Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

[RaymondG]

The OP hasn't cheated physically - yet - I don't believe

An emotional affair, can be worse than physically cheating. See post 93: Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

 

[truefiction1]

An emotional affair, can be worse than physically cheating. See post 93: Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

Yet It's still no reason to destroy a marriage through divorce. Marriage is far to holy to God for it to be risked over feelings that one or both of the spouses may have had towards others at one time or another. Feelings can lead to the act of adultery, but they are not the commission of the act. I may be tempted to rob a bank, but until I rob that bank, I've not crossed the line into committing that crime in actuality, so why therefor would I serve a prison sentence? Emotional affairs may constitute marital infidelity, but if by God's grace no adulterous sexual relations are engaged in, then the incident need not be allowed to put at risk what God has joined together. It needs to be repented of, and the passions and problems which underlie the feelings need to be dealt with by God's grace. The sin, however, was committed against God first of all (Psalm 51:4), and it is to God that we turn to in repentance. A weak spouse whose Love of God is not yet strong enough to forgive a spouse for having had an unfaithful heart does not, and probably should not be injured by exposing what they cannot endure. All will be revealed in due time. Let it be when the Love of God is so great that all can be forgiven.

 

[The Faceless]

I became interested in someone else again and I feel exhausted going through this. I've been praying to God for months to help me but my feelings for someone else that's not my husband have only gotten stronger and I don't want to have an affair. But last night the thought occurred to me I can't keep doing this. And I felt like God reminded me of the online affair when I was engaged. And I felt convicted to confess my sin to my husband. Because I know if it were the other way around I'd want to know of any infidelity.

You're going to have to stop the teenage behavior and stop putting yourself in a position to become interested in other men. Your husband deserves better.

 

[RaymondG]

Yet It's still no reason to destroy a marriage through divorce. Marriage is far to holy to God for it to be risked over feelings that one or both of the spouses may have had towards others at one time or another. Feelings can lead to the act of adultery, but they are not the commission of the act. I may be tempted to rob a bank, but until I rob that bank, I've not crossed the line into committing that crime in actuality, so why therefor would I serve a prison sentence? Emotional affairs may constitute marital infidelity, but if by God's grace no adulterous sexual relations are engaged in, then the incident need not be allowed to put at risk what God has joined together. It needs to be repented of, and the passions and problems which underlie the feelings need to be dealt with by God's grace. The sin, however, was committed against God first of all (Psalm 51:4), and it is to God that we turn to in repentance. A weak spouse whose Love of God is not yet strong enough to forgive a spouse for having had an unfaithful heart does not, and probably should not be injured by exposing what they cannot endure. All will be revealed in due time. Let it be when the Love of God is so great that all can be forgiven.

If you have thoughts and desires to rob a bank......In the eyes of God, you ARE a bank robber, and should expect to be treated as such in your life whether you actually follow through with the act or not. It is expected that we feel that if we dont follow through with the crime, we should not be punished. However, it is man who looks only at the outward appearance and actions committed.....but God, looks at the heart...... Although our way seem right.....the end is destruction.

That being said....I believe we are straying from the topic. This is a question of " Should the husband be made aware".....not whether or not a marriage should be ended. Are you suggesting that those who cheat should keep it to themselves to not risks ending their marriage?

 

[truefiction1]

If you have thoughts and desires to rob a bank......In the eyes of God, you ARE a bank robber, and should expect to be treated as such in your life whether you actually follow through with the act or not. It is expected that we feel that if we dont follow through with the crime, we should not be punished. However, it is man who looks only at the outward appearance and actions committed.....but God, looks at the heart...... Although our way seem right.....the end is destruction.

That being said....I believe we are straying from the topic. This is a question of " Should the husband be made aware".....not whether or not a marriage should be ended. Are you suggesting that those who cheat should keep it to themselves to not risks ending their marriage?

I'm suggesting what the holy prophet David himself says under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: that the sin committed is against God only, and it is only to God to Whom the sinner has to confess. It is not expedient, nor even good, for certain others to be made aware of certain sins.

For as David sings:

"Against You, You only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in Your sight,

so that You may be proved right when You speak

and blameless when You judge."

