How do I overcome hatred of my own gender?

[kdm1984]

I realize "hatred" is a strong word, but as I've gotten older, I've noticed more and more how unlike I am compared to most other women, and it's caused growing resentment in me toward my own gender, which would appear to violate the ethics and morality to love thy neighbor. I'll be turning 35 later this year, but I've been unable to establish or maintain a close friendship with another woman. I hate how most of them view sex like a bunch of Victorian robots, I hate their lack of systematic thinking, I hate their obsession with trivialities like jewelry and high fashion, I hate their emotional manipulation, and so forth.

I was close to my own mother, but I learned she was very unusual for a woman, and she herself rarely had more than two close friends at a time. I inherited a lot of her traits: love of sports, frugality, and systematic thinking, although I'm even more systematic than she was (she and her sister fell for some of that Pentecostal healing nonsense and got involved in online Pentecostal circles that had lots of bad theology and other irrational weirdness).

My dad is a friendly and laid-back guy who doesn't give a lot of control or structure. He kind of let my mom get carried away with watching tons of Trinity Broadcasting, and he and my mom got obsessed with trying to find out the year of the End of the World. I wish they had been more proactive in teaching me practical realities of life, how to deal with struggle, etc. But they were who they were, and I ended up with a unique set of problems.

When I was a teenager in the late '90s and early '00s, I was kind of sheltered, and my family dealt with the trauma of losing my older brother to a shocking suicide over a girl who rejected him. I was starting to deal with hormonal stuff myself, and I dealt with it quietly by looking at softcore inappropriate content pictures of guys. In my naivete, I was surprised at how much of the material was catered to a gay male demographic. I though that, as women became more proficient with the Internet, they would be like me and devour pictures of hot guys!

Since I was socially awkward and considered too tomboyish and nerdy myself to attract much male attention, I just dealt with all this lust silently in my own house. My experiences are the polar opposite of the objectified woman. I was never objectified myself, but I objectified guys! I've NEVER been harassed. Women like to commiserate emotionally over shared harassment experiences. This I cannot do; I've never experienced it. I have no empathy for their generic problem. There are tons of resources out there for them, but none for women who lust visually after guys, so why should I have empathy for them when they have a billion resources, but there are no places for my own problem?

To this day, I still have trouble with wanting to stare at attractive, well-built, handsome dudes. I cannot accompany my own handsome beloved to the male underwear section of malls, for example, or else I stare at all the pictures of the underwear models.

I also like a ton of sex in my marriage, and never have an off-button for it. I don't get headaches, I'm always in the mood, and I always welcome physicality from my spouse (and introduce a lot of it myself!).

So yeah, I don't fit any of the female stereotypes. I'm insecure in my femininity -- except when I'm around my husband. I just cannot relate to the common Western white woman and all her lack of logic, hatred of sex, emotional traumas, manipulation and hatred of men, hatred of systematic stuff like video games and sports...they are just impossible to relate to, and vice versa.

 

[MariaJLM]

I'm essentially a tomboy myself. Fashion, boys, childrearing, etc. are all boring to me. I would much rather hang out at home and play video games, watch movies, watch hockey games, etc. I don't hate women, though. I just find them boring as I have little in common with them.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

I tend to not relate to the standard Male persona either. At the same time, that's what my sin nature sounds like.

I find when I dislike something strongly, there's something inside me that relates to it.

I find when I dislike something so strongly that I wish it would die, it's probably something I'm killing within myself unsuccessfully.

Overcoming your hatred of your femininity may involve forgiving yourself. In letting go we take hold.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Wow...
You know some pretty strange women!!

YOU sound normal to me.
Women read too many Cosmo magz.
They watch too much TV especially series.
They're not REAL anymore....
Reminds me a little of a Jon Bon Jovi song:
You Give Love A Bad Name
Watch it on youtube....

Stay happy with who you are and enjoy life!

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Try to find the commonality you share among women, there has to be something. Try not to view women as one whole group but realize there are plenty of women who have your similar interests and way of thinking and they are women too. Unless you mean how do you stop your hatred of feminine women which is an entirely different question but generally would involve accepting your differences and embracing the things you share with them and being willing to enjoy the benefits of the variety among all people.

