I'm so frustrated. Everything I want to do and be in life, all my goals and hopes, are overshadowed with this cloud of fear and worry. I feel so discouraged, as if God isn't eharing or helping me. I know that's a horrible thing to say or even think. But when everything is going wrong, and nothing I try for ever works out, I get so depressed. Supposedly God wants the best for us, and we're supposed to trust Him and He will give us the desires of our heart...
But if so, then why is nothing working for me? For the past few YEARS it's been that no matter what I do, it always ends up in failure. When i look back on teh past few years, I want to cry...to think of so many wonderful plans and goals that I had, so many things I wanted to accomplish...and now, to realize that NONE of it has come to pass.
if I didn't believe in God, I would have killed myself by now. Even now I am wishing there was some way to just end it, because if failure and disappointment have been the way of my life until now, why should I believe that the future holds anything different?
I have been unemployed for half a year now, certainly not due to me not looking hard enough for a job! I had planned to move to another city at the end of 2005, when I graduate...but how on earth am I going to afford that?
Looking through apartment listings and such is making me want to cry...I don't see how it's financially possible for me to make this happen, and even if it was, I'm so overwhelmed by the whole process of it all that I don't know where to start. I've never done anything like this before, and i'm scared and feeling that, as usual, failure is inevitable.
I want to eventually make it as a professional classical singer, but again...I don't see how it's possible. I know I have the talent...but there are so many obstacles, so many other people that are also wanting what I want, I feel like I have no chance. And yet, what else am I supposed to do? I would rather just die than try to go through life doing something else, and I am absolutely serious about that.
In the past two years I have been left by three people that I had been in love with. If this is the way my life is going to be (and I have no reason to believe that things will suddenly change for the better), then what's the point in even living?
If I'm going to go through life being a failure as a singer, being alone, and failing at everything I want in life...why live?
I'm depressed, angry and insanely envious. Depressed because I don't see why I fail at everything, while others are enjoying exactly what I want most. Why does God favor them over me? Why won't He help me; why does He see fit to give my dreams away to other people and taunt me with it, giving me nothing but emptiness?
I get so angry and jealous when i see people who don't have to worry about money, people who are succeeding as musicians, people that have loving partners and relationships, people who turn everything they touch into gold...why them? Why not me? Why did God even put me here if all I'm going to do is stumble through life failing, being miserable and watching other people live what should have been MY life?
This is making me doubt my faith and doubt God. I feel like a horrible excuse for a person for even thinking this. But I cannot lie or pretend that i'm not doubting and angry. I am. I'm also scared. I graduate from college in a year, and then what? I'm afraid that the world will jsut eat me alive. I feel so clueless and helpless, and completely alone in the world. I feel like I have no idea of how the world works, and when I look into the future all I see is misery, confusion, loneliness, failure and emptiness.
I don't believe that I will ever be fortunate enough to find someone that loves me, to succeed on my own in the world, to realize my dream of singing for a living...and I feel like God is laughing at me, and throwing these successful, happy people in my face on purpose. I know, I'm bitter and that's horrible.
But where is God? Why does He not answer and help me? Why does He seem so far away, so uncaring? I've cried out for Him incessantly in the past few years, and finally I think i have all but given up.
What can i do? I don't want to live like this; I am really thinking that it would be better if I didn't live at all. But I don't have the nerve to actually end my life.
Did God really create me for a life of failure? If not, why is He allowing my life thus far to be nothing but a string of constant discouragement and disappointments?
But if so, then why is nothing working for me? For the past few YEARS it's been that no matter what I do, it always ends up in failure. When i look back on teh past few years, I want to cry...to think of so many wonderful plans and goals that I had, so many things I wanted to accomplish...and now, to realize that NONE of it has come to pass.
if I didn't believe in God, I would have killed myself by now. Even now I am wishing there was some way to just end it, because if failure and disappointment have been the way of my life until now, why should I believe that the future holds anything different?
I have been unemployed for half a year now, certainly not due to me not looking hard enough for a job! I had planned to move to another city at the end of 2005, when I graduate...but how on earth am I going to afford that?
Looking through apartment listings and such is making me want to cry...I don't see how it's financially possible for me to make this happen, and even if it was, I'm so overwhelmed by the whole process of it all that I don't know where to start. I've never done anything like this before, and i'm scared and feeling that, as usual, failure is inevitable.
I want to eventually make it as a professional classical singer, but again...I don't see how it's possible. I know I have the talent...but there are so many obstacles, so many other people that are also wanting what I want, I feel like I have no chance. And yet, what else am I supposed to do? I would rather just die than try to go through life doing something else, and I am absolutely serious about that.
In the past two years I have been left by three people that I had been in love with. If this is the way my life is going to be (and I have no reason to believe that things will suddenly change for the better), then what's the point in even living?
If I'm going to go through life being a failure as a singer, being alone, and failing at everything I want in life...why live?
I'm depressed, angry and insanely envious. Depressed because I don't see why I fail at everything, while others are enjoying exactly what I want most. Why does God favor them over me? Why won't He help me; why does He see fit to give my dreams away to other people and taunt me with it, giving me nothing but emptiness?
I get so angry and jealous when i see people who don't have to worry about money, people who are succeeding as musicians, people that have loving partners and relationships, people who turn everything they touch into gold...why them? Why not me? Why did God even put me here if all I'm going to do is stumble through life failing, being miserable and watching other people live what should have been MY life?
This is making me doubt my faith and doubt God. I feel like a horrible excuse for a person for even thinking this. But I cannot lie or pretend that i'm not doubting and angry. I am. I'm also scared. I graduate from college in a year, and then what? I'm afraid that the world will jsut eat me alive. I feel so clueless and helpless, and completely alone in the world. I feel like I have no idea of how the world works, and when I look into the future all I see is misery, confusion, loneliness, failure and emptiness.
I don't believe that I will ever be fortunate enough to find someone that loves me, to succeed on my own in the world, to realize my dream of singing for a living...and I feel like God is laughing at me, and throwing these successful, happy people in my face on purpose. I know, I'm bitter and that's horrible.
But where is God? Why does He not answer and help me? Why does He seem so far away, so uncaring? I've cried out for Him incessantly in the past few years, and finally I think i have all but given up.
What can i do? I don't want to live like this; I am really thinking that it would be better if I didn't live at all. But I don't have the nerve to actually end my life.
Did God really create me for a life of failure? If not, why is He allowing my life thus far to be nothing but a string of constant discouragement and disappointments?
