The church and the path to marriage

[Paidiske]

Note: this is in the ministry forum.

Something I've seen come up time and again, often on discussion forums but also elsewhere, is the idea that somehow, churches ought to help single people find potential spouses. And my initial reaction, I have to be honest, is: that's not what church is for.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I have seen that some churches revolve around couples and family in a way that's really unhelpful to people who are single, and that single people can feel isolated, overlooked and so on in the life of the church. I'm going to be blunt and say I think that's just wrong. A culture which doesn't value everyone, include everyone, create opportunities for everyone to be involved - married or single - doesn't have its priorities straight.

But this idea that it's part of the mission of the church, or the job of the pastor/minister/priest, to organise singles groups or events, or to help single people find potential spouses... to me that's missing the point. The church doesn't exist to help someone find a partner, it exists to worship God and further the mission of God in the world. And I'd have a hard time justifying matchmaking as part of the mission of the church.

Now, I'm willing to concede that as someone who's happily married and who hasn't experienced long-term singleness, I could be being harsh here. And also, as someone in a small church where I'm struggling even to look after the most essential things, the idea of adding nice-to-have-but-not-essential stuff to my workload is completely unappealing, so that could be part of my reaction too.

But am I being unfair? Should part of our care of single people include doing all we can to help them pair up? Or is that an unreasonable expectation that some people have of the church?

 

[rockytopva]

Our old minister used to keep the ministry full of revivals and things to do, and it was the best place to take women on dates.

 

[FireDragon76]

P, I hear what you are saying but I think part of the issue is that churches often put heavy expectations on people that actually makes it hard for people to have the freedom to go out and actually find a spouse or partner in the real world. Many Christians are literally scared and cowered and lack confidence in God's grace.

It's like one young man was asking for advice whether it was OK to go to a nightclub, most people gave a very moralistic, Law-heavy answer in response. That's typical of what churches do in the name of offering a "Christian" approach to living life, and of course its stiffling and does not lead to true trust in God and thankfulness, but only resentment, even if repressed.

 

[Paidiske]

Are you saying that if the way churches expect people to live precludes - ah - normal dating strategies, then it's our responsibility to provide a "Christian" alternative?

 

[FireDragon76]

Are you saying that if the way churches expect people to live precludes - ah - normal dating strategies, then it's our responsibility to provide a "Christian" alternative?

No. I'm saying the Church's expectations are often inhuman and hurt people, so some compassion for the plight of single Christians is a dignified response to that.

What is frankly needed is a more humble Church that doesn't try to control everyone and that allows people the freedom to be bold sinners, to experience God's grace in the actual world, and not the idealized world that "Churchianity" would have us live in.

Like I said a few days ago, read Dave's blog, there's lots of good stuff in it.


Under the Sun

Also, Ms. Rachel Held Evan's had alot of good critiques of Christian culture, particularly the obsession with sexual purity and how damaging that is. And that's really the inculcated fear that can hurt peoples ability to have any kind of emotional intimacy. Sexual sin is the big sin that many Christians worry about, which is very strange indeed because Jesus spends relatively little time talking about the subject. Many evangelicals have simply made an idol out of sexual purity, to the point of hypocrisy.

 

[Tree of Life]

But am I being unfair? Should part of our care of single people include doing all we can to help them pair up? Or is that an unreasonable expectation that some people have of the church?

No it is not the church's responsibility to help single people find spouses. But it is part of a pastor's responsibility to care for single people, to teach them, shepherd them, and counsel them. Many single people seriously struggle with their singleness so we ought to teach to that felt need and counsel them through their struggles. This doesn't mean that we play match maker and solve their problems. But it does mean that we use the (sometimes) pain of singleness to help minister the gospel to deep heart issues.

The church also should be a family of believers that helps single people, widows, and other isolated people to feel as if they belong to something larger than themselves. Single people need the church to be the church, not to be a match making ministry. There are plenty of other organizations that do that kind of thing much better.

 

[bekkilyn]

Note: this is in the ministry forum.

Something I've seen come up time and again, often on discussion forums but also elsewhere, is the idea that somehow, churches ought to help single people find potential spouses. And my initial reaction, I have to be honest, is: that's not what church is for.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I have seen that some churches revolve around couples and family in a way that's really unhelpful to people who are single, and that single people can feel isolated, overlooked and so on in the life of the church. I'm going to be blunt and say I think that's just wrong. A culture which doesn't value everyone, include everyone, create opportunities for everyone to be involved - married or single - doesn't have its priorities straight.

