what are you feeling right now? (24)

[Jeshu]

i just want to end it right now

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. Depression is a curse isn't? The darkness can be so overwhelming and so oppressive. The pit is a horrible place to be in.

i pray that you will keep your eyes on Jesus during this time. i remember clearly when i was in my pit and i let my thoughts dwell on the love of God then i would feel a little better and i would have times of hope again. i used to pray please establish good times in my heart again as i searched for the gifts of the holy Spirit.

Love, kindness, gentleness, gladness, thankfulness, long suffering, endurance, patience, and joy. i prayed every day for them and tried dwelling in such times with God even if only for a few seconds. i struggled for years like this fighting my depressive illness and i climbed out of my pit and left the desolation behind.

One thing stood out about this epic battle, depression lies to our hearts and minds while God's loving truth leads us into His rest and peace.

So please Lily be of good courage, you can get through this time and a better life can come your way. Put your faith in God's love and begin to cultivate that in your heart and before you know it you will begin to have hope again.



To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[gerbilwoman]

I have been doing better. I have been working more hours so I may not be around as much from now on. Thinking of everyone here.

 

[Yusuphhai]

I am in a hard time. I sleep too much. I feel dread about the reality of the world. I need let myself recognize I am only a very common people, even much weaker than common people. If I commit unforgivable sin now I will still be put into hell. 18 years ago when I lived in hospital I heard the voice that I would be put into hell definitely. Very horrible. May God not forsake me. I am sorry let my 80 years old parents serve my everyday’s life. Prayers are very appreciated.

 

[Jeshu]

I am in a hard time. I sleep too much. I feel dread about the reality of the world. I need let myself recognize I am only a very common people, even much weaker than common people. If I commit unforgivable sin now I will still be put into hell. 18 years ago when I lived in hospital I heard the voice that I would be put into hell definitely. Very horrible. May God not forsake me. I am sorry let my 80 years old parents serve my everyday’s life. Prayers are very appreciated.

Look at Jesus brother, not yourself. When you look at Jesus you will receive grace - so also forgive yourself. Forgive yourself that you fall short of the mark and thank God that He has been looking after you nevertheless.

Mentally ill people cannot do what healthy people do that is because they are sick.

Eat grace brother, keep eating grace.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling tense. i was up at 3.30am this morning. My sleep is getting shorter and shorter again. i stopped the 5-htp 4 weeks ago i'm not sure when it is safe to start them again. i sleep more than 3 hours less a night than four weeks ago and my sleep is much more disturbed.

Ever since i stopped the 5-htp the tensions have been back. This morning i was fine till 6am but then it started. i still get unwell when the tensions strike but not nearly as nauseated as before. i remember the tensions very well i used to go psychotic then and had all kind of weird ideas about what is happening to me. They make me feel awful that i for sure.

i'm really beginning to look forward to our holidays next week. The trip itself will suck but to see our loved ones again should be mint. Dad dying didn't only cause us grief at loosing him but it also cost us more than 2000 dollars to rebook our tickets. The insurance wouldn't pay because dad was in a nursing home. That is going to set us back big time for a bit.

My mood has been good overall. i'm cycling a lot faster through my moods now and hit deep valleys at times but usually no longer than about 30-40 minutes and then i cycle into another mood.

My anxiety has lessened enormously, still during tensions times at times, but overall i walk around for hours anxiety free. The last 6 months has seen increasing levels of anxiety especially the last three months. i don't think it has ever gotten this bad before. Like lightening was torching my chest. So glad i don't run scared quickly i was able to stay out of panic attacks all that time. The last four days anxiety has dropped to more acceptable levels, i really hope it will stay that way.

Greetings to all

 

[Press On]

I am in a hard time. I sleep too much. I feel dread about the reality of the world. I need let myself recognize I am only a very common people, even much weaker than common people. If I commit unforgivable sin now I will still be put into hell. 18 years ago when I lived in hospital I heard the voice that I would be put into hell definitely. Very horrible. May God not forsake me. I am sorry let my 80 years old parents serve my everyday’s life. Prayers are very appreciated.