If you, as a person already engaged to, were at the supermarket and a person you were strongly attracted to came into view and you instantly had inappropriate feelings toward them, it is not really something that needs to be confessed to your fiance, or even to your spouse if you are married. It does need to be repented of before God. You do not need to tell your fiance or your spouse. That would quite frankly be a stupid and injurious thing to do to your partner. Tell God about it, because God can handle your sinfulness and still Love you. Don't bother with injuring your partner with your sins that they are too weak to endure. I don't know about every inappropriate thought or feeling that my wife has ever had towards another man, nor do I want or need to know about it. I'll let God be judge of these things and may my wife and I both be forgiven our sins, and enter together into the Kingdom of Heaven.

 

[The Faceless]

I'm suggesting what the holy prophet David himself says under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: that the sin committed is against God only, and it is only to God to Whom the sinner has to confess. It is not expedient, nor even good, for certain others to be made aware of certain sins.

For as David sings:

"Against You, You only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in Your sight,

so that You may be proved right when You speak

and blameless when You judge."

If you, as a person already engaged to, were at the supermarket and a person you were strongly attracted to came into view and you instantly had inappropriate feelings toward them, it is not really something that needs to be confessed to your fiance, or even to your spouse if you are married. It does need to be repented of before God. You do not need to tell your fiance or your spouse. That would quite frankly be a stupid and injurious thing to do to your partner. Tell God about it, because God can handle your sinfulness and still Love you. Don't bother with injuring your partner with your sins that they are too weak to endure. I don't know about every inappropriate thought or feeling that my wife has ever had towards another man, nor do I want or need to know about it. I'll let God be judge of these things and may my wife and I both be forgiven our sins, and enter together into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Your hypothetical scenario is different from the OP's emotional internet affair. Seeing someone and feel attracted to them isn't the same as continuing an online relationship.

 

[RaymondG]

I'm suggesting what the holy prophet David himself says under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit: that the sin committed is against God only, and it is only to God to Whom the sinner has to confess. It is not expedient, nor even good, for certain others to be made aware of certain sins.

For as David sings:

"Against You, You only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in Your sight,

so that You may be proved right when You speak

and blameless when You judge."

And I am suggesting that the holy Jesus himself states that, if you have an ought with your brother, get up from whatever alter you are kneeling at, and go clear it up first before bringing any gifts and placing them thereon. The turmoil the OP feeling inside is an ought against a brother.....and any prayers rendered are unlikely to be heard, while this turmoil remains. Truth sets free.

If you, as a person already engaged to, were at the supermarket and a person you were strongly attracted to came into view and you instantly had inappropriate feelings toward them, it is not really something that needs to be confessed to your fiance, or even to your spouse if you are married. It does need to be repented of before God. You do not need to tell your fiance or your spouse. That would quite frankly be a stupid and injurious thing to do to your partner. Tell God about it, because God can handle your sinfulness and still Love you. Don't bother with injuring your partner with your sins that they are too weak to endure. I don't know about every inappropriate thought or feeling that my wife has ever had towards another man, nor do I want or need to know about it. I'll let God be judge of these things and may my wife and I both be forgiven our sins, and enter together into the Kingdom of Heaven.

The OP's situation is not like finding a person attractive. She is having "emotional affairs" with one person after another. However, I find no fault in you desiring to be left in the dark concerning these events. I would not wish to be left in the dark....which is why I would not advise the OPer to leave her husband in the dark......May you have the desires of your heart, and I mine...

 

[truefiction1]

Your hypothetical scenario is different from the OP's emotional internet affair. Seeing someone and feel attracted to them isn't the same as continuing an online relationship.

Yes, I know, but when it comes to the matter of disclosing the impropriety to a partner who will not benefit, but rather, be injured by the disclosure, the same principle applies: i.e. don't bother, because repenting and confessing one's sin to God is alone what needs to be done. God is your judge, the forgiver of your sins and your savior, not your spouse.

 

[RDKirk]

Yes, I know, but when it comes to the matter of disclosing the impropriety to a partner who will not benefit, but rather, be injured by the disclosure, the same principle applies: i.e. don't bother, because repenting and confessing one's sin to God is alone what needs to be done. God is your judge, the forgiver of your sins and your savior, not your spouse.

In this case, in particular, because the OP is still at the stage of blaming the spouse instead of taking responsibility, how is that revelation going to come out?

