Relationship Advice - I turned a girl down because of behavior that disturbed me

[Trayalc]

I've known this girl for about a year, and she's had feelings for me for about 9 months. We go to college together, and we're both 21 years old. Having just been a rebound for someone else, I decided not to date anyone for the first 5 months (last semester), just so I wouldn't inflict the same pain on someone else as was dealt to me. The beginning of this current semester I was still uncertain at first, but I finally went on a date with her a couple of weeks ago. We both enjoyed it. We were planning a second one this week, but then something happened Sunday night that really bothered me.

Sunday night was an event that I was a part of, and she decided to show up with her dad to support me. During this event, my dad was filming and photographing. It turns out that she and her father are extremely sensitive when it comes to photography (she most likely got it from her father). For some reason, as my father was taking photographs of the crowd and the performing group, they assumed that he was taking pictures of THEM specifically. In response, they left the event early, then texted me demanding that we delete all the pictures "we took of them." There ended up being only ONE picture of the crowd, where you'd have to zoom in very far to even see them, which I explained to the girl through text. She responded saying she didn't believe me. These things really bothered me.

Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but we ended up just remaining friends. It was a hard decision because I have started gaining a bit of feelings for her, and I know that she is a good, Christian girl. But after Sunday night I could not help but feel weird about us and uncertain. She did not apologize for Sunday night. Because I was uncertain, I just decided, with pain in my heart, to remain friends. She's such a genuine, kind person, and we have a lot of things in common. However, Sunday night was a real shock to me, and I was hurt. I feel terrible because I do care about her, and I know she must feel heartbroken.

I've really been praying for God to give both her and me comfort and clarity. I also trust that if it's God's plan for it to work out, then it will. It's just so hard in the mean time, you know?

Do you all think I made the right decision? How might I tell if God wants or does not want this relationship for us both?

TL;DR: I went on a date with a girl who's had feelings for me for a while now. I have been starting to gain feelings, but then Sunday night she and her father demonstrated somewhat disturbing behavior, accusing my father of photographing them without their permission, demanding the deletion of those pictures, and accusing me of lying when I attempted to explain that that was not the case. Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but because I was feeling uncertain, we decided to just remain friends. Did I make the right decision?

 

[HTacianas]

I've known this girl for about a year, and she's had feelings for me for about 9 months. We go to college together, and we're both 21 years old. Having just been a rebound for someone else, I decided not to date anyone for the first 5 months (last semester), just so I wouldn't inflict the same pain on someone else as was dealt to me. The beginning of this current semester I was still uncertain at first, but I finally went on a date with her a couple of weeks ago. We both enjoyed it. We were planning a second one this week, but then something happened Sunday night that really bothered me.

Sunday night was an event that I was a part of, and she decided to show up with her dad to support me. During this event, my dad was filming and photographing. It turns out that she and her father are extremely sensitive when it comes to photography (she most likely got it from her father). For some reason, as my father was taking photographs of the crowd and the performing group, they assumed that he was taking pictures of THEM specifically. In response, they left the event early, then texted me demanding that we delete all the pictures "we took of them." There ended up being only ONE picture of the crowd, where you'd have to zoom in very far to even see them, which I explained to the girl through text. She responded saying she didn't believe me. These things really bothered me.

Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but we ended up just remaining friends. It was a hard decision because I have started gaining a bit of feelings for her, and I know that she is a good, Christian girl. But after Sunday night I could not help but feel weird about us and uncertain. She did not apologize for Sunday night. Because I was uncertain, I just decided, with pain in my heart, to remain friends. She's such a genuine, kind person, and we have a lot of things in common. However, Sunday night was a real shock to me, and I was hurt. I feel terrible because I do care about her, and I know she must feel heartbroken.

I've really been praying for God to give both her and me comfort and clarity. I also trust that if it's God's plan for it to work out, then it will. It's just so hard in the mean time, you know?

Do you all think I made the right decision? How might I tell if God wants or does not want this relationship for us both?

TL;DR: I went on a date with a girl who's had feelings for me for a while now. I have been starting to gain feelings, but then Sunday night she and her father demonstrated somewhat disturbing behavior, accusing my father of photographing them without their permission, demanding the deletion of those pictures, and accusing me of lying when I attempted to explain that that was not the case. Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but because I was feeling uncertain, we decided to just remain friends. Did I make the right decision?

Advice? Run as fast and as far as you can from that girl and her father.

My two cents.

 

[eleos1954]

I've known this girl for about a year, and she's had feelings for me for about 9 months. We go to college together, and we're both 21 years old. Having just been a rebound for someone else, I decided not to date anyone for the first 5 months (last semester), just so I wouldn't inflict the same pain on someone else as was dealt to me. The beginning of this current semester I was still uncertain at first, but I finally went on a date with her a couple of weeks ago. We both enjoyed it. We were planning a second one this week, but then something happened Sunday night that really bothered me.