2 Corinthians 12:9: The Lord's power shows best through weakness (His weak vessels--you and me).

If you committed the unforgivable sin you would not be distressing over whether or not you did. God is not the author of confusion. Don't listen to the lies in your head when you are vulnerable and at a low point: tired, angry, discouraged.

I speak of this to you because I am at a very low point myself. I know the battles and have the scars to prove it.

Sleep a lot, no joy or pleasure in the things important to me. Low energy, want to isolate. Yet for an old man I am physically fit. It's the damned depression, the chemical imbalance in the brain, nothing to be ashamed of. It is a physical ailment in many cases.

One foot in front of the other. DO NOT GIVE UP; DO NOT GIVE In!! You are stronger than you realize. We here in the west do not have the lack of certain freedoms you must cope with where you live, though persecution is beginning on subtle levels here and will only get worse with time.

Can't really be of much help to you, Yusuph, but I can identify with your feelings of hopelessness and sorrow. It will pass, but make the most of this time to draw close to the Lord. He may be doing a painful but necessary work in you. Love and prayers.

 

[Noxot]

I take it as a holy mystery that Jesus says we can blasphemy the son and be forgiven but not the holy spirit. I think Jesus was speaking in divine wisdom and trying to make sense of something fundamental in regards to the different roles the person's of the trinity play. We should pray that God let us understand. I have some ideas but it's hard to express because I see through a glass darkly.

 

[Noxot]

Turns out my little brother did not try to kill himself. He came to visit us. He said he swallowed some cocaine so that the cops could not charge him for it. I guess the boy is not lying about that.

He could have gotten 40 years but they dropped the charges. He swears he did not know the car he was passenger in was stolen.

My family in general is crazy. My brother sounds more chaotic than I am, he claims he is going to Canada to try to get a fresh start. I got no clue what is going on with him but I don't really think I could help him anyways.

 

[Yusuphhai]

Look at Jesus brother, not yourself. When you look at Jesus you will receive grace - so also forgive yourself. Forgive yourself that you fall short of the mark and thank God that He has been looking after you nevertheless.

Mentally ill people cannot do what healthy people do that is because they are sick.

Eat grace brother, keep eating grace.

I am learning Life self-care. God is making me learn real humility, because my essence is dust. BP is a struggling between low-self-esteem and high, and both are wrong ways. If I do some simple things for God, e.g. housework, I find pleasure. And I can sow the pleasure from Jesus’ humility more and more, and wait for the fruit, healing.

Blessings to you and your big family, which is a very big blessing. :hug：

2 Corinthians 12:9: The Lord's power shows best through weakness (His weak vessels--you and me).

If you committed the unforgivable sin you would not be distressing over whether or not you did. God is not the author of confusion. Don't listen to the lies in your head when you are vulnerable and at a low point: tired, angry, discouraged.

I speak of this to you because I am at a very low point myself. I know the battles and have the scars to prove it.

Sleep a lot, no joy or pleasure in the things important to me. Low energy, want to isolate. Yet for an old man I am physically fit. It's the damned depression, the chemical imbalance in the brain, nothing to be ashamed of. It is a physical ailment in many cases.

One foot in front of the other. DO NOT GIVE UP; DO NOT GIVE In!! You are stronger than you realize. We here in the west do not have the lack of certain freedoms you must cope with where you live, though persecution is beginning on subtle levels here and will only get worse with time.

Can't really be of much help to you, Yusuph, but I can identify with your feelings of hopelessness and sorrow. It will pass, but make the most of this time to draw close to the Lord. He may be doing a painful but necessary work in you. Love and prayers.

Thank you for caring. I pray that you can get more pleasure and joy. I find I can’t grasp “joy” in my way, it is much more than I can imagine. It would knock at your heart door maybe in a very despairing environment. God knows the opportunity。

Blessings to you.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling very tense this morning. i was fine when i first woke up at 3am but now i'm stressing even though i don't know what i'm stressing about. The tensions are bad again. Luckily the nausea isn't any longer present so that makes it somewhat easier to deal with and i don't feel so sick. Neither are the anxiety levels very high at the moment so that helps as well. Yesterday the tensions came at about 10.30am and lasted to well past 2.30pm. Today the tensions started around 7am and they are still going at 9.30am though not as severe as before. Lets hope they subside a little.

