My teenager's best friend's mom can't be trusted

[SingingMichelle74]

My teenager spends a lot of time at her best friend's house and even calls her friends' mom "mom". The BFF is a wonderful kid and we like them a lot. We all got along fine for a couple of years with us occastionally all getting together for cookouts once or twice a year. Recently their attitude toward us changed because they didn't agree with our parenting decision about a dating relationship our child wanted to have with one of their friends' kids. We've also found out they've not been totally honest with their opinion regarding our child's interest in the dating relationship. Combined with hearing about the mom being dishonest with her own husband and telling our child about it, we want to greatly reduce the influence she has on our child. We tried to have an adult conversation about our concerns with the parents which blew up with accusation and them bringing other people into the situation (we all go to church together to complicate matters and we teach their kid's Sunday school classes too.) My child loves this mom and hangs on her every word, but I'm afraid her advice may not be want our child to hear or see. We don't want to cause division at our church. What are some tips to decrease the influence this mom has on our child without negatively affecting the kids' friendship and our church?

 

[Sam91]

How old is your teen? Unfortunately, we can't control our teens as much as a younger child. You'll need to think carefully before doing something because it could be much worse. Pray about it. You do not want to cause your child to resent you by not allowing them to visit with their friend. Your teen may also feel that you lack trust in them and also could have disdain for you.

 

[RaymondG]

You decrease the other parents influence by increasing yours....

 

[Sparagmos]

My teenager spends a lot of time at her best friend's house and even calls her friends' mom "mom". The BFF is a wonderful kid and we like them a lot. We all got along fine for a couple of years with us occastionally all getting together for cookouts once or twice a year. Recently their attitude toward us changed because they didn't agree with our parenting decision about a dating relationship our child wanted to have with one of their friends' kids. We've also found out they've not been totally honest with their opinion regarding our child's interest in the dating relationship. Combined with hearing about the mom being dishonest with her own husband and telling our child about it, we want to greatly reduce the influence she has on our child. We tried to have an adult conversation about our concerns with the parents which blew up with accusation and them bringing other people into the situation (we all go to church together to complicate matters and we teach their kid's Sunday school classes too.) My child loves this mom and hangs on her every word, but I'm afraid her advice may not be want our child to hear or see. We don't want to cause division at our church. What are some tips to decrease the influence this mom has on our child without negatively affecting the kids' friendship and our church?

In my opinion and experience, teenagers cannot be “controlled,” only influenced. Trying to keep a teenager from having contact with someone they deeply like or admire will likely backfire. However, you can spend more time with your teen and use that time to deepen the relationship. Your teen will not learn important lessons about relationships if they are simply barred from having certain repationships. Since your teen is pretty much going to do what they want/think is right behind your back no matter what, you are better off telling them that they can choose for themselves who to have a relationship with and then offering advice and guidance. Then you will at least know what is going on and will not be shut out and in the dark. Like I said, this is my opinion. Others believe in a different approach. My parents tried to control my behavior when I was a teen and it pretty much destroyed our relationship for a long time.

 

[Rescued One]

Damage has already been done! No Christian should teach another Christian's child that his/her parents are wrong unless those parents are abusive!

 

[Rescued One]

You decrease the other parents influence by increasing yours....

That statement doesn't tell anyone how to accomplish more influence. Children gravitate towards the person who says what they want to hear.

 

[Dave G.]

I to tell you but no human can be truly 100% trusted. By the time kids turn into teens is about when you find out if you instilled any value into them during the formative years or not. And then they will test your system and hopefully learn that you were right along the way. But you aren't forming much of anything this late in the game, just playing mother hen.

 

[JAM2b]

I would limit the time your kid spends with them, if not put an end to it altogether.

It disturbs me that they are members of your church and drag others into the conflict. That's a lot of drama that has no business in family's who are raising children or in the church.

Can you go to your pastor or someone in church leadership about that problem? I think you all need to be able to sit and have a talk about this with a third party with spiritual authority and leadership. If the situation cannot be resolved, then it might be necessary to cut ties with this family and the extended group of friends.

It is never appropriate for an adult to share about lying to their spouse with a kid, especially another person's kid. It is also harmful for them to work against your boundaries and direction given to your kids, especially about dating relationships. They are undermining your authority and having a negative influence on your kid.