Sunday night was an event that I was a part of, and she decided to show up with her dad to support me. During this event, my dad was filming and photographing. It turns out that she and her father are extremely sensitive when it comes to photography (she most likely got it from her father). For some reason, as my father was taking photographs of the crowd and the performing group, they assumed that he was taking pictures of THEM specifically. In response, they left the event early, then texted me demanding that we delete all the pictures "we took of them." There ended up being only ONE picture of the crowd, where you'd have to zoom in very far to even see them, which I explained to the girl through text. She responded saying she didn't believe me. These things really bothered me.

Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but we ended up just remaining friends. It was a hard decision because I have started gaining a bit of feelings for her, and I know that she is a good, Christian girl. But after Sunday night I could not help but feel weird about us and uncertain. She did not apologize for Sunday night. Because I was uncertain, I just decided, with pain in my heart, to remain friends. She's such a genuine, kind person, and we have a lot of things in common. However, Sunday night was a real shock to me, and I was hurt. I feel terrible because I do care about her, and I know she must feel heartbroken.

I've really been praying for God to give both her and me comfort and clarity. I also trust that if it's God's plan for it to work out, then it will. It's just so hard in the mean time, you know?

Do you all think I made the right decision? How might I tell if God wants or does not want this relationship for us both?

TL;DR: I went on a date with a girl who's had feelings for me for a while now. I have been starting to gain feelings, but then Sunday night she and her father demonstrated somewhat disturbing behavior, accusing my father of photographing them without their permission, demanding the deletion of those pictures, and accusing me of lying when I attempted to explain that that was not the case. Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but because I was feeling uncertain, we decided to just remain friends. Did I make the right decision?

Trust is HUGE in a intimate relationship ... if you are not trusted with this simple circumstance that happened and is a misunderstanding .... then what happens when "it really rains"? Ending the relationship was/is a wise choice ... remaining friends sure, anything beyond that I wouldn't pursue.

God Bless.

 

[Jude1:3Contendforthefaith]

I've known this girl for about a year, and she's had feelings for me for about 9 months. We go to college together, and we're both 21 years old. Having just been a rebound for someone else, I decided not to date anyone for the first 5 months (last semester), just so I wouldn't inflict the same pain on someone else as was dealt to me. The beginning of this current semester I was still uncertain at first, but I finally went on a date with her a couple of weeks ago. We both enjoyed it. We were planning a second one this week, but then something happened Sunday night that really bothered me.

Sunday night was an event that I was a part of, and she decided to show up with her dad to support me. During this event, my dad was filming and photographing. It turns out that she and her father are extremely sensitive when it comes to photography (she most likely got it from her father). For some reason, as my father was taking photographs of the crowd and the performing group, they assumed that he was taking pictures of THEM specifically. In response, they left the event early, then texted me demanding that we delete all the pictures "we took of them." There ended up being only ONE picture of the crowd, where you'd have to zoom in very far to even see them, which I explained to the girl through text. She responded saying she didn't believe me. These things really bothered me.

Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but we ended up just remaining friends. It was a hard decision because I have started gaining a bit of feelings for her, and I know that she is a good, Christian girl. But after Sunday night I could not help but feel weird about us and uncertain. She did not apologize for Sunday night. Because I was uncertain, I just decided, with pain in my heart, to remain friends. She's such a genuine, kind person, and we have a lot of things in common. However, Sunday night was a real shock to me, and I was hurt. I feel terrible because I do care about her, and I know she must feel heartbroken.

I've really been praying for God to give both her and me comfort and clarity. I also trust that if it's God's plan for it to work out, then it will. It's just so hard in the mean time, you know?

Do you all think I made the right decision? How might I tell if God wants or does not want this relationship for us both?

TL;DR: I went on a date with a girl who's had feelings for me for a while now. I have been starting to gain feelings, but then Sunday night she and her father demonstrated somewhat disturbing behavior, accusing my father of photographing them without their permission, demanding the deletion of those pictures, and accusing me of lying when I attempted to explain that that was not the case. Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but because I was feeling uncertain, we decided to just remain friends. Did I make the right decision?

OP is she Amish / Mennonite or something similar ?

Some people are uncomfortable about having their pictures taken.

 

[RaymondG]

I think you are thinking about this too much. you only had one date and you were in a relationship with someone else 5 months ago. Five months from now, there will be a new girl you feel strongly for. Same for the girl in question.....it is not guaranteed that she is heartbroken.