Depression wise i'm doing reasonably well. i cycle much faster than before and at times i plummet down for a bit but then 30-40 minutes later i cycle back out again. i have had no manic moods.

i'm considering going back on 100 mg of 5-htp at night to see if that makes a difference to the tensions. As far as i remember they came back so bad after i stopped the 5-htp 3 weeks ago. Maybe a low dosage will help me sleep a bit better again as well, for my sleep is becoming pretty poor.

Greetings to all

 

[Yusuphhai]

going to church, last time is 1 month ago.why not on Sunday? because it is not permitted by the gov.

 

[Jeshu]

I am learning Life self-care. God is making me learn real humility, because my essence is dust. BP is a struggling between low-self-esteem and high, and both are wrong ways. If I do some simple things for God, e.g. housework, I find pleasure. And I can sow the pleasure from Jesus’ humility more and more, and wait for the fruit, healing.

Blessings to you and your big family, which is a very big blessing.

Yes bipolar is a real spiritual curse isn't? In my manic times i used to have arrogant and prideful thoughts that raised themselves up against God the closer i drew to Him. At first this was really hard to fight and i used to think a lot of bad thoughts about God, however His grace and loving truth rescued me from arrogant spirit and killed it in me. i never want to have these horrible thoughts and feelings ever again.

The problem is that in our low times we are so down the dumps and think so incredibly bad about ourselves that in reality we have a really low self esteem and we think often really bad about ourselves. Then when our manic cycle comes we think more highly of ourselves than we ought. At least i know i did for many years.

Understanding that bipolar brings these two sides alive in us helps a lot to fight it with God's truth. In the end i placed myself lowest low and in God's truth found a peaceful place for myself where i can stay secure in my faith. Now low self esteem or arrogant spirit don't bother any longer and i don't have to defend myself all the time against the accuser.

All these thoughts and feelings that used to attack me in my faith for God have gone now. i fought them with the truths of God's word in the love of His Spirit. Oh brother how safe we are in His loving truth? No one and nothing can touch us.

So yes Yusuph good on you grow lots of humility it is the very heart of Jesus. Our Lord never thought highly of Himself neither did He have a low self esteem. His identity was in God The Father, for He knew that only in His loving truth are we 100 percent safe.

Peace

I See

I see the Chosen
the dust of the earth
awaiting.....
the great awakening
awaiting.....
A New Beginning
my life died to the old.

I look up in hope
relief at last
no pain will remain
after birthing is done
The hurt lies in the past
now only awaiting time
to stop bleeding.

I hear God's children rejoicing
The great throng praising,
What Joy is ours?
Life everlasting
doesn't die again
not now..
or ever!

I see Holy, Holy, Holy
Worthy of all adoration
Numbered existence gone.
Forever praising
The Lamb
for what He's done
for all of us.

Amen.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling a lot better than yesterday. Basically i caved in yesterday morning, terrible tensions , anxiety and depression flooded over me once again. It floored me completely. It was dreadful.

Half way the morning i decided that i try 100mg of 5-htp. It worked for my tensions after just 30-40 minutes, though anxiety and depression stayed all day. At night i took another 100mg. i slept 8 hours last night so that as great, i did feel slightly nauseous when i woke up but that only last 30 minutes or so. Apart of some anxiety i have been fine today, even though i didn't take more 5-htp this morning. i plan to take 100mg tonight and do that for a few days to see if i can normalise my daily reality a little bit.

On Wednesday we hope to travel to Canada so i best be back on my feet by then. i feel more hopeful things will turn out okay than i did three weeks ago. Sure glad the 5-htp worked so fast. i remember 2 years ago when i first started them the same thing happened. Now just making sure i don't take them all the time. 3 weeks on 5-htp one week off the 5-htp is the best way to use them.

Amazing how much better today is compared to yesterday. Yesterday i was stressing out big time and battling the tensions, racing thoughts and anxiety as well as rock bottom depression. Today my reality is quiet and my mood reasonable. i still struggled with some anxiety for a hour or so but it was only low key. i have been able to relax a bit today so that was great.

