Wife disrespected me

[Richard Ramond]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

 

[Tone]

Welcome to CF!

ahem...hem...hem...I never been married, but my wife...ahem...Www-eee-eee-llll.

*I think it is good that you confronted both of them on how you feel.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

Tough one. Joyce Meyer has a really balanced viewpoint on ministry and marriage. He husband is head of the household and what he says goes. Even if she does not agree. I wonder if your wife has the same attitude. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. Wives are exhorted to respect their husbands. It's not a matter of feelings. It's a decision of the will. Jealousy is a terrible blight and you need to be set free. You also need to forgive your wife. She also needs to forgive you, if she has been offended. I know that things can start out in all innocence and then take a wrong turn. There are way too many pastors ending up in the cot with their secretaries. No one needs that in their lives.

 

[Paidiske]

I'm a wife and a minister. If my husband tried to tell me to neglect my pastoral responsibilities by refusing to meet with someone, that would not be acceptable. A pastoral conversation is not "entertaining" someone.

Are you happy with your wife working in this role? Do you really accept all that comes with it, including pastoral care of men? If not, do you and she need to have a bigger-picture discussion about your marriage, the work both of you do, and how all of that works?

 

[Anguspure]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

My wife left me because I repeatedly confronted her on this same issue. I spend 6 months a year at sea so I really don't know what was happening while I was away, needless to say it was all a bit too friendly when I was at home.
You are right in what you maintain, that she is dishonoring your marriage but do not under estimate the opposition you are up against.
If her heart has turned towards this man and away from you she is already in an emotional adultery and you will need to tread extremely wisely and gently to win her back.

 

[tturt]

Welcome to CF

God first, family second, then calling.

These are the priorities plus she should have avoided the appearance of evil (I Thess 5:22).

Now it's vital that you forgive both.

 

[MasterYourLife]

Hello fellow ladies and gentlemen.I'm puzzled at my wife behavior. November 2018, I was across the street and I observed her walking down the street with a guy. Bear in mind she like big guys. This guy was bigger than me and they were talking and smiling. Needless to say I felt jealous. Later at home I told her how I felt seeing them. Fast forward. I comes home one more day and he is in her office along with another common friend of the 3 of us. The guy, my wife, and myself. I didn't join them but I sat away from them and after they left I told her again that he make me feel jealous. I have to mention that my wife is also the pastor of our local church. Her office is located at the rear of the church. Well fast forward again. June 2019. I come home on 3 different occasions and finds him alone with my wife. Than I also noticed they are now FB friends. One day I was there alone with my wife and he shows up. I told him I'm not comfortable with him being alone with my wife. They both said that there is nothing going on that he just need someone to talk with. I told him to go and find an available woman and leave my woman alone. I made it clear to him , he is welcome at the church and the food pantry we running but I don't want him alone with my wife/pastor. He lied and told my son, who is 32 years old, that I told him not come round anymore. Based on that my wife decided not to talk with him anymore. My take is, once she knew I was jea!ous of him she should not entertain him alone because a man and a woman meeting alone on a regular basis is grounds for feelings to grow. Her claim is she is doing the Lord's work and has no feelings for him as a man. We went thru some struggles because of this issue. My main point of contention is that she has no respect for me as her husband. she refuses to admit she didn't exercise sound judgement hanging out with him after I told her how I felt. What is you all take on this issue?

My take is, she shouldn't be a pastor in the first place, being a woman. Men and women have different roles in the church.
This reminds me of Adam and Eve, and this guy she's hanging out with is the forbidden fruit. Flirting with sin I call it. A pastor with this kind of behavior is unacceptable.
Second, she should NOT be alone with this man on so many occasions. There are an infinite number of reasons for that.
If she was in fact doing pastoral work, why would he be at your house...alone with her...that number of times. And why would she cut off contact so quickly with him, if she was doing pastoral work with him.
Whether women know it or not, they fall into relationships very quickly with people they spend a lot of time with. Your wife should have known that. We are human and our carnal nature will take over very quickly and is hard to control.
I admire your direct confrontation and expressing what you feel to both parties.
I just hope your wife learned from this, and changed her heart towards spousal relationships with other men.
Above all, don't hold this against her.

 

[BigMat]

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. In fact, I'd say that whatever suspicions you have are probably correct. Your wife should know better and, I'd say she probably does. As far as this guy goes, my inclination is to say that he knows better as well. I'll bet there are male associate pastors that this guy can talk to who are just as available and capable as your wife. There is absolutely no reason for a pastor to "council" a person of the opposite gender, that they know their spouse is uncomfortable with, in intimacy of their home, rather than in the professional setting of their office.

If you truly love someone, particularly a spouse, one of your highest priorities will be making sure you don't hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable, as your wife has done with you. I see pastors all the time, make other arrangements for the care of certain members of their congregation in situations such as this and, they do it out of love and concern for their wives and their marriages. They do it out of wisdom -- to not unnecessarily place themselves into temptation.

