Fear of Oppo Sex

[Matthew Frazier]

I am in pretty bad shape right now mentally because I haven’t got any good help IRL or from other forums. After receiving rejections from most women I have been interested in, while having other women who I was previously good friends with slip away from me upon leaving uni, I’ve decided to be content with remaining single rather than risk frustration over women. But even with a fair amount of friendships early on in my life being women/girls who happen to be friends, my anxiety has caused me to generalise against the entire opposite sex. In my experience and generation It’s either back off or spending every waking moment together. It’s kind of a defense mechanism that I’ve used to respond to my perceived loss of women’s interest to be friends with me, whether it be growing apart, beliefs on certain topics don't align, someone getting married, or some woman just plain doesn’t like me. This is all getting to my head, now to the point that any situation involving women, in both my social life and my upcoming future jobs, will be a stepping stone for humiliation. There is nothing in me to like out of any gender and it seems like God expects absolute purity out of me but wants to see me make a fool out of myself with women.

I’ve lost several nights of solid sleep and sanity over my many failures and mistakes with women and my worries over these thoughts. Any help and hope here?

BTW No talk about finding a new church, if possible. I tend to get lost in large groups and my previous negative experiences in church are some of the root causes for my anxiety/PTSD-like symptoms and fear of women.

 

[Dansiph]

I am in pretty bad shape right now mentally because I haven’t got any good help IRL or from other forums. After receiving rejections from most women I have been interested in, while having other women who I was previously good friends with slip away from me upon leaving uni, I’ve decided to be content with remaining single rather than risk frustration over women. But even with a fair amount of friendships early on in my life being women/girls who happen to be friends, my anxiety has caused me to generalise against the entire opposite sex. In my experience and generation It’s either back off or spending every waking moment together. It’s kind of a defense mechanism that I’ve used to respond to my perceived loss of women’s interest to be friends with me, whether it be growing apart, beliefs on certain topics don't align, someone getting married, or some woman just plain doesn’t like me. This is all getting to my head, now to the point that any situation involving women, in both my social life and my upcoming future jobs, will be a stepping stone for humiliation. There is nothing in me to like out of any gender and it seems like God expects absolute purity out of me but wants to see me make a fool out of myself with women.

I’ve lost several nights of solid sleep and sanity over my many failures and mistakes with women and my worries over these thoughts. Any help and hope here?

BTW No talk about finding a new church, if possible. I tend to get lost in large groups and my previous negative experiences in church are some of the root causes for my anxiety/PTSD-like symptoms and fear of women.

I'm not sure how much help I can be but what is it you are actually afraid of? I know this might seem like a silly question but sometimes it's good to break it down. Pin point your fears so they can be challenged.

 

[eleos1954]

I am in pretty bad shape right now mentally because I haven’t got any good help IRL or from other forums. After receiving rejections from most women I have been interested in, while having other women who I was previously good friends with slip away from me upon leaving uni, I’ve decided to be content with remaining single rather than risk frustration over women. But even with a fair amount of friendships early on in my life being women/girls who happen to be friends, my anxiety has caused me to generalise against the entire opposite sex. In my experience and generation It’s either back off or spending every waking moment together. It’s kind of a defense mechanism that I’ve used to respond to my perceived loss of women’s interest to be friends with me, whether it be growing apart, beliefs on certain topics don't align, someone getting married, or some woman just plain doesn’t like me. This is all getting to my head, now to the point that any situation involving women, in both my social life and my upcoming future jobs, will be a stepping stone for humiliation. There is nothing in me to like out of any gender and it seems like God expects absolute purity out of me but wants to see me make a fool out of myself with women.

I’ve lost several nights of solid sleep and sanity over my many failures and mistakes with women and my worries over these thoughts. Any help and hope here?

BTW No talk about finding a new church, if possible. I tend to get lost in large groups and my previous negative experiences in church are some of the root causes for my anxiety/PTSD-like symptoms and fear of women.

Sounds like maybe you are trying to hard. You just need to be yourself. Some people you will click with ... some you will not. That's life.

Worrying about it certainly won't do any good.

Just be kind to everyone ... and let things play out from there.

God Bless.

 

[Matthew Frazier]

I'm not sure how much help I can be but what is it you are actually afraid of? I know this might seem like a silly question but sometimes it's good to break it down. Pin point your fears so they can be challenged.

