Life just does not seem to be working for us...

[Hazelelponi]

Thanks for your post. I do want to have a God centered, God focused life and I try to live this out in front of my wife, kids and what friends that I have.
I am just feeling burned out with a very uneventful and boring life. It has gone on for a decade now and I am at the point where I am really wondering if this is all there is. The hands of time are ticking and I am mindful that I am not getting any younger. It would be nice to start feeling some zest and enthusiasm for life instead of feeling like I have been sucker punched.
All I feel like I am doing is just running a business (with just me) and that is about it.
Our marriage is strong and our family is strong too, but I just feel like there is nothing happening.

You know that's called a midlife crisis yes?

Your not the first person to feel like this and you won't be the last. As our children get older we all start feeling stuck and bored a bit for a while and do a bit of soul searching.

It's a really good time to pick up a hobby or two... it will occupy your time and give you something interesting and new to focus on that's safe. Far safer than throwing your family into turmoil (and your marriage in jeopardy) as you consider dragging them halfway across the world again anyway.

And that's all it is, in the end. While I love this country (America) even I had a time where I had to wonder who I was, and what I wanted out of life when my kids were grown.

I think it's normal and natural for us all to find ourselves going through motions at one point in our life, and desire more, look for more. Wonder what we are doing..

hobbies are made for midlife crisises. You need that new car smell (figure of speech). There is woodworking, golf or sports, photography. Just find something new to do that has a decent amount of learning involved..

 

[PoppyB]

A bit of background on us... We are a Christian family (wife and I have been Christians since childhood) and have been married for over two decades with kids now in the mid teens.
For about the last decade now, we have found ourselves to just be treading water and going through the motions with life. Kind of like ground hog day, over and over and over and over again. There is no real sense of purpose (other than serving God as best we can, providing for the family and witnessing to people we come in contact with) and there is no real sense of challenge or joy or contentment. It gets me down, but Wife is extremely bored with life seems semi depressed about our situation. I feel like the wind is no longer in my sails either. Financially we are ok (not rich, but not in trouble) and we are all mostly healthy. Wife works full time and I run my own small business from home.
We live in Australia, but had the wonderful opportunity of living in the USA twice. First time we lived in the USA was totally amazing and wonderful. I never wanted to leave, but wife got homesick). Second time we lived there was meant to be permanent, but wife got homesick again and we returned to Australia. Since being back in Australia, we see that God has cared for us and blessed us with his provision, however life just seems to suck. Nothing really going on, no sense of belonging here, my family is totally estranged and most of wife's family relationships are strained (except for her parents - dear people).
I just feel that something has to change. I have no idea what this would look like or what it would be, but something has to change... I find myself absolutely yearning for life in the US again, but wife has significant fears about the US health system and the gun laws (which I can understand) and I would never embark on life back in the US with her having these fears. I manage to stay in touch with a few American mates and I envy the lives they all lead.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore... I don't know if this post even makes sense.
Mostly I just try to bury these feelings and soldier on, but sometimes it gets a bit hard going.
Anyway, does anyone else experience something like this or have any pearls of wisdom to throw my way?

You say you are both Christians from childhood. So are you born again and Spirit filled?

 

[bmjackson]

Hi I agree with Carl, that the main problem is spiritual and that needs to be sorted out before even thinking of changing living situations. I can't remember who it was, but a wise spiritual man in the past said that we should stay put as much as possible because changing our location too often will have a significant spiritual toll.

Having a thankful heart will drastically change things. So put that first for you both. There is a life of blessing and spiritual abundance, of peace and joy, (though not without trials) for those who seek Jesus and His will before all else, even personal comfort.

There is more yes, and taking the high road to holiness is the direction to go in. Are you willing to lose the things you value? Are you willing to make Christ your all in all? Can you go on a retreat and do some serious reading of men and women in the past who gained victory in this area after suffering the emptiness you describe? Then do it.

