I waiver back and forth between thinking I'm saved and thinking I'm not saved. I have discussed some of this problem in my post, "Salvation is always just a step away." I have believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ since sixth grade (when I first asked Jesus into my heart) and now I am 63 years old. In about tenth grade, a friend asked me, "If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to ask you, 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' what would you answer?" I said that I would say that in sixth grade, I tried to ask Jesus into my heart, and I asked my friend, "Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?" He answered, "You would be on VERY shaky ground." In a certain sense, that was the beginning of my believing that I am on shaky ground with Jesus, and that understanding of being on shaky ground has continued all my life since then.
I recall a later meeting with the same friend when he told me I have to give my life to Christ. At the moment he said that, I had NO heart desire to give my life to Christ, NO trust in Christ at all. A big part of my problem was the witness of my older brother, who has claimed to be a Christian for forty-plus years. As the Bible says, a prophet is not accepted in his home town. I knew (and know) my brother's foibles. Because I have at least one mental disorder - OCD - I feel free to mention that my brother has had mental problems, as well. When he first became a Christian and started talking about Christianity stuff, we, all in the family, thought his Christianity stuff was just more craziness like what we had been seeing in him. Looking at my brother, I had no desire for my life to be like his. I will say that he has come a long way. He has had the power of Jesus to guide him, not psychiatrists/psychologists or medication. Whereas I go to a psychiatrist and take medication for my OCD. But when, in tenth grade, i was challenged to give my life to Christ, I'm sure it is my view of my brother that helped me to have NO trust in Christ nor desire to give Him my life. At that moment, I heard a kind of voice in my head saying, as to giving my life to Christ, "You don't have to." I knew then and I know now whose voice that was. I whole heartedly jumped on that advice of Satan's at that moment. I cried at that moment, because of the conflict within. After that, I started attending church with my brother and our mutual friend who had told me that I had to give my life to Christ.
I will say that not only has my brother improved over the decades, but I have learned enough about Christianity to know why I should trust Christ, regardless of what my brother is like or has been like. But most of the time between tenth grade and now, I understood that I am not a Christian and am not heading for heaven. Then, ten years ago, after my mother died (whether or not she or my dad became believers in their last hours, I do not know), I began seeking salvation full time. At some point it, with the help of my OCD, became so dominant in my life that I was basically at seeking salvation 24/7, and was dysfunctional, and could to nothing else but seek salvation.
The whole time that I definitely understood myself to not be a Christian, I was abhorrent to the idea of being born again. Gospel tracts sometimes say, "God has a wonderful plan for your life." Not only was it hard for me to really believe that, but, of my own accord, *I* have a wonderful plan for my life. Much more wonderful than the plan of life that my brother has followed. In any case, I have viewed being born again as being unbearably squashed. Part of the problem is my pride/ego. I have viewed my pride and ego as being, intrinsically, ME. To crush my pride is to crush ME. And I don't want to be crushed. But then I read in the Bible, "Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will lift you up." Though pride is the key sin and "God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble," God's past, present and future plans for Mankind are glorious. Man is the crown of the natural creation. The apostle Paul in the New Testament talks about the glory to come which we will share with the King of Kings, Jesus Christ. Seeing that God has plans like that for us, should make me be willing to humble myself under the mighty hand of God.
But my main problem is the problem of all of us: I have inherited an evil, sinful nature from Adam and Eve. Whether along with pride or not, this nature makes me distrust God and pulls me away from God, along with Satan and his activities. Along with the world. Along with what was the terrible witness of my brother in my earlier years. So, i have a deep distrust of God and His will. I know enough at the intellectual level to know I should NOT distrust God, but in my heart is the hideous strength of sin.
I have all day, every day, been giving my life to Christ, then immediately doubting I meant it, doubting that I'm saved, and so giving my life to Christ again, for ten years or longer. The last part of the responses to my post, "Salvation is always just a step away," is a discussion between two Christians about becoming a Christian. Part of that discussion is about the efficacy of "sinner's prayer" salvations. I have read people who diss the sinner's prayer. One said, 'No where in the Bible does it say you have to pray a prayer to be saved. It says you have to believe.' In considering that assertion, I go to two passages in the Bible in particular. One is in the gospel of John. A man, whose son was dying of an illness in another town, came to Jesus and asked Him to come and heal his son. Jesus said, "Unless you people see signs and wonders, you will by no means believe." The man implored Jesus again to come and heal his son. Jesus said, "Your son lives." The man returned home. On the way (as I recall), his servants met him and told him the illness had left his son. He asked them when he got healed. They said, 'Yesterday at the seventh hour [about one in the afternoon] the fever left him. Then the man realized that this was the same hour at which Jesus had said, "Your son lives." John says, "Then he believed and his whole household."
The other Bible passage I go to when considering the assertion that the Bible says not to say a prayer but believe, is also in John, where it says "...these [things] are written that you might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you might have life in His name."
I go and look up at Jesus and repeat the verse, "Then he believed and his whole household," and repeat the verse about having life in His name. Then I try to believe with saving faith, and to believe I have life in His name.
