She's constantly bringing up things I did on the past. In the past, I admit I did not treat her right.
In order for her to stop bringing up things from the past, you have to change your patterns so they are not happening in the present. Otherwise, to her, it will feel like any apologies for your past are worthless since the behavior is ongoing.
It is your responsibility to keep her safe from you. It is your responsibility to hustle after your healthcare and faithfully take all medications. It is not her responsibility to have to worry about your illness. Caretaking after someone to the extent they can caretake after themselves makes you feel like you are taking care of a child, so a romantic, in-love relationship will not bloom.
Since being medicated I thought I treated her a lot better. But, apparently this isn't the case.
You're right. It is not the case. Your post is full of disrespect towards her and showing you impose selfish demands upon her.
She keeps bringing up the past and saying that I constantly cuss in front of her (Which is true, it's a sin I'm battling against daily).
Just. Stop. Cussing. It bothers her. You don't need excuses, you just need to stop. "Trying" or "battling" are code words for not bothering to stop. You can stop today. Do so.
That I'm extremely rude and arrogant,
Based on your posts here, I believe her. Being rude and arrogant towards your wife will not foster a relationship where you are in love with each other. When she tells you things you need to take them seriously and correct them. Don't continue in these behaviors expecting her to continue putting up with them. When she leaves you for being rude and arrogant you'll cry yourself a river wishing you could take it all back, so stop being rude and arrogant now.
that I keep telling her what to do,
Your post bears a lot of evidence that you make selfish demands upon her to facillitate your convenience. Why, for example, are you yelling at her that YOU live in a pigpen? Why can't you wash the sheets or do the laundry? Don't you sleep in the sheets? Isn't some of that laundry yours? Since you are not working you have plenty of time to make sure you are not living in a pigpen. Blaming her is inappropriate. The person who wants a task done the most needs to do it themselves instead of demand others do it for them.
I mean back when we first got married we promised to each other that we would be married for life and that we would never divorce each other. We didn't believe in divorce.
Getting married is promising each other mutual, extraordinary care. You have fallen far short of providing this type of care for her. If you don't want her to be driven to divorce you, you need to step up to provide this extraordinary care for her immediately. If I were you, I'd start showing extraordinary care for her TODAY and hope that she will eventually enjoy the present so much that she forgets about the past.
I knew she treated me badly but I wanted to be married to her for the rest of my life because I loved her and loved her for over a year at that point.
If you stop being rude, arrogant and cease your selfish demands she will likely treat you much better. Also, you need to stay on top of your illness to ensure that any impact to her is as minimal as humanly possible.
I honestly don't know what changed over the last four years.
Well for one thing, you tried to kill her. For another you are rude, arrogant and demanding.
promised God that I would be married and faithful to this woman for the rest of my life. I've kept that promise for over 5 years now.
I would argue that you have not kept your promise. Wasn't love and cherish included in your vows somewhere?
But why does she constantly bring up my past and things that I did to her almost 5 years ago when I wasn't medicated?
This is a tell tale sign that your behavior hasn't changed enough for it to feel different now. You need to stop being rude, arrogant and demanding.
Like constantly bringing up past sins that God has forgiven over 2,000 years ago. God doesn't hold my sins against me anymore so why should she?
See comment above. The behavior needs to change in order for her to be able to move on.
She never cleans or does almost literally anything for me or for God.
Honestly, it sounds like you do nothing for yourself either, and seem to expect that she will do everything for you. Why can't you cook, clean or do dishes?
She just sits on her behind in front of a computer and TV screen literally wasting both of our lives away.
How does this waste your life away? Don't you have free agency to do what you want to do during the day? Why are you blaming her for you wasting your own life away?
Whenever I bring up that I want to start living for God she scoffs at me
Then live for God in a way that attracts her to want to live that way too. Set the example. Why are you not living for God? Why does your living for God depend upon her wanting to join you?
Or when I ask her to spend literally 15 minutes out of her life to talk to God. Nope can't do that. It infuriates me!
This is extremely disrespectful to your wife. Further, if you have anger outbursts at her you need to stop having those TODAY. Anger outbursts are a choice. Anger kills love. A marriage can survive an affair better than it can survive anger. Having displays of infuriation at your wife is abusing her and will kill her love for you. Anger outbursts make you not to be a safe husband for her.
I'm getting sick and tired of living in a pigpen that nobody wants to visit and that reeks 99.9% of the time. I complained the other week when I walked into our bedroom that it reeked EXTREMELY and she was like "That's because there's a bathroom in our bedroom" and I was like "No Jeanette that's body odor and garbage and because you haven't did our laundry in over 2 weeks or washed our bedding in over a year and because you haven't cleaned this place in literally 5 years." And then she was like "I don't know why I don't notice it then." and I was like "That's because we LIVE in it every freaking day!" I almost NEVER complain that we live in a pigstye despite it bothering me each and everyday. She always constantly brings up excuses of "Well my parents never made me clean and we always lived worse than this." Honestly I doubt it? And if we did so what?
So clean it yourself! It is extremely arrogant and rude of you to demand this of her when you will not do it yourself.
You're supposed to be respecting me and doing what I ask you to do. Instead of being so... idk! Insubordinate!
