My boyfriend lied to me about being a virgin

jenna p

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I'd guess that's because you haven't truly forgiven him, as in like it never happened.

And don't get me wrong, that is very hard to do...not sure I could in a case like this, and "saying" you forgive him may be all that's necessary as long as your sincere, and I believe you are.

Yes, something like that can mean one might have tendencies, but don't we all to some degree? I think I would go more with an overall opinion over defining him by that one thing. But in the end you aren't really doing that now, but only trying to figure things out at this point so, just some things to keep in mind.
Thanks for your wisdom here. Yes I agree. I think that eventhough I forgive him, doesnt mean I am not hurting. And eventhough I forgive him, doesnt mean I should let my gaurd down. You are right though, true forgiveness totally forgets. I believe I will get to that place; however, it will take work from him and I, and because we are not married, I have the right to investigate to see if this lying is a frequent issue... or else you might as well call me naive. Thoughts?
 
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jenna p

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well ... I'd let him know that lies really bothers you and maybe have a discussion about honesty in general .... ie are little lies ok etc? People have difference perceptions about lies ... in that they see them in "degrees".

So, you feel this way .... you need to be honest with him as well.

Honesty in marriage is paramount.
Yes. I love what you said. I must be honest with him too. I have recently told him exactly how I'm feeling about this whole situation eventhough it is the brutal truth. Yikes
 
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jenna p

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Hi, Jenna, I like your name. :)

I know you're getting a lot of advice, some godly and some not so godly. I'll just add my two cents worth as an older female.

Lying is a very serious offense. At least, that's what God says about it. It wouldn't be good to believe that this is not serious. He started his relationship with you partly based on a lie. There's no getting around this.

Many people today think that virginity is not all that important. I do, and obviously you do too. So, he lied to you about something that's very important to you.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I think you should break up with him based on his telling you a lie, but if I were in your shoes, I would wonder if he's lying about anything else. This would definitely damage my trust. This is not a good start to a relationship that could lead to marriage.

All I can say for sure is that you need to pray about it and see what the Lord shows you to do. If you know people around you who also know him and could give you wise counsel, especially someone like a pastor, I would seek their counsel.

I pray that you will have God's wisdom in this situation!

Blessings!
Deborah
Aww! Thank you for this very thoughtful response. You are spot on when you say that I am probably wondering if he lies about anything else (past/present/future). That is exactly what I'm thinking. I have been brutally honest with him and told him exactly how I'm feeling. I know I need to forgive him (and I have forgiven him)... but true forgiveness forgets it even happened. But at this point, I haven't forgot. I think forgetting would be naive and just because I have forgiven him, doesn't mean that I am not hurt or that I should let my gaurd down. We are not married, I believe I deserve to at least speculate a little bit to discern if he does lie frequently. I appreciate your wise words. Thoughts?
 
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bmjackson

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I dontd think that the fact he lied is the big issue here. What is more important is how he is acting now you know, and it is a good sign he told you, unless he is scheming and manipulating you. If he is making amends and accepting he has lost some of your trust and has to earn that again, then you can work this out, but caution is a good idea.
 
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jenna p

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As someone else said, "We are all sinners." If you thought that you were setting yourself up for this perfect marriage, think again. You will have many more issues in life, many more disappointments. You must be willing to take the good with the bad and in time, you will both work towards being Christ-like.
He met you and you captivated him, he liked you a lot and then fell in love. Obviously, he needed to impress you. He showed his best qualities to win you over. It is typical in new romantic relationships to do this. You present your best. You hide your flaws and idiosyncrasies, and are in agreement with each other on all issues: religion, politics, goals, family, etc. You don't want to show your temper, impatience, you watch your language, don't pick your nose, etc. You open the door and show manners AS IF that's been part of your being. The women is impressed, " Wow, this guy is a perfect gentleman, the man of my dreams"! Let's get real, every girl wants that fairy tale knight in shining armor, but when you look close, oops, he's not so shiny. Look at a beautiful garden from a distance and it looks like paradise. Move closer and closer and see bug infested plants with holes and rotted leaves, some diseases and lots of defects. Hey, we will all get perfect bodies someday and live in a perfect environment without sin, but until then, it's all around us. I'm not perfect and neither is my wife or my daughter or my dog.
Do you think your parents never lied to you? Mostly, to protect you or for your own good. My mother has carried a lie with her that she'll probably take to her grave. When you have kids, they will lie as soon as they can talk. "Did you break this lamp Johnny?" "No, my sister did it." They will test you, manipulate you, lie to you, to get what they want. You'll catch them, punish them and they will be good for a while, then later will do something else. Wait till you here them cuss or come home with a tatoo or hopefully you won't have to get that call, Mom, I'm in jail, can you bail me out."

