Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

RDKirk

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I became interested in someone else again and I feel exhausted going through this. I've been praying to God for months to help me but my feelings for someone else that's not my husband have only gotten stronger and I don't want to have an affair. But last night the thought occurred to me I can't keep doing this. And I felt like God reminded me of the online affair when I was engaged. And I felt convicted to confess my sin to my husband. Because I know if it were the other way around I'd want to know of any infidelity.

Wait, are you saying this is a serial problem? Are you talking about the same person or a different person? And are you saying that your feelings for this person are unresolved?

Here is the problem: You haven't repented.

Think: What do you actually want your husband to do?

I point this out because men do not commiserate, men do not "share" problems, men seek to kill the problem, and if he can't kill the problem, he will become frustrated and then angry. If you do not know what you actually want your husband to do to kill the problem, or if there is nothing he can do, then it's not yet time for him to become involved with it.

I'll repeat what I've said before: Find a Christian woman mentor, preferably older, preferably in your congregation, definitely someone in person, not online. Work with one or two other women first.
 
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tall73

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You seem to be the only person who thinks I should tell the truth. Everyone seems to think I should keep it a secret. What is your opinion about what God might think about this?

The others gave their advice with you intentionally leaving out the important current situation.

What would be the point in framing the question the way you did before? Even if everyone advised you one way, you would know it was not with the current situation in mind.

There is nonetheless a reason why you asked it that way.

As RDKirk indicated you have not repented. You know you haven't because you are still dealing with the same issue and cannot let it go.

You are experiencing infatuation. The first step is to realize it won't last. It is excitement that is based on pursuit. That is a natural biological response, but is intended to play out with your husband to bond you, not to be pursued again and again with the next stranger.

And you know you need to change because it is not the love God would show, but is simply physical and chemical.

RdKirk's advice to find a godly Christian woman is good. You need to have someone who is grounded and knows what Christian love in a marriage looks like. It will become evident that you are chasing something that is of the flesh.

The solution to that is repentance and walking in the Spirit. It will take a while for the emotional aspect to pass.
 
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Maria Billingsley

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Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??
There may be some future actions on your part that will undermine the marriage. So I believe your conviction is not for this isolated situation but may be a weakness for a future encounter that has not manifested yet. If you tell your husband you will become accountable and this may help you to reach the root of the problem as to why you did it in the first place and feel so guilty about it.
Blessings

PS: Oh, just read that your on to the next encounter. Better get some help so you can deal with why you are needing outside attention. My suspicion is your husband is lacking or you may not love him as you think.
 
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timothyu

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PS: Oh, just read that your on to the next encounter. Better get some help so you can deal with why you are needing outside attention. My suspicion is your husband is lacking or you may not love him as you think.
Don't forget to take original sin into consideration... SELF
 
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Toro

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Ask the Spirit and take your question to God.

If you want the answer from the (black and white) law : James 5:16, Matthew 5:23-24

Rather than listen to man, take your issue to God and ask for Him to deal with the issue in your heart that is leading you away from your husband, either physically or emotionally.... after you take it to God... s8nce you say you have.....be soft hearted enough to allow Him to take it as your flesh and your mind will not want to give it up.

The problem with taking your problem to other human beings is that man can only offer up wisdom.... the issue doesnt lie in the brain, but the heart.... only God can change the heart of wicked mankind.
 
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bèlla

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You seem to be the only person who thinks I should tell the truth. Everyone seems to think I should keep it a secret. What is your opinion about what God might think about this?

You are the lone person who’ll wrestle with the consequences of your choice. I can’t foresee the Lord encouraging me to deceive my husband.

But I’ve been directed to address difficult subjects or do things that made me uncomfortable. Our finite selves can only grasp the present. We can’t foretell where our decisions will lead. Only He can.

If you are willing to withhold the truth you should expect further temptation to do the same. That’s how Satan works.

Virtue and holiness are built one brick at a time. How do you wish to be seen by him? This is my aim:

The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.


For me, marriage is a path of mutual growth and sanctification. Through the union we’re made better and more like Him. Refinement isn’t painless but the end result is unmistakable. Follow Him.
 