 

[Strong in Him]

A bit of background on us... We are a Christian family (wife and I have been Christians since childhood) and have been married for over two decades with kids now in the mid teens.
For about the last decade now, we have found ourselves to just be treading water and going through the motions with life. Kind of like ground hog day, over and over and over and over again. There is no real sense of purpose (other than serving God as best we can, providing for the family and witnessing to people we come in contact with) and there is no real sense of challenge or joy or contentment. It gets me down, but Wife is extremely bored with life seems semi depressed about our situation. I feel like the wind is no longer in my sails either. Financially we are ok (not rich, but not in trouble) and we are all mostly healthy. Wife works full time and I run my own small business from home.
We live in Australia, but had the wonderful opportunity of living in the USA twice. First time we lived in the USA was totally amazing and wonderful. I never wanted to leave, but wife got homesick). Second time we lived there was meant to be permanent, but wife got homesick again and we returned to Australia. Since being back in Australia, we see that God has cared for us and blessed us with his provision, however life just seems to suck. Nothing really going on, no sense of belonging here, my family is totally estranged and most of wife's family relationships are strained (except for her parents - dear people).
I just feel that something has to change. I have no idea what this would look like or what it would be, but something has to change... I find myself absolutely yearning for life in the US again, but wife has significant fears about the US health system and the gun laws (which I can understand) and I would never embark on life back in the US with her having these fears. I manage to stay in touch with a few American mates and I envy the lives they all lead.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore... I don't know if this post even makes sense.
Mostly I just try to bury these feelings and soldier on, but sometimes it gets a bit hard going.

I've no idea where you should live - stay or go - that's a matter for prayer, discussion and more prayer.
A few questions though;
You say your wife seems "semi depressed"; is this something that needs further investigation?
What about your own health; could there be physical reasons you feel as you do?
Are you relying on outward circumstances to dictate your happiness; would moving to America resolve your feelings, or would you still be discontent with where you are going in life?
You say you want to 'belong'. This world, however thrilling it may be, is only temporary; we do not belong to the world but to Christ. We are IN him, are to live and remain in him, John 15:4 and no one can ever separate us from his love, Romans 8:38-39. Do you really believe this?
What does the Lord say about it?
Are you thankful to God for his care and many blessings to you? What has he been teaching you so far?
What about your children - schools, exams, possible jobs?
Is there anything you can do to try to get your families together - big birthday, family wedding?
Are there any charities you can volunteer for in your spare time? This might teach you new skills and/or help clarify what things are important to you - somewhere like Oxfam, Christian Aid, or helping with local groups.

All the best.

 

[Chris V++]

What part of the US did you live in? There are regional differences. If you lived in NYC, for example, your experience will differ significantly if you come back to, say, Las Vegas, NV. I do agree with your wife that it can be expensive getting sick or dying in the USA, even with insurance. Insurance companies deny as much coverage as they can get away with, an most have weighty copays and deductibles. It's tough here until you reach 65 and become eligible for our socialized medicare system. Until then, getting sick can bankrupt a family. I can related a little to your urge to travel and explore. My wife and I are looking forward to the day we can sell our house and roam around the planet.

 

[Tony Stark]

There is no doubt He uses a dry time to bring is to dependence on Him. What opportunities for Christian service present ? Is there inner city street evangelism you could support? Could you host a fellowship group in the home? What gifts and talents have you been given? For me my relationship with Him is a vital conversational relationship - is it possible you have somehow lost your first love or maybe even missed a deep connection with Him. Can you start praying for your close neighbours and see what doors He opens up? The walk with Him is meant to be one of praise and thankfulness. Is there someone to forgive? Maybe you are battling some sort of spiritual blockage. I would prioritise prayer with others who you can trust and agree together for a breakthrough. Boring is definitely not His will. Changing country will not deal to the deeper issues.

You are probably right Carl.. I am not planning to force my wife back to the US anyway when she has these concerns and doesn't seem to love the Country as much as I do. It would be a recipe for disaster.
We are both feeling burned out and tired of investing into people. I think life has been dry and boring for so long that we are just stuck. Not sure what the way out is.
Maybe we have missed deep connection with God in all of this. Maybe the US was where He wanted us the second time and we blew it and now this is just the result of our choices?
Something has to change...

 

[Tony Stark]

You say you are both Christians from childhood. So are you born again and Spirit filled?

Yep and yep...

