I'll bite.
I have no defenses or walls.
I'm worried I am just uncapable of loving Jesus 100% (as commanded in Matthew 22:37-38), because He is male. I've always struggled with the idea of "Jesus is sufficient", because He is male.
People say they won't want to see anything but His face and talk about His beauty, but I cannot see males as beautiful. So because it's a male face, I imagine tiring of seeing it rather quickly, I prefer a female face, or animals, or nature, virtually anything but a male human face.
It can have all kinds of "glory" and light shows and auras and all that, but when it boils down to it, it's a male, humanoid face. I lose interest quickly.
John 14:8-9
8 Philip saith unto him, Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us.
9 Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Show us the Father?
So what do I expect God to look like? A Jewish man.
He can create the entire universe and recreate it but ultimately.. if what I see is a Jewish Man's face.. that doesn't captivate me for eternity.
If hypothetically speaking, Jesus was female, that issue would immediately dissolve, I'd expect the most beautiful face beyond what I could imagine even, something more beautiful than anything in nature, something that actually captivated me and I'd never tire of.
a male face.... doesn't even register as beautiful at all. A male face, has no beauty.
Similarly, intimacy, people say oh don't worry about never being married you'll have intimacy with Jesus... great.. cause that's not emasculating or anything..
Virtually impossible for me to desire intimacy with another male.
In the hypothetical situation where Jesus was female? There'd be nothing but desire to be totally intimate.
But being male? Instant loss of any physical desire, it's like even the thought of hugging Jesus has to come with the 3 slaps on the back to signal *slap* "we're" *slap* "not" *slap* "gay".
So because I can't love Him like that Jesus becomes insufficent for all my desires. I want Jesus AND other things. Which I know, is the most unspiritual thing ever we're all just supposed to stare at Jesus and feel totally fulfilled.
So you want flawed and imperfect thoughts, there you go, that's the thoughts I wrestle with, and they're pretty damning.
