please help lil ol me who is kinda believing just in case out ):

[Yennora]

Hi there @curlycurl! First of all welcome to CF

I think I will try to help by answering some of your concerns and sharing my experience.

At least half my friends are gay and transgender, would I have to cut them out of my life, but they are so dear to me?

No, you don't have to cut them off at all. You can remain their friend. Check this reply out! -> here.

Isnt everything that isnt god honoring a sin? That means I have to drop out of school, never listen to music thats not christian music anymore, no more watching movies, no more hobbies, not drawing and painting anymore (which is a huge passion in my life). Just thinking about this makes me depressed beyond belief, it makes me feel no happyness to be alive.

No, not at all. You can still listen to non-Christian music and you can still draw. I'm a Christian and I do photography and listen to non-Christian music, I just avoid violent or spiritually negative music. For example, I avoid music with cussing or inappropriate contents or exorcism or else. I try to listen to whatever is neutral or positive. But throw all that is negative away.

God is a friend not a predator. God's main goal for you is to have a healthy pure life. School will help you have a healthy pure life, since it will add to your success. Drawing will put your talent into action. Music will cheer and sooth you and help you progress.

My advice:

Give it all to God. You don't need humans to guide you spiritually. You can use their opinions, but don't let anyone dictate your understanding of God's word. Remember, we are imperfect after all and hence our understanding of God's will. That's why some of us will have conflicting opinions. But it is all about time and our willingness to learn. And God will guide you.

Simply? If you are truly interested in Christianity as a pathway to live a more content and healthy life both mentally and spiritually, then I advise you to not give up on it.

I was once living a terrible life and through Christ my life became much healthier and I found my human value and meaning through him. I became true to myself and to others through God. I became more self-confident and more determined through the security God provided me.

My relationship with God is mainly personal. I stand there, I pray, and he supports me. I try to know God more, I try to please him and he also pleases me and protects me. I can guarantee you that you can approach God without others. Later on you can cooperate with others.

All the best for you!

 

[curlycurl]

Thank you for your reply <3
I undertand that fear is not a good reason to come to good, but I have no idea how to change that, because that is truly my only motivation. How can even change that when I really dont want religion to be real, but my fear makes me stick around. I really dont know how I can change that.

All right . . . so you are learning this. This can be good.

And I was wondering what you meant by this? Do you mean its good that I'm learing to say those things are blasphemies or sins? Or that I can see that my brain is telling me that even when it makes no sense.
It's hard for me because I do have many OCD symptoms, and i wouldnt be suprised if i had it. So my mind tells me many very scary and paranoia things all the time.
Because of me having many anxiety indusing intrusive thoughts, its hard for my to diversitate my own paranoia from logic thinking and perhaps even what God is trying to tell me.

 

[com7fy8]

Because of me having many anxiety indusing intrusive thoughts, its hard for my to diversitate my own paranoia from logic thinking and perhaps even what God is trying to tell me.

Jesus says it is "impossible" for people. This is why we trust God through Jesus to have us succeed. Every one of us has impossible things that only God is able to have us do. We all have needed correction and strengthening so we overcome evil things in us and discover how to submit to God and share with Him and each other in love, instead.

I think you are learning English very well.

"Because of my having many anxiety-inducing intrusive thoughts, it's hard for me to differentiate"

It is good how you know you need to do this; and God cares about us so He pleases to correct us and have us succeeding. And I personally think this is a life-long process, with commitment to keep at it. And as we keep refusing to give in to the cruel stuff of Satan messing with our mind, we become stronger and better in relating in love with people.

And, of course, this comes with submitting to God in His peace and obeying what is in His peace >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

 

[com7fy8]

And I truly am stressing about it, because I dont know if I'm truly commiting blasphemy against the holy spirit, or its my paranoia telling me. For example I tell my self for some reason, If you do this its blasphemy, even though that certain thing is not that at all, for example, doll making is my hobby, and i was planning to make this doll. But in the mist of it all, i told myself, making that doll is blasphemy against the holy spirit, which doesnt really make sense, maybe its a sin for some reason (wouldnt know which one), but I dont see how that can be blashemy. Yet my brain tells me that.

All right . . . so you are learning this. This can be good.

And I was wondering what you meant by this? Do you mean its good that I'm learing to say those things are blasphemies or sins? Or that I can see that my brain is telling me that even when it makes no sense.

I mean it is good how you can see those thoughts are not to be trusted. Also, yes thinking about certain things can be a sin. In the Bible we can read about what needs to have our attention. But God does give us "richly all things to enjoy," we have in 1 Timothy 6:17. So, it can be ok and even good to have enjoyments like your dolls and having skills to work with them.

God's word can help us to tell the difference . . . to differentiate.

And God can give us sense to know things.

And enjoyments are better in loving and sharing with others, rather than in isolation with our own selves. But it is good to be able to be quiet and enjoy God while we do enjoyments by ourselves.

 

[curlycurl]

Jesus says it is "impossible" for people. This is why we trust God through Jesus to have us succeed. Every one of us has impossible things that only God is able to have us do. We all have needed correction and strengthening so we overcome evil things in us and discover how to submit to God and share with Him and each other in love, instead.