Backing up a bit.
After about 1 1/2 - 2 years, when you have become comfortable with each other and have spent lots of time together, you begin to relax and some of those flaws begin to show themselves. "Ah, what the heck, I got her now ... I'm gonna pass gas or swear if I feel like it or whatever ... or let her get that door herself - what is she crippled ... Or Now it's time to tell her who I really am, Im not a virgin! Oh and by the way, I not the owner of a company, I don't have lots of money, I actually have a huge debt, while I've been treating you and buying you all those gifts ..." The truth is, people can only hide their flaws for so long. Eventually you will see them. Even Dr. LAURA used to advise couples to at least two years of courtship before marriage, to allow enough time to see who they really are - for the flaws to surface.
If this is the only thing he kept from you, you can forgive and be hopeful - He might be closer to a saint then most guys out there? Just tell him to put everything on the table now ... "Is there anything else you need to tell me?"

What about You? You aren't perfect. What flaws have you been hiding? Time to reveal them too.
I hate liars though, more than anything. Let's hope he doesn't open up a chest full of lies. I would rather know the flaws and have a person present themselves honestly up front, but people either have a hard time doing that or are just in denial of their own sinful state.
Awesome response. Love it. Thanks for your input! Yeah the biggest part for me is wondering if he lies frequently. It's nothing to do with the fact he had sex. It is about lying. How much more has he or will he lie to me? But yeah, you're right... we all have our sins. But because we are not married, if he does lie then I am not going to tolerate lying and our relationship may not work out. Thoughts?
 
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jenna p

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People lie for different reasons. Is it possible that he felt he would lose you if he told the truth?

People have to be really comfortable and must have utmost trust in you..... if you want them to be fully honest... especially about things as serious and personal as this.
Oh yes. For sure. He thought he'd lose me if he told me. But that is no excuse to lie. He knew the truth would have to come out at some point because it was eating him alive and he knew it would hurt me to find out he lied. We had incredible trust between the two of us... it makes no sense why he didnt think he could tell me. Of course I wouldnt break up with him over him not being a virgin, but I will not tolerate constant lying. If this is the first lie I know about, then what other lies dont i know about?
 
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Deborah D

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Aww! Thank you for this very thoughtful response. You are spot on when you say that I am probably wondering if he lies about anything else (past/present/future). That is exactly what I'm thinking. I have been brutally honest with him and told him exactly how I'm feeling. I know I need to forgive him (and I have forgiven him)... but true forgiveness forgets it even happened. But at this point, I haven't forgot. I think forgetting would be naive and just because I have forgiven him, doesn't mean that I am not hurt or that I should let my gaurd down. We are not married, I believe I deserve to at least speculate a little bit to discern if he does lie frequently. I appreciate your wise words. Thoughts?

Thanks for your kind words. :heart:

It's great that you've forgiven him! We should always forgive when someone wrongs us.

The problem is in moving forward in your relationship with him. How much can you really trust him? That's the issue that you're faced with. Marriage requires a special level of trust so that it can be everything God intended it to be. And the marriage relationship can be difficult even in the best of circumstances.

Of course, I don't know your boyfriend at all. It may be that this is the only thing he's ever lied about to you. Or this may be a pattern with him. I hope not. You really need God's wisdom about this, and I pray that He will show you what you need to know.

Again, I would urge you to seek godly counsel and prayer from someone who knows both of you if this is possible.
 
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Dawn Johnson

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Cherry picking the Bible never works. You can't stand on biblical texts regarding lying while ignoring scriptures on fornication. God won't honor that and when you and your boyfriend started sexually sinning, you both kicked God out of your relationship. You both need to stop sinning in the relationship by having sex and repent. You then need to give the relationship to God and see if He gives it back to you and if God does does do so, you will both have to work hard on it because you no longer trust him. You also can't really trust at this point that he only had sex with his ex-girlfriend only one time. I find that highly suspect. Your bigger hurt than that he lied to you, is you now realize you were not having sex with him because you are special to him because he already had sex with another and he lied to you and manipulated you, telling what he thought would help to convince you to ignore God's word and have sex with him anyways. Your relationship at this time is not built on God's foundations and it is much bigger an issue than that your boyfriend lied to you.
 
