Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

[Girl4God86]

Wait, are you saying this is a serial problem? Are you talking about the same person or a different person? And are you saying that your feelings for this person are unresolved?

Here is the problem: You haven't repented.

Think: What do you actually want your husband to do?

I point this out because men do not commiserate, men do not "share" problems, men seek to kill the problem, and if he can't kill the problem, he will become frustrated and then angry. If you do not know what you actually want your husband to do to kill the problem, or if there is nothing he can do, then it's not yet time for him to become involved with it.

I'll repeat what I've said before: Find a Christian woman mentor, preferably older, preferably in your congregation, definitely someone in person, not online. Work with one or two other women first.

It's a serial problem, with different people. But my feelings for this current person are unresolved.

Ok I'll look into finding an older female Christian mentor as you suggested. Thank you

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

My boss

What is causing your affections with you boss to manifest? Is there flirtation? Are you turning to him to talk about problems in your relationship?

 

[timothyu]

My boss

it's not an authourity figure thing is it? (that's a whole different ball of wax)

 

[Girl4God86]

So this has nothing to do with your "emotional online affair" then, and everything to do with temptation to unfaithfulness in the present? What was all the stuff about an online affair you "ended"?

I am sure its exhausting - when its all about you - it usually is!

It's both! My unfaithfulness in the present has made me realize I have a serious problem so much that I had an online affair last October. I felt guilty about it and wanted to confess then but was too scared to admit what happened and I thought if I could get past it and keep the secret everything would be ok after we got married. Now 7 months later I'm falling into the same sin habits and I don't want to risk having another affair, even though I don't actually see that happening because I refuse to pursue a married man and I can't imagine him pursuing me either. Just the idea of wanting to be with someone else though.. I feel like technically I am having an emotional affair in my heart but I am maintaining appropriate behavior with the other man. I am fighting with every ounce of my being to try and do the right thing and I'm constantly praying about it. So now I'm here desperate for help to figure out what to do.

 

[dms1972]

Funny how the human conscience works sometimes - after kicking the cat, one suddenly remembers the first zit one burst and must confess it.

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

Matthew 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

True. But that only applicable to the married. What is taking place is sexual immorality, not adultery. This is no different than if I were to tell my wife I had an affair because I flirted with another women when we were dating.

 

[Josheb]

Yes. But you cannot have an affair if you are unmarried. What the OP did was a form of betrayal. But it was not adultery nor an affair.

Was my response to the op read? This isn't an "affair." If she and her betrothed understood their engagement to involve fidelity then this was an infidelity. None of us should be calling it an "affair." That is a secular term used to romanticize, minimize and thereby dismiss wrongdoing.

When we understand that marriage is a temporal expression of a divine relationship we then see the parallels between adultery and idolatry. We are the betrothed bride of Christ. We re in the engagement period. Is it an affair to flirt with other gods? Or is it unfaithfulness? Ultimately, neither you nor I are the measure of her behavior personally nor maritally. She and her now husband are. Since you agree it was a form of betrayal you must understand the op is walking around with that sin, guilt, shame and remorse in her soul. If (and/or when) her husband finds out this will instantly change his view of his now wife. His view will become more accurate! What will she do with being known? What will he do with knowing his wife in fuller form as he watches her be not just honest, not just open, but forthcoming?

Ultimately this will test their love. Will Girl4God86 be patient and kind and humble, and hoping and trusting, and will she be able to keep no record of wrong? Will her husband? This will visit his own shortcomings upon him. This will be a paradoxical opportunity for them to understand love better than they previously do. In all likelihood they will betray each other in small and large ways any way. All marriages have such experiences. If they handle this well then there may never be a sexual adultery in their future.

Note: I agree with you this is a betrayal. Neither the term "affair" nor "adultery" is wholly accurate (even though I believe adultery is the more accuarte of the two). Another appropriate label would be infidelity. Both have to do with aspects of unfaithfulness dependent upon a covenant agreement.