I think you are learning English very well.

"Because of my having many anxiety-inducing intrusive thoughts, it's hard for me to differentiate"

It is good how you know you need to do this; and God cares about us so He pleases to correct us and have us succeeding. And I personally think this is a life-long process, with commitment to keep at it. And as we keep refusing to give in to the cruel stuff of Satan messing with our mind, we become stronger and better in relating in love with people.

And, of course, this comes with submitting to God in His peace and obeying what is in His peace >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

Thank you for responding to me again, and thanks for complementing my english haha!

I just hate how my fear is so consuming and making me unable to think rationally.
Today the whole day ive been repeating in my head "i hate myself, and I love God Jesus and the Holy Spirit", and i was probably even muttering it a bit to myself because I often to that when I think, I did it because I was angry with my self. I've been dealing with a lot of self hate my whole life. That being one of the reasons i've always struggled to believe God loved me, even as a child, because I cant imagine someone loving someone like me.
But just now while muttering/thinking I hate myself and love the holy spirit", I think i might have accidentally mixed the two up while saying that mantra, and once I realized I might have said "i hate" to the Spirit istead of to myself I became paralyzed in fear and dread. I know that I dont mean that but it still feels awful.
I wish my mind wasnt such a war zone and I could just stop the thoughts I didnt mean from popping up.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello and welcome to CF.

Prayers for you!!! And you've done a good job of describing your thoughts and reactions to them. I think you're on a good path. (I have read all of your post and some of the replies but not every reply.) A lot could be said and it will take time to work through it all.

First of all, you haven't committed the unpardonable sin. It's NOT something people can just accidentally do. The thoughts may be your brain just running on (if you might have OCD or something similar, you'd have to get a diagnosis to find out) or the enemy very commonly attacks people with intrusive thoughts. You aren't responsible for them either way. The best response is not to interact with them or dwell on them, whatever the source.

Second there's nothing wrong with initially approaching God due to fear. It's not how He wants us to relate to Him, but there's no sin in starting there. It's just a sort of lower level but we all start somewhere and most start there.

Third God isn't looking for us to do mental gymnastics. It's not like God is some kind of arbitrary being who decided on a whim "let's see ... if they can convince themselves purple elves are real, I'll reward them, but if not I'll torture them forever!" That sort of a "god" isn't what He is like at all.

It's more a matter of being open to trust Him. Belief is necessary, but it's not "mental assent". The Scriptures even mention that demons believe and even tremble - that's not salvation. I would suggest reading the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) with openness that Jesus existed and what the accounts say are true. Stay in the Gospels and talk to God, don't worry about the rest of the Bible until you are ready (I'd say until you do accept the Gospels.)

Hell is ... not God wanting to torture anyone. Moses was very close to God, and one time asked to see God's glory. God told him that if he did, it would kill him. Not because God wanted to destroy him, but it's just that God is pure and awesome holiness - and pure LOVE also - He is so much that we in our fallen state can't bear Him. That's what salvation is about. God loves everyone and what He WANTS is to heal everyone to the way He made us in the beginning so that we can be with Him forever. One day this time will end and we won't be shielded from Him anymore. And if we are not healed of how we are now ... just like Moses would have been killed it's not going to be well with us. But God doesn't want that for anyone. He just won't force us either.

As far as so many doctrines and disagreement - yes. This is a terrible reality and one reason I think many can't bring themselves to believe. The reasons are long and complicated through history. I think it's best to consider that people are "like sheep without a shepherd". Yes, they believe what they've been taught. People usually do. Most either accept it fully or get too much and reject it outright. But I think people are mostly doing the best they can. I don't blame anyone for where they are. But I will say that accepting whatever you "hear" in your mind as God speaking to you sets people up to be easily led astray by the enemy, especially when they can't discern the difference. And the enemy is VERY crafty and deceitful.

It's a complex process and it took me decades to get there, but I did sort through the reasons why all the disagreements exist and how they came about in looking for the truth, but that's a very complex discussion and lots of people will disagree (and have been taught otherwise). I think it's usually more likely to do harm than good to discuss. But there's a lot of writing from the first an second century alongside Scripture (I mean the stuff that is accepted and written by those who worked right alongside the Apostles - there are also strange and rejected writings best to avoid) that make things much clearer. That's probably not an exercise for someone just beginning though.

I think I'll stop there. I just see you seem to really be struggling and I wanted to address some of your main concerns. I hope maybe some of it can help.

Again, welcome to CF. Give yourself time. And you have my prayers, and I'm sure those of others here.