 

[paul1149]

We thought that God was leading us back to the US the second time. Everything lined up so well last time with everything and we were sure that God was in it. However, it all fell apart when my wife started getting homesick and missing family and Australian life. She got depressed too. I can never understand why God didn't sustain us through that period, but maybe we just took our eyes off Him and we failed. I strongly feel that returning to Australia was not the right thing, but kept that to myself for the most part. Some years after we returned, my wife even admitted to me that she thinks we failed God in all that. I just rest in the fact that I did my best with my family's needs at heart. Ever since we returned, I would say that nothing seems to have clicked for us. No family, not friends, not Churches and we have no sense of belonging. Wife often feels like she is going nuts and wants change. I don't want to preempt God in any of this though and at the moment, a return to the US is not likely. I am not sure I could do it a third time. The last time about destroyed me.
Spiritually, I would say that we are both burned out. With no sense of belonging and bad Church experiences, we are just treading water.

I think your current situation is a compelling invitation for the two of you to start not only having ongoing non-pressured talks about this, but to be praying both individually and together about it, also in an ongoing way. Both of you are conflicted. What you did you did seeking the right path forward, but that alone does not always mean we make the right choices. It may be that your wife needs help in the emotional area, to be able to cut herself loose from prior attachments, and that that is where you come in, with the prayer and support and steady leadership. You two need to draw together spiritually, because this has been dividing you.

What you've written is sad, and I'm sure the Lord does not want you in futility. He paid too high a price for that. So what's needed is an ongoing effort by both of you, individually and together, to seek His face and His will and not let yourself be overwhelmed by your circumstances. Return to Him in the secret place of daily devotional prayer and ministry to Him. Don't let the bad church / life scene discourage you or hold you back. You and your wife are too valuable to waste. It's a blessing that you're both Christian and can work together on that plane. Probably the fruitfulness you would enjoy at the center of the Lord's will is why you have encountered the opposition. I pray for your peace, clarity and encouragement, and that you find your way forward.

 

[Tony Stark]

I've no idea where you should live - stay or go - that's a matter for prayer, discussion and more prayer.
A few questions though;
You say your wife seems "semi depressed"; is this something that needs further investigation?
What about your own health; could there be physical reasons you feel as you do?
Are you relying on outward circumstances to dictate your happiness; would moving to America resolve your feelings, or would you still be discontent with where you are going in life?
You say you want to 'belong'. This world, however thrilling it may be, is only temporary; we do not belong to the world but to Christ. We are IN him, are to live and remain in him, John 15:4 and no one can ever separate us from his love, Romans 8:38-39. Do you really believe this?
What does the Lord say about it?
Are you thankful to God for his care and many blessings to you? What has he been teaching you so far?
What about your children - schools, exams, possible jobs?
Is there anything you can do to try to get your families together - big birthday, family wedding?
Are there any charities you can volunteer for in your spare time? This might teach you new skills and/or help clarify what things are important to you - somewhere like Oxfam, Christian Aid, or helping with local groups.

All the best.

Well, I like to think that I am thankful to God for his care and provision and I do pray and thank Him. I am always mindful that things could be worse and I try to stay positive.
However... At the end of the day, we just do not have a sense of belonging or anything really going on. Life seems to be full of drudgery and rather empty.
I understand that this world is only temporary, but I feel deep inside that there should be more to life than this (not talking about big houses, or expensive cars or lots of jewelry here).

 

[Tony Stark]

What part of the US did you live in? There are regional differences. If you lived in NYC, for example, your experience will differ significantly if you come back to, say, Las Vegas, NV. I do agree with your wife that it can be expensive getting sick or dying in the USA, even with insurance. Insurance companies deny as much coverage as they can get away with, an most have weighty copays and deductibles. It's tough here until you reach 65 and become eligible for our socialized medicare system. Until then, getting sick can bankrupt a family. I can related a little to your urge to travel and explore. My wife and I are looking forward to the day we can sell our house and roam around the planet.

We lived in North Carolina both times. We have traveled all over the US though and I can now say that I have been in all of the lower 48 states. We know the Country pretty well and the South is definitely more hospitable than the North. My wife said she would feel safer in Canada... You know, it's funny... Most Americans we know hate the Canadian health system (socialized medicine and health care), which is what Australia basically has. But in Australia, you cannot lose your house over medical bankruptcy. After living in both Countries, I have to say that Australia has the better health system, but that is a whole other topic...

 

[Tony Stark]

I think your current situation is a compelling invitation for the two of you to start not only having ongoing non-pressured talks about this, but to be praying both individually and together about it, also in an ongoing way. Both of you are conflicted. What you did you did seeking the right path forward, but that alone does not always mean we make the right choices. It may be that your wife needs help in the emotional area, to be able to cut herself loose from prior attachments, and that that is where you come in, with the prayer and support and steady leadership. You two need to draw together spiritually, because this has been dividing you.

