Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??
Let me be blunt:
If God has indeed laid this on your heart then why are you asking us?
Now let me be more circumspect. I am a professional counselor and my practice is predominantly marriage counseling and truama counseling. Half of the couples with which I work have been sexually adulteous and a still larger percentage of them have experienced the various forms of infidelity such as emotional infedilty via socal media.
My first bit of advice to you is to stop calling it an "affair." That is worldly language designed to romanticize and minimized what you did and its consequences.
My second bit of advice is to confess this wrongdoing to at least two people: 1) your pastor, and 2) a same-sex confidante in whom you can rely upon to a) tell you the truth about your decisions, behavior and its consequences, and b) will keep the matter to themselves and not gossip it.
My third bit of advice in all such circumstances is to confess this to your spouse because "secrets" like this aren't really secrets. He likely knows something is amiss; he just doesn't know what or why. Imagine these kinds of secrets like a room in your home that has a sign on it that reads, "HUSBAND KEEP OUT!" You wouldn't tolerate such a sign in your home and he shouldn't be expected to do so, either. The problem arises because this information is going to cause him pain and suffering, and threfore it will cause you pain and suffering. There are times when we should seek to make amends except where it would cause further suffering but it is not my understanding of scripture nor my professional observation this metric is relevant in cases of marital infidelity because marriage is about two becoming one and this is a wonderful oppertunity to do just that.
Therefore, my fourth bit of advice is to this with someone who can help. Tall your husband in private and be prepared for the two of you to have someone help you work through this and restore trust and commitment to the mariage. You may believe you have trust and commitment currently because the episode happened before the wedding... at which time you committed to him. If that were true then the infidelity wouldn't bother you today. You need to know and your husband needs to know that you are each individually and collaboratively committed to this marriage
forever.
Forever is a long time.
My fifth bit of advice is to get a book "
Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. It is an old book but Glass remains one of the leading experts on treating adultery. She's secular (as far as I know) but her book remains foundational. After than then it is likely you and/or your husband will have to work through forgiveness
and reconciliation. They go together. For this I recommend June Hunt's book on forgiveness and when the dust settles and you are both restored to love and valuing each other preeminently and in Christ then I recommend you read Miroslav Volf's "
Free of Charge." I have at least a score of books on forgiveness and his is by far the best on the subject but it is theological in orientation. Hunt's book is practical. Everet Worthington's Self-Directed Forgiveness is also very good but it usully take a partner to work through to its fullest potential.
Lastly, despite my directness with the above advice it should be understood that I cannot tell you how to live your life or what to do. You must decide these things for yourself and accept the repercussions no matter how you decide things. I will tell you that the single greatest pain I have ever experienced was in my preChrist days when a woman with whom I'd been living told me she'd picked up a hitchhiker and gone home with him to have sex and she was not coming back. I fell 100 feet off a mountain one time and fractured my skull and had to walk out of the wilderness with a sixty pound pack. When I got to a place where I could be rescued I was helocoptered to the hospital. I was covered with bruises and lacerations from head to toe. My body was literally black and blue from head to toe. Only my face remained its normal color. Despite that excruciating pain the words that woman spoke to me are by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Because of that pain when I got married I told my wife if she ever cheated I expect her to either tell me everything or tell me nothing. Today, having helped literally hundreds of couples salvage their marriage and become better than they have ever been my advice is to disclose the wrongdoing but keep the information short and sweet. Who, what, when, and where. Youmay never fully understand why but you should try. The glass book will help you with what to share and what not to share. In cases of emotional infidelity this is usually not difficult.
I have witnessed the first disclosure. Spouses handle this in various ways and I've seen women storm out and run wild inhysterics, men stomp out agressively in anger slamming doors and flailing about, both men and women crying in response, and some so dumbstruck they trun and ask, "
What should I do?" Your husband may have the same response you are now having. What should I do. Make sure you communicate he is valuable to you, far above all else but Christ. The only time marriages don't recover in my practice is when there is a lack of repentance. Those who are serially unfaithful cannot be married until they learn...
to be married.
My apologies. I have onemore bit of advice. This is necessary after the disclosure and the work of reconciliation begins. If that other person is still in your records somewhere then 1) email him and tell him you will no longer be corresponding with him for any reason and you are now devoting yourself to your spouse, and 2) all that contact information needs to be deleted. Do it with your husband watching. Let him look over your shoulder. This way he'll know the deed has been done, you'll know the deed has been done and you will both know the other knows the ties have been cut. This will help your husband's manage his likely vigilance and trust concerns.
I don't use this forum often so I don't know how the messaging works here but if you message me I'll make an effort to answer specific inquiries and make further recommendations, mostly what to do if in counseling. Your husband is invited to do the same. Understand that I will not be counseling anyone online, especially not through a forum's message system.
If something more than pastoral counseling proves necessary then I recommend you find a counselor familiar with John Gottman's work and/or Emotion-Focused Therapy of Sue Johnson.