Hi Aspzan,

Thanks for the speedy response. You are already a big help by seeking to understand the situation. It's not a silly question at all. For my fears, here it goes:

As the old blues song goes I must have been born under a bad sign because I've always seemed to be living under a pressure cooker to date to be popular with the crowd. Of course I've had to deal with some of the pressure to date in junior high and high school, but I've started to freak out in college because many of my friends still used relationship status as a measure of success, and they're not afraid to make me feel inadequate for my singleness through social media. In the church that I left two years ago the pressure even worsened, with women closing themselves off to men unless it was for the purpose of marriage, and single people, albeit were tolerated, often were portrayed as the lonely impure souls out to chase ungodly desires and pursue what they believed to be sinful relationships with the opposite gender. Some of the barriers I experienced in church still permeated into everday life, so when I ask out a crush and they say things like "lets just be friends", the response I've got every time, I've seemed to fall prey to the "Nice Guy Syndrome". But unlike people who use that as a license for entitlement, I treat people genuinely friendly not expecting anything, and always show people love to make them feel good. Whats the use though?

The worst of my fears that have come to light recently is an old crush of mine who recently got engaged. After some sappy SM posts and ignored text messages when I tried to wish her a happy birthday and catchup with her, I found out she was getting engaged on Insta (possibly why I was getting ghosted), which really drove me over the edge on top of a few other things that were going on at the time. This hit me even harder because she had previously shown interest in me, now it seems like the one and only woman to reciprocate my affection is treating me like I don't even exist. Now even women who I frequently saw and conversed with during college don't talk to me anymore, even when I'm not interested in dating them. Hence my fear that men and women can't be friends, and my fear that I'm only good in a moment and junk the next. Now I've been brought here because I can't talk to anybody civily about this issue. My best friend still wants to engage me about romantic interests even though I'm still mourning over a lost crush. Like my feelings aren't valid. My mom, usually the most supportive person around, acted distracted and uninterested in talking to me about all of this; she's going through her own rocky transition phase like myself.

Sorry for the length of this post, but your willingness to reach out to me has helped me to come out of my shell. God bless you, Aspzan.

 

[Matthew Frazier]

Sounds like maybe you are trying to hard. You just need to be yourself. Some people you will click with ... some you will not. That's life.

Worrying about it certainly won't do any good.

Just be kind to everyone ... and let things play out from there.

God Bless.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply and for coming in clutch. But why would anybody from both genders even value me? There are 7 billion people in this world, each one has their own story, yet also their impenetrable cliques that make it impossible for me to share myself with. I'm too small and insignificant to even make a difference.

 

[Dansiph]

Hi Aspzan,

Thanks for the speedy response. You are already a big help by seeking to understand the situation. It's not a silly question at all. For my fears, here it goes:

As the old blues song goes I must have been born under a bad sign because I've always seemed to be living under a pressure cooker to date to be popular with the crowd. Of course I've had to deal with some of the pressure to date in junior high and high school, but I've started to freak out in college because many of my friends still used relationship status as a measure of success, and they're not afraid to make me feel inadequate for my singleness through social media. In the church that I left two years ago the pressure even worsened, with women closing themselves off to men unless it was for the purpose of marriage, and single people, albeit were tolerated, often were portrayed as the lonely impure souls out to chase ungodly desires and pursue what they believed to be sinful relationships with the opposite gender. Some of the barriers I experienced in church still permeated into everday life, so when I ask out a crush and they say things like "lets just be friends", the response I've got every time, I've seemed to fall prey to the "Nice Guy Syndrome". But unlike people who use that as a license for entitlement, I treat people genuinely friendly not expecting anything, and always show people love to make them feel good. Whats the use though?

The worst of my fears that have come to light recently is an old crush of mine who recently got engaged. After some sappy SM posts and ignored text messages when I tried to wish her a happy birthday and catchup with her, I found out she was getting engaged on Insta (possibly why I was getting ghosted), which really drove me over the edge on top of a few other things that were going on at the time. This hit me even harder because she had previously shown interest in me, now it seems like the one and only woman to reciprocate my affection is treating me like I don't even exist. Now even women who I frequently saw and conversed with during college don't talk to me anymore, even when I'm not interested in dating them. Hence my fear that men and women can't be friends, and my fear that I'm only good in a moment and junk the next. Now I've been brought here because I can't talk to anybody civily about this issue. My best friend still wants to engage me about romantic interests even though I'm still mourning over a lost crush. Like my feelings aren't valid. My mom, usually the most supportive person around, acted distracted and uninterested in talking to me about all of this; she's going through her own rocky transition phase like myself.

Sorry for the length of this post, but your willingness to reach out to me has helped me to come out of my shell. God bless you, Aspzan.

Glad I could help! I understand what you are saying but it seems you are looking to other people too much? We all struggle with different things and although I am single it's not something I struggle with atm because it's not my main focus. It probably will be a focus in the future though.