Sooo, Hi! Im luna, I'm a 20yo dutch girl and I have been struggling with this for quite a long time and my troubles have been driving me insane the last few days so I thought it was good to reach out.
This is gonna be a long story and I'm gonna be very honest about everything and might even say some things people on here wont like, but there is no point in trying to sugarcoat stuff because if god is out here he knows the truth and my heart anyway.
I was raised slighty religious, my mom told me a few stories about god but I never went to church and knew almost nothing about the bible, I did remember most of my childhood my relationship with god was that i feared him alot, I remember having many bad intrusive thoughts about god and I thought he didn't like me. My dad is muslim but he never raised me as such. As I got older and reached my teen years I kinda naturally stopped believing, I guess it just didn't make sense to me. because I wasn't very religious anyway and because most people in my country don't believe, so for me that wasnt a huge development (more than half of people in the netherlands don't have a religion).

It wasn't till I was about 16 that a started to doubt, I remember having a scare about the world ending, and I started thinking: "what if there is a hell?", that lead me into one of the biggest depressions I ever had, I started to try believing and praying, but it wasnt easy for me, because I kind of did not believe, I still had the biggest part of myself that not did believe it and just had the concern of "even if their is a tiny chance of the christian god being real, it being real would mean eternal torture, so I should believe in that just in case. (like Pascal's wager)
I cried and begged alot those months, begging god to help me believe and help save me and my family, but I will admit that in my heart I did not want to believe, I didn't want any of it to be real, my want for salvation was out of a place of fear.
I am gonna be very very honest, when i say i truly hope there is no afterlife.
I say this for multiple reasons, first of being that I never minded the idea of nothing happening when we die, if anything, the nothingness seemed comforting to me.
Second of all the idea of people suffering in the afterlife was unbearable for me, I have family member who died of who I know didn't really believe, they were a bit spiritual at most, and i've had a friend commit suicide who wasnt religious. The thought of them having such a torture makes me wanna trow up, how can I even go about my day with the idea of that being a reality? I rather have nobody go anywere and it just being nothingness if that means people dont have to suffer.
But how do I even stop feeling that way? How can I get myself to believe when my brain doesnt allow me to? I will admit that this is all out of a place of fear and If christianity didn't have a hell i probably wouldnt even bother with it (or maybe the opposite because the concept of hell is my biggest problem with it). I feel like my fear is the thing keeping me around. Im not gonna lie, It makes me angry, Im thinking: "how can it be true loved if there is a treat, If its forced by fear? How is there really free wil if the other side is having the most excruciating pain for the rest of eternity. That doesn't feel like free will. I rather wanted to not be born if the case is, either live a christian life perfetly or suffer. It seemed cruel to me.

Then after reading more into christianity I discovered the passage matthew 12:31-32 about the unforgiveble sin, and because of my problem with intrusive thoughts, bad thoughts about the holy spirit started appearing in my head without me wanting me too. I didn't mean it, the things that popped into my head didnt even make sense, and I didnt even properly understand what it all meant. I did feel afwul about it. I felt like I comitted something and was doomed. I dont think i was saved at the time, or currently am, I really dont know, I mean, how can you be saved if you have the majority of yourself who doesnt even believe in god, or doesnt even want it to be real. Yet the idea that i was never able to come to god again even if i later changed my mind because i had those bad thoughts in my head, was horrifying.
A bit after that I started to doubt god alot more again, my two reasons at the time mostly being: 1, the fact that it seemed that almost every christian had a different understanding of certain scriptures, because if i for example had doubts about what a certain passage meant, and i tried to look online what other people thought, they all said something else and yet they all said god told them that was the truth, how can god tell everyone something else? that made me think, "why do people all have their own version of god?"'. Even on really important issues like if salvation can be lost, people didnt agree, yet they all said god told them.
Another reason that I was doubting was because it seemed liked the biggest reason someone is part of a certain religion is because they are born in a country were that religion is big and were raised that way, people in muslim countries are convinced their god is real because they were raised that way, and if someone who is christian in for example America, was born in Irak for example, they wouldve been muslim too. And once someone has been raised a certain religion, its hard to convince them of anything because they are hardened in their beliefs. I seemed weird to me that someone can pick the wrong religion and go to hell just because they were born in a certain country. I hear people say "well they have acces to christianity everywhere" but I think people underestimate how stuck people can get in their beliefs once theyve been raised to believe it their whole lives.
So those reasons, and some evolutionary beliefs I have, plus the fact that my brain just didnt allow me to not be skeptic and have many doubts, were reasons why is slowly started to fall back in not really worrying about it as much and believing less.(by the way with my reasons of not believing im not trying to judge people who believe or convince people to not believe, I'm just stating my own personal reasons.

After that period when I was 16, I mostly returned to my habits before, not completely though, I did pray or talk to god once everywhile and felt more in touch with him I think and wouldn't really called myself a athiest anymore as much, and i people asked me what I believed happened after we die, id say "I hope nothing". Plus my fear of hell and god and blasphemy the holy spirit has been more present ever since, If I for example were to listen to a podcast and someone in the podcast would make a joke regarding the holy spirit, I would freak out, and unfollow that podcast and never listen to it again, in the fear of that still supporting that person would be blasphemy of its own. And I'd still have intrusive bad thought. Which even though I moslty did not believe in a god, still scared me because I thought, "what if I wanna go back to christianity or at least take slow steps towards it, and I cant because I've done something that's unforgiveable?