What you've written is sad, and I'm sure the Lord does not want you in futility. He paid too high a price for that. So what's needed is an ongoing effort by both of you, individually and together, to seek His face and His will and not let yourself be overwhelmed by your circumstances. Return to Him in the secret place of daily devotional prayer and ministry to Him. Don't let the bad church / life scene discourage you or hold you back. You and your wife are too valuable to waste. It's a blessing that you're both Christian and can work together on that plane. Probably the fruitfulness you would enjoy at the center of the Lord's will is why you have encountered the opposition. I pray for your peace, clarity and encouragement, and that you find your way forward.

Thank you Paul. This was a real encouragement to hear these words. It will be a tough road ahead I feel as we have been stuck in this state and used up for so long now.

 

[Strong in Him]

Well, I like to think that I am thankful to God for his care and provision and I do pray and thank Him. I am always mindful that things could be worse and I try to stay positive.

However... At the end of the day, we just do not have a sense of belonging or anything really going on. Life seems to be full of drudgery and rather empty.

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think that IS the case, or that you're both feeling a bit low/spiritually dry and that's how you perceive it?
What would you like to happen? A few times recently, I have heard people using the GROW acronym.
G. Goal - What do you want to achieve; is there 1 thing you can aim for?
R. Resources - what do you need to make it happen or take the first step? Maybe also stands for Reality, where are you now; do you need to learn/give up anything to reach your goal?
O. Obstacles - what's stopping you from reaching your goal?
W. What next; what's your first step?

I don't need to know any of the answers to these things; they're just for you to think about.

I understand that this world is only temporary, but I feel deep inside that there should be more to life than this (not talking about big houses, or expensive cars or lots of jewelry here).

What "more" do you want?
More of God?
More self esteem?
More of a sense of achievement?
More time with family, or better relationships?
More hobbies?

 

[Bible Highlighter]

A bit of background on us... We are a Christian family (wife and I have been Christians since childhood) and have been married for over two decades with kids now in the mid teens.
For about the last decade now, we have found ourselves to just be treading water and going through the motions with life. Kind of like ground hog day, over and over and over and over again. There is no real sense of purpose (other than serving God as best we can, providing for the family and witnessing to people we come in contact with) and there is no real sense of challenge or joy or contentment. It gets me down, but Wife is extremely bored with life seems semi depressed about our situation. I feel like the wind is no longer in my sails either. Financially we are ok (not rich, but not in trouble) and we are all mostly healthy. Wife works full time and I run my own small business from home.
We live in Australia, but had the wonderful opportunity of living in the USA twice. First time we lived in the USA was totally amazing and wonderful. I never wanted to leave, but wife got homesick). Second time we lived there was meant to be permanent, but wife got homesick again and we returned to Australia. Since being back in Australia, we see that God has cared for us and blessed us with his provision, however life just seems to suck. Nothing really going on, no sense of belonging here, my family is totally estranged and most of wife's family relationships are strained (except for her parents - dear people).
I just feel that something has to change. I have no idea what this would look like or what it would be, but something has to change... I find myself absolutely yearning for life in the US again, but wife has significant fears about the US health system and the gun laws (which I can understand) and I would never embark on life back in the US with her having these fears. I manage to stay in touch with a few American mates and I envy the lives they all lead.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore... I don't know if this post even makes sense.
Mostly I just try to bury these feelings and soldier on, but sometimes it gets a bit hard going.
Anyway, does anyone else experience something like this or have any pearls of wisdom to throw my way?

Keep praying for God's direction. Keep following the path that the Lord has for you (Whether that be in the US or Australia). I had recently seen a Christian movie called: "Play the Flute" in limited theaters here in the US (i.e. Stony Brook, New York), and it was truly inspiring and uplifting to me and my wife. Maybe the trailer will be an encouragement to you to stay the course in following the Lord and or to ignite your fire or passion even more for Him.

I hope this helps;
And may God bless you and your wife wherever you may live.

 

[PoppyB]

Yep and yep...