Blessings to everyone.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling nervous this morning. Tomorrow we are going on holidays. At least i'm doing a lot better than three weeks ago when i should have left. i've struggled a lot and despaired the day coming up when sick these past few weeks. However i found out that the nausea was so bad because i took zinc at night and because i over used 5-htp by a year or so, and as a result had a very sensitive stomach. Now i'm back on 5-htp and i marvel at what it does and so quickly. The tensions have turned to stress and my anxiety has diminished a lot.

This morning i struggle with stress for about three hours. It wasn't nice and i do have to keep a real eye on my thoughts but far better than the tensions i had just last week. They floored me big time. And then the week before that the tensions combined with severe nausea. i was a wreck then. Things are so much better now.

So i feel that i ought to be stable enough to make it and enjoy my holidays with my loved ones.

i'm taking my laptop with me so i will stay in touch.

Peace

 

[Press On]

Have a blessed and safe trip, Gerry!

 

[Jeshu]

Have a blessed and safe trip, Gerry!

Thanks Ron. Apart of nerves in the pit of my stomach i'm fine. We had a great farewell with the family last night, for the second time, and it really looks like we're on our way soon.

Another 4 hours before we leave for Perth. Where we hope to visit mum and then stay at our sisters place till 8pm and then to the airport. We depart at 11.50pm for Honk Kong. Honk Kong is an 8 hour flight. Then at 11am we depart from Honk Kong to Vancouver BC, a 12 hour flight. Our son and daughter in law will pick us up at the airport in the morning and then still a 1.30 hour drive to their place. A long way!

Looking up against the trip but trying to not make too much of a big deal of it. Flying is the most boring way to travel and so crammed. i always end up walking for hours through the aisle with my walkman playing my favourite music. Neither Yvonne nor me are able to sleep while travelling. So it is going to be a long haul before we will get some sleep again.

i'm so thankful that i had these three extra weeks to get over my health problems a bit. i have been through a very difficult time.

Praise Jesus for helping me through it.

 

[Yusuphhai]

Thanks Ron. Apart of nerves in the pit of my stomach i'm fine. We had a great farewell with the family last night, for the second time, and it really looks like we're on our way soon.

Another 4 hours before we leave for Perth. Where we hope to visit mum and then stay at our sisters place till 8pm and then to the airport. We depart at 11.50pm for Honk Kong. Honk Kong is an 8 hour flight. Then at 11am we depart from Honk Kong to Vancouver BC, a 12 hour flight. Our son and daughter in law will pick us up at the airport in the morning and then still a 1.30 hour drive to their place. A long way!

Looking up against the trip but trying to not make too much of a big deal of it. Flying is the most boring way to travel and so crammed. i always end up walking for hours through the aisle with my walkman playing my favourite music. Neither Yvonne nor me are able to sleep while travelling. So it is going to be a long haul before we will get some sleep again.

i'm so thankful that i had these three extra weeks to get over my health problems a bit. i have been through a very difficult time.

Praise Jesus for helping me through it.

have a great trip brother.

Hong Kong in Catoonese is 香hoeng1 港gong2, in Mandarin is 香xiang1港gang3. Welcome to H.K. China(Mandarin:中zhong1 國guo2).

 

[Jeshu]

Hi everyone typing from Canada at 10 pm. We are awake after 2 hours sleeping even though we haven't slept for more than 48 hours and both had a sleeping tablet. We live in a motor home next to the house but the street is very busy and noisy and we went to bed at 8pm already.

The trip was a real drag. i didn't suffer from anxiety but i did get nausea very bad just before Honk Kong and struggled to get rid of that. At one stage we had a child screaming for 5 hours straight with the parents simply ignoring him. That wasn't very pleasant either. We arrived 50 minutes ahead of schedule so that was good.

Lets hope we get back to sleep soon. i was awoken from a cat going to town next door for 20 minutes straight.

The internet keeps going down because we are too far away from the router. A few things to work out yet.

Haven't taken any photos yet but i'm sure we get some soon. The grand kids were great and Karsten didn't know we were going so he was super happy to see us after the disappointment of three weeks ago.

Greetings to all

 

[Jeshu]

i've been struggling the last few days. i've got pretty bad jet lag and am days worth of sleep behind. Lets hope i will get some quality sleep soon again for it is getting me down.

blessings to all

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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