That being said.....if you continue to bypass girls for reasons this minute..... you may end up alone. I find, picture taking to be a normal concern for many......and it is not beyond reason for them to believe that the pictures are being taken of them. Anyone who has taken a picture knows that you can keep the camera in one spot and get a whole room, or the nose hair of one person.

I am always cognizant of this and therefore try to make my intentions known when taking pictures of a target in a crowd..

I wouldnt worry about this too much....while at the same time learning to be my understanding of the feelings of others.....for this is essential to any lasting relationship.

 

[Trayalc]

OP is she Amish / Mennonite or something similar ?

Some people are uncomfortable about having their pictures taken.

She is not. Her father just happens to be very overprotective, not allowing any sort of social media or online pictures of his family, and I believe she must have been indoctrinated (for lack of a better word) with that mindset. He's especially guarded against guys who could potentially date his daughter, believing that there's always a possibility that guys she dates could use pictures of her against her if the relationship ends badly (using it on inappropriate content sites, social media, etc.).

I agree that there are some guys out there who would do that (which, of course, is scummy behavior), but I feel like she (and her father) should be more confident in her ability to choose guys who would definitely NOT do that. For instance, I think she should know after 9 months of spending time together that I would never think of doing such a thing to her or anyone else.

 

[Jude1:3Contendforthefaith]

She is not. Her father just happens to be very overprotective, not allowing any sort of social media or online pictures of his family, and I believe she must have been indoctrinated (for lack of a better word) with that mindset. He's especially guarded against guys who could potentially date his daughter, believing that there's always a possibility that guys she dates could use pictures of her against her if the relationship ends badly (using it on inappropriate content sites, social media, etc.).

I agree that there are some guys out there who would do that (which, of course, is scummy behavior), but I feel like she (and her father) should be more confident in her ability to choose guys who would definitely NOT do that. For instance, I think she should know after 9 months of spending time together that I would never think of doing such a thing to her or anyone else.

Got it. Man, I don't know.

This is a tough situation.

 

[Trayalc]

I think you are thinking about this too much. you only had one date and you were in a relationship with someone else 5 months ago. Five months from now, there will be a new girl you feel strongly for. Same for the girl in question.....it is not guaranteed that she is heartbroken.

That being said.....if you continue to bypass girls for reasons this minute..... you may end up alone. I find, picture taking to be a normal concern for many......and it is not beyond reason for them to believe that the pictures are being taken of them. Anyone who has taken a picture knows that you can keep the camera in one spot and get a whole room, or the nose hair of one person.

I am always cognizant of this and therefore try to make my intentions known when taking pictures of a target in a crowd..

I wouldnt worry about this too much....while at the same time learning to be my understanding of the feelings of others.....for this is essential to any lasting relationship.

I don't think my problem is with the fact that they don't like pictures; I could work around not taking pictures. I was just taken aback by their strong response to it, as if it was something psychological going on rather than it just being a preference. I did not like their quickness to accuse my father and to not believe me when I tell them the truth. To me, it didn't feel like a minute issue. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Lost4words]

Go talk to her. Try and see what is going on. I hate having my pic taken too.

 

[Trayalc]

Got it. Man, I don't know.

This is a tough situation.

I know I made a post on the prayer wall about this too. I think both she and I could use some prayer right now.

 

[Jude1:3Contendforthefaith]

OP, I can understand how something like this in very beginning might be a huge red flag to some very serious underlining issues in the future.

If you don't feel comfortable then that might have been God showing you that you made the right choice and that you will probably have to go through Way Worse stuff in the future with her and her dad.

 

[Elliewaves]

Talk to her about it. Decide what to do depending on how that talk goes. Communication and working through misunderstandings are parts of relationships.

 

[RaymondG]

I don't think my problem is with the fact that they don't like pictures; I could work around not taking pictures. I was just taken aback by their strong response to it, as if it was something psychological going on rather than it just being a preference. I did not like their quickness to accuse my father and to not believe me when I tell them the truth. To me, it didn't feel like a minute issue. I hope that makes sense.

What if the girl and her father feel the same way as you? What if they stated that they are, "just taken aback by their(YOUR) strong response to it(Their reaction to the picture taking), as if it was something psychological going on rather than it just being a preference"

Of course it is your prerogative to feel the way you did about their actions......but it is not also theirs to feel what they did about the picture? Is it not mine to feel that both sides are making big deals of issues I would not have....

Yet the difference is.....I understand and respect your decision to feel what you desire to feel about this...... It will be helpful in your future relationships to learn to understand and respect the feelings of your partner.....as oppose to throwing them away if their feelings do not match yours.......