 

[truefiction1]

And I am suggesting that the holy Jesus himself states that, if you have an ought with your brother, get up from whatever alter you are kneeling at, and go clear it up first before bringing any gifts and placing them thereon. The turmoil the OP feeling inside is an ought against a brother.....and any prayers rendered are unlikely to be heard, while this turmoil remains. Truth sets free.



The OP's situation is not like finding a person attractive. He is having "emotional affairs" with one person after another. However, I find no fault in you desiring to be left in the dark concerning these events. I would not wish to be left in the dark....which is why I would not advise the OPer to leave her husband in the dark......May you have the desires of your heart, and I mine...

looking upon a woman, or a man, to lust after them in your heart is "an emotional affair", which is why Christ referred to it as committing adultery in your heart. This applies whether one spoke to subject/person of their adulterous desire about their feelings or not. Either way, it is to God alone that one is to confess this sin and repent, in the holy sacrament of Confession: a sacred thing which none here seem to know of. Sins that are confessed in this way are forgiven and no longer have power over the person. They are absolved and forgiven. Thus, they are free to go and sin no more.

The truth of the matter, for most men, is that they do not want to be left in the dark about the sins of others, like their wives, while all the while they are totally in the dark about their own sins, which captivate their hearts and minds in complete darkness, which the love and cling to out of fear, because they have no Love in them, no Light, no Truth.

We should learn to understand what the saints know: that we need only to concern ourselves with our own sins and to see everyone else as better/less sinful than ourselves, like the Apostle Paul, for example, who truly deemed himself to be the greatest of all sinners.

That being said, maybe now some here will gain insight into what I wrote earlier about the greatness of the gift of holy humility, a virtue which Paul and the other saints receive from the Holy Spirit.

 

[truefiction1]

In this case, in particular, because the OP is still at the stage of blaming the spouse instead of taking responsibility, how is that revelation going to come out?

The OP needs to do what I told her to do a long time ago, rather than failing to even acknowledge that I even responded whatsoever to her plea for advice. If she obeys what I told her that she has to do, her marriage will endure throughout all eternity, according to God's will for all whom He brings together in Holy Matrimony. Here is what I had written in three separate replies to her comments:

"It's a trick, so you need to be hard on yourself so as to not fall for it. There's no room here for sympathizing with these strong feelings/desires you're confessing. They are your life destroying enemy - not your friends - and you really do need to treat them as such, and give them no place in your soul. This is why God endowed us with the capacity to have anger; so that we could use our anger to drive away and defeat such ridiculous and harmful things as these adulterous feelings.

Lord have mercy..."

"The Jesus Prayer is the most powerful weapon we have against the onslaughts of our sinful thoughts and passions. Say the words and focus all of your attention on the words alone, and nothing else"...

"A word of caution from a great sinner who's learned the hard way. Better to call in the Lord, Jesus Christ, to fight for you, by using the Jesus Prayer, than to say "I cast you out", because if we try to rely on our own strength in moments of great temptation, we'll probably fall into the temptation, because of our pride which we need to be healed of."

The truth is, that this woman needs to wage war on this passion with the power of the Jesus Prayer, and she also needs to channel her emotions and all of her strength into doing whatever things are necessary to make her marriage bond with her husband the very most important thing that there is, after the Love of God, that is. She's looking in the wrong direction for happiness, which will only bring her misery and self-destruction.

 

[RaymondG]

looking upon a woman, or a man, to lust after them in your heart is "an emotional affair", which is why Christ referred to it as committing adultery in your heart. This applies whether one spoke to subject/person of their adulterous desire about their feelings or not. Either way, it is to God alone that one is to confess this sin and repent, in the holy sacrament of Confession: a sacred thing which none here seem to know of. Sins that are confessed in this way are forgiven and no longer have power over the person. They are absolved and forgiven. Thus, they are free to go and sin no more.

I guess it would seem good to be in a relationship in which the spouse preferred that the other cheat in silence and never tells them when they do....only tell God and be "free to go and sin no more" or free to cheat again in secrecy.

This is not the kind of freedom I desire in a human relationship...but I see no fault in you desiring it.

