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Thank you for sharing your thoughtsHi The Narrow Way, lovely topic
I've managed to make great strides from a cynical, nihilistic perspective to a healthy optimism. I had philosophical angst from an early age due in part to being bullied and in part to having a negative mindset/affect.
For example, I used to think that since everything and everyone goes through pain and death painted a picture for an impotent or twisted Creator. I've since learned to see pain as being a signal for growth and not just a sign that something is wrong or amiss. Death too isn't a loss if Heaven awaits. I also couldn't stand that there were things I deeply wanted such as a great intellect, that I wasn't blessed with, so this painted for me a picture of a cruel, domineering Creator, because how could an all-knowing God want me to look elsewhere instead, never being able to stand for not having a chance for great intellect and great contributions to society. Things went further south for me after all that I did to try to develop/earn a great intellect, I was cursed with schizophrenia - an often neuro-degenerative disease.
These things were for me primarily born out of a sense of compensatory entitlement for the suffering I endured - "A kind of justice for being weird and touched in the head and bullied for it - weird but extremely smart instead of weird and average or deficient," I would think to myself. I'm not sure of what good God wanted to come from the trials and disappointments I've endured. I expected post-traumatic growth but never knew how to grow from trauma and was never taught, instead getting mental illness.
I've learned to no longer allow the past to define me and let insult on me be more or less like drawing a line in water, but still, I'll be darned if that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from my trials. Sure would have helped it someone taught that to me in my childhood. I'll be darned if there ever any kind of lesson I was supposed to learn from that - I would never want a lesson that involved growth being retarded by trials and trauma severe enough to do that. That kind of lesson by pain isn't important to me, no lesson by the kind of pain that retards instead of fertilizing future growth is important to me because 100/100 times I would have chosen a life or being a "clay pot for the potter" where the pain didn't set me back (severely as in retarding growth). I've always wanted to grow, grow, grow until I accomplish great things, but life has denied, denied, denied me. Even though the Bible says that great reward is in store for suffering for Christ's sake (as I probably have), life and the deck of cards I've been handed has hardened my heart, because I don't cozy up with the idea of being put through the meat grinder even if because what's on the other side is Heaven.
When all is said and done, I don't know what kind of answer God could give me that would make all the suffering and disappointment (instead of the life I would have wanted) worth it, but I will not be putting the cart before the horse and be bitter towards this all-wise, "God is love" God before He has had an opportunity to present His case. Who knows, maybe any lingering angst with this will completely disappear before then if I keep doing my best, to where I won't be arrogantly demanding God answer to me.
Writing these things is easy for me, formulating how I am at peace now despite it is difficult. Perhaps I'm more at peace now because I know how bad it is for that mindset of mine to have driven me to hate and openly blaspheme God, seeking the lake of fire over anything positive coming out of my life because I didn't have what I wanted and got what I didn't want. I mean, it's God we're talking about, who can instruct, contend with, or rebuke God? So, I have learned to look out for (strong) negative emotions, especially resentment and bitterness, and push those emotions and associated thoughts out of me, not letting them have power. I've re-programmed myself to be more mindful and not feed off and give power to these negative mental thought-emotion loops. At the least, I'd rather leave the Earth and my soul a better place than I found it and not allow a nurtured bitter root defile many.
. Have you ever heard of a Dr. Neil Nedley? I've been having to do alot of computer work lately, the mechanical kind, where I can work and listen to something at the same time, so I've had the opportunity to listen to several lectures by him. He's a Christian and an expert on the mind and I've learned alot from him..... Here's a link to one of his lectures.....I hope you find it a real blessing....
! It was very interesting and enlightening seeing the 10 commandments summarized in one-word key terms and linked to the 10 cognitive distortions. ! Seeing how there is so much (infinite) wisdom in the scriptures that only gets revealed more and more as time passes is really a beautiful aspect of the Word of God.
SO glad to see you found it a blessing...I listened to several more lectures from him today...he has helped so many people from a purely Christian perspective! Check out his other lectures, too!My goodness, I had no idea mental illness was so prevalent in college. Watching the video you posted (and the second part) has been the highlight of my year (even longer most likely) and really helped bolster my faith too where I have struggled to believe
I definitely agree with the preacher that emotional intelligence is very important for mental health. I've made a lot of progress with the symptoms of my mental illness by being able to manage, say, paranoia or frustration. Leading up to and especially during psychosis, I had very strong emotions that were controlling me and fueled the delusions (because the emotions seemed so real and true instead of just being information with the only truth of it being that they were trying to signal me something in regards to what I was thinking). It's a shame that grade school doesn't teach emotional intelligence, grade school is structured just to make factory/business worker drones and cares little about developing individuals, something I unconsciously internally fought fervently against and that I am/was diametrically opposed to in my quest for self-actualization.
I had problems with religious rebellion (like the prodigal son) and self absorption and still have problems with unforgiveness of being that way from trauma. I've always wanted to be a model person for God, but with all the bigger-than-I-can-handle trauma piled on top of me throughout the years, I instead resented God for allowing that to happen. Yes, I blame my selfishness both on trauma and social difficulties from high-functioning autism that naturally prevented me from connecting with others and thus being more self-absorbed, and from not being taught but instead hurt. If I didn't hurt and had a better understanding of the correct way to be, then I wouldn't have had pain of self driving for my attention.
Reflecting back, the only lesson childhood trauma has taught me is that if only I had allowed myself to be mean and tougher, then I could have done the standing up to / instant karma / revenge necessary to stop the abusive people in their tracks. I thought about the trauma like "water off a duck's back," stick and stones break no bones... I did my absolute best to forgive instantly and let people walk over me out of love and a desire to be good and Christlike, but that didn't make the bullies any nicer, and, unbeknownst to me until it happened, the cumulative trauma of my childhood likely germinated the seeds of the mental illness that cost me brain cells, what extra giftedness/intelligence I had, and moving forward in life and career. When that happened, I went from forgiveness to unforgiveness. I'm still confused with the best approach to affronts from others, but that hasn't been a problem since grade school. Is forgiveness and total pacifism the best and right way to approach enemies?
I've wrestled with the fact that life isn't fair, because I was blessed with less. If I was blessed with more and had the intelligence and good childhood I wanted, I would have enjoyed the unfairness of life but been a saint about it anyway, and back then it would be a slam-dunk that God could have had me, no bitterness or resentment toward Him for the hand of cards He dealt me.
However, removed from that bad bullying environment and active psychosis that eventually followed, I've had time to think more clearly and see things as making good out of my life and not necessarily focusing on making good from the trauma I hated. For a good while I have been becoming more informed, so I might as well work on being unselfish instead of still carrying unforgiveness for the injustices God allowed in my past. I think the lion share of selfishness I've been able to deal with and hence have few emotional and mental health difficulties, but still it shows with this new desire for possessions.
Interestingly, a recent psychosis itself provided a perspective, false and delusion-fueled but still a very good simulation, about having more. It must have been a strong delusion from God for my bitter rebellion against Him back then. I learned with great power came great responsibility, a burden I could not shoulder. I felt and feel much more comfortable and happy having an easy life with little responsibility and freedom to pursue the hobbies and activities I've desired.
Thanks again for the support and videos. I wish I could have connected this post to the videos more, but the videos really helped with my Christian faith and belief in the scriptures
God Bless!
. Thanks again !
