My mom's been deceased for over a decade now. I first grieved for a couple of years but then that grieve turned into anger and hate towards my mom. I was angry at her for leaving me, my sister, and my grandma so soon and sudden. I was angry that she sheltered me too much as a child. I was angry that she didn't get me the right help when I needed. I was angry that she wasn't there for me that much when I was getting teased in school. And so on. I literally cussed and yelled at her even though she was gone. Not only that but I made a real mess of things after she died which I can't get into detail here since it's personal. This caused me, my sister and grandma not talking or seeing each other for a while. But eventually they forgave me after time. I continued still though to make wrong decisions in my life which I didn't think. This was for several years of the anger at my mom, the mess I made, and the wrong choices I did. But I didn't think of what I was doing so I didn't pay attention to it. Suddenly 3 weeks ago, I got a wake up call. Idk what it was from but all my anger and hate towards my mom had turned into grief and guilt. I now feel so ashamed and terrible for talking about her that way. And I regret the messes and wrong choices I did in the past. I now constantly cry and cry knowing what I done was so horrible. I then think back of when my mom was alive of how I could had treated her better and been there for her more. We had a yo yo relationship imo. There were times we were ok and times that we frequently argued. I feel now it's all my fault and I was a bad daughter. I prayed to Lord Jesus to forgive me for all what I done and the sins I had made. But I'm still crying so much now with all this guilt. I can't control the tears coming down my face. I didn't mean to hurt anyone from when my mom was alive and after she passed. All I feel now is guilt, grief, shame, and fear. I'm getting myself sick over this.
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