- Dec 13, 2015
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- Married
I've been alive for almost 34 years now. I've been close to death at least three times in my life. When I was born I was born blue (I wasnt breathing for several minutes) it got so bad that doctors were about to pronounce me dead but by some miracle I started breathing and they were able to get me breathing again. Then when I was about three years old I nearly choked to death on a penny. I remember this one. If my sister didnt scream and my mom didnt come bolting down the stairs and got the penny out of my windpipe I wouldnt be talking to you today. And lastly there was the time I stopped taking my antipsychotics cold turkey and they were such poison that I nearly died. It was by far one of the worst experiences of my life. So clearly? God wants me alive. But my question is, why?
34 years I've been miserable. As some of you know for most of my life I was physically and verbally abused by my dad. I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder at the age of 24 and I've had panic disorder ever since my dad started hitting me as a child. I've technically never gotten over it. I've gotten and tried therapy but none of it works. I just si mply cannot do the mindfullness meditation that they try me on for my anxiety/mental illness and medication doesnt help. And before you say I havent tried it enough I've tried it for many years. Even my therapist admits that it doesnt work for me and she doesn't know how to treat me. Every mental hospital and I've been to doesnt know how yo treat me and just fills me up with sleeping pills to cure my bad episodes. So its like... why even go to therapy? Why do I keep pushing everyday for Christ and to improve other peoples lives when my my life has been such complete crap?
I've lived my entire life in complete isolation from the world with pretty much zero frends. Nobody really liked me or wanted to be around me so I clung to my mother the only parent I really had for over 27 years. Then I found Christ back in 2013 or so and by 2014 God answered my prayers and gave me a girlfriend and then a few months later a fiancee and a year later a wife. I love my wife more than anything and anyone else in the world. I think about her constantly and I would do anything for her.
I dont care that We're ALWAYS arguing and shes been physically abusive to me several times now either. She was sent from God. Several people would tell me to divorce her and move on but I don't want to give up. All I've ever wanted for her since we met was for her to be happy. She wants the likewise for me but I dont think I could ever be happy. Or.. ever will be happy. Maybe God doesnt want that from me?
What can I do to get through each passing day? Will my life get any better? Does Christ understand what I'm going through or does he even care? What can I do to make my wife happy? What can I do to make ME happy? Just so many questions hence why this is in Christian answers and not the prayer section but.... I don't know if people can answer. Maybe I'm just wasting everyone's time.... I'm sorry...
34 years I've been miserable. As some of you know for most of my life I was physically and verbally abused by my dad. I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder at the age of 24 and I've had panic disorder ever since my dad started hitting me as a child. I've technically never gotten over it. I've gotten and tried therapy but none of it works. I just si mply cannot do the mindfullness meditation that they try me on for my anxiety/mental illness and medication doesnt help. And before you say I havent tried it enough I've tried it for many years. Even my therapist admits that it doesnt work for me and she doesn't know how to treat me. Every mental hospital and I've been to doesnt know how yo treat me and just fills me up with sleeping pills to cure my bad episodes. So its like... why even go to therapy? Why do I keep pushing everyday for Christ and to improve other peoples lives when my my life has been such complete crap?
I've lived my entire life in complete isolation from the world with pretty much zero frends. Nobody really liked me or wanted to be around me so I clung to my mother the only parent I really had for over 27 years. Then I found Christ back in 2013 or so and by 2014 God answered my prayers and gave me a girlfriend and then a few months later a fiancee and a year later a wife. I love my wife more than anything and anyone else in the world. I think about her constantly and I would do anything for her.
I dont care that We're ALWAYS arguing and shes been physically abusive to me several times now either. She was sent from God. Several people would tell me to divorce her and move on but I don't want to give up. All I've ever wanted for her since we met was for her to be happy. She wants the likewise for me but I dont think I could ever be happy. Or.. ever will be happy. Maybe God doesnt want that from me?
What can I do to get through each passing day? Will my life get any better? Does Christ understand what I'm going through or does he even care? What can I do to make my wife happy? What can I do to make ME happy? Just so many questions hence why this is in Christian answers and not the prayer section but.... I don't know if people can answer. Maybe I'm just wasting everyone's time.... I'm sorry...