The truth of the matter, for most men, is that they do not want to be left in the dark about the sins of others, like their wives, while all the while they are totally in the dark about their own sins, which captivate their hearts and minds in complete darkness, which the love and cling to out of fear, because they have no Love in them, no Light, no Truth.

Is this your fear? If someone cheats and tell you, you will start to feel that they are more of a sinner than you are?

Not all possess this shortcoming. Some just desire to be able to know the type of relationship they are in at all times and desire the ability to choose the type of relationship they will remain in.

Ignorance is not bliss to all. And some do perish for lack of knowledge.

We should learn to understand what the saints know: that we need only to concern ourselves with our own sins and to see everyone else as better/less sinful than ourselves, like the Apostle Paul, for example, who truly deemed himself to be the greatest of all sinners.

Actually, I think is better to just SEE others....and not judge whether they are better or worse than yourself. Paul would rather you follow Christ and not be a follower of himself.

That being said, maybe now some here will gain insight into what I wrote earlier about the greatness of the gift of holy humility, a virtue which Paul and the other saints receive from the Holy Spirit.

Humility it not the desire to remain ignorant about what is going on around you. True humility would be able to take the news of a spouse cheating without thinking about her sins being worse than our own....

 

[bèlla]

I guess it would seem good to be in a relationship in which the spouse preferred that the other cheat in silence and never tells them when they do....only tell God and be "free to go and sin no more" or free to cheat again in secrecy.

Some of comments on this thread are mind numbing. But it only shows that reason and wisdom are distinctly different. And when given the opportunity to reason his way out of a tight corner man’s ability to convince himself of ridiculous truths knows no end.

This is not the kind of freedom I desire in a human relationship...but I see no fault in you desiring it.

Nor I. And I won’t remain with someone who can’t honor their commitments. I don’t have the energy to monitor anyone. That’s no way to live.

 

[truefiction1]

I guess it would seem good to be in a relationship in which the spouse preferred that the other cheat in silence and never tells them when they do....only tell God and be "free to go and sin no more" or free to cheat again in secrecy.

This is not the kind of freedom I desire in a human relationship...but I see no fault in you desiring it.



Is this your fear? If someone cheats and tell you, you will start to feel that they are more of a sinner than you are?

Not all possess this shortcoming. Some just desire to be able to know the type of relationship they are in at all times and desire the ability to choose the type of relationship they will remain in.

Ignorance is not bliss to all. And some do perish for lack of knowledge.



Actually, I think is better to just SEE others....and not judge whether they are better or worse than yourself. Paul would rather you follow Christ and not be a follower of himself.



Humility it not the desire to remain ignorant about what is going on around you. True humility would be able to take the news of a spouse cheating without thinking about her sins being worse than our own....

None of these things suggested are of any concern to me. Instructing this woman in the way that she must go is. She has to take this burden to God - alone, and quit dwelling on this silly fiddle-farting around that she did on the internet at one time, because dwelling on the sin is merely a distraction (another trick of the evil one) that serves only to keep her from walking with Christ, in prayer, as she needs to (as we all need to). Confess the sin to God, in the sacrament of Holy Confession, receive absolution, and forget about it and walk with Christ. The more she dwells on the sin, the more her heart will be drawn towards it and away from Christ. We can't overcome temptation by focusing on the passions that are creating the temptation. If we focus on the passion, it will keep getting stronger until we ultimately get ensnared and enslaved by it.

And for the Love of God (to the OP if you are still paying attention), don't take bad advice from anyone whose advice is rooted in their own personal preference (i.e. selfish motivations) as someone who would want to know if there significant other ever had improper feelings, flirtations, etc. What they think they would want for themselves is not important.

If you have done these things, take them as a sign that you need to do the hard work of doing whatever it takes to find what is missing between you and your husband (and what is really missing is your Love of God above all else, which is why you must turn toward's Christ with unceasing prayer and with strict attentiveness). Get on with your Love of Christ, and get on with loving your husband. And stay off of the internet if it's a temptation, read the Gospels instead.

 

[RDKirk]

The more she dwells on the sin, the more her heart will be drawn towards it and away from Christ. We can't overcome temptation by focusing on the passions that are creating the temptation. If we focus on the passion, it will keep getting stronger until we ultimately get ensnared and enslaved by it.

Hmm. When I was an avid bicyclist, we had this rule: When you see an obstacle in your path, never focus on the obstacle.

