Wife disrespected me

[Paidiske]

How could you exhort wives to respect their husbands if, by your example, you would not be willing to respect your husband's very reasonable concern? Neglect of one's own marriage is to neglect one's own ministry.

When I offered for ministry, I told my husband that our marriage would always come first. That if my ministry was hurting our marriage, then my ministry would need to change. I think that's a good principle.

That said, it is not reasonable for my husband to expect me to neglect or compromise my pastoral responsibilities. I could not do my job if my husband refused to let me meet alone with a man. At that point, I might need to consider leaving ministry; but what I would not do is continue in the ministry while not fulfilling its requirements properly.

If the OP has a problem with his wife doing the work of a pastor, then maybe they both need to consider her leaving that role; but what I think is not reasonable is him agreeing to her being in that role, and then trying to control or undermine her in it.

Edited to add: although frankly, the idea of one spouse trying to forbid the other from doing a particular job because they don't like that it brings them into contact with the opposite sex comes across as more than a bit controlling and unhealthy.

 

[Swan7]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

I have no take on this issue because I am not God. I can’t see all and know all like He does. We as Christians only prophecy in part because we only understand in part. I would take this matter straight to God and allow Him to guide you through this matter.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

Interesting how men in ministry are (in most circles I've seen) expected to ensure females are present when pastoring to a female. But there are some who seem to think that a woman counseling a man alone should not be questioned, as that is her job.

 

[Paidiske]

I'd have the same approach for both. I've noted that I receive various kinds of care from men (spiritual direction, supervision, oversight) and I don't expect or want them to have a chaperone, either.

 

[tturt]

Richard, encourage you to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar. Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc.

There's hundreds on youtube.

Praying too

 

[Anguspure]

I agree with @Paidiske in this matter although I disagree with women fulfilling the role of Pastor in church.

However, if a woman is going to Pastor anyway, then she has a responsibility to shepard the members of the church, which will necessarily include both men and women.

Instead of being jealous of the necessity of her counselling men, and thus being alone with them, why don't you talk to her about having the assistant Pastor or an elder sit in on sessions where she must sit and give counselling to the men under her care..

Clearly things were going a wee bit beyond shepherding. Clearly somebody was following the lady in the Pastoral role but it is more likely it was because he liked what he saw in front of him than because of Christ in front of her.

 

[Tyler52]

I'm a wife and a minister. If my husband tried to tell me to neglect my pastoral responsibilities by refusing to meet with someone, that would not be acceptable. A pastoral conversation is not "entertaining" someone.

Are you happy with your wife working in this role? Do you really accept all that comes with it, including pastoral care of men? If not, do you and she need to have a bigger-picture discussion about your marriage, the work both of you do, and how all of that works?

A. You have to listen to your husband, Paul said so.
B. They can't get divorced, no one has committed adultery.
C. Are you sure that you are a clergywomen?

 

[Paidiske]

A. You have to listen to your husband, Paul said so.

I agree. But he isn't - and can't act as if he is - my workplace manager.

B. They can't get divorced, no one has committed adultery.

Nor did I suggest that they should.

C. Are you sure that you are a clergywomen?

With the scars to prove it.

 

[Tyler52]

When I offered for ministry, I told my husband that our marriage would always come first. That if my ministry was hurting our marriage, then my ministry would need to change. I think that's a good principle.
That said, it is not reasonable for my husband to expect me to neglect or compromise my pastoral responsibilities. I could not do my job if my husband refused to let me meet alone with a man. At that point, I might need to consider leaving ministry; but what I would not do is continue in the ministry while not fulfilling its requirements properly.

If the OP has a problem with his wife doing the work of a pastor, then maybe they both need to consider her leaving that role; but what I think is not reasonable is him agreeing to her being in that role, and then trying to control or undermine her in it.

Edited to add: although frankly, the idea of one spouse trying to forbid the other from doing a particular job because they don't like that it brings them into contact with the opposite sex comes across as more than a bit controlling and unhealthy.

Oh ok I get what you're saying now, sorry about point C.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I mean if shes legit helping him out then I guess it's fine. Assuming she doesn't have feelings for him. You could see her messages to him (and his to her) just to verify there is nothing going on. Granted if you are caught trying to read them she will probably get angry even if she was doing nothing wrong.

