- Mar 11, 2019
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My struggle with tenderness and mercy
“You remember, when Mary Magdalene had told Me of her sins, she stopped to ask, ‘After that, can I be forgiven?’ I assured her and she went on. But once again she stopped and asked, ‘For this too, may I still hope to be forgiven?’ ‘Yes,’ I assured her. Then when all her past had been laid at My feet, she wept from pure love-gratitude, understanding My infinite compassion. Understanding a little, that is. For it is not in you to grasp the infinite. “Love to be blind, since it is I who am leading you.”
Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (Kindle Locations 1352-1356). Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition.
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I am neither a man who is naturally tender, nor compassionate. I have often spoken of how I feel that my heart is more stone-like than fleshy. That is because love heals the heart, hence, I can just by some misplaced instinct, protect myself from this pain that love brings with it. Sometimes I just want to give up, but grace will not let me. While it is true that we are always free to choose our path, it can become harder to go against grace than to actually refuse it. That is because of the Lord’s compassion for all of us.
When I read the above quote from the book “He and I”, something broke in me, but even then I did not know what to do with it. I think my problem, well one of them, is that I still have not learned to simply let it be. Over the many decades of my life, with its up and downs, and turns around (sounds like a square dance), the Lord has always known when to actually ‘force’ tenderness upon me, as if I am a really stubborn child, fearful, and in need of a gentle reminder of whom I am dealing with.
I do not understand the mercy of God, since I am not merciful, towards myself, nor others. It is grace that allows this when over and over again the Lord wounds my heart with a gentle touch of tenderness. I am hungry for the Lord’s touch, yet fearful at the same time. My inner life is a Gordian-Knot that only the Lord can untangle from a deep hidden place. All I need do is to keep open and to put it bluntly, just get through the day.
The quote/cliché “One day at a time” can actually be a powerful tool to stay on the path. It can also be helpful when the path is walked away from. All we need do is to get back up and continue. Why? Because we do not understand, nor comprehend, the mercy and compassion of God. He fills in for my every lacking with his gift of Infinite-Tenderness-and Love.
I have slowly over the years learned not to believe my negative personalities that live in my unconscious. Nor my angry voices, or vengeful ones. I place them all in the Heart of our God.
One day I was having an unusual strong inner storm, and fighting deep anger that comes from deep within, with all of the images. So I got out of the boat, stepped on the waves, and just looked to Jesus. He is always there with arms open welcoming me. When I sink, he brings me back up. This time, it became very obvious that what I needed to do is in this inner landscape, with all of the tapes, with people in them, with all the pain that they bring, is to bring the compassion of Christ into my inner world. All the people there need my compassion, and in that, I will heal quicker, for self-love and compassion, which comes through the mercy of Christ, needs to be consciously applied. Yes, I had to choose.
Compassion towards self, leads to deeper compassion for others, for while each of is unique, we have the commonality of these painful experiences. When St. Paul said that “It is not I, but Christ who lives in me” he was speaking of reality, not some abstract theological idea, but something incarnational, real. All that is needed is a seeking heart, no matter who one is, or what they believe, just have an open seeking heart.
My biggest temptation is to give up out of being weary, but again the Lord steps in and picks me up. I can still choose, but as the journey continues, my trust in the Lord deepens, and ever so slowly I am starting to understanding, a little, the compassion and love of God. We Christians, I believe, do not yet understand the fullness, the depth of God’s love for all. Though there are no doubt many exception. I not being one of them.
So friends, never give up, no matter how deep you think you have fallen, the Lord is always there giving encouragement, hope, and with us in our struggles and sufferings.-Br.MD