I'd wager that if the tables were turned -- i.e. a gorgeous young coworker, new to Christianity and looking for guidance (one who just happened to be your type, no less), began meeting with you on a regular basis for advice, to be mentored, and to share her struggles -- your wife would definitely have something less than favorable to say about it. I'll bet, that if she found you home alone with this woman a number of times and if this woman began showing up at your house looking for you, your wife would likely go ballistic, come down hard on you, and run this woman off -- and rightly so. You haven't acted inappropriately at all. In fact, you have shown a great deal of restraint. You and your marriage have my prayers.

 

[Anguspure]

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. In fact, I'd say that whatever suspicions you have are probably correct. Your wife should know better and, I'd say she probably does. As far as this guy goes, my inclination is to say that he knows better as well. I'll bet there are male associate pastors that this guy can talk to who are just as available and capable as your wife. There is absolutely no reason for a pastor to "council" a person of the opposite gender, that they know their spouse is uncomfortable with, in intimacy of their home, rather than in the professional setting of their office.

If you truly love someone, particularly a spouse, one of your highest priorities will be making sure you don't hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable, as your wife has done with you. I see pastors all the time, make other arrangements for the care of certain members of their congregation in situations such as this and, they do it out of love and concern for their wives and their marriages. They do it out of wisdom -- to not unnecessarily place themselves into temptation.

I'd wager that if the tables were turned -- i.e. a gorgeous young coworker, new to Christianity and looking for guidance (one who just happened to be your type, no less), began meeting with you on a regular basis for advice, to be mentored, and to share her struggles -- your wife would definitely have something less than favorable to say about it. I'll bet, that if she found you home alone with this woman a number of times and if this woman began showing up at your house looking for you, your wife would likely go ballistic, come down hard on you, and run this woman off -- and rightly so. You haven't acted inappropriately at all. In fact, you have shown a great deal of restraint. You and your marriage have my prayers.

Yes, its kinda strange, after being told that I was being paranoid, that in the midst of my pain and grief nobodies pretty wife has ever came to visit me (whether Christian or not).

 

[Richard Ramond]

Thanks for all the advice you all have given to me. We had a panel meeting at church. The senior female pastor told my wife that the devil had tempt her with what is pleasing to her eyes. She wou!d not accept that she stepped out of line. When the overseer who is male told her that she was out of order first, to entertain the guy without her spouse or second, refuse him and refer him to the overseer. My wife exploded on them and told them to stay out of her marriage. She refuses to admit her behavior was out of line. What she don't want to admit is the poor judgement on her part. She likes to boast about all the wisdom and discernment that God has blessed her with. Thank God that the guy brought our son into the mix. That was the biggest reason why she told him he was not welcomed there because now her eyes became opened that he was up to no good

 

[Richard Ramond]

I'm a wife and a minister. If my husband tried to tell me to neglect my pastoral responsibilities by refusing to meet with someone, that would not be acceptable. A pastoral conversation is not "entertaining" someone.

Are you happy with your wife working in this role? Do you really accept all that comes with it, including pastoral care of men? If not, do you and she need to have a bigger-picture discussion about your marriage, the work both of you do, and how all of that works?

 

[Richard Ramond]

I want to address Paidiske. Thanks for your take If your husband told you that he is attracted to certain physical attributes on a woman. I keep coming to his office and the same woman is there alone with him. Bear in mind even before you keep coming and finding them chatting alone, you had seen them interacting in other settings and you told your husband you felt jealousy. Do you think he is considering your feelings or he is disrespecting them. You don't think that a man and a woman alone in repeated occasions is going to allow some sort of feelings to grow? There are boundaries that should not be crossed. Boundaries are not to limit us, they there to protect us. The guy has the things she attracted to. He is bigger and blacker than me. I'm also a black man so don't think I'm being racist. Putting all these things on the stove, you are setting yourself up to be tempted. Remember sin is subtle. It does not come with sirens and horns blowing. It creeps up silently. One small step at a time. Each step you take seems just like the prior step you took. Sin so make you feel I'm not doing anything wrong, so I will continue down the road. When you reaize, wait, why am I attracted to this guy? How did I get here? Because I let him in. A man and a woman alone may not necessarily develop feelings , but why tempt fate?Why can't you talk/advise this guy with your husband present? Why give grounds for anyone on the outside looking in to have reasons to question your motives? Abstain from all appearances of evil .

 

[tturt]

You know there are pastors who have glass walls in their offices.

Hopingly the overseer will insist that she submits to his Godly authority and counsel plus undergo a period of discipleship in this area. Otherwise, it's rebellion.

Praying for your marriage.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I agree with @Paidiske in this matter although I disagree with women fulfilling the role of Pastor in church.

However, if a woman is going to Pastor anyway, then she has a responsibility to shepard the members of the church, which will necessarily include both men and women.

Instead of being jealous of the necessity of her counselling men, and thus being alone with them, why don't you talk to her about having the assistant Pastor or an elder sit in on sessions where she must sit and give counselling to the men under her care..

