Hello, Kepha Mikha'el
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I am truly sorry for you are going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. It is understandable the way what you feel because you do not know how to bond with the people who are around you. In despite of this situation as a Christian I believe God made you in His image and that you are important and valuable person and you are a person worth of dignity and respect. You may have a hard time believing this, but that doesn’t disqualify you from being love and valued for exactly who you are. Let me tell you my friend in Christ, that you are calling to be yourself and not other. The people who want to be your friend will accept you the way you are. Please do not have any doubt of this. I encourage you to discover through prayer that you are so precious in God’s eyes. God loves you so much and He wants to make you happy. He promises you that in Jeremiah 29, 11”For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope”. Maybe as you say in your post this happens to you due to wounds that you have suffered from your childhood that is affecting your behavior towards others today. However, let me tell you my friend in Christ, that fear does not come from God, but it may come from the wounds that you do not heal from your childhood yet. Have you ever thought of forgive your parents, situations of your childhood and yourself? Forgiveness does not mean that they did to you was right but it means that you let the problem go. It is the only way to let go the wounds and hurts by others. It involves neither judge nor condemn to others but understand them. Forgiveness means that we renounce any vengeance, resentments or violence. It is the first step of healing and change and it will restore your peace and joy. Have you ever thought of seeking a Christian therapy or counseling? Christian therapy or counseling works through things like this. You are valuable and worthy of fighting for. It can help you to heal the wounds from your childhood and learn how to connect with others, especially in church. In regards to your concerns about being in church, it is true that its different than being out in public. I encourage you to search for volunteer ministries, Bible study group, charitable organizations, and see what may interest you. Do not feel discourage! Hang in there! Please have courage, take the first step to consider taking part in a ministry or volunteer job and hopefully you can find someone in the Church to make friends with. Hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my friend in Christ.