 

[Josheb]

My boss

Is he married?

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

It's a serial problem, with different people. But my feelings for this current person are unresolved.

Ok I'll look into finding an older female Christian mentor as you suggested. Thank you

Okay, I am going to cut to the chase. The root of the problem is that there is a void in your relationship with your current husband. There is some need that isn't being fulfilled and you are seeking it somewhere else. To help identify what your need is, ask yourself what it is about your boss that is drawing you towards him and ask yourself what is lacking in your husband. I highly recommend seeking marriage counseling. I wouldn't go as far as telling your husband about your growing feelings with your boss. I would recommend talking to him about your needs that are going unfulfilled. Until that void is filled, you will continue struggling with this problem. Lastly and probably most importantly, you need to set some very clear boundaries between yourself and your boss. No going out for lunch together, no flirting, ect. If this is impossible for you to do, you may need to find another job.

 

[Girl4God86]

Why did you marry him? Are you certain you made the right decision?

No not really I have been with him for over 7 years but we finally got married. We lived together most of that time unmarried. I felt like it was obedience to God for us to get married. Parts of me do love him very much but because I keep becoming infatuated with other men I feel like that must mean I don't love him completely as a wife should. This on and off infatuation with other men has been going on for probably close to 5 years. It manifested into the online affair last year. Now I feel like it's reached its peak with this new infatuation and I can't stand going through this anymore cause everytime I do it's very painful

 

[dms1972]

It's both! My unfaithfulness in the present has made me realize I have a serious problem so much that I had an online affair last October. I felt guilty about it and wanted to confess then but was too scared to admit what happened and I thought if I could get past it and keep the secret everything would be ok after we got married. Now 7 months later I'm falling into the same sin habits and I don't want to risk having another affair, even though I don't actually see that happening because I refuse to pursue a married man and I can't imagine him pursuing me either. Just the idea of wanting to be with someone else though.. I feel like technically I am having an emotional affair in my heart but I am maintaining appropriate behavior with the other man. I am fighting with every ounce of my being to try and do the right thing and I'm constantly praying about it. So now I'm here desperate for help to figure out what to do.

You're right sin begins in the thought life, I know that well enough, personal experience. Did you really have an online emotional affair? I don't know what you should do to be honest as regards whatever that "emotional affair" was, but it seems like your present temptations are what you should be addressing before the Lord and seeking him for a faithful heart and strength - if you foul up now you really will have something to worry telling your husband about.

 

[Girl4God86]

Is it about decision or wanting more, what one shouldn't have, or perhaps the grass is greener? Need more input.

I think it's a wanting more issue. I've always wanted him to be more driven about life, to be a stronger man in his convictions, to be more ambitious, to be more Godly. Not to be coasting along and just following what I do. I've always felt like I have to be the primary decision maker, I'm the one who sets the pace for everything, I wear the pants in the relationship. Like I have to take on lots of the man's role. I feel like he doesn't know his own identity and goes along with whatever I'm doing. Instead of me submitting it's the other way around. I don't get to be the submissive one, I have to be the instigator about everything.

 

[dms1972]

Is the void in your life perhaps simply not having Christ in your heart and life, are you merely one who professes?

 

[bèlla]

I think your friends have done you a disservice and the slippery slope is worsening. Based on your comments thus far:

You were engaged and planned to marry.

You become emotionally involved with someone at a distance who is married. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

You broke off the connection and were advised by friends to keep the betrayal to yourself.

You went forward with the wedding and began to develop feelings for someone else.

You’re afraid to admit what you’ve done out of fear of your husband’s response and acknowledge the difficulty you’d have if he did the same.

I have seen my share of relationships develop and end through this medium. In every instance the first offense often spearheaded the next. The ease of forming attachments and emotional euphoria often distort the realities of relationships.