 

[tturt]

"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." Some state "respect" husband including this site =

Ephesians 5:33 Interlinear: but ye also, every one in particular -- let each his own wife so love as himself, and the wife -- that she may reverence the husband.

The Bible has great marital advice.

 

[Dave-W]

The senior female pastor told my wife that the devil had tempt her with what is pleasing to her eyes. She wou!d not accept that she stepped out of line. When the overseer who is male told her that she was out of order first, to entertain the guy without her spouse or second, refuse him and refer him to the overseer. My wife exploded on them and told them to stay out of her marriage.

If that is how your wife respects senior pastoral oversight, she has no business being in ministry IMO.

 

[mnorian]

Mod hat on

this thread has been moved from
Introduce Yourself
to
Christian Advice
for a better fit and responses.
Hat off. ​

 

[Paidiske]

I want to address Paidiske. Thanks for your take If your husband told you that he is attracted to certain physical attributes on a woman. I keep coming to his office and the same woman is there alone with him. Bear in mind even before you keep coming and finding them chatting alone, you had seen them interacting in other settings and you told your husband you felt jealousy. Do you think he is considering your feelings or he is disrespecting them. You don't think that a man and a woman alone in repeated occasions is going to allow some sort of feelings to grow? There are boundaries that should not be crossed. Boundaries are not to limit us, they there to protect us. The guy has the things she attracted to. He is bigger and blacker than me. I'm also a black man so don't think I'm being racist. Putting all these things on the stove, you are setting yourself up to be tempted. Remember sin is subtle. It does not come with sirens and horns blowing. It creeps up silently. One small step at a time. Each step you take seems just like the prior step you took. Sin so make you feel I'm not doing anything wrong, so I will continue down the road. When you reaize, wait, why am I attracted to this guy? How did I get here? Because I let him in. A man and a woman alone may not necessarily develop feelings , but why tempt fate?Why can't you talk/advise this guy with your husband present? Why give grounds for anyone on the outside looking in to have reasons to question your motives? Abstain from all appearances of evil .

One thing that wasn't clear in your OP, but which you've made clear now, is that this is a team ministry situation and she had someone else she could refer to. So I do think that changes things and she could have referred him to a colleague. (I work in a single-staff church - no one but me - so I don't have that option).

But that aside, no, I don't have a problem with pastoral ministry one-on-one, even with a person of the opposite sex. In my world that is normal and not considered a near occasion of sin, or tempting fate, or whatever. In fact, the idea that a man and a woman couldn't talk one-on-one would both cripple my ability to give good pastoral care - people deserve confidentiality - and also cripple my ability to get good input from my supervisor, my spiritual director, my bishop... who are all men... in a confidential setting, which is important.

It would be totally inappropriate, and a complete breach of others' privacy, for me to expect people to be happy to have my husband - who is not a minister - in the room for their conversations with me.

Now there might occasionally be people with whom there's a particular problem, (I have at least one guy in my congregation I wouldn't want to be alone at home with, but not just because he's a man, there are other issues there). But if my husband tried to make it a general rule that I couldn't be alone with men, basically, I couldn't do my job. I need my husband to trust my judgement about how I work, because often I can't tell him why so-and-so really does need privacy and confidentiality for their pastoral care.

(And I would think any feelings of jealousy on his part are deeply misplaced. Just to pick a few of the pastoral issues I've been dealing with this week, if I'm dealing with someone with florid paranoia, or in a situation where he's experiencing domestic violence, or who has been deeply distressed by someone else's suicide threats, if my husband tried to make that about sexual attraction, I'd think he has absolutely no respect for me as a professional at all).

Which is why I asked if you really accept your wife working in this role, and all that comes with it, or is there a bigger-picture conversation to be had? Because if you think you can tell her to avoid particular pastoral relationships just because you think she might find someone attractive, over time that is going to deeply undermine her ministry.

 

[royal priest]

I agree with @Paidiske in this matter although I disagree with women fulfilling the role of Pastor in church.

However, if a woman is going to Pastor anyway, then she has a responsibility to shepard the members of the church, which will necessarily include both men and women.

Instead of being jealous of the necessity of her counselling men, and thus being alone with them, why don't you talk to her about having the assistant Pastor or an elder sit in on sessions where she must sit and give counselling to the men under her care..

The Pastors that I know meet with the opposite sex in their homes while their wives are at home. It's important to avoid the appearance of evil, especially important for the sake of an elder's reputation.

 

[royal priest]

I'm a wife and a minister. If my husband tried to tell me to neglect my pastoral responsibilities by refusing to meet with someone, that would not be acceptable. A pastoral conversation is not "entertaining" someone.

Are you happy with your wife working in this role? Do you really accept all that comes with it, including pastoral care of men? If not, do you and she need to have a bigger-picture discussion about your marriage, the work both of you do, and how all of that works?

How could you exhort wives to respect their husbands if, by your example, you would not be willing to respect your husband's very reasonable concern? Neglect of one's own marriage is to neglect one's own ministry.