This is taking a lot of guts to write, so please be merciful to me. I know it will shock lots of Christians. I know I am a rarity being female, but I am seriously struggling with lust and masturbation. No matter how wrong I know it is, I can't seem to stop. There is some background info with it so maybe it will help.
I've been in a "long distance" relationship/friendship with a guy in another state for six months. We have never met and I am not sure if we are as the guy is severely depressed and doesn't seem very interested in doing so. He said he "was" going to visit before the year ended but the company he works for said no one can ask for time off until next year. I am starting to think maybe that was a good thing. Before anyone asks, I know he is a real person because I have sent him things in the mail that he has shown me on video and I have done background searches to confirm he is who he says he is.
The problem is, I am inflamed with lust. I'm a virgin but have struggled throughout my teen years with masturbation. I was clean for about 8 years until earlier this year when I had an x-rated dream that enticed me. I had a very skewed view of sexuality all of my life and told myself I should be celibate to avoid pitfalls. The dream I had made me view sex as something wonderful, and the feelings that came from it were so strong I eventually gave in and started falling back into my masturbation addiction. And I ended up giving in on a regular basis.
My triggers are when I first wake up (especially if I've had a sexual dream, which usually occurs in extended REM cycles) and when I am feeling lonely. Being in this long distance relationship with this guy certainly hasn't helped. I find myself longing to experience intimacy with him, in the context of marriage. But I feel afraid that I am already so attached to him, because he is depressed and I haven't met him so I don't know if these feelings will ever have an outlet. I'm stuck with feelings that have nowhere to go. I don't know if God wants me to stop talking to him, or if I should tell this guy I am really struggling. I can't go on like this. I have started having dreams about him and I wake up fascinating over it, which of course leads to masturbation. I cry afterwards because I know I have broken God's heart and sinned against Him. It makes me worry that I don't love God enough to let this sin go. I've been trying to pray more and spend time with Him, and it has helped a little.
I'm also frustrated because it just doesn't feel fair to me that I have to look at these feelings for this guy as sinful when other women my age and younger get to experience sex on a daily basis with their husbands while I'm struggling to forget a dream about someone I long to share that with. It's not fair. I feel angry. My sin has perverted it, and I wish like heck I would have never had that dream. It opened up Pandora's box. Now I'm a filthy lustful harlot.
I've been in a "long distance" relationship/friendship with a guy in another state for six months. We have never met and I am not sure if we are as the guy is severely depressed and doesn't seem very interested in doing so. He said he "was" going to visit before the year ended but the company he works for said no one can ask for time off until next year. I am starting to think maybe that was a good thing. Before anyone asks, I know he is a real person because I have sent him things in the mail that he has shown me on video and I have done background searches to confirm he is who he says he is.
The problem is, I am inflamed with lust. I'm a virgin but have struggled throughout my teen years with masturbation. I was clean for about 8 years until earlier this year when I had an x-rated dream that enticed me. I had a very skewed view of sexuality all of my life and told myself I should be celibate to avoid pitfalls. The dream I had made me view sex as something wonderful, and the feelings that came from it were so strong I eventually gave in and started falling back into my masturbation addiction. And I ended up giving in on a regular basis.
My triggers are when I first wake up (especially if I've had a sexual dream, which usually occurs in extended REM cycles) and when I am feeling lonely. Being in this long distance relationship with this guy certainly hasn't helped. I find myself longing to experience intimacy with him, in the context of marriage. But I feel afraid that I am already so attached to him, because he is depressed and I haven't met him so I don't know if these feelings will ever have an outlet. I'm stuck with feelings that have nowhere to go. I don't know if God wants me to stop talking to him, or if I should tell this guy I am really struggling. I can't go on like this. I have started having dreams about him and I wake up fascinating over it, which of course leads to masturbation. I cry afterwards because I know I have broken God's heart and sinned against Him. It makes me worry that I don't love God enough to let this sin go. I've been trying to pray more and spend time with Him, and it has helped a little.
I'm also frustrated because it just doesn't feel fair to me that I have to look at these feelings for this guy as sinful when other women my age and younger get to experience sex on a daily basis with their husbands while I'm struggling to forget a dream about someone I long to share that with. It's not fair. I feel angry. My sin has perverted it, and I wish like heck I would have never had that dream. It opened up Pandora's box. Now I'm a filthy lustful harlot.