don't feel close to my wife I can feel my walls go up and I can't feel anything anymore. I hate it because it keeps me from true 'oneness' with my wife but my fear won't let me let go of it. Your husband is afraid. It is going to take time, I can close my eyes sometimes and imagine a life in the future where we have kids and I can not even have thought about the affair in my head, imagined them together, felt the pain it caused me. Right now it seems a really far off place, but I have hope. Talk with your husband, go to church with your husband, get him posting on the men's corner of this forum! I will be praying for you, don't give up. The last thing this world needs is another divorce, stop the trend. Tell your husband, even daily, that you will never stray again... and keep that promise. God bless.

MLS3026533 · Feb 3, 2005

Thank you Seige for that understanding.

My husband told me last night he was struggling but that it was helping to finally feel loved by me. I'm currently reading "The five Love Languages and have determined my husband needs physical touch. So I have really tried to put what I have learned into action.

He loves the new me, but he is afraid I will go back to my old ways and hurt him again. I know it's going to take time but I'm insecure after his 2 dates with the other woman, he almost moved out and told me that he had finally given up on me. He said it took him a while to give up on me and then I finally came around. At first he said it was too late. I ended up talking to the other woman and she even asked him to give our marriage another chance. So, he finally gave me another chance and I have given it my 110%.

I know we are on the right track, but reading how the affair made you feel as a man, breaks my heart. My husband would never tell me those things and I really need to hear it.

I think God has allowed me to feel the pain from his affair so that I may know how much I hurt him.

I try to tell him each day that I love him but at times it's too hard when he doesn't reciprocate. I feel shattered and vulnerable. Should I continue anyways? What other things could I do daily that would make him feel loved by me?

WayneH · Feb 3, 2005

MLS... you've gotten some good advice - the main thing is continue to Pray - continue to look for God's will in your marriage and do not give up.. eventually he will know yoru sincere and willing to start trusting again because of what you continue to do.. I'm praying for you both..

God Bless

GaelSong · Feb 3, 2005

MLS hope you work it out...it's hard when one or both partners feel betrayed, and you have every reason to feel hurt. My husband and I have been married for nearly twenty years and for most of that time we have not got on, fighting alot. Only in the last few years have we changed our relationship around. We both decided it was important to us to keep our marriage together. You and your husband need to look at what has happened. Maybe that he has retaliated has made him feel better. The question is do you think its worth it to keep your marriage together or would you be better off separated?

MLS3026533 · Feb 3, 2005

hygienemom said:
Were you "feeling out of love" when you had the affair? What led you to take that step? When he began to reject you, did your feelings for him change?
Just some questions that popped into my head.

Honestly, when I had the affair, I had strayed far from God. I believed I never loved him. I didn't know how to tell him what I needed and I was also devasted when I had found he turned to inappropriate content online each night while I was in bed alone.

I changed the night he went on the all night date and didn't return until noon the next day. I was faced with a fear I had lost him, not only to another woman but I had feared he had died. I could not reach him, he had turned off his cell phone. I prayed and cried all night and begged God to heal my heart...open my heart. So, one month later, I'm growing in my faith, learning how to be a better wife and mother.

I don't know if my husband will ever be able to stay with me, but I know I will be okay no matter what happens. And if I'm faced with divorce (as scary as that may be) I know in my heart I did what was right and tried to make things right.

Evie · Feb 3, 2005

MLS3026533 said:
My story, I will try to be brief, although there are many demensions to my situation. I had an affair almost 3 years ago, my husband and I have struggled over the last 3 years, no communication, not letting God be head of our household. I was very confused on wether I even wanted to stay married. Well, in December my husband finally gave up on me and went on a date New Years Eve. He was gone all night returning home around noon. I was devasted, after finding out he had went on a date, I prayed and cried all night, crying out to God to bring me some answers, to heal my heart, plant the love I need in my heart to make this marriage survive.

I made a complete change in my life. I love the lord, I'm in couceling, in church and just trusting in God to light my path. My husband and I have major trust issues and now it seems he isn't sure he still loves me. He loves me, but isn't in love with me. He isn't sure he can risk another heart break.

He isn't ready for therapy and he won't wear his wedding ring. That breaks my heart. I'm trying to be patient but at times I feel he is just going through the motions. For the first time in ym life, my heart is so open to my husband. But he is having a hard time letting me back in. I would love some encouragement if anyone would like to offer.

Thanks, I'm glad to have found this site.

wow,makes my eyes tear. My husband and I went threw something very hurtful a couple years back. We are together today,by the grace of God. Marriage is a hard thing to work at. Praying for you and your husband's marriage.