A couple days ago, I was sure I was saved for awhile. On another website about, by and for Christians with OCD, one poster lists several recommended books. With two of the books, the poster warns that they can produce doubts about salvation. One of these two is Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis. I have read that twice. I would add a third book to the list of books which can generate doubts about salvation. This is My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. This is a devotional with a devotion for each day of the 365 day year. The friend who gave it to me said that it is for the mature Christian. If I've always just got saved five minutes ago, then I am not a mature Christian! The book is written to challenge Christians; along the way, it certainly challenges non-Christians! I stopped reading it for years because it seems the author always has something negative to say. One time, some weeks back when I thought I had just been saved, I started reading it again. I have kept reading it daily since then. The day after I was temporarily (again) sure of my salvation was Sunday, July 11th. The Oswald Chambers reading for that day (July 11th) said that a "spiritual saint" does not go after self-realization, but Christ realization. He said that self-realization enthrones work [along with Self] but the spiritual saint enthrones Christ in his/her work. When I think I'm saved, I set about a certain agenda of mine, a certain daily schedule of activity. Effectively, I start working to carry out that "wonderful plan for my life" that I have, hoping it's in God's will and accepting that God can change my plans as He wishes. When I think I'm not saved, I drop the plans/agenda, and return to full-time seeking salvation. That's what happened after the July 11 Oswald Chambers reading. I realized that my plans are motivated by a desire for self realization more than a desire to do God's will, more than a desire for Christ realization. That made me doubt my "sure" salvation. As I said, Oswald Chamber's book is one that can generate doubts about one's salvation! Later, Sunday morning, my church's online service had a sermon on Romans 5. It made salvation so desirable, I started asking, for the n-hundredth time, "What must I do to be saved?" The pastor giving the sermon put it succinctly: surrender to Christ. Then I started repeatedly going over verses in Romans 5, and other verses, and have been doing that since, all in seeking salvation.
i believe in salvation in a moment. That is solidly biblical. But that is one incredible moment! They say that a believer's life will evidence good works. What an OCD believer's life will evidence is repeated or continual doubt about his/her salvation, and repeated or continuing attempts to be saved. The question is, is the OCD person doubting their salvation because of their OCD, or because they are not really saved?
I think of myself as an honest person. Not to speak too soon, nor to ignore the biblical assertion, "Let God be true and every man a liar." But I think if I just keep being honest to God and myself and others about what I actually think is true, including what is true about me, even if that means I know I am heading for hell, then maybe that awareness will someday motivate me to change something in me, which will cause the truth about me and my destiny to become actually good.
Is being born again like being unbearably crushed? That does not seem to be the case from what the Bible and believers say. But it involves some change from living for one's self to living for Christ. THAT is one incredible change, even though it can occur in a moment.
I recall a later meeting with the same friend when he told me I have to give my life to Christ. At the moment he said that, I had NO heart desire to give my life to Christ, NO trust in Christ at all. A big part of my problem was the witness of my older brother, who has claimed to be a Christian for forty-plus years. As the Bible says, a prophet is not accepted in his home town. I knew (and know) my brother's foibles. Because I have at least one mental disorder - OCD - I feel free to mention that my brother has had mental problems, as well. When he first became a Christian and started talking about Christianity stuff, we, all in the family, thought his Christianity stuff was just more craziness like what we had been seeing in him. Looking at my brother, I had no desire for my life to be like his. I will say that he has come a long way. He has had the power of Jesus to guide him, not psychiatrists/psychologists or medication. Whereas I go to a psychiatrist and take medication for my OCD. But when, in tenth grade, i was challenged to give my life to Christ, I'm sure it is my view of my brother that helped me to have NO trust in Christ nor desire to give Him my life. At that moment, I heard a kind of voice in my head saying, as to giving my life to Christ, "You don't have to." I knew then and I know now whose voice that was. I whole heartedly jumped on that advice of Satan's at that moment. I cried at that moment, because of the conflict within. After that, I started attending church with my brother and our mutual friend who had told me that I had to give my life to Christ.
I will say that not only has my brother improved over the decades, but I have learned enough about Christianity to know why I should trust Christ, regardless of what my brother is like or has been like. But most of the time between tenth grade and now, I understood that I am not a Christian and am not heading for heaven. Then, ten years ago, after my mother died (whether or not she or my dad became believers in their last hours, I do not know), I began seeking salvation full time. At some point it, with the help of my OCD, became so dominant in my life that I was basically at seeking salvation 24/7, and was dysfunctional, and could to nothing else but seek salvation.
