GEORGIA, CSA sponsored Southern General Apologetic Meet-n-Greet

O where do you get them, I don't know?
Perhaps where farkleberries grow!
Surely not when there is snow,
But in my yard they're in a row.

I see you, little miss sunshinegirl,
I'm waiting for your words to unfurl.

Say, hopper, Georgia is famous for a lot of things, but had you heard that Jesus was actually born in Georgia?


Matthew
Cotton Patch Version

1. When Jesus was born in Gainesville, Georgia during the time that Herod was governor, some scholars from the Orient came to Atlanta and inquired, "Where is the one who was born to be governor of Georgia? We saw his star in the Orient, and we came to honor him." This news put Governor Herod and all his cronies in a tizzy. So he called a meeting of the big time preachers and politicians, and asked if they had any idea where the Leader was to be born. In Gainesville, Georgia," the replied, "because there's a bible prophecy which says:

'And you Gainesville, in the state of Georgia,
Are by no means the least in the Georgia delegation;
From you will come a governor,
Who will wisely guide my chosen people.' "

7. Then Herod called in the scholars privately and questioned them in detail about the exact time of the star's appearance. And he sent them off to Gainesville with this instruction: "Go and find out the facts about the child. Then tell me what you've learned, so that I too may come and honor him." They listened to the governor and left. And you know, the star which they saw in the Orient went ahead of them until it came and stood above the place where the child was. (Just looking at the star flooded them with great happiness.) So they went inside the house and saw the baby with his mother, Mary. They bowed down and honored him, and opened the presents they had brought him–gifts of jewelry, incense and perfume. And having gotten the word in a dream not to revisit Herod, they went back to their own country by another route.

13. After they had checked out, the Lord's messenger made connection with Joseph in a dream and said, "Get moving and take your wife and baby and highball it to Mexico. Then stay put until I get word to you because Herod is going to do his best to kill the baby." So he got right up, took the baby and its mother and checked out by night for Mexico. He stayed there until the death of Herod. (This gave meaning to what the Lord said through the prophet: "I summoned my son from Mexico.")

16. Then it dawned on Herod that he had been duped by the learned men, an he really blew his top. He gave orders to kill all the babies in Gainesville and thereabouts who were under two, on the basis of the schedule which he had obtained from the scholars. (Then the saying of Jeremiah the prophet was given meaning:

"A noise is heard in Ramah,
Great weeping and anguish;
Rachel is grieving for her children
And there's no consoling her,
Because she has lost them.")

19. Now when Herod passed away, the Lord's messenger contacted Joseph in Mexico by a dream. "Get moving," he said, "and take the child and his mother and return to the South, for the people who were trying to take the boy's life have died."

21. So he packed up and took the child and his mother, and returned to the South. He heard that Herod's boy Archelaus was governor of Alabama and so he was scared to settle down there. He was given instructions in a dream to go on over into south Georgia to the city of Valdosta. (This gave meaning to the prophet's word: "He shall be called a Valdostan.")

Here's another excerpt:

Jesus' Doings
[Luke]
Cotton Patch Version



5.1. While he was standing beside Lake Lanier, a crowd gathered around him to hear the word of God. He saw two little boats beside the lake, whose owners had left them while they washed their nets. He got into one of the boats, which belonged to Simon, and asked him to shove off a little way from the bank. Then he sat down in the boat and taught the crowds. When he had finished, he said to Simon, "Go out where it's deep, and let down your nets for a haul."
Simon answered, "Mister, we've worked our heads off all night long and haven't caught a thing; but, if you say so, I'll put out the nets."
They did, and caught such a slew of fish that their nets started busting. So they yelled to their buddies in the other boat to come quick and lend them a hand. They came, and they filled both little boats so full they almost sank.
When Simon (Rock) saw it all, he got down on his knees before Jesus and said, "Don't waste your time on a bum like me, sir!" For he and his buddies were bug-eyed because of the big wad of fish they had caught. Simon's business partners, Jim and Jack Zebedee, were also amazed.
Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't worry about it. From now on you'll fish for men." And when they got their boats back to shore, they gave up everything and started living like him.

And one more:
Happenings
[Acts]
Cotton Patch Version
1. When Thanksgiving Day arrived, they were all gathered in one place. Then all of a sudden there came from the sky a rumbling like a tornado, and it filled the whole house where they were gathered. And they saw forked flames as from a fire, and it stayed in contact with each one of them. Everybody was bursting with Holy Spirit and started talking in whatever different languages the spirit directed.

5. Now at that time there were a lot of delegates gathered in Atlanta, religious people from countries all over the world. So when they heard this great noise, they all came running together. And then they heard these folks talking to each one of them in their own native tongue, and were they excited! Amazed and astounded no end, they said, "Look, aren't all these speakers Americans? Then how is it that each of us is hearing it in his own native tongue–French, Spanish, German, Portuguese, Chinese, Russian, Italian, Greek, Turkish, Burmese, Hebrew, Swedish, Afrikaans, Hindi–in our own languages we are hearing them tell of God's mighty doings." Everybody was dumfounded and puzzled, saying one to another, "What's the meaning of this?" But others sneered, "They're tanked up on white lightning."