But this idea that it's part of the mission of the church, or the job of the pastor/minister/priest, to organise singles groups or events, or to help single people find potential spouses... to me that's missing the point. The church doesn't exist to help someone find a partner, it exists to worship God and further the mission of God in the world. And I'd have a hard time justifying matchmaking as part of the mission of the church.

Now, I'm willing to concede that as someone who's happily married and who hasn't experienced long-term singleness, I could be being harsh here. And also, as someone in a small church where I'm struggling even to look after the most essential things, the idea of adding nice-to-have-but-not-essential stuff to my workload is completely unappealing, so that could be part of my reaction too.

But am I being unfair? Should part of our care of single people include doing all we can to help them pair up? Or is that an unreasonable expectation that some people have of the church?

I think part of the issue here is the assumption of many people that single people only exist for the sole purpose of eventually becoming a couple.

 

[archer75]

I'm not in ministry but I will venture a reply (I don't see a rule saying I shouldn't reply) and follow up on what @FireDragon76 said. At least in a US context, there are a good many churches that, regardless of moralism (which is plenty often present), expect the congregation to be one's main social outlet. I remember at my childhood Baptist-like congregation, there were regular "singles" events, either just with our "singles" or maybe with one other local congregation. I was pretty young, but even then, I had a sense that it was a little odd to keep having events for people who wanted to date to meet...the same handful of other people (these were small congregations - we had maybe 6-8 "singles").

I'm not sure what went on at these events. Maybe they were more for emotional support for people who wanted a partner but were having difficulty finding one.

Anyway, I think I do see what you mean. Of course, church is not a speed-dating service.

At the same time, I do wonder about all the kid-friendly and family-friendly stuff you find in a lot of congregations -- certainly, coloring books and puppets and a box of toys are not church business of the first order, but they are commonly used to entertain young children during services. And in the liturgical churches (ours, for example), people might get a betrothal ceremony, a wedding ceremony, a baptism of a child and / or a churching of a mother and child, and then another child...another couple...it adds up. I'm not in this boat myself, but I can easily imagine it becoming a bit of a burden to a single person who is aging (23...28...32...35...) in their congregation and witnessing all this going on. You said as much in your post, I'm not sure why I repeated it in my own words. I think the pain of being involuntarily single (which, honestly, I haven't felt in a long time, either) can be very great and makes some people desperate for help with it. I bet there may be reasons to consider it a spiritual crisis. In a way...it's good that they look to their church? Which is not to say that you as a priest are obligated to pair them off, but...well, I know that some seminaries have seminars or classes on addictions, because people in ministry have to minister to people who have addictions. Maybe there is a form of ministry appropriate to people who suffer in this way? Maybe the calls for pairing-off services are a somewhat mis-stated plea for a kind of pastoral care that they can't even name?

 

[Paidiske]

I think the pain of being involuntarily single (which, honestly, I haven't felt in a long time, either) can be very great and makes some people desperate for help with it. I bet there may be reasons to consider it a spiritual crisis. In a way...it's good that they look to their church? Which is not to say that you as a priest are obligated to pair them off, but...well, I know that some seminaries have seminars or classes on addictions, because people in ministry have to minister to people who have addictions. Maybe there is a form of ministry appropriate to people who suffer in this way? Maybe the calls for pairing-off services are a somewhat mis-stated plea for a kind of pastoral care that they can't even name?

This is an interesting point.

In my experience, most of the pastoral conversations I have around singleness are along the lines of, "But what is my life's purpose, if I'm not going to marry and have children? What will I do that will be as satisfying and meaningful as family is to those who have family?" That's a real and significant issue deserving of a caring response.

 

[FireDragon76]

This is an interesting point.

In my experience, most of the pastoral conversations I have around singleness are along the lines of, "But what is my life's purpose, if I'm not going to marry and have children? What will I do that will be as satisfying and meaningful as family is to those who have family?" That's a real and significant issue deserving of a caring response.

Some churches basically box people into the single life when they don't have to- the Church sets that expectation and people just absorb it like a sponge. We are social creatures and we often even need the physical intimacy that comes with those sorts of relationships- that's not wrong or evil, it's just part of our biology. So some people basically shut the door on that expectation prematurely, in the false belief that to be single is a holier estate, that one can "devote more time to God", etc. It's often just a way to settle into a kind of emotional and spiritual immaturity.