The last week my fears started bubbling up alot more again, not sure why, probably because ive had many free days and alot of time to think. I was reading a fairytale book to my younger siblings, and christian story was in it, yet it was not out of the bible, it was made up, and the story mentioned the holy trinity, and I started thinking "isnt naming the holy trinity in a made up story like that blasphemy? So out of my panick i trew this whole (expessive) fairytail book in the trash, and from there on out i kinda went into a spiral of my old fears. This was the story by the way Our Lady's Child - Grimm .

Because of my anxiety coming back again I started getting the intrusive thoughts more again, very weird thoughts that make no sense, my brain wont stop, and the more I stress about them, the more they come, just like when you tell yourself, dont think about a pink elefant, you'll think about it.
And I truly am stressing about it, because I dont know if I'm truly commiting blasphemy against the holy spirit, or its my paranoia telling me. For example I tell my self for some reason, If you do this its blasphemy, even though that certain thing is not that at all, for example, doll making is my hobby, and i was planning to make this doll. But in the mist of it all, i told myself, making that doll is blasphemy against the holy spirit, which doesnt really make sense, maybe its a sin for some reason (wouldnt know which one), but I dont see how that can be blashemy. Yet my brain tells me that. I have those weird thoughts more often though, for example i tell my self if you dont wash your hands twice youll get really sick, or other habits that i need to do a certain amount of times or else i feel bad. Im pretty sure I have some OCD but never got diagnosed.
And yesterday I read the comments on a youtube video about someone talking about commiting blasphemy against the holy spirit, and someone in the comments descibed the blasphemous thoughts they had, and they were pretty awful and graphic, and now i cant stop having the things that comments said and even visuals popping into my head, and it feels awful. People say, if you are a believer and are saved, that means you havent commited it, because the fact that you feel quilty means the spirit is still working with you. But I dont know if I was even saved in the first place, or even received the holy spirit, if i did I wouldve known right? And how can I even be saved If i still mostly doubt if god exists and the biggest reason for wanting to believe still is out of fear?
People also say blasphemy against the holy spirit is saying the spirit is of the devil even after you've seen the powers and seen the light. Which is truly not my case, I dont have any ill will against God Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and the things I've said are not things I truly mean, they are just very weird random things that pop into my head. And I dont think ive seen and felt Gods light and power, or else I wouldnt be so doubtfull. I dont understand what any of it means by heart. Yet I feel fear.
And you might think, "but you barely believe right, why are you so worried about it?"
Well im gonna be really honest, even though I really cant get myself to believe completely, I am still thinking in my mind, "at one point of my life I have to get myself to believe, or else dying without believing is too big of a risk, and I should try to convince my family to believe at that point too".
I know that is bad, but I struggle, the only reason I want to believe is out of fear of hell, and I don't know how to not do that.
So the idea of my already burning that bridge by blasphemy and not being able to turn to god anymore is scary.
I feel pretty lost.
Im also scared that I'll harden my heart the longer I dont believe, but how will get get myself to believe? When I really dont want to live my life a christian, but just fear hell.

I know some people might be angry or wont like that I cant get myself to believe, but its hard, Imagine someone saying you have to believe in santa (im not saying God is like santa but I need a example), how can you tell yourself to believe when your commen sense doesnt allow you too.
Its really hard when you werent really raised to believe.

So yea, there goes my super long story, I hope I said nothing that angered or offended people.
Im not even sure what I want by typing all this, maybe to relieve stress by typing it all out, but also I'd like your insight, because I feel like i cant hande not having anybody to talk with about this anymore.

 

[curlycurl]

I mean it is good how you can see those thoughts are not to be trusted. Also, yes thinking about certain things can be a sin. In the Bible we can read about what needs to have our attention. But God does give us "richly all things to enjoy," we have in 1 Timothy 6:17. So, it can be ok and even good to have enjoyments like your dolls and having skills to work with them.

God's word can help us to tell the difference . . . to differentiate.

And God can give us sense to know things.

And enjoyments are better in loving and sharing with others, rather than in isolation with our own selves. But it is good to be able to be quiet and enjoy God while we do enjoyments by ourselves.

Thank you for your words, they help me alot when im feeling so anxious and depressed.
I really appriciate it.
I first thought that to live a christian life, it meant no more hobbies like painting drawing and arts and crafts, but I feel alot more positive knowing that isnt the case.

 

[Dave-W]

I first thought that to live a christian life, it meant no more hobbies like painting drawing and arts and crafts, but I feel alot more positive knowing that isnt the case.

Indeed. There is an almost 2000 year tradition of Christian artwork.

 

[com7fy8]

I first thought that to live a christian life, it meant no more hobbies like painting drawing and arts and crafts, but I feel alot more positive knowing that isnt the case.