 

[Jonathan Mathews]

I realize "hatred" is a strong word, but as I've gotten older, I've noticed more and more how unlike I am compared to most other women, and it's caused growing resentment in me toward my own gender, which would appear to violate the ethics and morality to love thy neighbor. I'll be turning 35 later this year, but I've been unable to establish or maintain a close friendship with another woman. I hate how most of them view sex like a bunch of Victorian robots, I hate their lack of systematic thinking, I hate their obsession with trivialities like jewelry and high fashion, I hate their emotional manipulation, and so forth.

I was close to my own mother, but I learned she was very unusual for a woman, and she herself rarely had more than two close friends at a time. I inherited a lot of her traits: love of sports, frugality, and systematic thinking, although I'm even more systematic than she was (she and her sister fell for some of that Pentecostal healing nonsense and got involved in online Pentecostal circles that had lots of bad theology and other irrational weirdness).

My dad is a friendly and laid-back guy who doesn't give a lot of control or structure. He kind of let my mom get carried away with watching tons of Trinity Broadcasting, and he and my mom got obsessed with trying to find out the year of the End of the World. I wish they had been more proactive in teaching me practical realities of life, how to deal with struggle, etc. But they were who they were, and I ended up with a unique set of problems.

When I was a teenager in the late '90s and early '00s, I was kind of sheltered, and my family dealt with the trauma of losing my older brother to a shocking suicide over a girl who rejected him. I was starting to deal with hormonal stuff myself, and I dealt with it quietly by looking at softcore inappropriate content pictures of guys. In my naivete, I was surprised at how much of the material was catered to a gay male demographic. I though that, as women became more proficient with the Internet, they would be like me and devour pictures of hot guys!

Since I was socially awkward and considered too tomboyish and nerdy myself to attract much male attention, I just dealt with all this lust silently in my own house. My experiences are the polar opposite of the objectified woman. I was never objectified myself, but I objectified guys! I've NEVER been harassed. Women like to commiserate emotionally over shared harassment experiences. This I cannot do; I've never experienced it. I have no empathy for their generic problem. There are tons of resources out there for them, but none for women who lust visually after guys, so why should I have empathy for them when they have a billion resources, but there are no places for my own problem?

To this day, I still have trouble with wanting to stare at attractive, well-built, handsome dudes. I cannot accompany my own handsome beloved to the male underwear section of malls, for example, or else I stare at all the pictures of the underwear models.

I also like a ton of sex in my marriage, and never have an off-button for it. I don't get headaches, I'm always in the mood, and I always welcome physicality from my spouse (and introduce a lot of it myself!).

So yeah, I don't fit any of the female stereotypes. I'm insecure in my femininity -- except when I'm around my husband. I just cannot relate to the common Western white woman and all her lack of logic, hatred of sex, emotional traumas, manipulation and hatred of men, hatred of systematic stuff like video games and sports...they are just impossible to relate to, and vice versa.

It doesn't sound like you hate women. You hate the modern PERVERSION of them. To me, this seems like a Godly characteristic.

 

[Sabertooth]

I am mildly autistic. Your first paragraph sounds so much like the autistic women that I have met on-line.

I cannot accompany my own handsome beloved to the male underwear section of malls, for example, or else I stare at all the pictures of the underwear models.

I feel the same way in Walmart's bra section.* The problem is that that's where their changing rooms are.

I am into action/adventure movies, but not team sports.

*I was okay seeing my mom, sister and daughters in their bras, but they didn't stick them out in an effort to appeal to shoppers...

 

[kdm1984]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm often surprised at the level of thoughtfulness in these forums. I guess that's why I keep coming back here to discuss stuff!

@Sabertooth I was actually diagnosed, clinically, with moderate Aspergers at age 29 in 2014. So you are on-target in your assessment of autistic womanhood. I wish there was more awareness of "higher functioning" autism and how it manifests in women, but that may take a lot of time. I'm still learning myself.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I find that "tomboy" is a completely meaningless word in today's world.

Still, where you're coming from is kind of understandable. Tori Amos wrote a song about those times when you see your sex for what it is. There's a negative connotation to that, obviously.

But there's a positive one too. While women infuriate me quite a bit, they are variety. They have different points of view and different talents. They have something to offer.

In some ways, I'm a sort of stereotypical INTJ. So cheap emotionalism doesn't really mean much to me. But it does mean something to others. There's more to life than the rational and logical values that motivate me... and, from the sounds of it, you.

 

[Kenny'sID]

The women you mention sound like women of the world, and there are a ton of those out there, so it would make sense you haven't found anyone to relate too. It's all about the odds.