It’s easy to be enamored with someone you rarely see.
It’s easy to magnify slivers of positive experiences.
It’s easy to be smitten by an ideal whose reality you’ll never know. That’s part of the attraction.

Fantasy will never replace the constancy of a dependable partner who walks by your side. A mirage always appears brightest at a distance and people are no different. But its the bones that matter.

You must learn to distinguish between the idea of a thing and truth. If you make decisions based on emotions or flights of fancy you’ll repeatedly fall short of the outcome you crave.

Count the cost before you leap and be honest regarding your weaknesses. You are landing in these situations for two reasons: a disconnection from who you are and susceptibility for men who feed that part of your person.

You probably don’t see them coming and assume they’re being polite, kind, etc. But rest assured they see you and will fill that void if you let them.

 

[dms1972]

I think it's a wanting more issue. I've always wanted him to be more driven about life, to be a stronger man in his convictions, to be more ambitious, to be more Godly. Not to be coasting along and just following what I do. I've always felt like I have to be the primary decision maker, I'm the one who sets the pace for everything, I wear the pants in the relationship. Like I have to take on lots of the man's role. I feel like he doesn't know his own identity and goes along with whatever I'm doing. Instead of me submitting it's the other way around. I don't get to be the submissive one, I have to be the instigator about everything.

You want him to be a godly man, what would that mean to you? What way would he be different if he was godly?

 

[dms1972]

My unfaithfulness in the present has made me realize I have a serious problem so much that I had an online affair last October.

What are you calling "unfaithfulness" here?

 

[Sketcher]

I think it's a wanting more issue. I've always wanted him to be more driven about life, to be a stronger man in his convictions, to be more ambitious, to be more Godly. Not to be coasting along and just following what I do. I've always felt like I have to be the primary decision maker, I'm the one who sets the pace for everything, I wear the pants in the relationship. Like I have to take on lots of the man's role. I feel like he doesn't know his own identity and goes along with whatever I'm doing. Instead of me submitting it's the other way around. I don't get to be the submissive one, I have to be the instigator about everything.

Just to knock away part of the deception here, you will never have an affair with a man who is Godly. If Godliness is what you are looking for, you will not find it in an affair.

 

[bèlla]

No not really I have been with him for over 7 years but we finally got married. We lived together most of that time unmarried. I felt like it was obedience to God for us to get married. Parts of me do love him very much but because I keep becoming infatuated with other men I feel like that must mean I don't love him completely as a wife should.

I’m sorry you lacked wise counsel through all of this. The suggestion to speak to someone should be taken. And I concur that a woman should be your confidante.

It sounds like he’s familiar and a part of you felt obligated to move forward. In spite of the infatuations. It is possible to care for someone and want the best for them while recognizing your inability to be the best for one another.

You settled and the attachments are your way of coping with the things you lack. But its progressive and will inevitably lead to physical encounters down the road.

I would desist in taking the reins and reevaluate my ideas of submission in light of your husband’s character and where he is today. True submission isn’t founded on our perception of its meaning but our willingness to respect and honor the other person out of deference to their position and the union blessed by God.

Only the Lord can shape a man. You can be his advocate and offer your prayers and support but you cannot define it for him. In the course of focusing on what he lacks you’ve forsaken the fruits of your station.

It is easy to yield when we’re getting what we want. It is easy to follow when you’re getting your way. It is hard to serve an imperfect man and view him as a gift from God.

That’s surrender not comfort.

 

[PaulCyp1]

What is your motive for telling him? Will it do him any good to hear it? Or, are you just trying to lessen your own feelings of guilt, even if it hurts him? Live with it, and don't hurt him needlessly. Or better, just forget it ever happened. Its is in the past. Don't let a mistake of the past damage your future together.

 

[EmmaCat]

Well with all that said, the simple point is this: Both you and your man do this: 1:Get rid of others permanently and 2: Get Christian counseling before marriage.

Then decide to deal with any other poo.

I wish you the best

All good things
Emmy