- Nov 26, 2019
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Hey!
Just dropping a few lines on a whim after lurking around the boards for quite some time. I'm 39 years old from Stuttgart, Germany and currently "studying" nursing (technically it's an apprenticeship in Germany) having worked in the IT sector for more than ten years.
I was brought up in a largely atheist or at least sceptical home. But since a mate of mine took me along to confirmation class when I was around 14 years old, I became interested in religion. For much of my life however I've been rather confused about what to believe in. When I was 22 I officially joined the local Lutheran church. In the following years I grew somewhat disenchanted with the faith, read lots of critical literature (Dawkins, Hitchens) and subsequently identified as a (fairly stout) atheist. Fast forward a few years I faced some personal challenges, health problems mainly. This reignited my interest in (or maybe need for) spirituality. It was then that I finally stumbled across a religious tradition that made complete sense to me and somthing that I could completely identify with, namely Buddhism. More specifically I studied and practised Vipassana meditation in the context of the Theravada tradition. This is something that helped me immensely and I still have a very close connection and deeply felt gratitude for this philosophy and spiritual practice.
Yet, I feel like something is missing and have been feeling this way for a few years now. As many things of my personal issues and spiritual needs Buddhism answers, there is always the ultimate question of God that it doesn't resolve or even address. And this is a source of dissatisfaction that has been nagging at me for quite a while.
I still feel connected to protestantism and Methodism espacially so (I have read lots of books about the history of the United Methodist Church, Arminian theology and John Wesley). But there is a major obstacle that I don't really know how to deal with: I feel like I don't really believe in Jesus. I think I have an unwavering conviction that God exists but when it comes to Jesus and the trinity I just don't seem to be able to fully and unquestioningly believe. I don't know why this is but it's giving me a hard time. The hospital I work at has got a beautiful chapel that I visit regularly and pray for faith and guidance but I'm afraid that I will never be able to fully accept Jesus as Christ and Saviour. The Christian faith and Methodism appeals to me, but more in terms of philosophy, doctrine (e.g. the holiness movement) and aesthetics, yet I deeply long for a steadfast belief.
I know that John Wesley was plagued by doubt about the genuineness of his faith throughout his life and changed some of his once dearly held convictions over the course of his work. Is it possible to accept Christ without fully believing in him and working towards a fuller and truer belief from there? Is it possible to say "I do not, at the moment, completely believe with my heart but I choose to believe in you with my mind and implore you, Jesus, to have mercy on me and to give me a more genuine, heartfelt belief in you!" I often pray something along these lines when I stop by the chapel.
Is this something that others here struggle with, too? How do you deal with those feelings of uncertainty and maybe inadequacy?
This has got rather long, much longer than intended. So, thanks to all those who took the time to read my ramblings!
Just dropping a few lines on a whim after lurking around the boards for quite some time. I'm 39 years old from Stuttgart, Germany and currently "studying" nursing (technically it's an apprenticeship in Germany) having worked in the IT sector for more than ten years.
I was brought up in a largely atheist or at least sceptical home. But since a mate of mine took me along to confirmation class when I was around 14 years old, I became interested in religion. For much of my life however I've been rather confused about what to believe in. When I was 22 I officially joined the local Lutheran church. In the following years I grew somewhat disenchanted with the faith, read lots of critical literature (Dawkins, Hitchens) and subsequently identified as a (fairly stout) atheist. Fast forward a few years I faced some personal challenges, health problems mainly. This reignited my interest in (or maybe need for) spirituality. It was then that I finally stumbled across a religious tradition that made complete sense to me and somthing that I could completely identify with, namely Buddhism. More specifically I studied and practised Vipassana meditation in the context of the Theravada tradition. This is something that helped me immensely and I still have a very close connection and deeply felt gratitude for this philosophy and spiritual practice.
Yet, I feel like something is missing and have been feeling this way for a few years now. As many things of my personal issues and spiritual needs Buddhism answers, there is always the ultimate question of God that it doesn't resolve or even address. And this is a source of dissatisfaction that has been nagging at me for quite a while.
I still feel connected to protestantism and Methodism espacially so (I have read lots of books about the history of the United Methodist Church, Arminian theology and John Wesley). But there is a major obstacle that I don't really know how to deal with: I feel like I don't really believe in Jesus. I think I have an unwavering conviction that God exists but when it comes to Jesus and the trinity I just don't seem to be able to fully and unquestioningly believe. I don't know why this is but it's giving me a hard time. The hospital I work at has got a beautiful chapel that I visit regularly and pray for faith and guidance but I'm afraid that I will never be able to fully accept Jesus as Christ and Saviour. The Christian faith and Methodism appeals to me, but more in terms of philosophy, doctrine (e.g. the holiness movement) and aesthetics, yet I deeply long for a steadfast belief.
I know that John Wesley was plagued by doubt about the genuineness of his faith throughout his life and changed some of his once dearly held convictions over the course of his work. Is it possible to accept Christ without fully believing in him and working towards a fuller and truer belief from there? Is it possible to say "I do not, at the moment, completely believe with my heart but I choose to believe in you with my mind and implore you, Jesus, to have mercy on me and to give me a more genuine, heartfelt belief in you!" I often pray something along these lines when I stop by the chapel.
Is this something that others here struggle with, too? How do you deal with those feelings of uncertainty and maybe inadequacy?
This has got rather long, much longer than intended. So, thanks to all those who took the time to read my ramblings!