Jenna · Feb 3, 2005

Pray, pray, pray, and be diligent in your love.

It only takes a second to betray a trust, but possibly years to win it back. Please don't be discouraged. *hugs* Since he really does love the "new you", then give him more of the same. Let God fill you with His love and renew you, and you in turn will be able to give your husband a feast of agape love. It can be difficult, but is definitely worth it. God bless.

MLS3026533 · Feb 7, 2005

Update: Well, I thought we were becoming closer to once another. He has been very affectionate towards me, spending much time together. But I slipped up this morning and checked his phone logs online. All this time he was telling me that he hadn't called her, but he's called her almost every other day anf also sent her text messages. He only tells me the truth when I confront him with the truth. We went out and bought him a new phone over the weekend and as soon as it was on he sent her a text with his new number. But, when I asked him if he had given her his new number he said no. So he lied again. Sometimes I want to give up, I feel as though I'm giving him 110% and he is still calling her almost daily. I don't know how to handle the jealousy. It really makes me want to stop trying with him. Any advise?

Southern Cross · Feb 7, 2005

MLS, I can only speak from my experience. First, don't give up. Knowing what I know now, a man would be a fool to let a woman go who wants to keep her marriage the way you do. Stick with it. But also don't hesitate to get tough - you've got to get through to him.

This is what I'd do... and everyone else can feel free to disagree with me. I'd go ahead and get the other woman's number and call her. Seriously. You need to be polite, but firm. It's always possible she has no idea he is still married... and you need to treat her with some respect. I'd simply say, "Are you aware that my husband is still married and living with me? And do you know how hard it is to repair my marriage with you still in the picture? I'm asking you in the most respectful way I know how to back off. Please break off all contact with him out of respect for my marriage. And that includes friendship, however innocent it may be"

Yes, you cheated in the past. So have lots of men and women. But some men will use this as an excuse to do as they please. On one hand they justify it with the fact that you took the first step to destroy mutual trust, and possibly the marriage. On the other, they don't want to be held accountable to standards of behavior they expected you to uphold in the first place.

Then ask your husband to maintain some level of commitment to your marriage. Tell him if he sees her or talks to her again, he has to leave your house and find another place to live while still keeping other women out of the picture. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, but it does mean you are serious. Expect him to ask why you are applying a double standard in light of your own infidelity a few years ago. But that is beside the point. If he's even the least bit smart, he'll already know how much you want to hang on to your marriage and not even go down that road (he deserves a lot of credit if he doesn't bring up that argument).

Just to let you know, I called the other guy when my wife was having an affair in an attempt to get him to back off - and it worked to keep him from traveling to my state to see my wife. When things kept going south and she continued to pursue the affair with him (and I suspect others), I also did what your husband is doing now for a short time until I realized how insanely stupid it was. But I cannot tell you how important it is to take a step to physically intercede in his affair. He needs to know you are dead serious. So does his girlfriend.

Here are a couple of other thoughts. And again, others can feel free to disagree. The trust has been breached a few times, so I see nothing wrong with this. First, collect records of his calls to and from her. Monitor his credit card and checking statements for questionable charges. Watch for secret cell phone accounts, secret email accounts. Install monitoring software on your computer which records keystrokes and sends summaries to your email. If he has any strong Christian friends, one of them needs to hold him accountable. The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes you have to know how far things are going before you know how to do battle to save your marriage. You can still be loving and kind. Obviously God has to take the lead in this battle - but he gave you a brain and a heart and intuition - use them.

It is so hard to learn to trust again. Enough people on this forum know my marriage situation - not good. But it is so much better when you draw lines in the sand. I casught my wife in yet another lie this weekend. Everytime I think there is a chance, one little chance to make it work... the trust is blown. But it's so much easier now that I've established boundaries, so there are no questions about my responses and what I do in turn. We are separated now, I live elsewhere, and we are preparing for divorce proceedings. But I have found that once boundaries are established, it allows me to remain calm and collected if at all possible and react the right way rather than out of bitterness, anger, hurt or even hatred.

Fight the good fight - God's timetable is not always in line with our expectations. He loves you and wants to see your marriage survive and thrive. I hope with all my heart that you are successful. I will be praying for you and your husband.

Southern Cross

p.s. - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson is a great book. If you haven't read it yet, pick up a copy or call Focus On The Family - they'll send you a copy.

searle29678 · Feb 7, 2005

Southern Cross said:
MLS, I can only speak from my experience. First, don't give up. Knowing what I know now, a man would be a fool to let a woman go who wants to keep her marriage the way you do. Stick with it. But also don't hesitate to get tough - you've got to get through to him.