14. So Rock, along with the eleven, got right up and started explaining matters to them: "Fellow Georgians and all you delegates in Atlanta, let me set you straight on this right now. These folks are not tanked up like you think, because it's just nine o'clock in the morning. Instead, this is the happening described in the book of Joel:

'When the time is ripe,' says God,
'I will share my spirit with all mankind,
And your sons and your daughters will speak the truth.
Your young people will catch visions
And your old people will dream new dreams.
Yes indeed, when the time is ripe I'll share my spirit
With my boys and my girls and they will speak the truth.
And I will put terrors in the sky above
And nightmares on the earth below –
Blood and fire and a mushroom cloud.
The sun will be turned into blackness
And the moon into blood,
When the glory and the majesty of the Lord's Era
Will be ushered in.
And then, the man who shares in the Lord's nature will come through.'

"Brother men, give me your attention. Surely you yourselves know about Jesus, the Valdostan, a man whom God backed up with the mighty deeds, marvelous happenings and solid evidence which he presented right before your eyes. Within the framework of his purpose and knowledge, God let you murder him by stringing him up at the hands of a mob. But then God removed the effects of death and restored him to life. It just wasn't possible for him to be contained by death. David puts these words on his lips:

'I was assured in advance of my Lord's abiding presence;
He is right beside me to keep me from being knocked out.
That's why my heart sings out and my tongue shouts for joy.
And even more, my whole body will be vibrant with hope;
Because you will not abandon my life to the grave,
Nor give your "divine spark" to the despair of death.
You have let me in on life's secrets;
With your presence you will make me unspeakably happy.'

"Brothers of mine, let me tell you bluntly that our forefather David died, was buried and his tomb is still with us. But since he was a prophet, and knowing that God had guaranteed that one of his own descendants would succeed him, he foresaw the resurrection of the Leader when he referred to him as not being abandoned to the grave, nor his body to the despair of death. And it's this man Jesus that God has made alive, and all of us are the evidence of his aliveness. Since he has been elevated as 'God's right hand man,' and having received from the Father the assurance of the Holy Spirit, he has shared with us this which you are seeing and hearing. For while David himself never entered the spiritual realm, he did say,
"The Boss said to my boss, 'Be my right hand man while I put even your opponents under your control.’ " Therefore let all America know beyond any doubt that God has made this same Jesus, whom you lynched, both President and Leader."

37. Upon hearing this they were cut to the quick, and they said to Rock and the other officers, "Will you please tell us, brothers, what we can do about it?"
Rock said to them, "Reshape your lives, and let each of you be initiated into the family of Jesus Christ so your sins can he dealt with; and you will receive the free gift of the Holy Spirit. For the guarantee is to you and your relatives, as well as to all the outsiders whom the Lord our God shall invite." Rock was going down the line on other matters, too, and kept urging them on. "Save yourselves," he was telling them, "from this goofed-up society."

41. So those who accepted his explanation were initiated, swelling the membership to about three thousand. They were all bound together by the officers' instruction and by the sense of community, by the common meal and the prayers. A great reverence came over everybody, while many amazing and instructive things were done by the officers. The whole company of believers stuck together and held all things common. They were selling their goods and belongings, and dividing them among the group on the basis of one's need. Knit together with singleness of purpose they gathered at the church every day, and as they ate the common meal from house to house they had a joyful and humble spirit, praising God and showing over-flowing kindness toward everybody. And day by day, as people were being rescued, the Lord would add them to the fellowship.

Darn.
I replied to this yesterday.
[sigh]
It didn't show up.
SHUCKS !!!!

Awe my
Well a thank you a lot for those nice words about me dear Hopper
I reckon I could say the same about youself
'cept you not being a belle an' all
Well come to think of it, there really ain't no comparison since you are gentlemen an' all
I can say you are a fine strapping young man

Aerie
How many times in the word *ain't* used in that translation?

Here be the Cottonpatch site, hop & sunny:
http://rockhay.tripod.com/cottonpatch/
I ain't sure how many ain'ts is thar, but I'm sure it's plenty.

I reckon not.
I think yew got more up in that ther' head of yours than nuttin'.
Yer a reel smart fella.
n Aerie with yer fancy links and wise tellings.
Yew aint so bad yerself

Tha nut don't fall fer frum tha tree, lessin' it be growed underground. Is u a ground nut, or a tree nut?
(*says aerie, whos a bit off the ground cause a bonafide Georgia princess thinks he's wise & has fancy links)

just fer references :



MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
(for immediate release)

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

ALSO NOTE:

Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive,
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

OTHER FEATURES:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:

tiperiter.............A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ..............CD Player
inner-net..............Microsoft Explorer
pichers...............A graphics viewer
IRS................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog..............American kennel club records
fishin...............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA...............National Rifle Association
shot gun ..............Remington Arms price list
riffel.............Winchester price list
****tel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.............usually an empty file
shells........ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud...........list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin.........NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry therace
car n' truck Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ............veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.