My baby has been in the ICU twice. We almost lost him. I can’t cope. The anxiety is affecting my work and home. I feel a lot of “I can’t” statements. My biggest struggle is the separation anxiety. I am so scared to be away from him. When we are separated for too long I start shaking and have panic attacks.
If I may, Bumble Bee....
everyone here sympathizes with what you're going through. Having a child in distress is difficult and many of the parents among us have experienced the anxiety and dread that accompanies that experience. Few of us truly know what a real life-threatening experience is like, though. Please accept what solace we can offer.
You are wise to notice the "
I can't..." self-talk. The way we speak to ourselves is important (Pr. 27:3), especially in stressful circumstances so let me suggest you say, "
I'm having difficulty with _________," or "
I'm feeling __________, and having difficulty handling it." The "
can't" doesn't leave you any options, whereas having difficulty gives you room to work through your thoughts and emotions.
More importantly, start small and simple.
Breathe. I'm serious; this is important. The escalated moments probably seem to come suddenly but you can learn to work through it. Respiration, pulse, muscle tension, racing thoughts and other processing challenges are tied together in circumstances like this. If you slow your breathing then your heart rate will follow. Count to five or six inhaling slowly and deeply, five or six hold holding that breath and five or six letting it out slowly paying attention to how your diaphragm rises and falls, your chest rises and falls, your shoulders rise and relax. Notice
what your body is feeling while you do this. You'll notice muscle tension, maybe sweatiness, possibly even shaking in parts of your body. Sub-consciously your body is dreading
itself. You don't like the way this feels. This fear of feeling takes away from the anxiety associated with your baby. You hate to feel bad and feeling bad physically and feeling bad emotionally is confusing.
So slow down and breath.
This is called somatic awareness and self-regulation.
Next comes distress tolerance. You'll find your physiological arousal will pass in a few minutes if you make the effort to breath; the effort to slow your breathing slows your heart and that will help slow down your brain. It's difficult to trust ourselves in circumstances like this but you can do this. There are signs of that ability here in your posts.
Trusting yourself in spite of the perceived lack of control and the disorientation of not-knowing is exactly what's needed. If you let flood of neurotransmitters metabolize the physiology will adjust itself.
The problem is every word from a doctor or nurse is re-triggering so learning the somatic self-regulation and tolerating the sudden physiological arousal has to be maintained with each new trigger.
Don't give up the first time. Or the second. This is a learned skill and while it seems like you don't have the time..... you do.
These two steps are important because until the physiological aspects are learned the emotional content is going to be challenging. Once you've got your breathing and heart rate down then grab a pen and paper and
write. Write down anything you're thinking ad feeling. Label the emotions. You could do this verbally, but writing will give your body something to do besides shake or tense up and it will engage different parts of your brain and get more of your faculties participating and working for you, not against you.
My wife and I wish we were there to hold your hand and walk you through all this and provide words of comfort and encouragement and prayer so show this post to your husband and ask him to help you do this. Mr. Bee, a note to you as a fellow brother, man, husband, and father: You were made for this and while you no doubt feel your own distress you can "stand in the gap" and provide her comfort, encouragement and strength until she is able to return the nurturance for which she was made. I'm sure you've held her and prayed until you do not know what else to pray. So
breathe.
Bumble Bee, the next step is to identify the emotions, the
flood of emotions because emotions don't come one at a time and we humans are prone to focus inordinately on the most potent of them. Focusing on the dread pushes out the hope. Giving too much of our soul to the helplessness masks the confidence. When you can say, "
I'm worried about my baby even though I know he's made it through these situations before and I feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time and want to trust God and the doctors but dread the power of the illness. I hate feeling so tense and it's exhausting having to tolerate my own distress but I love God and my husband and my child...." and all the rest of what you're thinking and feeling you'll better understand the overwhelmedness. It's exhausting, I know. You can do this. Be encouraged.
God has promised not to send you more than you can endure.
Philippians 4 and 1 Peter 5 are good but they are not enough. Keep your Bible handy. Borrow one from the hospital chapel if necessary. When you are breathing read some of the "positive psalms." Psalms 18, 23, 27, 46, 121, 139 will supplement Philippians 4 very well.
I will leave you with a last word of encouragement. I was born blue. I was born with a defective heart and the doctors told my mother I would not live for more than a few days. They then changed the prognosis to a few weeks and then again to a few months. At age 11 a doctor was reviewing my test results and told me I could die any day. It might be when I'm 42 or 22, but not to worry I'd be dead before I hit the sidewalk.
I am now 61 years old and not only in fine health but strong in body, mind, will, and Spirit. I cannot say what will happen with your son but I do know God has a plan for
you in this. He says so in His word. I'm genuinely sad for you and wish this was not yor strife to bear but you can do this, no matter what "this" is. You can yell at God later, but for now avail yourself of His help and continue praying for your son, yourself, and you husband. Maybe throw in a prayer or two for me, jeshu, sky, and mel if we cross your mind. We'll be praying for your son and his parents.
Please let continue to let us know how he is doing. If you'd like to know more about managing the anxiety, fear and panic let me know ad I'll endeavor to do so in "bite-sized" increments.