It's funny my Chinese acupuncturist, likely not a Christian herself, had better advice on the subject than the average priest would. She said I should go out and find somebody who is also disabled to hook up with. I shrugged it off at the time, but that's exactly what ended up happening for me.

 

[mama2one]

following

 

[archer75]

In my experience, most of the pastoral conversations I have around singleness are along the lines of, "But what is my life's purpose, if I'm not going to marry and have children? What will I do that will be as satisfying and meaningful as family is to those who have family?" That's a real and significant issue deserving of a caring response.

So, you already do this kind of thing. And it strikes me when I look back at your OP that you didn't say that people in your parish were demanding this of you, but that you heard about it online and elsewhere. And I wonder: maybe there are people in ministry who don't give a caring response to this kind of question, or aren't even open to hearing the question. And then the singles are left wondering what to do with themselves, and how to conform themselves to what they see as the proper way to be someone in the church (marry, etc.).

Addendum: When I was inquiring into TEC (where I had only good experiences, btw), I went to the...service for Holy Unction (I think). It was said to be for oneself or others. When the priest came to me and asked what I wanted to pray for, I told him, and I heard a little click in his throat, saw about 1/10th of a flicker of surprise, and "heard" his brain working for just a second. I suppose what I said was unusual enough that he needed to think visibly. And he did a fine job with it. But what about someone in the same pastoral position who isn't willing to handle anything they don't already know how to handle? It's all too easy to brush people off when you are in authority...especially if they seem to have an "intractable" problem ("Still no dates? Hey, Jesus loves you anyway! Gotta run!")

Addendum 2: at a non-TEC, non-liturgical church I went to several times as a kid / teenager when visiting with family, I actually heard a sermon in which the pastor called on the young people to hurry up and get married so they can start having babies "for Jesus." I never heard it specified how many babies Jesus had requested, but maybe they put that in the bulletin. Anyway, I think there are a fair number of churches - especially independent ones - in the US that are closer to this model than to what you describe above.

 

[bekkilyn]

Also, keep in mind that if the idea for a singles group in your congregation turns out to be a good idea somehow, there is nothing mandating that YOU as the pastor need to be the person to start and/or lead that particular ministry. It is a ministry that a lay person could very easily do.

 

[archer75]

Also, keep in mind that if the idea for a singles group in your congregation turns out to be a good idea somehow, there is nothing mandating that YOU as the pastor need to be the person to start and/or lead that particular ministry. It is a ministry that a lay person could very easily do.

And it's possible for there to be single activities that give single people a break and a chance to socialize away from all the married couples with kids, quite apart from finding them partners. Let's be honest -- people married with young children find themselves making small talk rather different from that made by people who are single and have no children...

 

[Paidiske]

But what about someone in the same pastoral position who isn't willing to handle anything they don't already know how to handle? It's all too easy to brush people off when you are in authority...especially if they seem to have an "intractable" problem ("Still no dates? Hey, Jesus loves you anyway! Gotta run!")

True... I wonder if that is what's happening. That's pretty poor ministry, if so.

Addendum 2: at a non-TEC, non-liturgical church I went to several times as a kid / teenager when visiting with family, I actually heard a sermon in which the pastor called on the young people to hurry up and get married so they can start having babies "for Jesus." I never heard it specified how many babies Jesus had requested, but maybe they put that in the bulletin.

I have heard some bad sermons in my time, but thank goodness I haven't heard that one.

Also, keep in mind that if the idea for a singles group in your congregation turns out to be a good idea somehow, there is nothing mandating that YOU as the pastor need to be the person to start and/or lead that particular ministry. It is a ministry that a lay person could very easily do.

True. I'm more trying to get my head around why people might want or expect it, and how I might respond to that.

 

[topher694]

Note: this is in the ministry forum.

Something I've seen come up time and again, often on discussion forums but also elsewhere, is the idea that somehow, churches ought to help single people find potential spouses. And my initial reaction, I have to be honest, is: that's not what church is for.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I have seen that some churches revolve around couples and family in a way that's really unhelpful to people who are single, and that single people can feel isolated, overlooked and so on in the life of the church. I'm going to be blunt and say I think that's just wrong. A culture which doesn't value everyone, include everyone, create opportunities for everyone to be involved - married or single - doesn't have its priorities straight.

But this idea that it's part of the mission of the church, or the job of the pastor/minister/priest, to organise singles groups or events, or to help single people find potential spouses... to me that's missing the point. The church doesn't exist to help someone find a partner, it exists to worship God and further the mission of God in the world. And I'd have a hard time justifying matchmaking as part of the mission of the church.