My wife has talked to guys we know and I don't mind. I trust her and she's always been loyal. And she never really talks to them unless we are together anyways. She's not much of a chatter.

 

[Albion]

While a pastor/counselor has to meet with people of the opposite sex, I keep coming back to the points made in the OP that she was meeting him at home, not in the church or its offices, and continued to "counsel" him while strolling down the street. Then they became "Facebook friends." None of that sounds like normal pastoral counseling. It may not signal a budding romance, but it is not the typical approach taken by any counselor, whether religious or some other kind. I suspect that this pastor has not been trained in the fine points of the work.

 

[JM]

I disagree with women fulfilling the role of Pastor in church.

Agreed. Moving along...

 

[Peter J Barban]

Nevermind, this was dealt with in another post.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

Sorry but, I think you hit it on the nail.
She seems to have no respect for you.

So she's a Pastor?
Interesting.

M-Bob

 

[Willie T]

WTH was he doing in your home when you weren't there... Was it more than once? This should be totally unacceptable to any "minister", male or female. "Counseling" done this way is usually one or both of them flirting with danger... probably for the excitement and/or attention neither are getting elsewhere.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

WTH was he doing in your home when you weren't there... Was it more than once? This should be totally unacceptable to any "minister", male or female. "Counseling" done this way is usually one or both of them flirting with danger... probably for the excitement and/or attention neither are getting elsewhere.

True, anyone who has been in the Church for a while knows -- counseling the opposit sex is dangerous. I'm very close to two Pastors at this time and we have discussed this -- they usually make sure that a third person is there. Keeps any hankie pankie far from the mind.

And if we study our bible we know -- that person just may claim that we did something that we did not.

The devil (is always) hard at work.

M-Bob

 

[A.Key]

Your wife is a pastor and along with that comes many responsibilities which include speaking with other members of the church. She can do this when you are not home or around her. Its part of her role. You said you became jealous simply because you saw her standing next to this other man. That has nothing to do with her or the other man. Jealousy is your issue and its an issue you need to control. Your wife is not responsible for your emotions. She does not have to cater to you because you are having emotional issues. In fact, its best that she does not give in so that you can learn to control your emotions. I'm sure she cares about you and clearly you care about her. As the husband of a pastor you should be setting a positive example for the church community. Instead, you have showed your insecurity to at least one other member and that information about you will spread if you don't deal with it now. Jealousy is a problem many people experience in relationships and its also a reason many relationships fail. You cannot expect another person to change who they are to make you happy. Your wife is a pastor. If you cannot handle that then its time to talk about it openly and honestly. You cannot control her and she cannot change because you want her to. I know this might be a hard situation for you but pray about it. And also, look at the facts.

1. You are judging your wife based on how you feel instead on what she has actually done. She spoke with a member of the church. That is all.
2. You disrespected her when you told a member of your own church to leave your home when you do not know why he was even there. Could she have been helping him with a problem? Did he need guidance only to be turned away when he arrived?
3. You are isolating your wife from her church which is a dangerous road to go down.

My strongest advice to you would be to speak with your wife. Don't speak with her about how she needs to change and then put all the blame on her. Speak with her about your issue with jealousy and how you need help with it. You need to boost your self esteem, know your own worth, know that she can love you and still do her job as a pastor.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

Although it did take a while, seems as though she finally took your concerns seriously.

 

[A_Thinker]

I'm a wife and a minister. If my husband tried to tell me to neglect my pastoral responsibilities by refusing to meet with someone, that would not be acceptable. A pastoral conversation is not "entertaining" someone.

Don't you think that some perspective is needed here. Maybe there should always be another person present.

This might need to be standard practice for ministers. Even Billy Graham so guarded himself against temptation (or even the appearance of impropriety) in this way.

Certainly many male pastors have been caught in the web of impropriety ... arising from innocent attempts to minister to their female parishioners.

 

[Paidiske]

Don't you think that some perspective is needed here. Maybe there should always be another person present.

No. Categorically not. People have a right to confidentiality and privacy. Especially for hearing confessions, but more broadly than that.

Certainly many male pastors have been caught in the web of impropriety ... arising from innocent attempts to minister to their female parishioners.

Sure. And there may be particular instances where one is aware of one's own limitations/weaknesses and acts accordingly. But as a blanket rule, no, I would not be willing to always work with another person present. That's totally inappropriate.