This is what I'd do... and everyone else can feel free to disagree with me. I'd go ahead and get the other woman's number and call her. Seriously. You need to be polite, but firm. It's always possible she has no idea he is still married... and you need to treat her with some respect. I'd simply say, "Are you aware that my husband is still married and living with me? And do you know how hard it is to repair my marriage with you still in the picture? I'm asking you in the most respectful way I know how to back off. Please break off all contact with him out of respect for my marriage. And that includes friendship, however innocent it may be"

Yes, you cheated in the past. So have lots of men and women. But some men will use this as an excuse to do as they please. On one hand they justify it with the fact that you took the first step to destroy mutual trust, and possibly the marriage. On the other, they don't want to be held accountable to standards of behavior they expected you to uphold in the first place.

Then ask your husband to maintain some level of commitment to your marriage. Tell him if he sees her or talks to her again, he has to leave your house and find another place to live while still keeping other women out of the picture. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, but it does mean you are serious. Expect him to ask why you are applying a double standard in light of your own infidelity a few years ago. But that is beside the point. If he's even the least bit smart, he'll already know how much you want to hang on to your marriage and not even go down that road (he deserves a lot of credit if he doesn't bring up that argument).

Just to let you know, I called the other guy when my wife was having an affair in an attempt to get him to back off - and it worked to keep him from traveling to my state to see my wife. When things kept going south and she continued to pursue the affair with him (and I suspect others), I also did what your husband is doing now for a short time until I realized how insanely stupid it was. But I cannot tell you how important it is to take a step to physically intercede in his affair. He needs to know you are dead serious. So does his girlfriend.

Here are a couple of other thoughts. And again, others can feel free to disagree. The trust has been breached a few times, so I see nothing wrong with this. First, collect records of his calls to and from her. Monitor his credit card and checking statements for questionable charges. Watch for secret cell phone accounts, secret email accounts. Install monitoring software on your computer which records keystrokes and sends summaries to your email. If he has any strong Christian friends, one of them nbeeds to hold him accountable. The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes you have to know how far things are going before you know how to do battle to save your marriage. You can still be loving and kind. Obviously God has to take the lead in this battle - but he gave you a brain and a heart and intuition - use them.

It is so hard to learn to trust again. Enough people on this forum know my marriage situation - not good. But it is so much better when you draw lines in the sand. I casught my wife in yet another lie this weekend. Everytime I think there is a chance, one little chance to make it work... the trust is blown. But it's so much easier now that I've established boundaries, so there are no questions about my responses and what I do in turn. We are separated now, I live elsewhere, and we are preparing for divorce proceedings. But I have found that once boundaries are established, it allows me to remain calm and collected if at all possible and react the right way rather than out of bitterness, anger, hurt or even hatred.

Fight the good fight - God's timetable is not always in line with our expectations. He loves you and wants to see your marriage survive and thrive. I hope with all my heart that you are successful. I will be praying for you and your husband.

Southern Cross

p.s. - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson is a great book. If you haven't read it yet, pick up a copy or call Focus On The Family - they'll send you a copy.

I think that's good advice, along the same lines of what I would do...you have to do what you have to do and I think you present a good example of how to handle a situation like this.

MLS3026533 · Feb 7, 2005

Thank you for that advise. I did tell him I was not going to be a fool anymore. And explained I wasn't going to beg anymore. I have spoken with her. That is the only reason he agreed to try to make our marriage work. I even asked to meet with her and she agreed, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I see where he has called her and it looks as though he only gets her voicemail. I don't see any answerred calls. I don't understand why he would keep calling her if she isn't answering.

The sad thing is, I do know her, she works for our Physicians office. I am thinking of even changing physicians because I feel like a fool when I go in there and I don't want him going back in there to see her.

I do see him warming up to me, but it's hard to see if it's an act or not. I know he is also watching me closely. He did mention over the weekend, I have changed so much he is really getting to knwo me all over again. I know our marriage could be awesome if he would just make the commitment. But, I know he has to ultimately make that decision.

Southern Cross · Feb 7, 2005

You are one smart cookie, MLS. You were two steps ahead of me! Good for you. If he is continuing to call her, perhaps he is just trying to end it amicably and tie up loose strings. He'll get the message if she's not answering.

Lorie · Feb 7, 2005

I had an affair about 2 years ago. and i keep waiting for the same thing to happen to me. at least now u are motivated to keep you husband unlike before when you had your affair. (My husband never found out about my affair) there is nothing worst then not caring to try. If your husband hung around this long then there is still hope. I do have a question tho... did your husband have an affair with this other woman? OR does it just LOOK that way?? sometimes we need to get even??

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