I do photography of nature, and I might use a photo for giving a Bible lesson; here is a sample of what I can do on my computer >

 

[eleos1954]

Sooo, Hi! Im luna, I'm a 20yo dutch girl and I have been struggling with this for quite a long time and my troubles have been driving me insane the last few days so I thought it was good to reach out.
This is gonna be a long story and I'm gonna be very honest about everything and might even say some things people on here wont like, but there is no point in trying to sugarcoat stuff because if god is out here he knows the truth and my heart anyway.
I was raised slighty religious, my mom told me a few stories about god but I never went to church and knew almost nothing about the bible, I did remember most of my childhood my relationship with god was that i feared him alot, I remember having many bad intrusive thoughts about god and I thought he didn't like me. My dad is muslim but he never raised me as such. As I got older and reached my teen years I kinda naturally stopped believing, I guess it just didn't make sense to me. because I wasn't very religious anyway and because most people in my country don't believe, so for me that wasnt a huge development (more than half of people in the netherlands don't have a religion).

It wasn't till I was about 16 that a started to doubt, I remember having a scare about the world ending, and I started thinking: "what if there is a hell?", that lead me into one of the biggest depressions I ever had, I started to try believing and praying, but it wasnt easy for me, because I kind of did not believe, I still had the biggest part of myself that not did believe it and just had the concern of "even if their is a tiny chance of the christian god being real, it being real would mean eternal torture, so I should believe in that just in case. (like Pascal's wager)
I cried and begged alot those months, begging god to help me believe and help save me and my family, but I will admit that in my heart I did not want to believe, I didn't want any of it to be real, my want for salvation was out of a place of fear.
I am gonna be very very honest, when i say i truly hope there is no afterlife.
I say this for multiple reasons, first of being that I never minded the idea of nothing happening when we die, if anything, the nothingness seemed comforting to me.
Second of all the idea of people suffering in the afterlife was unbearable for me, I have family member who died of who I know didn't really believe, they were a bit spiritual at most, and i've had a friend commit suicide who wasnt religious. The thought of them having such a torture makes me wanna trow up, how can I even go about my day with the idea of that being a reality? I rather have nobody go anywere and it just being nothingness if that means people dont have to suffer.
But how do I even stop feeling that way? How can I get myself to believe when my brain doesnt allow me to? I will admit that this is all out of a place of fear and If christianity didn't have a hell i probably wouldnt even bother with it (or maybe the opposite because the concept of hell is my biggest problem with it). I feel like my fear is the thing keeping me around. Im not gonna lie, It makes me angry, Im thinking: "how can it be true loved if there is a treat, If its forced by fear? How is there really free wil if the other side is having the most excruciating pain for the rest of eternity. That doesn't feel like free will. I rather wanted to not be born if the case is, either live a christian life perfetly or suffer. It seemed cruel to me.

Then after reading more into christianity I discovered the passage matthew 12:31-32 about the unforgiveble sin, and because of my problem with intrusive thoughts, bad thoughts about the holy spirit started appearing in my head without me wanting me too. I didn't mean it, the things that popped into my head didnt even make sense, and I didnt even properly understand what it all meant. I did feel afwul about it. I felt like I comitted something and was doomed. I dont think i was saved at the time, or currently am, I really dont know, I mean, how can you be saved if you have the majority of yourself who doesnt even believe in god, or doesnt even want it to be real. Yet the idea that i was never able to come to god again even if i later changed my mind because i had those bad thoughts in my head, was horrifying.
A bit after that I started to doubt god alot more again, my two reasons at the time mostly being: 1, the fact that it seemed that almost every christian had a different understanding of certain scriptures, because if i for example had doubts about what a certain passage meant, and i tried to look online what other people thought, they all said something else and yet they all said god told them that was the truth, how can god tell everyone something else? that made me think, "why do people all have their own version of god?"'. Even on really important issues like if salvation can be lost, people didnt agree, yet they all said god told them.
Another reason that I was doubting was because it seemed liked the biggest reason someone is part of a certain religion is because they are born in a country were that religion is big and were raised that way, people in muslim countries are convinced their god is real because they were raised that way, and if someone who is christian in for example America, was born in Irak for example, they wouldve been muslim too. And once someone has been raised a certain religion, its hard to convince them of anything because they are hardened in their beliefs. I seemed weird to me that someone can pick the wrong religion and go to hell just because they were born in a certain country. I hear people say "well they have acces to christianity everywhere" but I think people underestimate how stuck people can get in their beliefs once theyve been raised to believe it their whole lives.
So those reasons, and some evolutionary beliefs I have, plus the fact that my brain just didnt allow me to not be skeptic and have many doubts, were reasons why is slowly started to fall back in not really worrying about it as much and believing less.(by the way with my reasons of not believing im not trying to judge people who believe or convince people to not believe, I'm just stating my own personal reasons.

After that period when I was 16, I mostly returned to my habits before, not completely though, I did pray or talk to god once everywhile and felt more in touch with him I think and wouldn't really called myself a athiest anymore as much, and i people asked me what I believed happened after we die, id say "I hope nothing". Plus my fear of hell and god and blasphemy the holy spirit has been more present ever since, If I for example were to listen to a podcast and someone in the podcast would make a joke regarding the holy spirit, I would freak out, and unfollow that podcast and never listen to it again, in the fear of that still supporting that person would be blasphemy of its own. And I'd still have intrusive bad thought. Which even though I moslty did not believe in a god, still scared me because I thought, "what if I wanna go back to christianity or at least take slow steps towards it, and I cant because I've done something that's unforgiveable?