And same here, but I don't care, nor do I go to the trouble of hating them. But go ahead and be a little perturbed, which is probably all it is since you mention hate is a bit strong, that is expected.

Sounds like you mainly just needed to get it off your shoulders, so that should help some.

 

[FireDragon76]

I realize "hatred" is a strong word, but as I've gotten older, I've noticed more and more how unlike I am compared to most other women, and it's caused growing resentment in me toward my own gender, which would appear to violate the ethics and morality to love thy neighbor. I'll be turning 35 later this year, but I've been unable to establish or maintain a close friendship with another woman. I hate how most of them view sex like a bunch of Victorian robots, I hate their lack of systematic thinking, I hate their obsession with trivialities like jewelry and high fashion, I hate their emotional manipulation, and so forth.

I was close to my own mother, but I learned she was very unusual for a woman, and she herself rarely had more than two close friends at a time. I inherited a lot of her traits: love of sports, frugality, and systematic thinking, although I'm even more systematic than she was (she and her sister fell for some of that Pentecostal healing nonsense and got involved in online Pentecostal circles that had lots of bad theology and other irrational weirdness).

My dad is a friendly and laid-back guy who doesn't give a lot of control or structure. He kind of let my mom get carried away with watching tons of Trinity Broadcasting, and he and my mom got obsessed with trying to find out the year of the End of the World. I wish they had been more proactive in teaching me practical realities of life, how to deal with struggle, etc. But they were who they were, and I ended up with a unique set of problems.

When I was a teenager in the late '90s and early '00s, I was kind of sheltered, and my family dealt with the trauma of losing my older brother to a shocking suicide over a girl who rejected him. I was starting to deal with hormonal stuff myself, and I dealt with it quietly by looking at softcore inappropriate content pictures of guys. In my naivete, I was surprised at how much of the material was catered to a gay male demographic. I though that, as women became more proficient with the Internet, they would be like me and devour pictures of hot guys!

Since I was socially awkward and considered too tomboyish and nerdy myself to attract much male attention, I just dealt with all this lust silently in my own house. My experiences are the polar opposite of the objectified woman. I was never objectified myself, but I objectified guys! I've NEVER been harassed. Women like to commiserate emotionally over shared harassment experiences. This I cannot do; I've never experienced it. I have no empathy for their generic problem. There are tons of resources out there for them, but none for women who lust visually after guys, so why should I have empathy for them when they have a billion resources, but there are no places for my own problem?

To this day, I still have trouble with wanting to stare at attractive, well-built, handsome dudes. I cannot accompany my own handsome beloved to the male underwear section of malls, for example, or else I stare at all the pictures of the underwear models.

I also like a ton of sex in my marriage, and never have an off-button for it. I don't get headaches, I'm always in the mood, and I always welcome physicality from my spouse (and introduce a lot of it myself!).

So yeah, I don't fit any of the female stereotypes. I'm insecure in my femininity -- except when I'm around my husband. I just cannot relate to the common Western white woman and all her lack of logic, hatred of sex, emotional traumas, manipulation and hatred of men, hatred of systematic stuff like video games and sports...they are just impossible to relate to, and vice versa.

You are in good company. I'm guessing alot of folks are uneasy about rigid gender roles.

If you live in any southern state dominated by old time fundamentalism, rigid gender roles tend to come with the territory, so it's a cross you just have to bear I suppose. But that doesn't mean you have to pretend to particularly like it. Jesus wasn't exactly all sunshine up on the Cross, after all. In fact he wasn't afraid to say "wow, this really stinks". Mark 15:34

 

[MehGuy]

Really depends on the kind of company you keep around. Conservative and feminist circles are most often probably best to be avoided if you do not want to feel pigeonholed into rigid gender roles. Personally I feel like I cannot relate to either gender fully. My sex drive seems to be lower than average for a man. I can be quite emotional and introspective about my thoughts. Yet I'm often too coarse and crass for traditional female company. There is more, but it is complicated and I'm too lazy to make such posts right now.. lol.

Still.. while I believe there are average gender differences you can still find communities of more masculine minded women and vice versa. I listen to a podcast called the "Honeybadgers" which consists of many women who proudly identify as "masculine brained" and have reported many of the ordeals you seem to have gone through.

 

[mama2one]

unless one gets to know a person, we don't REALLY know them truly inside
people only show parts of themselves and seldom reveal everything

maybe your rejection of some females is rejection of what they show in public but not their true selves

OR

by disliking other females so strongly, may be you're rejecting parts of yourself?

