I Cut Off All Contact With A Friend 5 Months Ago, How Do I Make Peace With Him?

[nb408]

A little bit of back story, he went behind my back and told my ex that I asked if he had feelings for her the night before. I knew he did have feelings for her but he denied it. Which ultimately ended my ex and I's relationship. I told him I didn't hold a grudge against him and we remained friends. Then 4 months later he asked her out, told her that he loved her and wanted to start dating. We were still friends at this point, and my ex told me he asked her out 1 month after he did it when we reconnected.

I told him that I forgive him and still want to be friends but it's going to take a little while for me to trust him again. Then, we hung out a few times and he kept mentioning my ex in joking terms. "she's hot, like yo ex." I never told him this bothered me and I kept hanging out with him. Then one day, he wanted to hang out, I told him to morrow would be better. Tomorrow comes and he said he already made plans, I knew that it was with my ex because she came down to visit that day. At that point I stopped talking to him altogether. He only reached out to me once to see if I still play a card game but I didn't reply. I couldn't hang out with him knowing he's so close to my ex..

5 Months later he's probably telling everyone I'm a terrible person and cut him off. When nobody knows what really happened. I want to make peace with him but I don't know if I ever want to become close friends with him again.. I wanted to send him a text like this, "Hey just wanted to reach out and see how you're doing?"

Reason being, I freelance work where he works. I do have friends of friends that are his as well. I also feel like he's telling everyone I'm a bad person.. I'm not sure why, I just feel like he is slandering my name to everyone he can. The right thing to do would be to make peace with him but is this a good way to do that?

 

[Jamie Chen]

I say go for it

 

[splish- splash]

But, you've already reached out to him and have even told him, "you've forgiven him but it's going to take a while, for you to trust him again."? If I'm honest though, this doesn't seem like a healthy friendship at all.

 

[Anthony2019]

A little bit of back story, he went behind my back and told my ex that I asked if he had feelings for her the night before. I knew he did have feelings for her but he denied it. Which ultimately ended my ex and I's relationship. I told him I didn't hold a grudge against him and we remained friends. Then 4 months later he asked her out, told her that he loved her and wanted to start dating. We were still friends at this point, and my ex told me he asked her out 1 month after he did it when we reconnected.

I told him that I forgive him and still want to be friends but it's going to take a little while for me to trust him again. Then, we hung out a few times and he kept mentioning my ex in joking terms. "she's hot, like yo ex." I never told him this bothered me and I kept hanging out with him. Then one day, he wanted to hang out, I told him to morrow would be better. Tomorrow comes and he said he already made plans, I knew that it was with my ex because she came down to visit that day. At that point I stopped talking to him altogether. He only reached out to me once to see if I still play a card game but I didn't reply. I couldn't hang out with him knowing he's so close to my ex..

5 Months later he's probably telling everyone I'm a terrible person and cut him off. When nobody knows what really happened. I want to make peace with him but I don't know if I ever want to become close friends with him again.. I wanted to send him a text like this, "Hey just wanted to reach out and see how you're doing?"

Reason being, I freelance work where he works. I do have friends of friends that are his as well. I also feel like he's telling everyone I'm a bad person.. I'm not sure why, I just feel like he is slandering my name to everyone he can. The right thing to do would be to make peace with him but is this a good way to do that?

My first impression is that you deserve a lot of credit for wanting to make peace with him. A lot of people in your position would not want anything more to do with him. The fact that you still want to extend the arm of friendship says a lot about the quality and commitment to your faith.
It is always good to make peace with others, but that does not necessarily mean you should have to put yourself in a vulnerable position once again. He betrayed your trust and there is always the risk that you will be in a position where he will betray that trust again.
If you do remain as friends, I would say that you will still need to be very wary and set yourself some boundaries, particularly with information that is shared with him.

 

[createdtoworship]

A little bit of back story, he went behind my back and told my ex that I asked if he had feelings for her the night before. I knew he did have feelings for her but he denied it. Which ultimately ended my ex and I's relationship. I told him I didn't hold a grudge against him and we remained friends. Then 4 months later he asked her out, told her that he loved her and wanted to start dating. We were still friends at this point, and my ex told me he asked her out 1 month after he did it when we reconnected.