Demanding that your wife be subordinate to you and to "respect" you is a surefire way to make her hate you and want a divorce all the more. You really have the word "respect" wrong, anyway. The Bible says that the wife is to "reverence" her husband (after it says the husband is to treat her lovingly)". Reverence is a feeling. Feeling cannot be commanded or demanded but must be earned. Respect is an action that can be policed, coerced and demanded. Policing, coercing and demanding is not the way our Savior relates to us. Marriage is a type of our unity with Christ. Therefore, the husband should be drawing, loving and convincing (which will inspire the feeling of reverence from the wife) rather than policing, coercing and demanding "respect".
I don't want to divorce her and I deal with it. Yet she can't deal with me being bipolar? And stuff that I did to her so long ago? Let me deal with it when I have to stand before God and give an account to him for everything that I did to her and that I did to the entire world in my lifetime! Let me be massively ashamed THEN.
Well, your problem is that you are being rude, arrogant and demanding now. Her health won't survive in that type of a relationship all of the way until then.
I really hope my wife logs on and reads it and knows how I truly feel
I do too. I'd like her to see that she should not accept the behavior you've described from her husband.
despite me constantly asking her to at least spend time with other Christians like God commanded us to do and like we should be doing as Christians.
"Should"really has no place in a marriage. She is a competent adult and knows what her 'shoulds' are for herself. It is a word that is verboten in my marriage, by both of our agreements. We don't try to educate or sermonize each other. We are very much in love with each other.
It just sounds to me like she's suffering from depression. But of course, she will never take medicine for it.
Diagnosing your spouse is extremely disrespectful. You are not a doctor and have no business getting into this type of commentary about your wife. Further, among women the most common cause of depression is a bad marriage. Once you change your behaviors you'll be amazed at how different your life will be, and how different she will respond to you.
Yet, I'm expected to force myself to take crazy pills twice a day and say nothing about it.
Yes, because you tried to kill her.
I've been faithful, I've been trying to change but It's like she won't even LET me change.
It's quite astonishing that you are blaming your wife for your poor behaviors. I fear this marriage may not be safe for her.
Yes I'm allowed to work. When I'm in this one particular program I can work without the government garnishing my wages as well. I forget the name of the program but It was called ticket to work I believe or something like that. I do not work for several reasons. But most of them are excuses when you examine them.
Men tend to get depressed when they do not feel useful and productive. You should look for a job ASAP and work as much as you can.
If I lose 150-200 pounds I perfectly am capable of working. But right now I couldn't handle a physically demanding job when I can barely walk for 2 minutes without getting exhausted. I've taken such little care of myself over the years that I can barely even stand up for longer than a minute anymore. I haven't really exercised almost my whole life. Lately over the course of the last 2 weeks though we've been walking almost every day. I'm starting to get farther and farther each time so over the course of the next year or so maybe I'll be physically fit enough to be able to hold a job.
This is great progress. Keep this up but get a job ASAP while you continue to make improvements. I know a young lady who is between 400 and 500 pounds who studied for a wastewater treatment certificate and works at wastewater treatment plants. She is on her feet quite a bit of the day - an absolute determined young woman who is an inspiration to me. When life knocks her down she keeps getting up and doing for herself. You need to inspire yourself to just get going.
As for my wife she brought up working several times because quite frankly, we could use the money. We are in pretty large debt at the moment (My fault) and we owe my mother almost $10,000. Back when we were dating she worked for a few months at a local grocery store. She quit because of complicated reasons that I'd rather not get into here. But, she's willing to try again if I am willing. I mean she lives comfortably now because I support her financially and have been since we've been dating. So she's been getting a free ride. Back when she did work she complained that a majority of her check went towards helping me with rent and food and she wanted to save up for college. But I was like "You're working so I want you to help me financially for once." I should have made her keep that job though.
Anyway she can work as well the government doesn't stop her they just will take a majority of her check away now that we're married and I'm on disability. Like say she works minimum wage and makes $400 a week (I believe that's minimum wage now? I haven't really worked since I was 16. I might be shooting high in my example) they would let us keep about $150 of that. She says she's still willing to do it so maybe she should work and we could spend some time apart.
Sir, this is just awful to read. She's willing to work although you are not working right now, in spite of your slothfulness. You seem to feel entitled to make financial decisions with money she earns. You should be very grateful that she is willing to try working again, even with so much of her wages being garnished because of your condition.
I'm actually looking forward to her being gone for a week in Ohio so that I can have some time alone.
I highly recommend you spend that time cleaning up your "pigpen" from top to bottom and present her with a refreshingly clean home upon her return.
I told her to start with doing the dishes everyday since it's WAY disgusting to only do dishes like 1-2 times a week. 6.5 days out of the week there's always a sink full of dishes and dishes are scattered literally all over our apartment. I'm partly to blame because I had a habit of leaving my dishes laying around much to my Dad's disapproval back when I lived with him and my mom. She's doing the dishes right now so she's so far keeping her promise. .
No sir, you are
ENTIRELY to blame because you are using dishes and are not doing them.
I mean yes the house is disgusting and needs to be tended to but I don't want to overwhelm her and cause her to give up. So I think starting small and working our way up is the best way to start. Eventually it just will become a daily habit and people will want to visit us again.
Neo, start working YOUR way up to cleaning up the house. It is very troubling that you are entitled to have her clean up this filthy pigsty of a place that was created by well over a year of your failure to clean anything or even launder your sheets as well.
I'd look forward to your thoughts on these points. Changing in the ways I've described above is not optional if you desire to stay married to your wife.