 

[paul1149]

The salient issue is the ability to work out problems. Making stringent demands and not believing what you say, are substantial impediments to meaningful relationship. If this matter can't be worked out in a genuine way without sweeping it under the rug, what will happen when serious matters come along later on - having to do with where to live, having kids, career decisions, or trust regarding fidelity? Make what efforts you can to make the relationship real, but if your efforts are not honored, walk, and be thankful you found out early.

 

[-Sasha-]

I don't know what advice to give you on starting a relationship with her, but I would say there reasonable issues one could have with their photos or other information about them being put online. On many platforms, some of the things you upload can be sold to advertisers, given over to government, or considered acceptable for public usage... This is true especially for any "free" platforms - chances are they're making money off your participation somehow. I personally don't put my pictures online, and don't like it when other people do, but I wouldn't confront them about it. Some people take their privacy more seriously though.

 

[Ttalkkugjil]

I've known this girl for about a year, and she's had feelings for me for about 9 months. We go to college together, and we're both 21 years old. Having just been a rebound for someone else, I decided not to date anyone for the first 5 months (last semester), just so I wouldn't inflict the same pain on someone else as was dealt to me. The beginning of this current semester I was still uncertain at first, but I finally went on a date with her a couple of weeks ago. We both enjoyed it. We were planning a second one this week, but then something happened Sunday night that really bothered me.

Sunday night was an event that I was a part of, and she decided to show up with her dad to support me. During this event, my dad was filming and photographing. It turns out that she and her father are extremely sensitive when it comes to photography (she most likely got it from her father). For some reason, as my father was taking photographs of the crowd and the performing group, they assumed that he was taking pictures of THEM specifically. In response, they left the event early, then texted me demanding that we delete all the pictures "we took of them." There ended up being only ONE picture of the crowd, where you'd have to zoom in very far to even see them, which I explained to the girl through text. She responded saying she didn't believe me. These things really bothered me.

Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but we ended up just remaining friends. It was a hard decision because I have started gaining a bit of feelings for her, and I know that she is a good, Christian girl. But after Sunday night I could not help but feel weird about us and uncertain. She did not apologize for Sunday night. Because I was uncertain, I just decided, with pain in my heart, to remain friends. She's such a genuine, kind person, and we have a lot of things in common. However, Sunday night was a real shock to me, and I was hurt. I feel terrible because I do care about her, and I know she must feel heartbroken.

I've really been praying for God to give both her and me comfort and clarity. I also trust that if it's God's plan for it to work out, then it will. It's just so hard in the mean time, you know?

Do you all think I made the right decision? How might I tell if God wants or does not want this relationship for us both?

TL;DR: I went on a date with a girl who's had feelings for me for a while now. I have been starting to gain feelings, but then Sunday night she and her father demonstrated somewhat disturbing behavior, accusing my father of photographing them without their permission, demanding the deletion of those pictures, and accusing me of lying when I attempted to explain that that was not the case. Today she confessed her longtime feelings for me, but because I was feeling uncertain, we decided to just remain friends. Did I make the right decision?

She sounds like a real flake. My advice is to forget about her and move on.

 

[Albion]

Many of the responses here seem to me to have hit on important aspects of this problem. But FWIW, the thoughts that keep coming back to me are these: for one, they owe you more than the explanation that they apparently have given you. That is because there is nothing wrong or unconventional about taking some snapshots of friends gathered among a crowd of other people at an perfectly ordinary event.

Their reaction was excessive, peculiar even, and demands a real explanation from them, no matter whether there is a chance of having your relationship with the girl be more than very casual or not.

Second, although all of this is bad or at least unfortunate, I personally would not reach any final conclusions quite yet, not before I really get to the bottom of things.

You say that she did not apologize, which is wrong of her and inexplicable. But I would still want to know WHY both of them thought that a completely innocent and routine action was so threatening to them that they would not even behave politely in response to it. If that comes out, you then will probably know just what stance to take yourself. You may find that it is reparable or you may find instead that those people just need to be ditched for good.

 

[Romans 8]

It's odd behavior in light of today's technology but I would not be so strict. She's got all these other good qualities you mentioned, might be worth spending a little more time to see if she's opens up and explains down the road. It sounds like her father is the bigger issue, and you might want to find out just how much influence he has over her. If she's brainwashed and follows his every command and suggestion over yours, you're going to have bigger issues down the road.

 

[RaymondG]

Who determines what is odd and peculiar? There are some places in the world where roaches are snacks? Can I politely turn them down when offered without judging whether or not they are behaving abnormally? Is it ok to not desire to take picture....or must we conform to our surroundings or risk getting dumped?

 

[Mary Meg]

I think if she really likes you and you like her... you should give her the benefit of sitting down and talking about how you think her and her dad's behavior and attitudes were inappropriate. Maybe you already have.

But I think it does sound really weird and they way they treated you is really bad.