Wife Ignored 25th Wedding Anniversary

[J2019]

.

 

[Endeavourer]

She says she 'loves' me but I don't sense she is 'in-love' with me.

Has she ever said she loves you but she's not in love with you?

 

[Dave-W]

She sounds tired. Very tired.

 

[Endeavourer]

. But we have been going through some relationship issues for ~2 years. She thinks things will be ok but nothing changes. She says she 'loves' me but I don't sense she is 'in-love' with me.

What are the gist of the relationship issues?

 

[Dave L]

25 years of marriage yesterday. Life has been good for much of this. We've shared our faith journey, kids are in college, we are reasonably healthy, blah, blah, blah. But we have been going through some relationship issues for ~2 years. She thinks things will be ok but nothing changes. She says she 'loves' me but I don't sense she is 'in-love' with me.

I am self-employed and work has been slow for 2 years. I am also having some relationship challenges with elderly parents and siblings. My wife has shown very little encouragement or affirmation to me during this challenging time. We've talked about it, but nothing seems to change.

I had a card and flowers for her when she arrived home from work at 8am (she's a nurse and finished a night shift). She didn't mention it or say thanks, and didn't have a card for me. When I asked her about it, she didn't think we were doing that anymore but later said she dropped the ball.

I feel she no longer values, admires or affirms me - she disagrees. Seems unfair after 25 years of commitment, caring and providing. We've talked about this for so long - too long.

I don't feel like trying anymore. Meanwhile, my career and extended family matters are also really weighing on me. I feel as if I no longer trust her with my feelings. If she can not be there for me when things are tough, then it seems she is not really committed to "for better or for worse". And I don't think our "worse" has included any of the really difficult stuff other relationships seem to face. I feel hurt and losing interest in trying any longer.​

Married nearly 50 years now, we've had our ups and downs too. We have several things we think helped make it work. One is we believe marriage is for life and divorce and remarriage for any reason is adultery. Things look lots better when your options dwindle. In view of this you must make marriage work as though your life depends on it. We don't hang out with divorced people or attend churches where divorce and remarriage is allowed. We do lots together from bicycling, working out, lawn, house work, and use each others strengths where needed most. Retirement is the best time of our lives and we enjoy every minute usually together.

 

[J2019]

.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Married nearly 50 years now, we've had our ups and downs too. We have several things we think helped make it work. One is we believe marriage is for life and divorce and remarriage for any reason is adultery. Things look lots better when your options dwindle. In view of this you must make marriage work as though your life depends on it. We don't hang out with divorced people or attend churches where divorce and remarriage is allowed. We do lots together from bicycling, working out, lawn, house work, and use each others strengths where needed most. Retirement is the best time of our lives and we enjoy every minute usually together.

Good for you, Dave! That's fantastic. God bless you guys.

 

[anna ~ grace]

She say she is still in-love with me but I don't sense it. We have discussed this several times.

Would a vacation together help? Time off work for her? I agree that sheer physical exhaustion can make one apathetic, and grumpy.

 

[Endeavourer]

She say she is still in-love with me but I don't sense it. We have discussed this several times.

Ignoring your 25th is a huge signal of apathy. Does she have any close male friends? Coworkers?

 

[GodsGrace101]

She say she is still in-love with me but I don't sense it. We have discussed this several times.

Maybe you should stop discussing it?
Believe what she says.
What's 2 years in 25?
Nothing.
You might be imagining all this and she's getting tired of dealing with it.
Leave well enough alone.

 

[J2019]

.

 

[J2019]

.

 

[carp614]

I feel your pain brother. Getting ready for 23 years and the last 10 years have been...difficult.

In an effort to repair my broken marriage I have prayed and fasted and studied these scriptures (and others).
Matthew 18:22 and the surrounding scripture (how many times must I forgive?)
Ephesians 5:25 and the surrounding scripture.
"Husbands, Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. " (NIV) This scripture is inescapable.
I am quite sure even as things are now, you would gladly take a bullet for your wife. But that is only one kind of sacrifice, one you are not likely to ever actually have to do. More is required.

To repair our broken relationship I have to die to myself in every moment i spend with her. I have to forget my wants, my needs, my expectations, no matter how hard that may be and no matter how much it hurts to do so. I'm trying to put myself into the mindset of a bond servant, making service to my wife (in the name of the Lord, not in my name) more important than any of my self focused needs or desires. Even though there is a possibility that she might take advantage of me. it's worth the risk for her to see God's love for her through me. In the process she is beginning to accept God's anointing of me as the spiritual head of our household and our marriage. The more Christ like my I can be, the better things have gotten.

It is working. Our relationship is deepening spiritually like never before. She trusts me more and more as each day passes. She is meeting spiritual needs I didn't know I had and didn't know she could fulfill. We are slowly becoming partners, team mates, and friends again. It isn't the way it was before, it's actually better, because the Lord is closer than ever to the center of our marriage.

May God use this to speak into your heart. Don't give up. You've got this because God's got you...

 

[J2019]

.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Good suggestion. When we go away for a week, things get much better. But, the old patters return when we get home. I want a relationship in the real word, not just on vacations. She is not working overtime hours and not caring for young children. I do many of the household chores and meals given my work is currently slow. I just feel like she is taking the whole relationship for granted.

Would a career shift for her, and daytime hours, help?

 

[Endeavourer]

J, two things stood out to me on your post.

a) the strong apathy, and
b) the infamous ILYBINILWY sentiment

Both of these things are pointing strongly to an affair, as well as a few other 'tells' that were in your narrative. If she is having an affair you will not solve any of your problems until you uncover this situation. You have had much of the same for the last two years, which is likely when the affair started.

Comfortable and indifferent is not the same as this gross display of apathy. Would she have behaved this way 5 years ago:

"She didn't mention it or say thanks, and didn't have a card for me."​

Did her connection with another man change two years ago? Does she have close male friends at all?

Don't ask her if she is having an affair; just heighten your awareness of things and watch closer.

The only other likely explanation for such apathy would be if you have been a very abusive husband and she can hardly stand you anymore. That doesn't seem to be the case.

 

[J2019]

.

 

[anna ~ grace]

She works 2 day shifts, 2 night shifts and 5 days off. Fairly standard for hospital nurses.

Maybe she hates her job? Ever thought of letting her get a receptionist job some where? Only reason I keep harping on this, is I can kind of see myself in her a little.

My immune system is shot. I work late. I'm tired. Anymore I'm like "Iloveyoutoonowwheresmyflippincoffeemrrrr..." and on my off days, my personality comes back a bit. Otherwise, I'm beat and cranky as heck. Not a great wife. My husband doesn't work, but does house work, like you do. Which is great. But the crankiness and fatigue are still there.

Just saying. Maybe pop the idea to her? See how she responds?

"Honey, would you like another job?" See what she says or does.

 

[J2019]

.

 

[Endeavourer]

Endeavourer: She says she is still in-love with me. I just don't see it. We seem to have very different ideas about what that should look like. I really don't think there is an affair but maybe I'm wrong.

I'd bet my last $100 on her being in an affair, moreso than any of the other suggestions here so far. What clinches this for me is that, on top of the other signals in your description, she didn't want to even acknowledge your gestures for your 25th. This indicates your marriage is distasteful to her. Based on the other things you wrote, I think it's likely due to a new point of comparison.

Are you willing to investigate a bit? Does she guard her phone, and take it with her everywhere? Are her devices password protected from you? Is there a male that she used to talk about somewhat but now she doesn't? Unless you can eliminate this option all of your other efforts could be for nothing.