If I cannot be saved, I think I may know why. I won’t let go of myself and my pride. I’ve sought salvation for over ten years. I appreciate especially Idonjohn’s posts in response to my posts, because he says he has had the same struggle as me. He says he had several miserable years in which he would pray, then doubt, then pray, then doubt, in a repeating cycle. He would ask himself things like, ‘Did I really repent? Did I mean it when I told God I would serve Him the rest of my life?’ etc. It is the same with me. Idonjohn says that one night, he gave up seeking assurance of salvation and prayed to God, ‘Show me how to believe.’ He says that was the turning point. He says as he studied his Bible over the next couple of days, the Holy Spirit showed him that he was going to be saved by what Jesus did on the cross, not by anything he had done or could do. He says then he acquired the peace of God. That was over 40 years ago and he’s been at peace, since. He says he cannot explain or describe the peace of God to someone who does not have it.
Idonjohn’s several miserable years make it seem like he had religious OCD, like I do. But OCD is a lifelong, neurological/physiological ailment and the experts who give advice on it say that sufferers should not expect it to go away, but should learn how to manage it. Idonjohn having been at peace for 40 years makes it sound like no way he has OCD.
In my seeking of salvation, I have recently, among other things, gone over in my head what Idonjohn said. The part about asking God to show him how to believe and the Holy Spirit’s revelation to him. But going over that does not give me assurance of salvation any more than anything else I try. I have, on a number of occasions, decided, “This is it. I am now going to seek salvation all out, full time, to the exclusion of everything else, until I know I am in the Kingdom of God.” Then I plan to take all day or days or weeks seeking, until I find. This usually ends with my being sure I am saved. But after I get assured, doubt shortly creeps in again and I doubt I am saved. This is the OCD pattern. Grantley Morris has some websites for Christians with OCD. I have written to him and he has written me back a few times. One point at which I became temporarily assured of salvation was after reading an email from him on the 11th of this month. But, as always, the assurance did not last. Maybe I need to address this as an OCD issue, not a salvation issue. Or maybe I’m not really saved.
Many people get saved in a moment. I’ve been at it for over 10 years and still can’t seem to get it right. One thing I theorize is that, in my heart of hearts, I am so tightly clinging to self and to pride that all of my seeking of salvation is really a sham. Maybe God sees me reading my Bible, praying, striving for that moment of salvation, including by repeating relevant Bible verses over and over, but maybe He also sees that at the center of my heart of hearts is an idol: me. That was what I read one time as an explanation for the rich young ruler’s problem. The guy who walked sadly away from Jesus.
Because of my repeated doubts, I feel ready to set out to seek salvation full time again, to make sure I enter the Kingdom and never doubt again, afterward. If other people get saved in a moment, can’t I get saved in the next two hours? Or days? Or whatever? But I’ve set out on this quest at other times previous. The result is always the same, in the long run: doubt.
Idonjohn’s several miserable years make it seem like he had religious OCD, like I do. But OCD is a lifelong, neurological/physiological ailment and the experts who give advice on it say that sufferers should not expect it to go away, but should learn how to manage it. Idonjohn having been at peace for 40 years makes it sound like no way he has OCD.
In my seeking of salvation, I have recently, among other things, gone over in my head what Idonjohn said. The part about asking God to show him how to believe and the Holy Spirit’s revelation to him. But going over that does not give me assurance of salvation any more than anything else I try. I have, on a number of occasions, decided, “This is it. I am now going to seek salvation all out, full time, to the exclusion of everything else, until I know I am in the Kingdom of God.” Then I plan to take all day or days or weeks seeking, until I find. This usually ends with my being sure I am saved. But after I get assured, doubt shortly creeps in again and I doubt I am saved. This is the OCD pattern. Grantley Morris has some websites for Christians with OCD. I have written to him and he has written me back a few times. One point at which I became temporarily assured of salvation was after reading an email from him on the 11th of this month. But, as always, the assurance did not last. Maybe I need to address this as an OCD issue, not a salvation issue. Or maybe I’m not really saved.
Many people get saved in a moment. I’ve been at it for over 10 years and still can’t seem to get it right. One thing I theorize is that, in my heart of hearts, I am so tightly clinging to self and to pride that all of my seeking of salvation is really a sham. Maybe God sees me reading my Bible, praying, striving for that moment of salvation, including by repeating relevant Bible verses over and over, but maybe He also sees that at the center of my heart of hearts is an idol: me. That was what I read one time as an explanation for the rich young ruler’s problem. The guy who walked sadly away from Jesus.
Because of my repeated doubts, I feel ready to set out to seek salvation full time again, to make sure I enter the Kingdom and never doubt again, afterward. If other people get saved in a moment, can’t I get saved in the next two hours? Or days? Or whatever? But I’ve set out on this quest at other times previous. The result is always the same, in the long run: doubt.
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