Thoughts on using toys in the bedroom?

[sccs]

I would like the thoughts and opinions of married Christians as to whether or not to use toys as a fun add-on to regular sexual intimacy. What are some pitfalls or habits that may be red flags? How does this increase holiness and godliness? Should this be a thing that should be avoided or allowable?

 

[snoochface]

Why in the world would this be a problem? Pitfalls and red flags.... to what? Do what you want in the bedroom with your spouse. The details, hows, and whys, do not matter.

 

[Ttalkkugjil]

I would like the thoughts and opinions of married Christians as to whether or not to use toys as a fun add-on to regular sexual intimacy.

My wife and I like to incorporate Lego into our sex life.

What are some pitfalls or habits that may be red flags?

Anything that causes pain. Anything that degrades one partner or both.

How does this increase holiness and godliness?

Just makes things more fun.

Should this be a thing that should be avoided or allowable?

Allowable, imho, so long as both partners are into it.

 

[A Realist]

If you don't think that marital sex should be pleasurable, then I guess they're not for you.

I think they're a great addition to the bedroom repertoire.

 

[Dave-W]

The use of "toys" is not mentioned in the bible. That technology had not been invented yet.

During the Reformation there were 2 guys who had vastly different takes on things not specified in the bible:

Ulrich Zwingly: anything not specifically commanded or shown by positive example is strictly forbidden.

Martin Luther: anything not specifically commanded or shown by positive example is allowable as long as it does not violate some other command.​

I side with Luther on this one. Allowable.

 

[Dave-W]

My wife and I like to incorporate Lego into our sex life.

 

[A Realist]

My wife and I like to incorporate Lego into our sex life.

OUCH!

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I would like the thoughts and opinions of married Christians as to whether or not to use toys as a fun add-on to regular sexual intimacy. What are some pitfalls or habits that may be red flags? How does this increase holiness and godliness? Should this be a thing that should be avoided or allowable?

You mean, something like this back and muscle massager that you can buy at the local Bed and Bath Store? Sure.......why not?

 

[Dave-W]

I have seen pics of some that look truly scary.

 

[Endeavourer]

If you are MUTUALLY enthusiastic, then yes, by all means.

If one of you is not enthusiastic, then no. It will start to cause avoidance and aversions to intimacy. To the person not enthusiastic, don't give in sacrificially on this issue because that will cause bigger problems. Don't be guilt tripped into thinking you are a prude, etc. It is FAR easier to change actions than feelings - so in this case the action would be no sex toys - rather than guilting you into changing your feelings.

If toys are being insisted upon over the unease of the other partner, I would quietly do some checking around to see if the person pushing for them is accessing inappropriate content.

Edited to add: I see you are the husband in a young marriage. Are you viewing inappropriate content?
**Also, the last thing you want to do is push your wife to participate in something she isn't enthusiastic about because it will cause her to develop a sexual aversion.

 

[Dave-W]

If you are MUTUALLY enthusiastic, then yes, by all means.
If one of you is not enthusiastic, then no.

Enthusiastic is best, but willing is ok too IMO. (just make sure you do not over do it and wear out the willingness)

 

[Endeavourer]

Enthusiastic is best, but willing is ok too IMO. (just make sure you do not over do it and wear out the willingness)

The dance of intimacy can be a fragile balance. I would highly recommend not introducing unnecessary factors that would cause resentment or aversions.

Speaking as a woman, willingness may be begrudging while being masked as willingness to not feel the prude. It will be easy to cause a woman to doubt whether she is doing it for her husband if he is asking for toys in a young marriage; eradicating this doubt could be a long process and cause her to lose confidence/enthusiasm for sex. This is a young couple with a short marriage.

To the husband, I would tread very carefully if you don't have mutual enthusiasm. I would steer away from using them without mutual enthusiasm.

 

[jkjk]

The use of "toys" is not mentioned in the bible. That technology had not been invented yet.

Well, ornamental phalluses have been discovered from a multitude of ancient cultures, and supposedly the ancient Greeks were using breadsticks as [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]...

 

[Dave-W]

supposedly the ancient Greeks were using breadsticks as [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]...

Wow, I could make some REALLY inappropriate comments on that one .....

But I won't.

 

[sccs]

My wife was the one who initially suggested using toys in the bedroom.

 

[Endeavourer]

My wife was the one who initially suggested using toys in the bedroom.

If you are enthusiastic, then go for it. If you are not, then don't feel obligated. You could agree to try once on the condition that if you don't enjoy it as much as you would like, they are off the table in the future.

To my convictions, the marriage bed is undefiled, but within certain boundaries, such as harming or demeaning another person, or having additional participants.

Do you feel your intimate connections are satisfactory and meaningful otherwise?

 

[A Realist]

Let me caveat my previous post by saying that I also concur that the agreement to use sex toys should be mutual. If it's not, leave it be.

 

[Deidre32]

If the toys become a substitute for real intimacy with one's spouse, that could be the only pitfall I'd see occurring.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

My wife was the one who initially suggested using toys in the bedroom.

...well then, if it's something she'd like to try in order to augment your time together, then just simply ask her what it is she'd like you to do, and if it equates to something that is essentially a "body massage" of sorts, then help her out with it.

But as some the other fellow posters here have already mentioned, if the activity risks some kind of physical injury to either of you, or if it can end up being a replacement for genuine affection, or if it can become emotionally disruptive, then I'd seriously think not twice--but four times--before considering adding it to your usual repertoire of bedtime friendliness.

 

[tall73]

I would like the thoughts and opinions of married Christians as to whether or not to use toys as a fun add-on to regular sexual intimacy. What are some pitfalls or habits that may be red flags? How does this increase holiness and godliness? Should this be a thing that should be avoided or allowable?

Has she said why she wants to introduce these? Does she indicate dissatisfaction with sex currently, or is this more of a desire to just change things up?


75 percent of women require additional stimulation to reach [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic

A vibrator that focuses in the right area in conjunction with intercourse, or after intercourse, can help with this issue for some, though there are other methods as well


Also there have been some studies, though limited, regarding possible implications of the introduction of a vibrator in particular. Most of the material could relate to other types as well. You can find this article online, but I will not link to it because it has material that may be a problem for some. It looked at possible concerns with the introduction of a vibrator for women in a relationship. It primarily relates their experience in the following areas:

Six recurring concerns emerged: (i) change in orgasmic patterns; (ii) fear of using an outside, “unnatural”object; (iii) dependency; (iv) entitlement; (v) reaction of partners; and (vi) changes in sexual attitudes


Changes in a Woman’s Sexual Experience and Expectations Following the Introduction of Electric Vibrator Assistance

Beyond these areas recognized in secular sources, some churches (Catholic for instance) teach that you must be open to life in sexual interactions with your spouse. They also discuss what constitutes a valid marital act. This would be something to look into in that case.

As to whether it promotes mutually giving of yourself to each other, that could well depend on the motivations, uses, etc..

It might be good to have a discussion together of what you think the one flesh relationship of marriage entails, what the nature of married sexuality is in general, and then see how this impacts that.

By the way, while not everyone would agree with this conclusions, an interesting read to generate discussion about the nature of sex from a religious perspective is John Paul II's Theology of the Body

John Paul II's Theology of the Body