The whole time that I definitely understood myself to not be a Christian, I was abhorrent to the idea of being born again. Gospel tracts sometimes say, "God has a wonderful plan for your life." Not only was it hard for me to really believe that, but, of my own accord, *I* have a wonderful plan for my life. Much more wonderful than the plan of life that my brother has followed. In any case, I have viewed being born again as being unbearably squashed. Part of the problem is my pride/ego. I have viewed my pride and ego as being, intrinsically, ME. To crush my pride is to crush ME. And I don't want to be crushed. But then I read in the Bible, "Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and He will lift you up." Though pride is the key sin and "God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble," God's past, present and future plans for Mankind are glorious. Man is the crown of the natural creation. The apostle Paul in the New Testament talks about the glory to come which we will share with the King of Kings, Jesus Christ. Seeing that God has plans like that for us, should make me be willing to humble myself under the mighty hand of God.
But my main problem is the problem of all of us: I have inherited an evil, sinful nature from Adam and Eve. Whether along with pride or not, this nature makes me distrust God and pulls me away from God, along with Satan and his activities. Along with the world. Along with what was the terrible witness of my brother in my earlier years. So, i have a deep distrust of God and His will. I know enough at the intellectual level to know I should NOT distrust God, but in my heart is the hideous strength of sin.
I have all day, every day, been giving my life to Christ, then immediately doubting I meant it, doubting that I'm saved, and so giving my life to Christ again, for ten years or longer. The last part of the responses to my post, "Salvation is always just a step away," is a discussion between two Christians about becoming a Christian. Part of that discussion is about the efficacy of "sinner's prayer" salvations. I have read people who diss the sinner's prayer. One said, 'No where in the Bible does it say you have to pray a prayer to be saved. It says you have to believe.' In considering that assertion, I go to two passages in the Bible in particular. One is in the gospel of John. A man, whose son was dying of an illness in another town, came to Jesus and asked Him to come and heal his son. Jesus said, "Unless you people see signs and wonders, you will by no means believe." The man implored Jesus again to come and heal his son. Jesus said, "Your son lives." The man returned home. On the way (as I recall), his servants met him and told him the illness had left his son. He asked them when he got healed. They said, 'Yesterday at the seventh hour [about one in the afternoon] the fever left him. Then the man realized that this was the same hour at which Jesus had said, "Your son lives." John says, "Then he believed and his whole household."
The other Bible passage I go to when considering the assertion that the Bible says not to say a prayer but believe, is also in John, where it says "...these [things] are written that you might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you might have life in His name."
I go and look up at Jesus and repeat the verse, "Then he believed and his whole household," and repeat the verse about having life in His name. Then I try to believe with saving faith, and to believe I have life in His name.
A couple days ago, I was sure I was saved for awhile. On another website about, by and for Christians with OCD, one poster lists several recommended books. With two of the books, the poster warns that they can produce doubts about salvation. One of these two is Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis. I have read that twice. I would add a third book to the list of books which can generate doubts about salvation. This is My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. This is a devotional with a devotion for each day of the 365 day year. The friend who gave it to me said that it is for the mature Christian. If I've always just got saved five minutes ago, then I am not a mature Christian! The book is written to challenge Christians; along the way, it certainly challenges non-Christians! I stopped reading it for years because it seems the author always has something negative to say. One time, some weeks back when I thought I had just been saved, I started reading it again. I have kept reading it daily since then. The day after I was temporarily (again) sure of my salvation was Sunday, July 11th. The Oswald Chambers reading for that day (July 11th) said that a "spiritual saint" does not go after self-realization, but Christ realization. He said that self-realization enthrones work [along with Self] but the spiritual saint enthrones Christ in his/her work. When I think I'm saved, I set about a certain agenda of mine, a certain daily schedule of activity. Effectively, I start working to carry out that "wonderful plan for my life" that I have, hoping it's in God's will and accepting that God can change my plans as He wishes. When I think I'm not saved, I drop the plans/agenda, and return to full-time seeking salvation. That's what happened after the July 11 Oswald Chambers reading. I realized that my plans are motivated by a desire for self realization more than a desire to do God's will, more than a desire for Christ realization. That made me doubt my "sure" salvation. As I said, Oswald Chamber's book is one that can generate doubts about one's salvation! Later, Sunday morning, my church's online service had a sermon on Romans 5. It made salvation so desirable, I started asking, for the n-hundredth time, "What must I do to be saved?" The pastor giving the sermon put it succinctly: surrender to Christ. Then I started repeatedly going over verses in Romans 5, and other verses, and have been doing that since, all in seeking salvation.
i believe in salvation in a moment. That is solidly biblical. But that is one incredible moment! They say that a believer's life will evidence good works. What an OCD believer's life will evidence is repeated or continual doubt about his/her salvation, and repeated or continuing attempts to be saved. The question is, is the OCD person doubting their salvation because of their OCD, or because they are not really saved?
I think of myself as an honest person. Not to speak too soon, nor to ignore the biblical assertion, "Let God be true and every man a liar." But I think if I just keep being honest to God and myself and others about what I actually think is true, including what is true about me, even if that means I know I am heading for hell, then maybe that awareness will someday motivate me to change something in me, which will cause the truth about me and my destiny to become actually good.
Is being born again like being unbearably crushed? That does not seem to be the case from what the Bible and believers say. But it involves some change from living for one's self to living for Christ. THAT is one incredible change, even though it can occur in a moment.