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ilovejcsog

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I became interested in someone else again and I feel exhausted going through this. I've been praying to God for months to help me but my feelings for someone else that's not my husband have only gotten stronger and I don't want to have an affair. But last night the thought occurred to me I can't keep doing this. And I felt like God reminded me of the online affair when I was engaged. And I felt convicted to confess my sin to my husband. Because I know if it were the other way around I'd want to know of any infidelity.
Since you find yourself back again in a very similar situation for your husbands sake confess as the lack of love will not sustain your marriage. It is the fairest thing you can do for him. He deserves all of your love.
 
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Josheb

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Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??
Let me be blunt: If God has indeed laid this on your heart then why are you asking us?

Now let me be more circumspect. I am a professional counselor and my practice is predominantly marriage counseling and truama counseling. Half of the couples with which I work have been sexually adulteous and a still larger percentage of them have experienced the various forms of infidelity such as emotional infedilty via socal media.

My first bit of advice to you is to stop calling it an "affair." That is worldly language designed to romanticize and minimized what you did and its consequences.
My second bit of advice is to confess this wrongdoing to at least two people: 1) your pastor, and 2) a same-sex confidante in whom you can rely upon to a) tell you the truth about your decisions, behavior and its consequences, and b) will keep the matter to themselves and not gossip it.
My third bit of advice in all such circumstances is to confess this to your spouse because "secrets" like this aren't really secrets. He likely knows something is amiss; he just doesn't know what or why. Imagine these kinds of secrets like a room in your home that has a sign on it that reads, "HUSBAND KEEP OUT!" You wouldn't tolerate such a sign in your home and he shouldn't be expected to do so, either. The problem arises because this information is going to cause him pain and suffering, and threfore it will cause you pain and suffering. There are times when we should seek to make amends except where it would cause further suffering but it is not my understanding of scripture nor my professional observation this metric is relevant in cases of marital infidelity because marriage is about two becoming one and this is a wonderful oppertunity to do just that.
Therefore, my fourth bit of advice is to this with someone who can help. Tall your husband in private and be prepared for the two of you to have someone help you work through this and restore trust and commitment to the mariage. You may believe you have trust and commitment currently because the episode happened before the wedding... at which time you committed to him. If that were true then the infidelity wouldn't bother you today. You need to know and your husband needs to know that you are each individually and collaboratively committed to this marriage forever.
Forever is a long time.
My fifth bit of advice is to get a book "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. It is an old book but Glass remains one of the leading experts on treating adultery. She's secular (as far as I know) but her book remains foundational. After than then it is likely you and/or your husband will have to work through forgiveness and reconciliation. They go together. For this I recommend June Hunt's book on forgiveness and when the dust settles and you are both restored to love and valuing each other preeminently and in Christ then I recommend you read Miroslav Volf's "Free of Charge." I have at least a score of books on forgiveness and his is by far the best on the subject but it is theological in orientation. Hunt's book is practical. Everet Worthington's Self-Directed Forgiveness is also very good but it usully take a partner to work through to its fullest potential.
Lastly, despite my directness with the above advice it should be understood that I cannot tell you how to live your life or what to do. You must decide these things for yourself and accept the repercussions no matter how you decide things. I will tell you that the single greatest pain I have ever experienced was in my preChrist days when a woman with whom I'd been living told me she'd picked up a hitchhiker and gone home with him to have sex and she was not coming back. I fell 100 feet off a mountain one time and fractured my skull and had to walk out of the wilderness with a sixty pound pack. When I got to a place where I could be rescued I was helocoptered to the hospital. I was covered with bruises and lacerations from head to toe. My body was literally black and blue from head to toe. Only my face remained its normal color. Despite that excruciating pain the words that woman spoke to me are by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Because of that pain when I got married I told my wife if she ever cheated I expect her to either tell me everything or tell me nothing. Today, having helped literally hundreds of couples salvage their marriage and become better than they have ever been my advice is to disclose the wrongdoing but keep the information short and sweet. Who, what, when, and where. Youmay never fully understand why but you should try. The glass book will help you with what to share and what not to share. In cases of emotional infidelity this is usually not difficult.
I have witnessed the first disclosure. Spouses handle this in various ways and I've seen women storm out and run wild inhysterics, men stomp out agressively in anger slamming doors and flailing about, both men and women crying in response, and some so dumbstruck they trun and ask, "What should I do?" Your husband may have the same response you are now having. What should I do. Make sure you communicate he is valuable to you, far above all else but Christ. The only time marriages don't recover in my practice is when there is a lack of repentance. Those who are serially unfaithful cannot be married until they learn... to be married.