If you focus on the obstacle, you will run right into it.

Instead, focus on the way around the obstacle.

 

[bèlla]

In this case, in particular, because the OP is still at the stage of blaming the spouse instead of taking responsibility, how is that revelation going to come out?

She’s been with him for 7 years before tying the knot. Whatever he lacked as a companion was evident. Making a decision to marry in light of her dissatisfaction with his manhood and character was unwise.

It is unlikely he began to fail upon “I Do.” He’s been falling short all along.

Some people will eagerly choose discomfort than spend their lives alone.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

The main reason I'm hopping into this thread is to explicitly encourage @LaBèlla and @RaymondG that I've got similar views after reading this thread and that I tend to agree with much of what they've said. I'm also taken aback at some of the posts I on this thread.

This probably isn't just a question of fessing up or not. There seems to be a lot more going on that is potentially going to lead to a lot of pain and heartache and damage for more than one person.

One thing I think many Christians miss is that they assume it is always simply a matter of willpower and desire and our lives can be essentially free of major sins if only we'd choose to do so. They miss that we can have deep seated emotional and spiritual injuries (every bit as real as physical ones) that cripple and hobble us. A person with a broken leg cannot jump, dance, and run very well or at all no matter how hard they try. It takes healing before they can. Often emotional and spiritual injuries can cripple and hobble us in the same way and require some type of healing before we are free from that bondage. Sometimes it is not a matter of confession and willpower but rather requires God's healing touch in some manner. I've heard many testimonies over the years of Christians who've seen big changes in their lives after God did some type of emotional or spiritual healing in them. These healings have taken many forms including instantaneous in response to prayer and a long length of time with counseling and support from others.

Repeated destructive and uncontrollable behaviors (especially when we know better) often aren't merely a matter of us just acting stupidly and making bad choices but may be driven by something inside that needs healing and change or potentially some type of undiagnosed physical or mental conditions that affect us. My sense of things after reading this thread is that the OP potentially has some deep seated issues that need God's work and healing. If so, these relationship issues and behaviors are more likely symptoms rather than a root cause which is what really needs to be dealt with. I think the OP needs to talk to an experienced Christian counselor.

 

[RDKirk]

She’s been with him for 7 years before tying the knot. Whatever he lacked as a companion was evident. Making a decision to marry in light of her dissatisfaction with his manhood and character was unwise.

It is unlikely he began to fail upon “I Do.” He’s been falling short all along.

Some people will eagerly choose discomfort than spend their lives alone.

If he's actually falling short.

Her complaint is that he isn't demanding her submission as a Godly husband.

Now, if her complaint was that he was demanding her submission as a Godly husband, why then everyone would blame him for that, too.l

He's not the one playing with infidelity.

Why do you presume he's the one "falling short?"

 

[bèlla]

If he's actually falling short.

Why do you presume he's the one "falling short?"

As you’re aware we’ve received admissions in bits and pieces. I asked why she married him and if she felt she’d made a mistake. She answered.

In respect to her complaint, it doesn’t add up. I’m skeptical if we’ve heard the truth in all of this. If we were discussing a couple with less mileage you could make a different argument.

By seven years you’ve seen a lot. You’ve had an opportunity to observe his behavior over time. And they lived together. There are few surprises at this point.

I don’t believe he’s falling short in the manner he’s been portrayed.

I’ve known many women who came online and developed connections with the opposite sex. They were emotional at the start but over time that changed. The physical enters at some point. Whether it involved meetings, phone calls, webcam or Skype. It always progresses.

The thrill coupled with the thirst for more are hard to ignore. The digital Romeo is everything their companion lacks. It’s addicting for most.

 

[bèlla]

The main reason I'm hopping into this thread is to explicitly encourage @LaBèlla and @RaymondG that I've got similar views after reading this thread and that I tend to agree with much of what they've said. I'm also taken aback at some of the posts I on this thread.

Thank you for the kind words. I agree with your sentiments. There may be a stronghold involved or other issues we’re not privy to.

When we have a continual pattern of going around the mulberry bush we can’t ignore it. There comes a time when we must face the music and address the behaviors that are wreaking havoc in our lives.

Healing and deliverance are the lone acts that can restore broken hearts to a better state.