Husband just said he wants DIVORCE
- Thread starter Itsahappyday
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- Aug 25, 2018
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The rod of discipline is for children, not wives, and not intended for abuse.
I pray that you will find relief and that you will see God work mightily in your situation!
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I think it would be a good idea to secretly document his threats. If you can get him to respond to emails like where you say that you didn't want to be the kind of wife that he thinks needs "the rod of correction", and then he responds with more of the same, that would be great in a court situation. Ask him, also, why he feels you are stupid, and what he thinks might help.
If in the future you can get any others to corroborate his abuse, that would be very helpful too.
I'm pretty sure that you can secretly tape record any ol' thing you want in your own home, so you could mention to him some of the threatening and demeaning things he has said to you and ask if he still feels the same way. Also, you may wan to ask him why he threw that roll of toilet paper at you.
Do this in a non threatening, maybe even timid, way so he doesn't suspect a thing. Document. Document. Document. I pray you will do so verrry discretely and with protection if so.
There is a lot of info on the net about how to escape domestic abuse and how to hold the abuser accountable in court. Again, domestic abusers rarely ever change, but very commonly escalate in their abuse.
I pray you will be guided by the Holy Spirit and protected by angels.
If in the future you can get any others to corroborate his abuse, that would be very helpful too.
I'm pretty sure that you can secretly tape record any ol' thing you want in your own home, so you could mention to him some of the threatening and demeaning things he has said to you and ask if he still feels the same way. Also, you may wan to ask him why he threw that roll of toilet paper at you.
Do this in a non threatening, maybe even timid, way so he doesn't suspect a thing. Document. Document. Document. I pray you will do so verrry discretely and with protection if so.
There is a lot of info on the net about how to escape domestic abuse and how to hold the abuser accountable in court. Again, domestic abusers rarely ever change, but very commonly escalate in their abuse.
I pray you will be guided by the Holy Spirit and protected by angels.
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Mydreams
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Lord we bring Itsahappyday, and her husbands problem to you, please solve and bless this couple. Let you work in Itsahappyday's husbands mind and heart , and let him love his wife dearly and let not he open a way for satan to come and destroy their peace and joy in marriage. Lord heal their marriage, bring down the power of darkness and let you be glorified in this marriage and couples life. In Jesus glorious name, Amen!
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I did have recordings but he found out and I deleted many of them. I did record Saturday's tirade about me being stupid.
I don't talk to anyone about this. When I talk to someone he makes it sound as if he can hear or know my feelings or what was said.
Even when I went to eat with my best friend after I think a year since we had gotten together, when I arrived home he said something along the lines of "what did you say to her that you felt bad or regretted saying", I couldn't think of anything and he said when I was out with her, he felt there was a moment where I said something I regretted. Then I remembered that I mentioned to her things about another friend and was not sure I should have shared them with her.
Recently I took someone to the hospital so they took me to lunch, when I got back he asked a similar question, questioning if I said something I regretted.
I said no but I told him the person I was with had made a comment that our first year of marriage must not have been easy, seeing how neat he is, etc... and then my husband got upset saying this person was fishing.
I told him that I said to the other person that I was not organized nor neat before marriage, and I'd rather be neat and organized like him than the way I was before. Besides it was just one comment out of a few hours of innocent chatter.
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Gregory95
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my sister start reading the Bible if you don't already STUDY it for these reasons
If you are truly a follower of Christ you will be able to discern if he is real or not you need to know the Bible for this if he is not true (he threw somthing at you and is acting very un Christian ) then have confidence in the Lord he was a non believers and just let him go he is not part of Gods plan for you
The other reason is you cannot follow the Word of God made flesh known as the Christ if you don't read what He said
If you are truly a follower of Christ you will be able to discern if he is real or not you need to know the Bible for this if he is not true (he threw somthing at you and is acting very un Christian ) then have confidence in the Lord he was a non believers and just let him go he is not part of Gods plan for you
The other reason is you cannot follow the Word of God made flesh known as the Christ if you don't read what He said
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Petros2015
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You aren't stupid; he's a control freak and doesn't like it when when things aren't done exactly his way to his liking. Some of the things you are describing sound abusive. You aren't a mind reader, and he needs to learn patience, gratitude and love.
Yep, will do.
As far as proving to your husband that you aren't stupid one way to do that might be to hire a lawyer for yourself
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Oh, good for you that you have taken some steps to be proactive, as in recording conversations.
One of the techniques that it seems your husband is using is the very common one of "gaslighting." You might want to check out how that works with abusers.
There are support groups online for people who are suffering as you are. I know some of those videos I referenced talk about some of them, for example. Of course he doesn't have to know you went there what with passwords and deleting history. One of the things those support groups, and the vids, say over and over is that the abuser is not going to change. He may make you think, in his Dr. Jeckyl mode, that he is going to change, but that is just to keep you on the yoyo. The psychotherapists and other health care professionals that I mentioned say such people have zero interest in changing. Many like their abusive games. It can be how they get their kicks.
If you want to document written communications or even, as some suggest, keep a log of abuses past and present, Drop Box is free and can be private. One thing, though, every time you log in they send you an email to let you know "someone" has been to your account there, so you have to remember to delete that real fast. With Drop Box, in regard to emails, you have to be sure that you are saving the entire email, all the meta data like when it was sent, by whom, to whom etc.