The last week my fears started bubbling up alot more again, not sure why, probably because ive had many free days and alot of time to think. I was reading a fairytale book to my younger siblings, and christian story was in it, yet it was not out of the bible, it was made up, and the story mentioned the holy trinity, and I started thinking "isnt naming the holy trinity in a made up story like that blasphemy? So out of my panick i trew this whole (expessive) fairytail book in the trash, and from there on out i kinda went into a spiral of my old fears. This was the story by the way Our Lady's Child - Grimm .

Because of my anxiety coming back again I started getting the intrusive thoughts more again, very weird thoughts that make no sense, my brain wont stop, and the more I stress about them, the more they come, just like when you tell yourself, dont think about a pink elefant, you'll think about it.
And I truly am stressing about it, because I dont know if I'm truly commiting blasphemy against the holy spirit, or its my paranoia telling me. For example I tell my self for some reason, If you do this its blasphemy, even though that certain thing is not that at all, for example, doll making is my hobby, and i was planning to make this doll. But in the mist of it all, i told myself, making that doll is blasphemy against the holy spirit, which doesnt really make sense, maybe its a sin for some reason (wouldnt know which one), but I dont see how that can be blashemy. Yet my brain tells me that. I have those weird thoughts more often though, for example i tell my self if you dont wash your hands twice youll get really sick, or other habits that i need to do a certain amount of times or else i feel bad. Im pretty sure I have some OCD but never got diagnosed.
And yesterday I read the comments on a youtube video about someone talking about commiting blasphemy against the holy spirit, and someone in the comments descibed the blasphemous thoughts they had, and they were pretty awful and graphic, and now i cant stop having the things that comments said and even visuals popping into my head, and it feels awful. People say, if you are a believer and are saved, that means you havent commited it, because the fact that you feel quilty means the spirit is still working with you. But I dont know if I was even saved in the first place, or even received the holy spirit, if i did I wouldve known right? And how can I even be saved If i still mostly doubt if god exists and the biggest reason for wanting to believe still is out of fear?
People also say blasphemy against the holy spirit is saying the spirit is of the devil even after you've seen the powers and seen the light. Which is truly not my case, I dont have any ill will against God Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and the things I've said are not things I truly mean, they are just very weird random things that pop into my head. And I dont think ive seen and felt Gods light and power, or else I wouldnt be so doubtfull. I dont understand what any of it means by heart. Yet I feel fear.
And you might think, "but you barely believe right, why are you so worried about it?"
Well im gonna be really honest, even though I really cant get myself to believe completely, I am still thinking in my mind, "at one point of my life I have to get myself to believe, or else dying without believing is too big of a risk, and I should try to convince my family to believe at that point too".
I know that is bad, but I struggle, the only reason I want to believe is out of fear of hell, and I don't know how to not do that.
So the idea of my already burning that bridge by blasphemy and not being able to turn to god anymore is scary.
I feel pretty lost.
Im also scared that I'll harden my heart the longer I dont believe, but how will get get myself to believe? When I really dont want to live my life a christian, but just fear hell.

I know some people might be angry or wont like that I cant get myself to believe, but its hard, Imagine someone saying you have to believe in santa (im not saying God is like santa but I need a example), how can you tell yourself to believe when your commen sense doesnt allow you too.
Its really hard when you werent really raised to believe.

So yea, there goes my super long story, I hope I said nothing that angered or offended people.
Im not even sure what I want by typing all this, maybe to relieve stress by typing it all out, but also I'd like your insight, because I feel like i cant hande not having anybody to talk with about this anymore.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

You need to get into the Word of God yourself. God knows you don't have much knowledge about Him at this point. He wants you to know Him and the way that happens is diligently studying His word.

God loves you more than your mind can comprehend. He wants you to come to Him out of Love and not being afraid of Him.

Also, the teaching of eternal torment, is in error. Yes, there are many that teach this ... but again .... they are in error. This incorrect teaching has prevented so many from coming to the Lord than anything I know of.

What loving God would torture people for eternity? People instinctively know this is absurd .... and they are correct.

Following would be recommendations of where to start.

The Gospel of John
The Gospel of Mark
I John
II John
III John
Genesis
Ephesians
Galatians
The Gospel of Luke
The Gospel of Matthew
I Corinthians
II Corinthians
Romans
Psalms
Proverbs

There is a lot to learn .... but you will not be at rest until you do. Don't worry about blasphemy and such ... the Lord is wanting you to learn more about Him ... so do that .... and you will be amazed!

God Bless you as you begin to learn and walk with Him. Amen.

 

[curlycurl]

I do photography of nature, and I might use a photo for giving a Bible lesson; here is a sample of what I can do on my computer >

View attachment 260330

That's great! (I love birds )

 

[curlycurl]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

You need to get into the Word of God yourself. God knows you don't have much knowledge about Him at this point. He wants you to know Him and the way that happens is diligently studying His word.