I told him that I forgive him and still want to be friends but it's going to take a little while for me to trust him again. Then, we hung out a few times and he kept mentioning my ex in joking terms. "she's hot, like yo ex." I never told him this bothered me and I kept hanging out with him. Then one day, he wanted to hang out, I told him to morrow would be better. Tomorrow comes and he said he already made plans, I knew that it was with my ex because she came down to visit that day. At that point I stopped talking to him altogether. He only reached out to me once to see if I still play a card game but I didn't reply. I couldn't hang out with him knowing he's so close to my ex..

5 Months later he's probably telling everyone I'm a terrible person and cut him off. When nobody knows what really happened. I want to make peace with him but I don't know if I ever want to become close friends with him again.. I wanted to send him a text like this, "Hey just wanted to reach out and see how you're doing?"

Reason being, I freelance work where he works. I do have friends of friends that are his as well. I also feel like he's telling everyone I'm a bad person.. I'm not sure why, I just feel like he is slandering my name to everyone he can. The right thing to do would be to make peace with him but is this a good way to do that?

If you still have feelings for your ex, it's not a good situation. I recommend just finding another friend. I mean go hang out with your friends of friends. But just tell him plainly that it hurt what he did, that you still had feelings, and that it's too hurtful to be friends. That way he won't misrepresent you. But by no means do you need to torture yourself over being friends with a guy b/cause you are afraid of what he might say, just tell him the truth, that you were hurt and that you don't really trust him. And that you are still friends but you don't want to hang out anymore. That is okay to say. I mean those in your inner circle should encourage you in your faith with God, sounds like he is sort of in it for himself, and I am not saying he is not a christian but he did some very insensitive things. And you don't need that. You should pray the Lord gives you a jonathan (and david), friendship that you can hang out and do things with.

 

[nb408]

If you still have feelings for your ex, it's not a good situation. I recommend just finding another friend. I mean go hang out with your friends of friends. But just tell him plainly that it hurt what he did, that you still had feelings, and that it's too hurtful to be friends. That way he won't misrepresent you. But by no means do you need to torture yourself over being friends with a guy b/cause you are afraid of what he might say, just tell him the truth, that you were hurt and that you don't really trust him. And that you are still friends but you don't want to hang out anymore. That is okay to say. I mean those in your inner circle should encourage you in your faith with God, sounds like he is sort of in it for himself, and I am not saying he is not a christian but he did some very insensitive things. And you don't need that. You should pray the Lord gives you a jonathan (and david), friendship that you can hang out and do things with.

Yeah, I don't want to hang out with him anymore but I also don't want to be misrepresented. That's why I was thinking about reaching out to him just to see how he's doing, clear the air of silence between us. Is this a good way to approach it?

 

[nb408]

But, you've already reached out to him and have even told him, "you've forgiven him but it's going to take a while, for you to trust him again."? If I'm honest though, this doesn't seem like a healthy friendship at all.

It's not, I don't trust him at all.. But I also don't want to leave things on bad terms with him.

 

[Ronit]

But, you've already reached out to him and have even told him, "you've forgiven him but it's going to take a while, for you to trust him again."? If I'm honest though, this doesn't seem like a healthy friendship at all.

I agree wholeheartedly.

 

[Ronit]

I agree with Franki(ncense).

 

[F.E.A.R.]

Try making peace with him but don't be close friends. I personally wouldn't be close friends after what you've described. If that guy was your true friend, he wouldn't have gone out with your ex in the first place and wouldn't have talked bad about you in front of other people. But don't worry what's he's saying, since those are just lies that he spreads. There are other people whom you can become close friends. But don't trust people blindly, don't judge them by their appearances, instead by their actions, then you'll see by yourself if those people are worthy to be your close friends.

 

[ForHimbyHim]

I think we need to be able to live at peace with people who speak lies behind our back, unless there is something more you're not telling us, it's OK for him to do what he is doing. Only God knows the reality.
Don't try people please, unless you feel the Holy Spirit saying you need to fix something or the other. I would just move on with my life. If you see him, say hi, be friendly kind, but you don't need to be best buddies. Forgive him, not only for almost 'stealing' your girlfriend, but also for making himself look good for it.

