Attraction outside of marriage

SkyeBlue8 · Nov 4, 2004

Hi all,

Well, I am a Christian, even though I'd say I'm backslidden right now. And this is the reason why.
I just got married not too long ago, and I also have a baby.
I married a wonderful man, I love him to death, I'm very happy with him. He treats me wonderfully. However, I've been experiencing something horrible.
I have a crush on his brother!
No it's not something out of a soap opera. It's not as dramatic as it sounds, his brother has no idea.

The thing is, it's a big enough deal that it's been eating away at me, I think about it often, and I feel horrible. I hate myself, to put it bluntly. My husband is wonderful, I couldn't ask for a more sensetive and caring man. He's not perfect of course, but compared to the majority of women, I have nothing to complain about. If he knew it would hurt him so much.

I have a feeling that Satan took advantage of a bad situation...I'm young, and have a baby and new husband, all of a sudden, I feel a bit trapped, even though I love the people in my life, I love my baby, and husband. But I think Satan planted a seed of desire in my mind, a desire to be free I guess, and to have freedom that I just can't have anymore.
The fact that I've thought my husband's brother was attractive for a long time doesn't help either, he's an attractive guy in a lot of ways.
It's a big enough crush that it really bothers me, and makes me feel really bad, so I don't need anyone saying "don't worry it'll pass", or "it's normal". That won't help me.

What does everyone else think? Anyone else have a problem like this? I just need some Christian support from people who understand.
Thanks for your help.

Mayzoo · Nov 4, 2004

I have never experienced this, but I will give advice a go anyway.

When you marry, that does not mean you will never find someone attractive again...it means you cannot act on those feelings, and you should discourage any fantasizing about the other person.

I will not say it will go away...nor should you just sit back and wait for it to go away on its own.

Pray for God to release you from this attraction. Do not allow yourself to be alone with this man. The less you allow contact (hugging, playful touching etc..) the best.

Read God's word on the covenant of marriage. Read about those in the bible who did not honor the covenant.

Focus on all the great traits your hubby has, and actively do more activities that enhance your intamacy with him. Start thinking about your future with your husband. Make goals and plans about where you want your marriage to be in5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc....

Love God, your husband, and yourself. Respect God, your husband, and yourself.

Mr.Cheese · Nov 4, 2004

When I got married I noticed that girls were just as cute as they were before. I don't say that in total humor, because it's true. Oddly enough it seems like your dating possibilities skyrocket.
But the vow included forsaking all others, which means what it says. You have to forsake in every sense of the word. Visualize his brother as a door that has not only been closed, but removed entirely, a path or choice removed from view because you have taken another road. Maybe it could have been. But that is done. You have made your choice. I've had to do this. I myself have a "I wonder what could have been." But she wasn't, isn't, and never will be.

I see girls all as my little sisters now. That helps keep things in a proper relationship. I also keep some defenses up. I will not sign into any IM when Holly is not here. Because I know I am human I don't place myself into situations that may lead to unfortunate circumstances. An ounce of prevention...

WayneH · Nov 4, 2004

AMEN Mr. Cheese............ I couldn't agree more...

pegatha · Nov 4, 2004

Other people don't stop being attractive just because you're married, but this is a problem that can be overcome. You can refuse to dwell on your feelings or fantasize about your BIL, perhaps by deliberately thanking God for some wonderful attribute of your husband's whenever you're tempted to pine for your BIL. You can pray that God will end this attack of the enemy, and trust that He will answer. You probably already realize that you can (and must) keep your husband and BIL from ever learning of your feelings, because the knowledge could prove immensely destructive to your marriage and to the relationship between the two of them. I think this sort of temptation is much more common than most people admit, especially for young moms who are already feeling overwhelmed by the demands of a tiny baby. But if you trust God and act wisely, He will overcome it for you.

Jenna · Nov 4, 2004

When I have felt as though I was being pulled by temptation, it really helped for me to read God's Word very often. I would delve into the many scriptures speaking of marriage and it's parallel with our relationship as the bride of Christ. It really helped me keep things in perspective and eased the effects of a fallen nature.

Like it has been said, prayer is a wonderful way of nipping the problem in the bud. Speak with the Lord and express what you are going through, and ask for the widom and strength to persevere through these trials for His glory.