I can see how all of this would get you down but it's better to re focus. I think taking action is the best thing to do in most situations. Obviously give it time also. How many times in life have we been bothered about something and later on we hardly care? I'm not belittling the significance I'm just trying to give some outside perspective. Sometimes and like I initially said, it's good to ask yourself questions. Logically ask yourself "what can I do to improve this situation?" for example.

Hope I helped further and God bless you too Matthew

 

[Sabertooth]

I am an introverted Aspie, and God gave me a wife.

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord." Proverbs 18:22 NKJV

1. Stop trying to date. (My wife and I didn't go on a real date until after we were married.) A wife is to be your ultimate human best friend. You didn't hand-pick your male best friends. Don't expect to do so with a wife, either. Pray for a wife. Remain open to marriage, but stop striving.
2. Improve your relationships with ineligible women, particularly your relatives (if you are not comfortable with them already). Besides being your lover, your wife will constantly be present and closer to you than your sister or mother (when you are not in bed).
3. Attend teachings (for singles) on Biblical courting and what God expects from Godly husbands. Babysit. If you have nobody to babysit and never have done so, get a dog or a cat (something outside of a cage/aquarium). You want someone to care for you. You should be prepared to care for them (because they are looking for the same thing).
   
4. Mingle. Attend group events that fit you,* Christian and secular.** If secular, make sure that you clearly identify as Christian, such as printed clothing items. Be your kindest self to everyone, male & female. If no one shows an interest in you, they still might introduce you to a friend or family member down the road. And it gives you practice interacting with women in a no-pressure environment. As you do, men & women will grow on you (to varying degrees). Your wife will be one of those women, even if you don't recognize her, right away.

*Church home groups, college-age; hobbies, classes, gym membership, etc.
**Avoid Meet, Match & Mate-type groups. They break rule #1.

 

[Jonaitis]

I suggest moving to another country, or meeting someone from another country. The women here have unrealistic standards.

 

[Sabertooth]

I suggest moving to another country, the women here have unrealistic standards.

Allies: The Island Song

 

[Matthew Frazier]

Glad I could help! I understand what you are saying but it seems you are looking to other people too much? We all struggle with different things and although I am single it's not something I struggle with atm because it's not my main focus. It probably will be a focus in the future though.

I can see how all of this would get you down but it's better to re focus. I think taking action is the best thing to do in most situations. Obviously give it time also. How many times in life have we been bothered about something and later on we hardly care? I'm not belittling the significance I'm just trying to give some outside perspective. Sometimes and like I initially said, it's good to ask yourself questions. Logically ask yourself "what can I do to improve this situation?" for example.

Hope I helped further and God bless you too Matthew

Yeah I confess I do have a bit of a struggle of looking too much to other people for validation, particularly for aspects regarding my faith. Hopefully this is nowhere close to condependency but I do need to re-evaluate where I stand individually with God, rather than look to a heavy-handed preacher or a group of control freaks like I have experienced so far. Pardon me for sounding negative; I know many people don't have this experience but my point is fear and conformity imposed upon me are nasty demons that have frequently defined my life up to this point.

Sure I completely understand you are being kind and thoughtful, rather than belittling my experienced. Maybe I'm on the right track already. Jonaitis mentioned this in the form of moving to another country but hopefully I can benefit from a change of scenery even if it's not an international move. I've planned to move away from my current city to not only seek job opportunites, but also expand my horizons in terms of people's views and backgrounds. Where I have been for six years is a college town, where many people seem to value social status above unique individuality. Even re-visiting my home town has given me a peace of mind - and to me that's a much needed re-focus. Thanks again for your help!

 

[Redwingfan9]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply and for coming in clutch. But why would anybody from both genders even value me? There are 7 billion people in this world, each one has their own story, yet also their impenetrable cliques that make it impossible for me to share myself with. I'm too small and insignificant to even make a difference.

Based on this comment I rather suspect you have undiagnosed depression (or perhaps you haven't mentioned this if it has been diagnosed). I would submit you should see a doctor for help with depression.

Beyond that get off of social media. There are numerous studies which suggest that social media causes depression and anxiety. These sites don't actually make people happy at all, they subtly turn folks into addicts who feel the need to continue scrolling even though they aren't really finding any pleasure in it. Paul teaches us in Phil 4:6 to be anxious for nothing. Keep that in mind when you're feeling anxiety and pray to the Lord about it.

 

[bèlla]

I suggest moving to another country, or meeting someone from another country. The women here have unrealistic standards.

Care to elaborate?

 

[bèlla]

Where I have been for six years is a college town, where many people seem to value social status above unique individuality.