Here is another vid below that I, personally, thought was enlightening. It's about why, if you think your abuser is a narcissist (ditto sociopath or psychopath) that you should not try to let him know that you are catching on, maybe in the hope that he can begin to see the "light". They don't seem to be able to see the "light". It's like they have emotional blindness in many ways and only the Lord can fix it. Sadly, I have seen no one saying that the Lord did fix it. I know He could, just saying the professionals' observations and statistics, again, show such abusers virtually never change.
Now here is a sad thought. The Savior said that there are demon seed out there, people planted by the devil. I have no clue if your husband is such a one. But, I do know that such people can never be saved, or even really humanized, and that He said they wind up in the fiery pit at the end.
You can help you, though. And I know the Savior will guide you and protect you as you turn to Him.
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P.S. Again, I don't know about your husband, but I do want to give one disclaimer to the vid above, and others that say narcissism is due to trauma in childhood. Trauma is way not uncommon in childhood. But not all people who experienced it turn out to be abusers, even if it was at horrible levels! Actually there are studies showing it is genetic, and that it involves underdevelopment of cortex in the brain that deals with empathy. Another reason for such little hope for them. How could any drugs or therapy give new brain cortex?
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I do read and know the Word of God, and that is why even if he is an unbeliever I cannot go.
The Word of God says 1 Corinthians 7:12-13
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.
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Thank you for what you wrote. Emotional blindness seems to be his case It's always about him or my fault because in his eyes I was the one who wasted his time arguing. Nothing to do with him getting angry or putting me down.
When I try not to respond to the very hurtful comments and then fail at one point, it's the worst thing I can-do.
Because the he will repeat later what I said and totally forget that perhaps I was defending myself or maybe I said what I did after he insulted me too many times.
If I can keep my mouth shut, he'd have nothing then to sling back to me.
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He did apologize and said he was being too hard with me. I was told something along the lines of if I keep it up, we'll be heading for divorce. He is trying to be nice. Gave me a compliment. But I know it's only until the next thing I do that makes him upset.
He led me to believe all through Saturday and Sunday that on Monday we were getting a divorce.
At one point Saturday he told me to leave. I almost did, I even took out my luggage but then I didn't for 3 reasons
1-if we divorce, it will be by his hand so that I am not in sin
2- if I leave he will tell everyone I was an unbeliever because I caused the divorce by leaving
3-if I leave the house, in a divorce they might say I abandoned him or the house, therefore I would get nothing in a settlement (don't know if this is true but in case it is)
While I don't claim to be perfect nor blameless, I do try not to respond when he says things that hurt or are insulting, I try so hard but inevitably he says something that cuts my heart deeper than all the other things and then I defend myself and lose my temper at times.
In an argument last month he said he was smarter than me, better than me and more spiritual than me. He really believes it yet when I brought it up, he said I took him out of context.
I will try to live 1 Peter 2, be like Jesus and trust the Lord will defend me, reveal this if necessary or do something to stop this insanity.
I am trying to document because he twists the order of what was said or how things were said or denies what was said to make me look bad and him the victim of me but I am not always consistent.
He led me to believe all through Saturday and Sunday that on Monday we were getting a divorce.
At one point Saturday he told me to leave. I almost did, I even took out my luggage but then I didn't for 3 reasons
1-if we divorce, it will be by his hand so that I am not in sin
2- if I leave he will tell everyone I was an unbeliever because I caused the divorce by leaving
3-if I leave the house, in a divorce they might say I abandoned him or the house, therefore I would get nothing in a settlement (don't know if this is true but in case it is)
While I don't claim to be perfect nor blameless, I do try not to respond when he says things that hurt or are insulting, I try so hard but inevitably he says something that cuts my heart deeper than all the other things and then I defend myself and lose my temper at times.
In an argument last month he said he was smarter than me, better than me and more spiritual than me. He really believes it yet when I brought it up, he said I took him out of context.
I will try to live 1 Peter 2, be like Jesus and trust the Lord will defend me, reveal this if necessary or do something to stop this insanity.
I am trying to document because he twists the order of what was said or how things were said or denies what was said to make me look bad and him the victim of me but I am not always consistent.
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Perhaps it would help you to study the Word more carefully, particularly some words from Paul. Per my understanding you may not divorce him - though he can, and likely would divorce you! - but you can leave him. If you had children and he was threatening their lives every night, even your life every night, with a shotgun, would it make sense to say "Still, I cannot go"? Of course you should get such person out of your life and theirs!
You never mentioned any children, but in a sense he is murdering you in part, in your self esteem, your sense of reality, your emotional and no doubt physical health. Seek the Lord of course, on this.
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And oh yeal, does the Word say that an unbeliever can't divorce you? No, since they don't follow the Word anyway. He wants a divorce? Great. Let him have it. Don't worry about what other people think. Stick with those who are reality based and supportive and shrug off the others. What matters is what is the truth,not how they see things in a distorted way. Lean on your Best Friend, the Messiah. The Bible tells us that the Lord will fight our battles for us. "In quietness and rest is your salvation." Trust Him on all that.
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One more thought. You don't seem to have consulted with an attorney yet. Check around to see which ones aggressively go after abusers. Maybe call a home for abused women to get such info. Bring your documentation and listen to his/her advice. Remember no matter what to be calm and cool, even sympathetic to your husband, as that comes across best, in court. Let your documentation speak the loudest, by far. If your husband loses his temper in court, which has often happened as the documentation reveals what the abuser is really like, that will be a great help to your cause, while you come across as being rational and calm.
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