Mrs. Enigma · Nov 4, 2004

Never convey your feelings to your husband's brother. You can however tell your husband, so that you do not get left alone or in akward situations with him. Pray, and try to think about your hubby instead. This will probably be a long battle, but God can protect and keep you safe through it.
Also, I think it is best if you do not keep this a secret from your hubby. It is better in the open, but be prepared that he might say he has the same trouble with your sister or best friend. He is human too.
Try not to flirt or be the center of attention around his brother. You may have to almost ignore his brother.
Let God help you fight any day dreams where you talk to, flirt, show off, etc. to this guy. Also, focus on your current relationship, build it up.

Melbelle · Nov 4, 2004

SkyeBlue8 said:
Hi all,

Well, I am a Christian, even though I'd say I'm backslidden right now. And this is the reason why.
I just got married not too long ago, and I also have a baby.
I married a wonderful man, I love him to death, I'm very happy with him. He treats me wonderfully. However, I've been experiencing something horrible.
I have a crush on his brother!
No it's not something out of a soap opera. It's not as dramatic as it sounds, his brother has no idea.

The thing is, it's a big enough deal that it's been eating away at me, I think about it often, and I feel horrible. I hate myself, to put it bluntly. My husband is wonderful, I couldn't ask for a more sensetive and caring man. He's not perfect of course, but compared to the majority of women, I have nothing to complain about. If he knew it would hurt him so much.

I have a feeling that Satan took advantage of a bad situation...I'm young, and have a baby and new husband, all of a sudden, I feel a bit trapped, even though I love the people in my life, I love my baby, and husband. But I think Satan planted a seed of desire in my mind, a desire to be free I guess, and to have freedom that I just can't have anymore.
The fact that I've thought my husband's brother was attractive for a long time doesn't help either, he's an attractive guy in a lot of ways.
It's a big enough crush that it really bothers me, and makes me feel really bad, so I don't need anyone saying "don't worry it'll pass", or "it's normal". That won't help me.

What does everyone else think? Anyone else have a problem like this? I just need some Christian support from people who understand.
Thanks for your help.

Oh boy do I understand, I'm also a newly wed somewhat we have been married a year and a half but we have a 1yr old and right at this very moment I have been haveing some hard times with this seduation but no with his brother but with another guy. But just today My cousin called to talk to me about this seduation she is the only person in my life that knows about this and she called and brought up a very good point. Did you ever experanced any PPD after haveing your baby, if not then this still could be it because your young. My case I had PPD and am young, She told me that I'm in a part of my life where if I wasn't married and didn't have a kid I would be in my "Party" days or social days and now that we are mothers at a young age and not to mention wives we feel traped and are at the point where we just THINK we want to drop that we have on our plate and run into someone elses arms because either there not tied down or because its just a desire to be free. But we are not free we are married women and both of us (talking to my self too) need to just take a step back and look at what God has already givin us and look at that precious child you had with your wonderful man then look at this other man your talking about here and ask your self, "If I was to run with him where would it get me." I'll tell us both, NO WHERE MISERABLE and we will lose our childeren and the one man that we love with all of our hearts thats where. I'll keep you in my prayers and I ask that you do the same for me.

God bless you.

Sascha Fitzpatrick · Nov 5, 2004

I'm not married (so ignore this if you wish

), but someone once told me that when you find yourself being SERIOUSLY attracted to another man other than your hubby, it's often because subconsciously you've been missing something from your marriage, so if someone else provides that particular 'lack', your attention will (naturally) fall to that person.

I guess I'm suggesting you pray and ask God to reveal to you what it is exactly that you're finding is missing from your marriage, and how to have it become a consistency in your marriage.

Maybe some of the other married women in here can give some feedback about what I've said up above, and possibly give you more suggestions on what to do.

I would be very careful sharing your feelings with your hubby (men are normally FAR more jealous than women when it comes to attraction to another guy), but I would suggest saying something like you are feeling distanced from your hubby and would like you and him to have some quality time together to help in growing intimacy.

Just a thought - as I said, I'm still not married, so I could be way off base here!