 

[Brightmoon]

I was a bit of a tomboy when I was a kid. My fathers idea of how girls should behave bordered on schizoid behavior and mom wasn’t much better. Sit in the house all day , do housework and then go to school. basically act like a robot . I HATED that! I’d Rather go climb a tree and I’m a a bit logical too , I’ve got a biology degree. I’m also creative and I loved dance because of the physicality and creativity of it. I still do ballet at my age (mid 60s)Father wouldn’t let me run track because it wasn’t feminine enough so I switched to dance , fell in love with that , and wouldn’t it figure, he hated that too! I gave up trying to get his approval at that point ! He used to tell me that women couldn’t get along ! I didn’t get along with my mom because she was narcissistic but I did get along with my grandmother and some female adult cousins , so I knew that dad didn’t know what he was talking about. The point is that until I realized that my fear of my family’s toxic controlling behavior was keeping me from friendships , I didn’t have friends!

 

[archer75]

People fall into little groups, often according to sex or class or occupation. At least, superficially. It might help not to focus so much on what you don't like about this "average" woman and see if some friendships happen based on some shared interest. Some people are not quite what they seem once you scratch the surface.

 

[Tinker Grey]

A slightly different take:

You should embrace who you are. Don't think of yourself as a fixer-up project. You are who you are. You are [Xian hat]the way god made you[/Xian]. This is *not* to say that you (and all of us) don't have flaws. I've been diagnosed with ADHD--from what I've seen in others (principally, my daughter), a mild form. I don't try to fix me. I try to understand how I function and understand what it takes to get myself to complete a task. (For some, like my daughter, that might include medication.)

Also, then, this includes accepting that others are different than you. You needn't label them "worldly women" or whatever. They just aren't you. My wife has always preferred the company of men, but has learned to enjoy herself when social circumstances require the company of women.

Don't condemn yourself. Don't condemn them. Embrace difference. (None of what I'm saying requires that you embrace things you find evil. I'm suggesting you attempt understand the differences and allow them.)

HTH

 

[-Sasha-]

I was just reading "My Life in Christ" by St John of Kronstadt and your initial question made me think of this part:
"Do not forget yourself in looking upon the beauty of the human face, but look upon the soul; do not look upon the man's garment (the body being his temporary garment), but look upon him who is clothed in it. Do not admire the magnificence of the mansion, but look upon the dweller who lives in it and what he is--otherwise, you will offend the image of God in the man, will dishonour the King by worshipping His servant and not rendering unto Him even the least of the honour due to Him. Also--do not look upon the beauty of the printing of a book, but look upon the spirit of the book; otherwise you will depreciate the spirit and exalt the flesh; for the letters are the flesh, and the contents of the book the spirit. Do not be allured by the melodious sounds of an instrument or of a voice, but by their effect upon the soul, or by the words of the song, consider what their spirit is: if the sounds produce upon your soul tranquil, chaste, holy feelings, then listen to them and feed your soul with them; whilst, if they give rise in your soul to passions, then leave off listening to them, and throw aside both the flesh and the spirit of the music."

Certainly not something easy to perfect, but trying to see the image of God in the people we interact with is a good way to stop hating them because of some personality flaws.

 

[Sabertooth]

A related aside, I classify the characters in my figure collection, thusly,

• Girlie-girl, tomboy and, between those extremes, tomgirl*
• He-man, metro and between them, gallant.**

Most are gallants & tomgirls. I think that is where the bulk of real people are, too.

*These terms are already found on the internet.
**The sensitive hero. Will Chase on the TV show, Whiskey Cavalier, is a good example.

 

[ChicanaRose]

I hate how most of them view sex like a bunch of Victorian robots, I hate their lack of systematic thinking, I hate their obsession with trivialities like jewelry and high fashion, I hate their emotional manipulation, and so forth.

Are these Christian women? If not, try to find Christian friends.

Don't worry too much about their perspectives on sex, systematic thinking, or materialism, unless they are trying to pressure you into their ways. Otherwise, they are not things that affect you personally.

Now, the emotional manipulation part...since that is something directed at another person, you would be affected by it. But try to be open and focus on someone's character rather than on his or her gender. For example, focus on what spiritual fruits someone possesses. Is it gentleness? Is it self-control?

That can help lift some of the burdens off of your shoulder and give you more peace.