I have found that just as the natural world goes through the different seasons so too does our spiritual life. So perhaps what you are experiencing just now is a dry spell or a winter of the soul and my advice would be to just wait for the spring to come again bringing the new growth. The winter times are times of consolidation and root growth and if you abide in the vine the new growth will come naturally without you having to try too hard. Hope that helps you as it as helped me and others over the years. God bless you and yours.

 

[dqhall]

We lived in North Carolina both times. We have traveled all over the US though and I can now say that I have been in all of the lower 48 states. We know the Country pretty well and the South is definitely more hospitable than the North. My wife said she would feel safer in Canada... You know, it's funny... Most Americans we know hate the Canadian health system (socialized medicine and health care), which is what Australia basically has. But in Australia, you cannot lose your house over medical bankruptcy. After living in both Countries, I have to say that Australia has the better health system, but that is a whole other topic...

I live in Florida. Some home owners in my community are Canadians or northerners who came down here in November and then returned to the north in April. I met a lady who told me she and her husband were returning to Canada as their insurance does not cover out of country healthcare expenses.

I met a man who told me he flew down here with a relative for a medical procedure to fix a pulmonary embolism as the waiting time was three months in New York and there was no waiting time in my area.

I used to fly to Israel, rented a car and toured for two weeks. Anymore it is an expense I do not need. Many who got the wanderlust found they were unable to get ahead financially. Be it ever so humble there is no place like home. I thank God for a laptop and an Internet portal to the world.

 

[Endeavourer]

Are you and your wife still deeply and romantically in love with each other?

My husband and I both work from home, so our lives are fairly routine and we don't experience much external stimulation. We've both been burned by churches as well.

However, we richly enjoy each day together because we are crazy in love with each other. A walk together, studying the Bible together, snuggling in bed after the day and talking for an hour... a bike ride, etc etc. Our time together is alive and gives each day new radiance.

Do you and your wife purposefully date each other? Many couples initially react that they don't have time... but they do. I'm in touch with a community of couples who do this too, and they schedule their time out and make it work. They're rewarded with a vibrant, exciting marriage that makes each day wonderful and blessed. What do you think of this article:
The Policy of Undivided Attention (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Another area that has brought a surprising change to the purpose I feel about life is after my husband and I were each burned by churches, he decided to become a "none" and he studies his Bible for several hours Sunday morning by himself. I also wanted to become a "none", but some of my children were not regularly attending a church (and I didn't feel they were ready to become nones, which for them at their would just mean treating Sunday like any other day), so I joined up with one of my sons at an inner city church plant and tried to rally my other children to attend too. In doing this, a transition I wasn't expecting is that now I come to church to minister to others and not to be ministered to myself. My Sundays before were reflective and more passive (sitting in the pew and receiving) where now my spiritual experience is active and giving. It has added an element to the liveliness of my spiritual journey that has been really exciting. Could you consider something in that direction? Transitioning your church time to ministering instead of receiving?

 

[MiggyTig]

I'm sorry you feel this way, Tony. The irony is that many Americans are looking for a way to move out of this country. I believe the whole world is feeling what you're feeling, no matter where they're at.

I used to run a successful business and was in good financial health.

That ended about 5 years ago. Now I'm poor as a church mouse (and about to become evicted today and possibly homeless) but I try daily to rejoice in the little things. For instance this morning I was happy that when I opened my bedroom window my favorite little squirrel who I have named Nicholas was waiting patiently to come and enter the table beside my bed for his morning peanuts.

That may seem silly but it took many weeks to gain his trust but God let the little guy know that I would care for him properly and not hurt him. This is a simple joy but one that fills me with thanksgiving to our Lord for allowing me to be trusted to care for his many creations while here on earth.

I guess I've lowered my expectations on what activities bring me pleasure these days but I still enjoy them when I have God in my heart.

Please don't get so involved that moving is the answer, as it clearly wasn't the first two times you did so. I would rather be living in many other cities or countries. But it's not possible so I look to the joys around me and these days (well, except for today where I'm actually scared to death) I find many. And when I am joyful, God is happy.

Best of luck to you and your family.

In Christ, Miggytig

 

[Chris V++]

Most Americans we know hate the Canadian health system (socialized medicine and health care), which is what Australia basically has.

We get a lot of propaganda here surrounding this issue.

 

[mama2one]

following

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Have some fun. Spend some money on yourselves. God didn't call us to a life of endless service and morbid gloom.