God loves you more than your mind can comprehend. He wants you to come to Him out of Love and not being afraid of Him.

Also, the teaching of eternal torment, is in error. Yes, there are many that teach this ... but again .... they are in error. This incorrect teaching has prevented so many from coming to the Lord than anything I know of.

What loving God would torture people for eternity? People instinctively know this is absurd .... and they are correct.

Following would be recommendations of where to start.

The Gospel of John
The Gospel of Mark
I John
II John
III John
Genesis
Ephesians
Galatians
The Gospel of Luke
The Gospel of Matthew
I Corinthians
II Corinthians
Romans
Psalms
Proverbs

There is a lot to learn .... but you will not be at rest until you do. Don't worry about blasphemy and such ... the Lord is wanting you to learn more about Him ... so do that .... and you will be amazed!

God Bless you as you begin to learn and walk with Him. Amen.

Thank you for your kind and incouraging words <3

 

[Coleton Bryce Ritmanich]

Thank you for your kind and incouraging words <3

Hope we all can help.

 

[46AND2]

Im wondering, because you said that you once were in the same place as me, I was wondering how you came to the point where you are now? Do you feel no fears or doubts? (If you dont mind answering of course )

My situation was a little bit different, but I understand your fear and desire to believe "just in case." I was raised in a Christian home, and as such, I never really feared hell. I always assumed that I was going to heaven.

So when I started to lose my faith, it wasn't hell I feared--because my belief in hell waned along with my faith in god--it was the nothingness that I now expect after death. It's hard for me to describe, but the ceasing of consciousness freaks the hell out of me. Pardon the pun. And so I pleaded with god for a long time to renew my faith, and sought answers to my doubts through Bible, prayer, and counsel...all for more than a decade, and even kind of continues now, a decade later.

This may sound strange coming from a non-believer, but my advice would be to read your Bible. Seek truth. Be open-minded to both possibilities. Eventually, you will become convinced one way or the other, and will feel confident that your decision is not based on fear, but rather the insight you have gained through study and prayer. Because let's face it, belief out of fear is not really belief, anyway--god would see through that, would he not?

I'm sorry that you had to face mortality at such a young age with people you know passing away. I was fortunate in that I did not have to deal with that until I was quite a bit older. Unfortunately, there is no quick easy answer, in my opinion. And yes, I still have that fear of death. But I don't fear hell. I'm sure many of the Christians here will disagree with me, but if god exists, and is as loving a father as they say, I don't think he'd punish me for all eternity after earnestly seeking him out and simply being incapable of believing. Because belief is not a choice. It's an involuntary conviction based on information and stimuli to which you have been exposed--and the more of that I gain, the more profound my disbelief becomes, despite my continuous attempt at the opposite. I look at my lack of faith in the same way a scientist looks at a hypothesis. By testing it in ways that could falsify it.

 

[ajcarey]

Thank you for your reply, and thank you for saying that you appriciate my honeslty, I was a bit afraid people were gonna be angry with me for questioning, but im happy that wasnt the case.

You said I was dreading God because I'm not ready to meet him, and i'd say thats true.
But then again, when will I be ready? I feel like im procrastinating giving my self up to God (not sure if thats the right way to say it), because I dont want to. How can do that when the only reason for even seeking God in my case was out of fear of the consequences if I dont. I know that many Christians come to god purely out of a place of wanting him in their life and they dont even think about hell. But unfortunately thats not the case with me at the moment. I strongly want to keep living the way I always have, and I think that maybe if God told me, you can either live a life however you want, and your sould will cease to exist (so no hell, just dissapearing), or you could live a life purely decidated to God, and go to heaven. I might say that i'd rather just cease to exist.
But maybe thats just because I personally cant imagine a future I want for myself as a christian, which could be because I really dont have anyone I my life that I know that lived a dedicated christian lifestyle.

You say there are more reasons for Christians to believe in god than just fearing hell, and I can see that that is the case for many.
But how can I get myself to be like that? I feel if hell wasnt a part of religion, i'd propably run away from religion as fast as I could.
For me its really the only reason, im sorry to say that, but its true.
And im not too sure what I can do about that.
Right now I'm in a struggle to get myself to believe, with my only motivation being fear.

Also you gave me a few reasons to why people could interpret certain criptures differently, which I can understand.
But I still struggle with that idea. Its not just preachers Im talking about, but also just people on the internet, people on blogs and youtube. All saying they are certain of cetrain things and saying they had gods voice tell them, but yet they dont think the same. Many of those people I truly think they believe what they say, but how can what they think God tells them be wrong? Its very confusing to me. I can see how they can interpret things differently by simply reading it in different context, but when they truly seem to believe it in their heart, its different that just reading it different it seems like.

Thanks again!