Sasch

childoftheking · Nov 5, 2004

I have never had such feelings for anybody else other than my husband, but I will try to give you some advice anyway. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 4 years now, and I still find other guys attractive but at the same time I don't allow myself to fall into that attraction. It is vital that you concentrate on the wonderful man that God gave you, and your beautiful baby. Satan is trying to steal your family, but he cannot steal what you don't allow him to steal. Keep your guard up at all times! You must ask God to take away your desires for your husbands brother. Read what God has to say about marriage in His word, it will give you strength. I would also advise you to get a babysitter and create a special night for just the two of you, and take a trip down memory lane with him, talk about your first date, first kiss, etc. It's important to go on dates with your husband to keep the spark there. I will be praying for you.

tigger2004 · Nov 5, 2004

I been married for a short time now I am loving it.We have are up and downs but I truely love him so much. God Bless

SkyeBlue8 · Nov 5, 2004

Thanks everyone who's replied so far! Lots of good stuff to say.
Sethsmommy, we have so much in common, I'd love to talk via email if you don't mind. Just let me know! I think what you said about post partum depression is a big thing, that may be what the problem is. Because I haven't started feeling this way until after I'd been married for maybe a couple months. And after the baby I really didn't experience any kind of depression. This could be another version of it! Geez I thought I was nuts or something. It was just odd how this came on me all of a sudden. Sure it could be partly Satan, maybe enhancing it somehow and making it worse, but it could also be me too. Well, I know part is me! I do all of a sudden have a strong desire to be free agin, only cuz I'm young, and feel that I've missed out on life. I'm officially tied down so all the fun stuff is over.
Believe me, I know that pursuing my brother in law is NOT an option...I'd screw up what I have, and what I have makes me very happy! My husband really is wonderful, it's just that, my brother in law is a bit more of an intellectual than my husband, and he's a bit more chivalrous, and I love both of those things. Because I found myself wanting to be free, and I finally admitted to myself that I thought my brother in law was attractive, well the two joined to become a problem.

I'm not sure if I should tell him. I might tell him. He'll be hurt, I know, but I don't feel right keeping this secret. I'll think about when to tell him. If he was having this problem, I'd want him to tell me.

But trust me I wouldn't act on this, I just need to get rid of my desire to fantasize in my head, and stuff like that, cuz I know that stuff is totally wrong.

Well I'll be working on this, I'll post again sometime soon.

Melbelle · Nov 5, 2004

SkyeBlue8 said:
Thanks everyone who's replied so far! Lots of good stuff to say.
Sethsmommy, we have so much in common, I'd love to talk via email if you don't mind. Just let me know! I think what you said about post partum depression is a big thing, that may be what the problem is. Because I haven't started feeling this way until after I'd been married for maybe a couple months. And after the baby I really didn't experience any kind of depression. This could be another version of it! Geez I thought I was nuts or something. It was just odd how this came on me all of a sudden. Sure it could be partly Satan, maybe enhancing it somehow and making it worse, but it could also be me too. Well, I know part is me! I do all of a sudden have a strong desire to be free agin, only cuz I'm young, and feel that I've missed out on life. I'm officially tied down so all the fun stuff is over.
Believe me, I know that pursuing my brother in law is NOT an option...I'd screw up what I have, and what I have makes me very happy! My husband really is wonderful, it's just that, my brother in law is a bit more of an intellectual than my husband, and he's a bit more chivalrous, and I love both of those things. Because I found myself wanting to be free, and I finally admitted to myself that I thought my brother in law was attractive, well the two joined to become a problem.

I'm not sure if I should tell him. I might tell him. He'll be hurt, I know, but I don't feel right keeping this secret. I'll think about when to tell him. If he was having this problem, I'd want him to tell me.

But trust me I wouldn't act on this, I just need to get rid of my desire to fantasize in my head, and stuff like that, cuz I know that stuff is totally wrong.

Well I'll be working on this, I'll post again sometime soon.

Hey I would love to talk with you, maybe we can get some kind of buddy systom up and going for like when we feel at our lowest in this seduation. I think maybe that would help us. If you want you can pm me let me know if you have either msn messanger or yahoo we can chit chat there if you want. Me and a few women from the WD (womens discussion) forum go to yahoo chat almost everyday and have a great christian time in there and that seems to help alot to feel a bit more freer if your anything like me then your cooped up in the house 24/7 with a baby and feel like you can't ever get out. I have no car so I'm home all the time. So if you ever just want to chit chat just let me know. If you ever want someone to call on the phone to cry too let me know and I"ll give you my number and what ever else. :hug:

I know how you feel trust me.

Melissa

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