My apologies. I have onemore bit of advice. This is necessary after the disclosure and the work of reconciliation begins. If that other person is still in your records somewhere then 1) email him and tell him you will no longer be corresponding with him for any reason and you are now devoting yourself to your spouse, and 2) all that contact information needs to be deleted. Do it with your husband watching. Let him look over your shoulder. This way he'll know the deed has been done, you'll know the deed has been done and you will both know the other knows the ties have been cut. This will help your husband's manage his likely vigilance and trust concerns.

I don't use this forum often so I don't know how the messaging works here but if you message me I'll make an effort to answer specific inquiries and make further recommendations, mostly what to do if in counseling. Your husband is invited to do the same. Understand that I will not be counseling anyone online, especially not through a forum's message system.

If something more than pastoral counseling proves necessary then I recommend you find a counselor familiar with John Gottman's work and/or Emotion-Focused Therapy of Sue Johnson.
 
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gym_class_hero

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find a good Christian counselor.

avoid putting yourself in situations where you confide to another man besides your husband

sometimes we put all our eggs in the happiness basket. If our marriage isnt perfect, we are unhappy. Christ is the only rock solid source of joy. Seek joy, not happiness. Joy comes from living in a way pleasing to God.

understand it's easier to avoid temptation than resist it

this is a spiritual battle, the enemy knows our weaknesses

God bless you
 
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(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)

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Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??
You were not married to him at the time so you did not have an affair. I would be very careful not to use that term. If you are no longer having any interaction with this online person, I really don't think there is a need to tell him.
 
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Josheb

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You were not married to him at the time so you did not have an affair. I would be very careful not to use that term. If you are no longer having any interaction with this online person, I really don't think there is a need to tell him.
Do you believe an engagement to be married is a form of increased commitment and fidelity intended to lead to still greater and more enduring degrees of commitment and fidelity?
 
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(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)

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Do you believe an engagement to be married is a form of increased commitment and fidelity intended to lead to still greater and more enduring degrees of commitment and fidelity?
Yes. But you cannot have an affair if you are unmarried. What the OP did was a form of betrayal. But it was not adultery nor an affair.
 
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dms1972

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I became interested in someone else again and I feel exhausted going through this. I've been praying to God for months to help me but my feelings for someone else that's not my husband have only gotten stronger and I don't want to have an affair. But last night the thought occurred to me I can't keep doing this. And I felt like God reminded me of the online affair when I was engaged. And I felt convicted to confess my sin to my husband. Because I know if it were the other way around I'd want to know of any infidelity.

So this has nothing to do with your "emotional online affair" then, and everything to do with temptation to unfaithfulness in the present? What was all the stuff about an online affair you "ended"?

I am sure its exhausting - when its all about you - it usually is!
 
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I became interested in someone else again and I feel exhausted going through this. I've been praying to God for months to help me but my feelings for someone else that's not my husband have only gotten stronger and I don't want to have an affair. But last night the thought occurred to me I can't keep doing this. And I felt like God reminded me of the online affair when I was engaged. And I felt convicted to confess my sin to my husband. Because I know if it were the other way around I'd want to know of any infidelity.
You don't have to give names. But who is this person? A friend, coworker, ect...?
 
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Girl4God86

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So you are saying this is a chronic condition, that you did it before and are doing it again. If I misunderstood, then forgive the following.

That severely lessens the concept you have learned your lesson and instead self is still overriding selflessness. With that attitude you are of no value to your husband or any others as you may never change. The choice is yours as to which path you wish to follow. Btw, are you hoping confessing to your hubby will open a door to pursue someone else?

Even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to cause he is married as well with a family and I would never want to be a homewrecker. I have feelings for him but I refuse to pursue a married man and hurt his family. The idea of that makes me feel sick in my stomach.

But because I have developed feelings for someone else again now I feel like God is telling me this is a reoccurring problem I need to address
 
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timothyu

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. But it was not adultery
Matthew 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
 
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