I didn't read through every other reply due to lack of time and mental energy, so I might say something that others have already said, but your honesty is refreshing and if you keep seeking, reading the Bible without bias, and still continue to be honest and respond accordingly with what you see you're going to be convinced eventually to embrace the Jesus of the Bible and live for Him (I emphasize "real" because many preach a false jesus who doesn't line up with the Bible). You know your life will have to change and you'll have to give up on much, though perhaps your overreacting some (example: drawing and being artistic can be done compatible with being a Christian if you love God more and don't do artwork that would offend Him- and much artwork doesn't offend Him though some does. Painting beautiful pictures could actually be a great service to God when your life is otherwise in line with Him. There is a piece of artwork my uncle did which has been a very important part of my Christian life because of the Bible truth it represented so excellently). But what shall it profit a man or woman to gain the whole world and lose their own soul, right? You can see that much and it's good you're at least letting that stir you to action to seek more answers.

I'm going to just leave you a few Scriptures to consider the lesson in them so I don't make my response unnecessarily complicated: "for the ways of the Lord are right, and the just shall walk in them: but the transgressors shall fall therein." (Hosea 14:9b) "The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb." God's wisdom is true, right, and perfect- even the wisdom of sending transgressors to hell stems from the excellence of the wisdom and rightness of the ways of the God they rejected. Every good thing you and I know is from Him and every truly right principle we know stems from Him. Why would we not want all of Him and not choose to walk in all His judgments and commandments? Obviously because doing so is often not pleasant at the moment nor popular nor consistent with the pride and vainglory of life which the world teaches us to esteem and follow after. But it is the world's corrupt values and expectations and lies which paint the God of the Bible in a bad light- the truth of God itself stands, remains excellent and wisdom cries everywhere to validate it and vindicate it. Being in line with your Creator is right, true, and the ultimate fulfillment (it is what we were made for)- and though right now the fear of hell is all that motivates you to seek the truth about Him and get right with Him, if you still just keep your eyes open to the evidence already available to you and receive it you're going to see and be convinced of even more. Keep doing that and it will you eventually convince you in every way you need to be convinced of how right and proper it is to bow before Him and serve Him.

 

[curlycurl]

Hi everyone Here I am again. I felt better after talking to you yesterday, but once again now I found myself in a darker hole again. The blasphemous thoughts wont stop terrorizing me and even I have a few that are floating in the back of my head and im scared that if I let my guard down for second i'll say those things out loud in my head (not sure if that makes sense but its like there is a difference between knowing and feeling the thought in your head and actually letting it in and speaking it in your head. Ive been contently trying to keep myself focused. I havent even eaten like 20 hours i think because I am scared the thoughts will start attacking me once its quiet and not focused on keeping my mind busy. Ive just been listening to sermon videos 24/7, I even play them when I'm trying to sleep, because I'm scared my mind will give in once its quiet and I'm trying to sleep. I have even called in sick for work the last 2 days because I work as a cleaner and then when I'm cleaning im totally alone with my mind and I'm scared the thoughts will come (the stress did make me sick though, to the point of being feverish and trowing up) And the thoughts are really awful, the make no sense but are gross and make me want to cry. I have bible at home but I'm scared to start reading it now because I fear the thoughts will come more then.. I know everyone said that If i dont mean them and I can't help them, its okay and God will understand and forgive me, but i keep thinking "what if thats not the case?". what if once I let those thoughts in, its over, or what if God already doesnt want anything to do with me. Because I feel nothing, no feeling of relief or feeling that im being heard, when I'm praying. What is my heard has hardened? Im also doubting about god existence so much, and I realize im not helping that because I'm also watching athiest videos, pretty much hoping for a prove its all not real and I dont have to worry so much and me fearfull. But my doubs also make me scared im hardening my heart and am being blasphemous. Because if I were to watch a faith healing video, I would doubt if it was real, because I'm doubting God's existence as a whole, but i'm thinking, "that means im also doubting the holy spirit right? Is that blasphemy?"
Plus I feel guilty because I'm even questioning "why is that the unforgivable sin? I dont understand, it almost makes me angry" I cant help feeling that way, i'm trying to understand but its hard. Plus when I read that verse, the part of me that doesnt believe thinks of ways that who ever wrote the bible, "I wonder what gain they had from adding that verse". I even feel bad writing that but thats how I always saw the whole bible, "ways that the people who wrote used to control and manipulate people".

I feel a bit weird and quilty for coming here in distress again after you guys tried to comfort me, but I'm incredibly lost and scared and I'm not sure what to do.
My mom has become more christia lately and she is so convinced that God loves her, even if she is not acting perfectly. I see that many people feel that way.
Then why can't I ever feel that way? Why do I always feel like God doesnt like me and is angry with me, and doesnt want me? If had that feeling as long as I can remember, probably already had those thought since I was like 5 or 6.
I wish I was like those people who truly really wanted to come to God. For who it was like stepping into a warm hug. But for me it feels like I have to indure a painfull icebath for whole my life, so I have a smaller risk of a life of eternal damnation.
I won't lie to you if i say that all I really want is to just life my life normally again.

 

[Justasking123]

Which blasphemous thoughts are you having?

 

[Deade]

Hello Curlycurl,
welcome to CF.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.