Married woman asked me if I loved her. I said yes, but..

[MercyandFaith]

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

 

[usexpat97]

I would have tried to be slick about it. Like evade the question, change the subject, or something. And I tend to be a very direct person; I don't normally do that.

 

[Reborn1977]

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

I believe the most biblically honorable way to deal with such a situation as you described would be to both believe and say, 'You are a married woman any such conversation between you and I is completely inappropriate and not going to take place.'

 

[bèlla]

Why did you feel the need to answer at all in light of her situation? How does admitting the truth and her crush on you glorify God?

You need to put out the fire. Don’t stoke it.

 

[MercyandFaith]

Ok, thanks. So......what should I do now? It's already happened.

 

[Ken Rank]

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

A mentor spoke on what is lying and what is not and I think he was on to something that might help you. Here is the example he used....

It is WW2 and you have a Jewish family hiding in your basement. A German soldier comes to the door and asks, "Do you have Jews in your home?" Based on what he SAID, the answer is obviously "Yes." However, if we KNOW that the intent was to take them away and kill them, then isn't his question really, "Do you have any Jews in your home we can take and kill?" To which, I would answer "No" because in my mind and heart I know that is REALLY what he was asking.

So this woman.... married, looking to another man, pushing, wanting confirmation through your words that she can pursue... the answer is NO. So, when she asks, "do you like me" you know the question is REALLY "Do you like me in a sexual way?" If that is what she is after, then that is what her question is even if she doesn't use all those words.

So, if you truly desire to not engage in what the bible would call adultery, I would make it clear the answer is "NO!"

Just my humble opinion.

 

[MercyandFaith]

Why did you feel the need to answer at all in light of her situation?.

I tend to be the kind of person who blurts out an answer immediately on the spot without thinking about the consequences. But now in hindsight I wish I had said "I won't answer that" or "no."

 

[salt-n-light]

Long story short: a married Christian woman has had a crush on me for a long time. Although I like her too, I have told her many times that we can't be together.

She asked me again, today, if I still liked her. I replied, "Yes, but we can't be together."

But, although that was the truthful answer - indeed, I think the most truthful answer I could have given - part of me wonders if I sinned by saying so. Should I have lied instead and said, "No I don't like you?" Should I have replied, "I'm not answering that?"

I am somewhat tormented inside now.

I would have answered with a question. "Does your husband know you are pursuing me?"

 

[Ken Rank]

I would have answered with a question. "Does your husband know you are pursuing me?"

While I like that answer, the problem is... she might answer "yes." And that would leave our friend here in the same spot, maybe even a more difficult spot. I would just say NO... as soon as he sees her again, go back and say, "I am sorry... I spoke without thinking... I don't like you the way you like me."

 

[bèlla]

Ok, thanks. So......what should I do now? It's already happened.

That isn’t the question you must consider. You need to be brutally honest about your feelings because they’re the primary reason you answered.

What is her attraction feeding in you?

 

[Sketcher]

Ok, thanks. So......what should I do now? It's already happened.

Either it was cold enough, or it wasn't. If it was, fine. If not, you can be colder next time.

 

[MercyandFaith]

That isn’t the question you must consider. You need to be brutally honest about your feelings because they’re the primary reason you answered.

What is her attraction feeding in you?

This might be a circular answer but her attraction just feeds my.....affection for her. We had liked each other before she got married. But she was pressured by circumstances into marrying someone else, a man she didn't want to marry. And we've still not stopped liking each other. We both regret that she ended up with that other man. But I have still told her many times that, unfortunately, marriage is marriage and she is stuck with her marriage to him.

But I still like her and so when she asked me an hour ago if I still liked her, I simply blurted yes without hesitation.

 

[bèlla]

This might be a circular answer but her attraction just feeds my.....affection for her. We had liked each other before she got married.

I’ve been in a similar situation. We didn’t get together. He met another. I returned and we reconnected. They weren’t married and he never spoke of her.

But at some point I realized how far he’d go and I felt for her. No one wants to be in someone’s shadow. It creates problems in the relationship and in their hearts.

And I would never tolerate the same. I think the golden rule applies.

 

[Neogaia777]

Tell her you meant that you love her with the Love of the Lord, but not anything beyond that, unless you do of course, then you should tell her that you might maybe have certain feelings for her, but you don't know if those feelings are really love in the same way that she thinks about love or thinks what that love is, or might be, etc...

Look, you need to know how you really feel about her, and I mean really feel about her, and then tell her the truth, (since it's too late not to now) but also tell her that you think it is very wrong for her to even ask as she has already committed herself to someone for life, and that even she divorced him, you would still not ever have any kind of relationship with her in that way, because it would be very wrong, and you would still be committing adultery yourself, (and her as well) which you need to tell her you just won't ever do, etc...

Tell her your a Christian and are committed to God, and because she's married or already been married, that even if and especially if she got a divorce, in this case, you could not and never ever would not, especially in this case, never, ever be with her, ever, period, and make that very clear...

And make sure you stick to your guns and stay truthful to that, etc...

And as another poster already pointed out, if something like this ever happens ever again, tell them that it is inappropriate for them to ask, and refuse to answer, for future reference...

But it's too late now right...

Sort out your own feelings first, is it love or is it lust, or just butterflies or infatuation, etc, and if you must tell her, tell her that even if you tell her, in this case, because of your love and commitment to the Lord, which takes precedence, you two can never ever be together, ever, in this case, even and especially if she got divorced, in this case, etc...

Cause it would be like you betraying your God, etc, and then be done with it, and tell her you can't even associate with her ever even, if she is going to keep this up with you, after that, etc, cause it would be very wrong and very inappropriate, etc, for both of you, etc, and you would have to break off and cut all ties with her because of it or that, etc...

OK...?

You should have never answered the question in the first place, and I would take that as a lesson for future reference, and you may have to stop associating with her altogether, and you need to tell her about that (now) also...

God Bless!

 

[Neogaia777]

This might be a circular answer but her attraction just feeds my.....affection for her. We had liked each other before she got married. But she was pressured by circumstances into marrying someone else, a man she didn't want to marry. And we've still not stopped liking each other. We both regret that she ended up with that other man. But I have still told her many times that, unfortunately, marriage is marriage and she is stuck with her marriage to him.

But I still like her and so when she asked me an hour ago if I still liked her, I simply blurted yes without hesitation.

Your playing with fire friend...

God Bless!

 

[MercyandFaith]

Thanks. I guess I should just say no next time. It hurts, though - loving someone and then having to force out the lie, "No I don't like you," through gritted teeth.

 

[bèlla]

Your playing with fire friend...

Absence is probably best in situations like his.

 

[MercyandFaith]

Absence is probably best in situations like his.

This is what I had considered. But the church has an urgent shortage of pianists and needs me playing.

 

[Neogaia777]

Absence is probably best in situations like his.

With any already married woman, he should either be strong enough not to have or develop those kinds of feelings for her, or if he does, at least not be around them or associate with them if he cannot control himself, or have very limited dealings with them at the very least...

 

[bèlla]

Thanks. I guess I should just say no next time. It hurts, though - loving someone and then having to force out the lie, "No I don't like you," through gritted teeth.

You need time and the opportunity to meet another who fills that space. You have to reach the point when you no longer want her. I had someone pursue me for 7 years. Timeout is best.