Now, I'm willing to concede that as someone who's happily married and who hasn't experienced long-term singleness, I could be being harsh here. And also, as someone in a small church where I'm struggling even to look after the most essential things, the idea of adding nice-to-have-but-not-essential stuff to my workload is completely unappealing, so that could be part of my reaction too.

But am I being unfair? Should part of our care of single people include doing all we can to help them pair up? Or is that an unreasonable expectation that some people have of the church?

I'm in agreement with you. Although, I have only run into this directly very occasionally myself.

I am in a similar position in ministry and marriage. Married 20 years, with a smallish congregation. IMO, pastors are there to care for people, not do it for them or provide it for them. Church is designed to build up, fill up and raise up the saints so they can go into the world and deal with these things as mature Christians, not demand the church provide it for them. Granted, fellowship is an important part of what a church does, but it is only a part and it must be in the proper context.

Our approach is to truly focus on presence, not programs. That doesn't mean we don't do programs, but they are secondary and usually connected to the presence. For example, we do an evening of extended worship from time to time... and then follow that with fellowship. People come for the presence, stay for the food and company, afterwards. Stuff like that. In fact, if a single person can come and worship God one of those nights for an hour or more, but their potential future spouse has an issue doing the same, that could be a major problem for them... Being presence driven can be helpful in all sorts of ways!

People very commonly comment on the tangible presence of God in our services and special events... all glory to Him. If someone can experience that but then leave or grow upset because we don't have the right programs for them, what does that say about the value they place on God vs their peer group, or spouse search, or whatever the program involves?

Of course if someone comes looking for advice or guidance on marriage or dating we care for them pastorally and help them to the best of our ability, but that is a very different thing than demanding the church provide a social outlet for them to find a spouse.

 

[carp614]

The church doesn't exist to help someone find a partner, it exists to worship God and further the mission of God in the world.

I basically agree with your premise that churches probably don't need to become dating services. I think I disagree with the premise that helping singles Christians connect doesn't further the mission of God in the world (you may not exactly be saying this, I'm only inferring it). I think statistics regarding church going parents and outcomes for their kids at least suggest there may be something in this for the cause of Christ.

That is not to say we should be setting up "The Dating Game" for a singles ministry or anything, but I do at least like the idea of ministries that bring singles together specifically for ministry purposes. My theory is that people don't connect with each other when that is the only point of getting together. This is why Wednesday night supper was so awkward and weird to me growing up. People comfortably connect when they gather around another external purpose.

 

[Paidiske]

That's a fair point about parenting. I hadn't thought about that. I'm not sure I think it ought to be our priority as a mission strategy, but I can see how it could be seen as a contributing effort.

There's nothing wrong with bringing groups of people together for ministry purposes, in fact that's a very good thing, but singles specifically? I'd have to think about that...

 

[Pavel Mosko]

But am I being unfair? Should part of our care of single people include doing all we can to help them pair up? Or is that an unreasonable expectation that some people have of the church?

I think your right. For the most part, the church already has a lot on its plate.


It certainly is a good ministry for any folks that feel drawn to doing this sort of thing. But I still got mental scars from my past from bad preaching, bad experiences with church run parochial schools etc.. I can think of all manner of ways this sort of thing could go wrong if people approach it like they have those other things. (They run the ministry out of duty and not because they believe it is their vocation)


I do think gifts like hospitality, encouragement, mercy etc. are gifts that can be exercised more in the Church and this something that is especially needed in a lonely postmodern, post-Christian society. As Robert Webber said in "Ancient Future Faith":


The church is therefore to be regarded as a kind of continuation of the presence of Jesus in the world. Jesus is not only seated at the right hand of the Father, but is visibly and tangibly present in and to the world through the church. This is an incarnational understanding of the church. It is a unique community of people in the world, a community like no other community because it is the presence of the divine in and to the world. This concept of the church has specific relevance to the world of postmodernism.
. . . What this means for the church is that Christians must recover the primacy of being a Christian community. . . .
. . . the church is the primary presence of God’s activity in the world. As we pay attention to what it means to be the church we create an alternative community to the society of the world. This new community, the embodied experience of God’s kingdom, will draw people into itself and nurture them in the faith. In this sense the church and its life in the world will become the new apologetic. People come to the faith not because they see the logic of the argument but because they have experienced a welcoming God in a hospitable and loving community. QUOTE
– Ancient-Future Faith, pp. 70-72"

 

[Paidiske]

Definitely true about hospitality, encouragement and mercy.