Social status doesn’t oppose individuality. The criteria for recognition and acceptance is financial and personal achievement. They close ranks over its absence. Not difference or eccentric behavior.

If you don’t feel you fit in the community it will be challenging to find someone in your area if she shares that mindset. A change of scenery may be best.

 

[Matthew Frazier]

Based on this comment I rather suspect you have undiagnosed depression (or perhaps you haven't mentioned this if it has been diagnosed). I would submit you should see a doctor for help with depression.

Beyond that get off of social media. There are numerous studies which suggest that social media causes depression and anxiety. These sites don't actually make people happy at all, they subtly turn folks into addicts who feel the need to continue scrolling even though they aren't really finding any pleasure in it. Paul teaches us in Phil 4:6 to be anxious for nothing. Keep that in mind when you're feeling anxiety and pray to the Lord about it.

I actually do suffer from symptoms of anxiety. I have not been diagnosed yet, but there have always seemed to be some elements of anxiety appear throughout my life so far (my quote, worrying). But I've also heard that anxiety frequently manifests itself as depression.

I definitely agree about social media. The more friends I've made on Facebook and Insta, the more I've been left to compare my life with others. I've even made previous posts on CF about leaving FB for awhile, but I recently rejoined to keep in touch with family members who don't use Insta. As you have noticed SM plays a large role in my anxious thoughts, so even when I use SM it's extremely limited. And thanks for sharing the good Word like always!

 

[Matthew Frazier]

Sorry for the extra comment - bad internet where I am at right now!

 

[Redwingfan9]

I actually do suffer from symptoms of anxiety. I have not been diagnosed yet, but there have always seemed to be some elements of anxiety appear throughout my life so far (my quote, worrying). But I've also heard that anxiety frequently manifests itself as depression.

I definitely agree about social media. The more friends I've made on Facebook and Insta, the more I've been left to compare my life with others. I've even made previous posts on CF about leaving FB for awhile, but I recently rejoined to keep in touch with family members who don't use Insta. As you have noticed SM plays a large role in my anxious thoughts, so even when I use SM it's extremely limited. And thanks for sharing the good Word like always!

I would suggest that you go see a doctor in order to get diagnosed either with anxiety or depression, if you clinically have one or both. If you have something there are meds that you can take that will help. If you don't have anything at least you will know that.

My suggestion is to get off social media entirely. I dumped Facebook six months ago and don't miss it at all. I have a parody Twitter account that's for laughs, not for serious engagement with anyone. Otherwise I'm off social media and I'm better for it.

 

[Joined2krist]

If you dress nicely and look smart, you wouldn't have to look for women they'll come to you. If it makes you feel better to ask one out, I suggest you try online dating so that you get to know a lot about each other before you meet. This way you'll feel less anxious cause you're not meeting with a complete stranger. I also encourage you to build as many female friendships as you can so that you can understand females better. We are human just like you and we deal with imperfections just like you do. God bless

 

[Matthew Frazier]

I would suggest that you go see a doctor in order to get diagnosed either with anxiety or depression, if you clinically have one or both. If you have something there are meds that you can take that will help. If you don't have anything at least you will know that.

My suggestion is to get off social media entirely. I dumped Facebook six months ago and don't miss it at all. I have a parody Twitter account that's for laughs, not for serious engagement with anyone. Otherwise I'm off social media and I'm better for it.

I've been seeing counselors for the past two years, but if counseling or natural methods of treatment (sleep hygeine, diet etc) doesn't work, I will see a doctor.

Even though I have recently got back on Facebook, the time when I was off was a real break for me.

 

[Aabbie James]

"Fear of the opposite sex..." Any help and hope here?

We should fear the LORD alone, that is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge.

Where are you with respect to The Greatest Commandment?

Worldly recognition and acceptance, financial and personal achievement, fame and vain beauty, are of this world—temporary. Focus thyself on things in heaven. Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven. No man can serve two masters...

 

[Matthew Frazier]

If you dress nicely and look smart, you wouldn't have to look for women they'll come to you. If it makes you feel better to ask one out, I suggest you try online dating so that you get to know a lot about each other before you meet. This way you'll feel less anxious cause you're not meeting with a complete stranger. I also encourage you to build as many female friendships as you can so that you can understand females better. We are human just like you and we deal with imperfections just like you do. God bless

I do agree partially, as I experience a self-esteem boost every time I dress up. But on the flip side, this is exactly what I have been afraid of. The only way to win approval is to present myself as "perfect", disregarding anything that suits my personality, tastes or styles. People don't care how many hoops I jump through - I can be a perfect 10 but still get rejected like a 1. People of both genders anyhow only care about superficial qualities