If she is dating him, it shows she too probably had a wondering eye. Which you probably do not want to get married to.

Sometimes people spread untruths about us and do mean things to us, but would we like Jesus not take to heart what other people say or think about us, because we as people tend towards moving with the winds of the time.

 

[createdtoworship]

Yeah, I don't want to hang out with him anymore but I also don't want to be misrepresented. That's why I was thinking about reaching out to him just to see how he's doing, clear the air of silence between us. Is this a good way to approach it?

I guess. But ultimately you have to come clean with why you don't feel comfortable around him. I was engaged to a girl and she broke it off with me and started dating my best friend. After that, we were not really friends anymore, and that is a perfectly natural thing. Just come clean and say you still have feelings for her, and that would answer that question. Although it's a little humiliating. But if you don't want to, then don't. Pray about it.

 

[bèlla]

I think its unlikely you can have a healthy friendship with him. His behavior suggests otherwise. Mentioning your ex and making remarks about her appearance is callous. It shows no consideration for your feelings. And its probable he has no remorse.

This isn't the kind of connection the bible lauds. The friend who sticks closer than a brother. How could you trust him with another or your spouse? That's a lot of wrangling and contortion. You can find worthwhile companions who don't require the same.

~Bella

 

[turkle]

I see three issues at work here.

The first is your relationship with your "ex". Whether she is your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, if you are divorced or broken up, then she is free to date whomever she pleases. From what I've read in your words, the relationship was over. If that's the case, then I don't see anything to forgive, except...

The second thing is the crass way that your friend refers to your "ex". That is inconsiderate and unkind. My guess is that he is feeling some sort of strange victory over you, leading to those comments. This is not something that a good friend does.

The third thing is that from what you said it sounds like you want to make peace with him not for the purpose of reestablishing a relationship, but because you want to protect your reputation from things you suspect he's saying. That is not friendship either.

In your situation, I would walk away from the whole thing. You are not going to be able to control what he says, and to attempt to do so is manipulative. On the other hand, if you really do want to re-start the friendship, then by all means do so. Although I see in your subsequent post that you really are doing it to protect yourself and have no interest in a friendship. It would be an illusion to believe that this is a healthy friendship, especially with that motive. I think it's time to close this chapter and move on.

 

[Ronit]

Try making peace with him but don't be close friends. I personally wouldn't be close friends after what you've described. If that guy was your true friend, he wouldn't have gone out with your ex in the first place and wouldn't have talked bad about you in front of other people. But don't worry what's he's saying, since those are just lies that he spreads. There are other people whom you can become close friends. But don't trust people blindly, don't judge them by their appearances, instead by their actions, then you'll see by yourself if those people are worthy to be your close friends.

Amen my friend
Ronit

 

[nb408]

I see three issues at work here.

The first is your relationship with your "ex". Whether she is your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, if you are divorced or broken up, then she is free to date whomever she pleases. From what I've read in your words, the relationship was over. If that's the case, then I don't see anything to forgive, except...

The second thing is the crass way that your friend refers to your "ex". That is inconsiderate and unkind. My guess is that he is feeling some sort of strange victory over you, leading to those comments. This is not something that a good friend does.

The third thing is that from what you said it sounds like you want to make peace with him not for the purpose of reestablishing a relationship, but because you want to protect your reputation from things you suspect he's saying. That is not friendship either.

In your situation, I would walk away from the whole thing. You are not going to be able to control what he says, and to attempt to do so is manipulative. On the other hand, if you really do want to re-start the friendship, then by all means do so. Although I see in your subsequent post that you really are doing it to protect yourself and have no interest in a friendship. It would be an illusion to believe that this is a healthy friendship, especially with that motive. I think it's time to close this chapter and move on.

You're right, I care about my reputation but I also care about what he thinks about me. I want peace with him, even if that means we don't hang out anymore. We have friends of friends and I want the ability to hang out every once in a while without it being awkward. But it's too hard right now because of the feelings I had for my ex still lingering.. I'm not sure if he could ever understand that