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JacksBratt

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Oh yes. For sure. He thought he'd lose me if he told me. But that is no excuse to lie. He knew the truth would have to come out at some point because it was eating him alive and he knew it would hurt me to find out he lied. We had incredible trust between the two of us... it makes no sense why he didnt think he could tell me. Of course I wouldnt break up with him over him not being a virgin, but I will not tolerate constant lying. If this is the first lie I know about, then what other lies dont i know about?
I understand, totally. I did not mean to imply that he was right to do it... Truth is always the path to take..

However, being imperfect ourselves.. there are times when we have to recognize the motivation behind the action. Sometimes we have to cut people some slack... let them show their true character over the years of dating.

If honesty is a character trait that he does not have... it will show up as time goes by.

We must make sure that people can count on us treating them with respect when they tell the truth. Especially when they are going to tell you something that is less than what they think you are accepting of.

Don't punish people for telling the truth... they will just keep the truth from you after that.

Also, something that an older person told me holds to be repeated.

Cage someone, and given the chance, they will run.
Question someone continually, they will tell you what you want to hear.
Nag someone, they will stop listening,
Constantly correct someone, they will hide things from you.
Ignore someone, they will leave.
Demand too much of someone.. they will no longer care for your needs.
 
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JacksBratt

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He told me because he felt convicted. It was making him feel sick. Since we are dating for marriage, he should have told me that a long time ago. If he had told me a long time ago, I would have kept dating him, yes. I am now just questioning his integrity.
Well, that is a good sign, IMO. His conscience is strong and the Holy Spirit was speaking to him.. he listened.

That's good news.
 
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Endeavourer

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however, it will take work from him and I, and because we are not married, I have the right to investigate to see if this lying is a frequent issue... or else you might as well call me naive. Thoughts?

The cold and brutal truth is that dating is an interview for marriage. You don't owe the person you're dating the rest of your life, even if you have dated 1.5 years, if you are not 100% head over heels in love with him and ready to take on the REST of your life together.

The rest of your life is a long time.

Anytime you feel he has failed the interview, you are free to look for someone who might better suit you. Don't get pulled into a marriage because you don't want to hurt his feelings or because you kind of feel obligated.

The rest of your life is a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG time.
 
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Endeavourer

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Here is an article for your consideration:

Choosing the Right One to Marry - Letter #1 (Marriage Builders®,...

Have you ever listened to any of Dave Ramsey's financial tapes? I listened to the one on buying a car. He did a lot of work to make his listeners understand that they should not marry the car during the test drive or at any time before they buy it. It gives the dealership a very unfair advantage during your negotiations. If you could either take or leave the car, it gives you the advantage.

Relationships are the same way. The person who becomes a buyer while the other person stays a renter or freeloader is greatly disadvantaged in the courting dance. The buyer is greatly motivated to fix things up and treat the other as if they will be a permanently important, intimate person in their lives. The renter could take or leave the other if the other becomes too much of a problem. (S)He who cares the least about the relationship has the most power in it.

Becoming a buyer BEFORE marriage is a bad move. It's like marrying the car during the test drive. Most women become buyers for sure when they have sex with their partner, so many kudos to you for avoiding this. Many men are able to have sex and maintain a renter, or even a freeloader mentality. This is one of the many reasons NOT to have sex before marriage. It puts you into a lopsided dance where the outcome is more important to you than to the other person.

I'm concerned from your writings here that your courtship may be lopsided and therefore your back and forth is unbalanced. It is best to remain renters right up until the marriage ceremony. At that time, if both parties have remained renters until that point, the pivot to being a buyer is very natural and there is a clear demarcation in the relationship at the time of the marriage. A beautiful demarcation.
 
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Presbyterian Continuist

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To me, this post is unbelievable in a "Christian" advice section. Marriage, in the bible, is a sacred covenant that is sealed like any other biblical covenant, in blood. To condone an action where a woman lost her virginity before marriage, or he was with somebody else who had already lost her virginity, promotes an action that stands against the character and will of our Creator.

@jenna p you have every right not to trust him. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't be given a second chance and be given an opportunity to EARN that trust back. And I would go down that route, and make sure you are back to a point of trust, BEFORE marrying him. If you never get back that point of full trust... walk away. There are others... :)
Some people are so heavenly minded they are of no earthly use. They think that this type of practical advice is not spiritual. Come on. Get real. The reality is that the guy is no longer a virgin. Big deal! That wasn't the issue. The issue was that he was pretending that he was to his fiance, and his conscience prompted him to come clean and admit it to her. Her problem was that he lied to her, but now he has repented and told her the truth.

