- Jun 3, 2017
- 498
- 439
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- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Eastern Orthodox
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Constitution
I recently had an episode in connection with my new job that resulted in my being fired.
I went into a paranoid depression. My shrink made the recommendation to bump my Risperdal up from 0.5 mg to 1.0. While it's only been a few days, I'm really starting to experience the world in a different way, a way that's both familiar and strange. On the one hand, it's familiar because it feels more like how the world was when I was a child--I recall fairly vividly that I noticed something different about my thoughts after I was about 13. But on the other hand, it's very, very strange. I think it may be the first time I am experiencing the world as an adult should experience it. It feels like... like I've been asleep for 20 years. When I reflect back on the last two decades, I cannot recall a time I have not felt either a hopelessness combined with disinterest in my hobbies, or an overbearing passion and obsession for whatever interests me at the time.
It is especially disorienting to experience ordinary confusion for what I think may be the first time. I've experienced existential confusion, a kind of radical uncertainty about what is real. I've had trouble grasping a handful of concepts I've read in academic textbooks. But I don't think I've ever experienced, that I can remember, the emotions that come when you don't know what someone else means. And so you could say, I'm confused over the experience of being confused. And I imagine that without my meds, this experience would make me horribly sad, but I actually only feel curious over the philosophical side of it all.
But even more than that, I don't feel any of the terrible anxiety over literally everything. It's kind of nice, even if I don't actually have work right now.
I went into a paranoid depression. My shrink made the recommendation to bump my Risperdal up from 0.5 mg to 1.0. While it's only been a few days, I'm really starting to experience the world in a different way, a way that's both familiar and strange. On the one hand, it's familiar because it feels more like how the world was when I was a child--I recall fairly vividly that I noticed something different about my thoughts after I was about 13. But on the other hand, it's very, very strange. I think it may be the first time I am experiencing the world as an adult should experience it. It feels like... like I've been asleep for 20 years. When I reflect back on the last two decades, I cannot recall a time I have not felt either a hopelessness combined with disinterest in my hobbies, or an overbearing passion and obsession for whatever interests me at the time.
It is especially disorienting to experience ordinary confusion for what I think may be the first time. I've experienced existential confusion, a kind of radical uncertainty about what is real. I've had trouble grasping a handful of concepts I've read in academic textbooks. But I don't think I've ever experienced, that I can remember, the emotions that come when you don't know what someone else means. And so you could say, I'm confused over the experience of being confused. And I imagine that without my meds, this experience would make me horribly sad, but I actually only feel curious over the philosophical side of it all.
But even more than that, I don't feel any of the terrible anxiety over literally everything. It's kind of nice, even if I don't actually have work right now.