As a 71 year old with two adult daughters, I think I am well placed to give some honest, practical comments. We can be as spiritual as we like, but after the honeymoon, a married couple have to get down to the business of practically living the life and going through the ups and downs on having to live with another person for the rest of their life. It is then one realises that they are not as spiritual as they thought they were!
 
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Blade

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You know when you put this kind of thing out there ... people forget hindsight is 20/20. And then.. this is NOT happening to them.

I agree... this would be hard to put trust in. I can see if I was in love.. and something like this came up.. but as a believer in JESUS ... to lie should not be so easy. Yet I can see and understand...

For me.. I would sit down and talk.. tell him how you really feel. Just talk.. you already know how it feels to mislead.. to lie. So.. stop it now. So WHEN and IF you get married.. you will never have this doubt every again.

And... pray together about it.. after. Take to to JESUS. Put JESUS 1st. I can not say that enough. I am 58 only had one girl. I look back.. and I can not tell you WHY we are still together.. other then.. fall down and cry at Christs feet for keeping us together. Or else.. its like tossing the dice. So.. talk.. to each other...that WILL make what you have even stronger.. and PRAY together!
 
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Kenny'sID

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Thanks for your wisdom here. Yes I agree. I think that eventhough I forgive him, doesnt mean I am not hurting. And eventhough I forgive him, doesnt mean I should let my gaurd down. You are right though, true forgiveness totally forgets. I believe I will get to that place; however, it will take work from him and I, and because we are not married, I have the right to investigate to see if this lying is a frequent issue... or else you might as well call me naive. Thoughts?

I agree fully.
 
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Cis.jd

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He told me because he felt convicted. It was making him feel sick. Since we are dating for marriage, he should have told me that a long time ago. If he had told me a long time ago, I would have kept dating him, yes. I am now just questioning his integrity.

Just let it go. That is all his past. There is no need to question his integrity because he's shown the courage to let you know about it when your relationship is already serious.

When I was in my early 20's, i dated a girl and early on she asked me if I ever watched inappropriate content. I told her no (which nearly any male would automatically know is a lie). As I got older, i ended up maturing in these things in where I am not afraid to hide that I've seen a inappropriate content clip before - or that I occasionally like to drink a beer. If she is so holier than thou then so be-it.

Point is, sometimes integrity develops along with maturity - especially with us guys.
 
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(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)

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He told me because he felt convicted. It was making him feel sick. Since we are dating for marriage, he should have told me that a long time ago. If he had told me a long time ago, I would have kept dating him, yes. I am now just questioning his integrity.
How do you feel about the fact that he freely confessed the relationship to you as opposed to you finding out by some other means? Lying is not acceptable. However, in regards to his integrity, it says a lot that he made his confession freely by his own convictions and guilt. But to be frank, the choice is yours. You can either forgive him and never bring it up again, or move on and let him go. There are no other options. I will say this, if you are unable to let it go, if you are unable to forgive him, you are not ready to marry this guy more so than he is not ready to marry you. Until you can trust him again, you should not marry him. He was wrong for not being honest, but he doesn't deserve to spend the entire marriage with you holding that over his head...which I am afraid will not be very long.
 
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eleos1954

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Yes. I love what you said. I must be honest with him too. I have recently told him exactly how I'm feeling about this whole situation eventhough it is the brutal truth. Yikes

It can be difficult, but when not dealing in truth, then what kind of outcome can be expected? Nothing get's solved. Truth ... in gentleness and kindness

God Bless
 
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High Fidelity

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Just move on and find someone else, honestly.

Most people lie at some point to varying degrees, some are easier to forgive than others.

Deceiving you over something clearly important for over a year? Yeah, not a great prequel for what's to come.

You deserve better than that.
 
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Yeah I think it was his own pride that kept it from me, understandable, but still not acceptable. I feel pretty hurt. I mean I trusted this guy. I guess we will move forward and see if I detect any more lies.
Expect people to let you down, even your boyfriend. But how he handles it tells you everything you need to know

If he handles it with integrity forgive him and be thankful. As humans almost all of us have a tendency to manipulate situations with how we react to conflicts.

But when one reacts with integrity you know they are truly sorry
 
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